In this
article, the author will share her experiences and her heart on longings being
unfilled. The author will share her
perspective on waiting for desires of the heart to be fulfilled. My prayer for
this article is that others do not feel alone, and other’s will post and share
their story, their lessons, and any advice and hope in the wait. Please post
any comments at the bottom of this article, and share with others who need to
hear this message.
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| Longings and desires unfulfilled can become possibilities with God. |
What have you been
waiting for God to fulfill in your life?
My Story
Pain comes in many forms and suffering comes to us all. I am
no stranger to pain and suffering. Sometimes it can feel like you are all
alone, and like no one really understands what you are going through.
Sometimes, the pain comes in waves, other times it lays dormant, just waiting
for a time to slip out and cause me emotional turmoil. There are times that I
feel like I am on a roller coaster ride, my feelings and emotions ebb and flow
with certain times and seasons.
I have deep longings that I cannot contain sometimes. There
are times these deep-seated emotions get triggered and these emotions fall upon
me like an avalanche. I have done everything I know possible to wait with a
“thankful heart,” but sometimes, I fail miserably, and I sink it a pit of
sorrow and despair. I want so desperately to have what I think would bring me
joy and excitement. There are some things that I cannot seem to get a hold of
at times, and these longings get the better of me. I am desperate to not feel
this way, but there are times the enemy sends me little reminders of what I
don’t have and before you know it, if I am already tired, sick, or hormonal,
then I fall for the lie and the trap of the enemy. I long to keep my emotions
and feelings in check and not have them spill out and cause me anguish. I long
to be free from the waiting period, and just move on already.
For some of us, the longing in our hearts is for a spouse,
for some it is for a child, and for others it is a supportive family. I have
several deep, unresolved, longings in my heart. Sometimes, I think, “I have
healed from those longings, but then a reminder, and I start the longing all
over again.” I did find my companion, my best friend, but I had a child from a previous
relationship in my teenage years. I carried a lot of shame for having a child
so young. My only child is living a different lifestyle than me, he is my
prodigal child. I have waited, prayed, and cried for his return for 9 years. My
heart grows heavy sometimes for him, and I realize that I may not see the
desire of my heart for grandchildren in this lifestyle. I do know, God has my
child, and follows and pursues him, but sometimes, it feels a heavy weight, and
I need a time-out to “slip away from the crowds and grieve to God.” I know he
hears my cries for my child, but sometimes I wonder, “When will this end?”
I have always desired to have at least 4 children, but early
on in our marriage we detected I was having trouble conceiving. I did see a
fertility doctor, had surgery, took hormone shots, and waited in faith as my
church family told me. Well, the wait is now 12 years. Twelve years to have a
child. Some might say, “Well you already have a child.” My answer would be,
“Yes, but I was so young and did not enjoy the pregnancy and I long to have a
child with my Godly husband and raise the child in the ways of the Lord.” I am
pro adoption and of course pro-life, so we tried to adopt through the foster
care system, the unfortunate tragedy was that we kept the baby boy for a month,
but I was not willing to allow the parents another 6 months to a year to fulfill
their service agreement and possibly get their child back. All sorts of fears
crept up in me, “I thought if there is a possibility that I may have to give
this child up in 6 months or a year if these parents decide to get their acts together,
and that may be way too difficult for me.” We decided that foster-adopt would
not work for us, because of the heavy risks involved in losing a child, and
since we were already undergoing such heartache trying to conceive that this
would not be an option for us, but I believe it is a beautiful thing when the
right family can take a child from the foster care system. I was so heart-broken
after that incident that I was not even wanting to look at foreign or domestic
adoption.
My other longing is for my family and my husband’s family to
know Jesus, and to be healed of dysfunction, mental illness, and addictions.
You see, both our families with the exception of a small few, have tremendous
issues. I long for them to receive Christ and for the ones who are battling
addiction, mental illness, or some sort of dysfunction to be healed. I have
tried to reach them over the years, by sharing the Gospel in word and deed,
bringing them to church, trying to help financially, and just listening to
them, but several have chosen to go a different path. With all the family
turmoil, I did not think it was fair at this point to bring a child into our
family through adoption. I just thought, “It would not be fair to subject an
innocent child to the family chaos.” I felt all my dreams came crashing down
and I begin to shut down. Something closed up inside of me at that time, and I
stopped hoping and the heartache became unbearable. I thought, “I can’t being a
child into our home when I don’t even want to get out of bed.” Them the
depression hits, debilitating, and horrific. I stopped living, caring, stopped
desiring, and just stopped everything.
So what happens when you wait, wait, and wait some more, and
then your hope gets deferred once again? You have two options, you can redefine
your life and move past the waiting or you can stop and remain stuck. So here I
am, I am turning 40 in 2 weeks, and I am still in the waiting. I have been in
the waiting for 12 years, but I am tired of feeling stuck. I want to move past
the waiting. I want to know that if these desires never get fulfilled that I
can live and be joyful. I want to also have an incredible faith that says,”
Nothing is impossible with God.” I want God to resurrect old dreams if he chooses
and give me new desires and dreams.
The reality is desires of the heart that go unfilled for a
time can be painful. We need to acknowledge that pain to God. We may need to at
times step away from the crowds and be with Jesus, He is the only one who can
shed light and bring you the comfort you need. There are times you may need to
say,” No “to an activity or function that would be painful or a reminder if you
are already feeling weak and vulnerable. Do not push yourself to do anything
that God is not leading you to do. Take time for yourself, and be good to
yourself. Do things that you enjoy. Repurpose your life. Take a day or however
long it takes and slip away with the Lord, and ask Him to show you what He
desires for you.
Ask God these questions?
1.
What are your desires for me?
2.
How do I heal my heart and my desires?
3.
How do I repurpose my life?
4.
How do I get unstuck and move past the waiting?
5.
Do you have new dreams for me or do old dreams
need to be resurrected again?
Lord Jesus,
We pursue you today and ask that you open our hearts to your
will and desires for us. Show us what you desire for us, and how to let go of
our fleshy desires. God help us to have an unbelievable faith and help us to
build new dreams and show us what old dreams should come back to life. God show
us what you have for us, and help us not want anything that is not from you or
in your will for us.
In Jesus name, amen
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