Longings Unfilled, A Perspective on What it is Like in the Waiting Period

In this article, the author will share her experiences and her heart on longings being unfilled.  The author will share her perspective on waiting for desires of the heart to be fulfilled. My prayer for this article is that others do not feel alone, and other’s will post and share their story, their lessons, and any advice and hope in the wait. Please post any comments at the bottom of this article, and share with others who need to hear this message.

Longings and desires unfulfilled can become possibilities with God.

What have you been waiting for God to fulfill in your life?

My Story

Pain comes in many forms and suffering comes to us all. I am no stranger to pain and suffering. Sometimes it can feel like you are all alone, and like no one really understands what you are going through. Sometimes, the pain comes in waves, other times it lays dormant, just waiting for a time to slip out and cause me emotional turmoil. There are times that I feel like I am on a roller coaster ride, my feelings and emotions ebb and flow with certain times and seasons.

I have deep longings that I cannot contain sometimes. There are times these deep-seated emotions get triggered and these emotions fall upon me like an avalanche. I have done everything I know possible to wait with a “thankful heart,” but sometimes, I fail miserably, and I sink it a pit of sorrow and despair. I want so desperately to have what I think would bring me joy and excitement. There are some things that I cannot seem to get a hold of at times, and these longings get the better of me. I am desperate to not feel this way, but there are times the enemy sends me little reminders of what I don’t have and before you know it, if I am already tired, sick, or hormonal, then I fall for the lie and the trap of the enemy. I long to keep my emotions and feelings in check and not have them spill out and cause me anguish. I long to be free from the waiting period, and just move on already.

For some of us, the longing in our hearts is for a spouse, for some it is for a child, and for others it is a supportive family. I have several deep, unresolved, longings in my heart. Sometimes, I think, “I have healed from those longings, but then a reminder, and I start the longing all over again.” I did find my companion, my best friend, but I had a child from a previous relationship in my teenage years. I carried a lot of shame for having a child so young. My only child is living a different lifestyle than me, he is my prodigal child. I have waited, prayed, and cried for his return for 9 years. My heart grows heavy sometimes for him, and I realize that I may not see the desire of my heart for grandchildren in this lifestyle. I do know, God has my child, and follows and pursues him, but sometimes, it feels a heavy weight, and I need a time-out to “slip away from the crowds and grieve to God.” I know he hears my cries for my child, but sometimes I wonder, “When will this end?”

I have always desired to have at least 4 children, but early on in our marriage we detected I was having trouble conceiving. I did see a fertility doctor, had surgery, took hormone shots, and waited in faith as my church family told me. Well, the wait is now 12 years. Twelve years to have a child. Some might say, “Well you already have a child.” My answer would be, “Yes, but I was so young and did not enjoy the pregnancy and I long to have a child with my Godly husband and raise the child in the ways of the Lord.” I am pro adoption and of course pro-life, so we tried to adopt through the foster care system, the unfortunate tragedy was that we kept the baby boy for a month, but I was not willing to allow the parents another 6 months to a year to fulfill their service agreement and possibly get their child back. All sorts of fears crept up in me, “I thought if there is a possibility that I may have to give this child up in 6 months or a year if these parents decide to get their acts together, and that may be way too difficult for me.” We decided that foster-adopt would not work for us, because of the heavy risks involved in losing a child, and since we were already undergoing such heartache trying to conceive that this would not be an option for us, but I believe it is a beautiful thing when the right family can take a child from the foster care system. I was so heart-broken after that incident that I was not even wanting to look at foreign or domestic adoption.

My other longing is for my family and my husband’s family to know Jesus, and to be healed of dysfunction, mental illness, and addictions. You see, both our families with the exception of a small few, have tremendous issues. I long for them to receive Christ and for the ones who are battling addiction, mental illness, or some sort of dysfunction to be healed. I have tried to reach them over the years, by sharing the Gospel in word and deed, bringing them to church, trying to help financially, and just listening to them, but several have chosen to go a different path. With all the family turmoil, I did not think it was fair at this point to bring a child into our family through adoption. I just thought, “It would not be fair to subject an innocent child to the family chaos.” I felt all my dreams came crashing down and I begin to shut down. Something closed up inside of me at that time, and I stopped hoping and the heartache became unbearable. I thought, “I can’t being a child into our home when I don’t even want to get out of bed.” Them the depression hits, debilitating, and horrific. I stopped living, caring, stopped desiring, and just stopped everything.

So what happens when you wait, wait, and wait some more, and then your hope gets deferred once again? You have two options, you can redefine your life and move past the waiting or you can stop and remain stuck. So here I am, I am turning 40 in 2 weeks, and I am still in the waiting. I have been in the waiting for 12 years, but I am tired of feeling stuck. I want to move past the waiting. I want to know that if these desires never get fulfilled that I can live and be joyful. I want to also have an incredible faith that says,” Nothing is impossible with God.” I want God to resurrect old dreams if he chooses and give me new desires and dreams.

