Counselor's Corner: When Dysfunction Tries to Hold You Back

I have been trying to get set free from certain dysfunctions that I have learned from my family of origin. Dysfunctions of being enmeshed, controlled, manipulated, guilted into doing what others want, codependent behaviors, and addictions. Trying to break away from dysfunction when everyone closet to me is still dysfunctional is one of the toughest challenges I have faced.

I have felt an array of emotions as I am getting healthier and keeping a distance from the dysfunction-fear of the unknown, emptiness at times, sadness, anger, loneliness, yet I feel peaceful despite these emotions.

I have found myself questioning myself over and over again, thoughts run through my head continually like, “How can I move on and get myself healthy when my loved ones need help” or “Am I being selfish that I don’t want to hang out like we used to because I feel drained afterwards.” When I have thoughts like these, I must determine my motive, and that is to break away from the dysfunction and to live healthy-mentally, spiritually and physically. My motive is not to hurt anyone but to finally take ownership of my life, and say, “I’ve been sad, depressed, angry, stressed because I allowed dysfunction in my life and accepted it as normal.

The dysfunction is normal to me, it takes everything in me to not get swayed back into the dysfunction. I still want to be loved, to be accepted, and valued. Dysfunction does not allow for autonomy and individuation, it is like “we all stick together no matter what.” Dysfunction does not let you break away without a fight.

I was comfortable with the dysfunction, until I started to get healthier. Now, I really don’t any part of it because of the negative impact it has had om my life for so many years.

Moving forward without the dysfunction is scary to me at times, “What if my loved one’s continue in their dysfunction, will I have to continue to distance myself to keep me healthy?” But then I realize I will never get healthy or have the potential for healthy relationships if I stay connected to the dysfunction.

Dysfunction has a way of pulling you back even when you want to go forward. Being in a dysfunctional family can make you feel trapped, you want out but see no way out-their so helpless, needy, dependent, or controlling.

I have to realize being free from dysfunction at first will feel awkward and very uncomfortable. I might even feel lonely at times, or feel there is a void in my life where I used to have for the chaos, confusion and stress. I may battle at times with feeling like I have abandoned or given-up on my loved ones. But I haven’t given up, I just can’t save myself and them at the same time. I have to let go of the dysfunction so I can finally be free to have the life I believe God wants me to have.

Your loved ones that choose to stay in their dysfunction will not like or understand your need to get healthy away from them. Their control, manipulation, and guilt will likely increase as you set boundaries to maintain a healthy distance from their dysfunction.

Limit your exposure to the dysfunction. There are times that you might have to be around the dysfunction, but don’t make it a weekly habit. Even when you have limited exposure if you leave their presence and feel like you have been set-back in your recovery, you may need more space and distance. Understand that being physically detached from them can create a sense of abandonment and drive you to call/visit to explain yourself or keep the peace.

You are not being selfish for wanting to get healthy. Fact, you will not get healthy if you are around dysfunction frequently.

Healing from a lifetime of dysfunction takes time. Do not anyone rush or pressure you to get back involved. You will know immediately when you are around the dysfunction if you should continue to be around it.

Verbalize to your dysfunctional loved ones you are taking the time to get healed and to get help either through a support group, counseling or your church. Encourage them to get the help and healing as well. Let your loved ones know you will not be a part of the dysfunction any longer, if they deny there are any problems-maintain your distance. True healing cannot occur unless all involved get honest about the problems and then take the steps to get healed. The hope would be to all involved to get healed from the dysfunction.

Stand firm on your desire to get healthy and to be separate from the dysfunction. Your loved ones will use every “trick” to lure you back into the dysfunction. Dysfunction breeds dysfunction, but someone must break the cycle. We don’t fight against flesh and blood but forces unseen, you very likely are contending with old familiar spirits that have been in your family for generations. The enemy will use those loved ones of yours to lure, entice, and try to trap back into the dysfunction. The enemy does not want anyone free from bondages, and very likely you will have to apply and use spiritual warfare as you are breaking free.

To determine if you are ready at some point to reengage with your loved ones ask yourself: Do you feel anxious or fearful about being around them or do you have a sense of peace? Do you still feel anger towards them and are there still unresolved issues? Do you worry about how you will feel after being with them? Before reengaging with your loved ones, you may want to write them or speak to them about their hurtful behaviors and that you will not tolerate it again. If you feel there is little chance of change after meeting with your loved ones but don’t want to lose the connection with them completely then you dictate the location and times where you will connect. Meeting in public places could help to control some dysfunctional behaviors.

As you are healing and letting the dysfunction go, let the good in. Find supportive people that you can build a healthy relationship with. Pray that your loved ones will get the same healing and help that you have, and begin to enjoy your life.