The reality is desires of the heart that go unfilled for a time can be painful. We need to acknowledge that pain to God. We may need to at times step away from the crowds and be with Jesus, He is the only one who can shed light and bring you the comfort you need. There are times you may need to say,” No “to an activity or function that would be painful or a reminder if you are already feeling weak and vulnerable. Do not push yourself to do anything that God is not leading you to do. Take time for yourself, and be good to yourself. Do things that you enjoy. Repurpose your life. Take a day or however long it takes and slip away with the Lord, and ask Him to show you what He desires for you.

Ask God these questions?

1.       What are your desires for me?

2.       How do I heal my heart and my desires?

3.       How do I repurpose my life?

4.       How do I get unstuck and move past the waiting?

5.       Do you have new dreams for me or do old dreams need to be resurrected again?

Lord Jesus,

We pursue you today and ask that you open our hearts to your will and desires for us. Show us what you desire for us, and how to let go of our fleshy desires. God help us to have an unbelievable faith and help us to build new dreams and show us what old dreams should come back to life. God show us what you have for us, and help us not want anything that is not from you or in your will for us.

In Jesus name, amen

You can reach the author by:

Email @ Stephanie@christianhopecounseling.com

Face book: www.facebook.com/HopeandEncouragement4Women

Blog: www.onlinechristiancounselingforwomen.blogspot.com

Emotional Healing

To give them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they may be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified. Isaiah 61:3

What does beauty for ashes mean?

Ashes refers to the adversities in life and beauty refers to how the Lord can turn around those adversities that He might be glorified.

We should never hold onto our past, otherwise we become victims of our circumstances, it is vitally important we understand our early emotional wounds and uncover or expose them to gain healing. A lot of the time those early childhood wounds are carried over into our adolescent years and then “rooted” into our adult years. Rooted meaning grown deep into our soul. We can begin to act out or behave externally but internally where the roots are really determine why we act or behave externally. Exposing these roots is the first step to healing. We may not even know why we get angry, depressed, or fearful, but there is something internal or deep within us that has not been rooted out of us.

The Holy Spirit can shed His spotlight on the hidden or unexposed areas of trauma/abuse in our lives. But a word of caution, don’t try and force revelation, let the Holy Spirit, in His time and His way expose those areas. You may not be ready to deal with certain areas yet, so don’t push ahead of God’s leading. A lot of the times we have to work out our healing, and undoing a lifetime of emotional wounding takes time, so be patient with yourself. God desires that you are healed and made whole. His desire is to redeem you and restore you. Emotional healing starts when we uncover the deep roots of pain first, it is what I like to call the first layer. Then the second layer can be exposed and healed, and lastly the last layer can be exposed and dealt with. We will explore these layers in greater detail. An analogy of your healing is like pealing an onion, when you peel an onion it is one layer at a time. As with our emotional healing, it is one layer at a time. Peeling off all our layers at once could be painful and overall we would not get a complete healing.

Types of emotional wounds that need to be healed from early/late childhood (first layer):

1.    Abuse-physical, mental, emotional, and sexual

2.    Early exposure to false religions or belonging to a religious system

3.    Betrayal- family/friendships

4.    Rejection-family/friendships

5.    Death, divorce, illness of parents of close relatives

6.    Unstable, chaotic, or violent home environment

7.    Bullying by family/peers

Most important relationship during this time: family. So your early family relationships are very important in your emotional health and well-being.

Types of emotional wounds that need to be healed from late adolescence/early adulthood (second layer):

1.    Betrayal in friendships/relationships with significant others

2.    Relationship break-ups

3.    Rape (date rape)

4.    Abuse in relationships with family/friends, dating relationships

5.    Crisis pregnancy

6.    Abortion, miscarriage

7.    Death, divorce, illness of parents, friends, or loved ones

8.    Not able to find a career or purpose in life

Most important relationship during this time: friendships. So if there has been major trauma with friendship during this time the greater the emotional wounding.

Types of emotional wounds that need to be healed from latter years in life (third layer).

1.    Divorce

2.    Betrayal, rejection, abuse or abandonment of spouse/friendships

3.    Stagnant in career. Many perceived failures as a result

4.    Rape

5.    Death, divorce, illness of spouse, children, family, or friendships.

6.    Miscarriage, abortion, and/or infertility

7.    Prodigal children

8.    Spiritual abuse/manipulation of leadership in your church

9.    Caretaking roles (sick children, parents)

1.  Empty nest

1.  Extended family members in crisis

1.  Lose of job, finances and/or stability

Most important relationship during this time: Significant other (spouse). So if you have been emotionally wounded by a spouse during this time, the greater the emotional wounds.