Counselor's Corner: Is It Okay Not to Like a Family Member?

Loving a family member is not the same thing as liking their difficult personalities, manipulative or controlling behaviors. You can love someone while not liking their behaviors and actions.

Reflect: If they were not your mother, sister, brother, would you choose to hang out with them?

There can be those in your families who irritate, frustrate, and cause tremendous amounts of stress. If your honest, you really don’t enjoy their company, but feel obligated to be with them because their family.

You must know your limits and what you cannot tolerate. Listed below are guidelines to use when you may need some healthy distance between you and your family.

·         If being around your family causes you to sin, it’s a good chance you need to limit your time with them.

·         If you feel worse-off after being with your family.

·         If they engage in behaviors that would cause you to stumble.

·         They are controlling, manipulative or make you feel guilty.

·         Are abusive, mentally, verbally, or physically.

·         Feel stressed and tense before and/or after being with them.

·         Don’t respect your boundaries, and repeatedly violate your boundaries.

·         Are selfish and are not really concerned about your needs.

·         You feel anxious never knowing what they will do or say.

·         They continually want to borrow or need money from you.

·         Are always questioning yourself, did you do or say something to upset them.

·         Are overly dramatic, use pouting, crying to coercive you.

·         Feel responsible for taking care of them (because they cause you to feel that way).

·         Triangulate other family members against you.

If you have family that you just don’t like, admit it and know you are not alone. Just because someone is family does not mean you will desire to be close to them. God did design the family to be supportive and close, but since the fall of man, families have struggled because of our sin nature.

Dealing with difficult family members can make you feel guilty one minute for not wanting to spend time with them, and the next minute you feel love and anger towards them. You may look forward at times to seeing them, and feel disappointed when with them. There may be times you are snappy or frustrated with them and then feel confused after why you were.

Forgive, release, bless and let go of all expectations and guilt you may be harboring towards those difficult family members. People can change and some of your most difficult family relationships can be repaired in the long run, but in the meantime, you may need to practice self-care for yourself and guard your heart.

Let’s Discuss:

Do you have family members that you love but rather not like? How do you handle those difficult relationships?

Word of Encouragement from the Counselor’s Corner: How to Deal With Toxic Family

Families are supposed to be a place of support, love, and acceptance. Sometimes, however, family relationships can be the place where we experience the deepest hurt.

Sometimes we can spend years sacrificing our mental and spiritual health in harmful relationships under the notion that we have to because they are family.

Traits of a toxic person:

1.      Are abusive mentally, physically, sexually, or emotionally. When a relationship is based on manipulation, overt or covert; abuse is happening!

2.      The only contact you have with them is negative, or you get anxious of the thought of an encounter with them.

3.      The relationship creates so much stress affecting your work, home, and personal life.

4.      The relationship is one-sided, usually it is all about them and their needs.  

5.      When you do not give into their demands, silent treatment can happen and blaming.

6.      You feel worse after talking with them or being around them. They bring your energy level down.

7.      Create drama and chaos, and you get emotionally pulled-in to the whirlwind of emotions.

8.      You find yourself in a cycle of trying to fix, enable, and rescue them, and you end up frustrated because none has worked.

9.      Do not take responsibility for their actions, and blame others. .

10.  Create strife and division.

11.  Unforgiving and angry, sometimes even hostile.

12.  There is turmoil and confusion around them.

13.  Use others for their needs and benefits, regardless of the impact on others.

14.  Lie easily and it is difficult to know when they are telling the truth.

15.  Financially irresponsible, and expect you to bail them out of their poor choices.

If you have been involved with a toxic family member for years, letting go of them is not as easy as letting go of a friend or boyfriend/girlfriend. But letting go is what may need to happen so you can gain your sanity back, and allow God to intervene. Try first to set healthy boundaries with your family, and if they break the boundary you implemented; set a consequence. If the boundaries you set for them are repeatedly being broken, or you are not seeing any real change; it may be time to step aside. Letting go may be for a season and not permanent.

Know your limitations and realize we are not superhuman. Realize that a toxic person can drain your energy, health, well-being, and sanity. Detaching is not only healthy but may be exactly what you need to restore you. Because of our Christian teaching on humility, kindness, and self-sacrifice, we sometimes get the impression that to set boundaries and consequences is wrong. We believe that we must endure and take whatever someone dishes out on us. When we give someone permission to repeatedly sin against us without consequences, we enable them to sin. Sometimes the best thing we can do with someone who openly continues to sin is to part company with them. This process can help us to forgive them and pray for them regularly. A lot of the times if we stay engaged in a relationship that is toxic we can end up bitter, angry, and resentful. We are to keep peace, and one of the best ways to keep peace may be to detach in love.

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Ephesians 6:12

What suggestions do you have to deal with a toxic family member?