These layers of emotional wounds are not all inclusive, you may find that your emotional wounds are not listed. This is just a guide so you can add any other layers of healing that you need to. If you have never received healing from early childhood and early adult years then the layers of emotional wounds can merge and you can begin to experience external behaviors that are surfacing from internal root issues.

Healing occurs first when we have a desire and believe God does want our emotional healing.

Here are some action steps you can take towards your healing:

1.         Pray and ask God for emotional healing. Don’t underestimate this critical step towards your healing. Don’t relent and don’t give up until you receive your healing. Pray this prayer if you need some help getting started:

Heavenly Father,

Thank you Father that you desire to heal and restore me. I ask you to bring restoration to my emotions, and to redeem the years the enemy has stolen. Would you make me whole and bind-up all my emotional wounds. In Jesus name.

2.        Journal, write out your pain, your true feelings. Writing or journaling has proven to be an important therapeutic tool for recovery. If you need help or assistance during this time, I offer email counseling to women.  I can also pray in agreement with you for your healing. You can email me @ Stephanie@christianhopecounseling.com. Write out your life story, from earliest childhood memories to present, but don’t force this unless the Holy Spirit prompts this. The Holy Spirit will only lead you to this step to expose and bring healing, not to bring more pain.

3.        Spend daily time with the Lord. Read the Bible, pray, sing, meditate, and journal what God speaks to you.

4.        Write out your blessings every day! This step helps with feelings of being a victim and with self-pity. Make a blessings journal, write down (5) things to be thankful for every day.

5.        Read Joyce Meyer’s book, “Beauty for Ashes.” Excellent read and recommended for people suffering from emotional wounds. The first time I read “Beauty for Ashes” I received salvation at the end of reading that book. Other reading recommendations: Joyce Meyer’s, “Battlefield of the Mind.” Dr. Dan Allender’s, “Hope for adult victims of childhood sexual abuse.” My book, “Wilderness Mentality.” You can find these books at amazon.com and you can also find my book at www.createspace.com/4036784

6.        Rest and be still as God is working on you. Love and forgive yourself. Forgive others that you hurt you; including your offenders.

7.        Write a letter to your offenders or to the people that have hurt you. You don’t have to send it! If God leads you, confront your offenders in love and with forgiveness. This step should ONLY be done under the direction and leading of the Holy Spirit.

8.        Know who you are in Christ. You can download from Joyce Meyer’s ministries a copy of “Who you are in Christ.”

9.        Be gentle with yourself, healing takes time. You did not get here overnight, so be patient with yourself.

1.      Start finding enjoyment in the small things in life. Begin to enjoy your life.

1.        Exercise, especially walking to relieve stress that can accompany emotional wounds.

1.      Love yourself and think of yourself the way you would want someone to treat you. Accept and love yourself, right where you are and who God created you to be.

1.      Watch your thinking and negative thought patterns and speech. CHOOSE to be thankful, positive, and faith-filled.

Not allowing the emotional healing you need can lead to greater emotional wounds. It is better to work through your pain then to numb your pain or repress the pain. When we repress our pain, the pain just does not disappear but will manifest in other external behaviors.

Here are some distinct ways our unresolved pain can manifest:

1.        Drug/alcohol abuse

2.        Anger

3.        Depression

4.        Worry/anxiety

5.        Constant need for approval

6.        People pleasing

7.        Fear; fear of man

8.        Guilt; condemnation

9.        Shame

1.      Inability to trust others

1.      Difficulty connecting or maintaining relationships

1.      Lack of joy; difficulty finding enjoyment in life

1.      Lack of true peace

1.      Discontentment

1.      Easily offended/hurt

1.      Pretense-false self to hide the real you

Take the journey to your healing, God desires your healing and emotional healing can happen!

Women who Struggle with Friendships

This article is dedicated to the countless women that have struggled with maintaining and having healthy friendships with other women. I write from my own struggles in this area as well as what I hope to leave you with some hope and encouragement.

So many women I know have deep scars from rejection and betrayal. It has left many in a state of distrust and brokenness. As women when we love, we love deeply, for most women we give our all in our relationships. But what happens to the women who feel the sting of rejection and betrayal? It can leave a woman fearful to have intimate relationships, especially, women who have been scarred numerous times. If a woman comes from a background of abuse she will feel the pain of rejection and betrayl even more.

We may have tried countless times to have intimate relationships with other women, but each relationship ended in some devastating way and we are now more guarded, more careful. Should we be that way as Christian women? The answer is not that simple. I can tell you that we are not supposed to fear and we are to be vulnerable to others, but I can also say this as a counselor and as someone who has been through my share of failed relationships with women that it takes time to trust again and opening yourself up to another immediately is not healthy or recommended. You could easily get hurt again if you take the plunge into a relationship that just started. Be gentle with yourself if you have been wounded and feel like you are not able to trust. I would even recommend that if you have been very wounded in relationships that before you step out and start forming relationships with others that you heal your relationship with God first and then yourself.

If you have just one valuable friend, then you are blessed. But even more so, Jesus wants and desires to be your best friend. You can tell Him anything and He will never judge you nor betray you in any way. Your personality trait may be more introvert and if that is the case don’t try and force yourself to have numerous friendships or force yourself to be in awkward social situations. You may prefer the company of one, and that is okay. Someone else may prefer the company of many and that is okay, but never try and be something you’re not! God will change you if He wills and can even change your personality if He wills, but if that does not happen, then embrace who God made you.

You may be in a time in your life that you have few if any friends and you feel like a loser and a failure, but you are none of those things. You are valuable, precious and have worth. God knows where you’re at and at the right time, He will bring others in your path who will love and accept you for who you are. Don’t push or rush ahead of God’s time. You may feel the sting of being lonely and that is not easy, but you are never alone, God is always there. If you are in a season where you have limited friendships, let God be your friend and when God prompts you to reach out to others, do so.

You may not feel accepted by other people and feel rejected but God does love you and He does accept you. Begin to reach out to others slowly as God leads you to. Maybe you can join a Bible study at a church or attend a women’s event. Just start being around other women, even if it is in a group. Start slow and allow God to heal your inside, your soul. Know you’re not alone, there are countless other women who have felt the pain of rejection and betrayal.

You might even wonder what the hallmarks of a healthy relationship looks like. I have complied a list of healthy traits to look for from my personal experience and what God has taught me during painful times of experiencing rejection and betrayal. Look for these the next time you are wanting to engage in friendship with someone. It is not important that exhibit all of the traits but should have more of the positive traits then not. It is hard to say to a woman who has been hurt and wounded, “Just make more friends, open yourself up, or you have to trust again.” Saying those things to a woman who has been hurt is like pouring salt on her wounds. She knows what she needs to do, but her heart that gives so freely and loves so much can’t seem to force herself to go through more pain and trauma.

Traits to look for in healthy friendships:

1.        Do they follow Christ? Not just go to church but are they Disciples of Christ? Do they produce good “fruit?”

2.        Are they emotionally, spiritually, mentally stable?

3.        Are they financially responsible? Good stewards of their time and money?

4.        Are they “emotional vampires?” Do they “suck” the life out of you or enhance your life?

5.        Do they want all your time? Are they jealous of your relationships with others?

6.        Do you place their friendship above your spouses (if married) and do you spend more time with them then your spouse?

7.        Are they your best friend or is your husband if you’re married?

8.        Do they run to you to gossip or to talk endlessly about problems instead of praying?

9.        Do you feel energized after being with them or drained?

10.      Are they respectful of your time? Do they expect you to spend ALL day with them verses a few hours?

11.      Are they respectful with your spouse? No calling, texting, emailing, or touching without your permission.

12.      Do you do more fun things together than talking about their problems?

13.      Are they concerned about what you are going through and ask you what they can do to help you?

14.      Do you pray together frequently and share God’s word?

15.      Do they make you feel guilty? Do you feel pressure to have to see them?

16.      Do you feel tempted to sin if you are around them?

17.      Do they live unrepented, sinful lifestyles?

18.      Do you discern that something is not right, you just can’t put your finger on what it is?

19.      They don’t have any other friends but you, and they tell you that frequently.

20.      Is the most important person in their life Jesus Christ and this is evident in their lives?

21.      Are you compatible? Do you like the same things? Does the conversation flow or is it forced? Are you compatible spiritually? In other words do you believe and operate in the spiritual gifts but your friend does not believe in spiritual gifts?

22.      Are they negative or faith-filled more? Are they victims of their circumstances or victors over their circumstances?

23.      Do they have boundaries?

You are not alone and there are ways to heal and form healthy relationships. Take your time and let God bring those friendships into your path. Pray that God will bring the friendships He desires for you into your life. If you have been hurt in friendships, than sit back, relax and let God pick your friends. Tell God how you feel and let Him sort it out for you, and don’t worry about a thing!

If you need encouragement, prayer, or even would like to participate in online counseling for women, you can contact me@ www.christianhopecounseling.com or through Gospel Guidance@ www.gospelguidance.com/5311-sreck

I would love to hear from you! Share your story with me and send me an email@ Stephanie.christianhopecounseling.com