Counselor's Corner: Freedom from Entanglements with Others

We are called to be Holy and to live righteously before God. We are also called to be a light in this dark world, but what happens when you become entangled in helping others?

Merriam-Webster defines entanglement as something that entangles, confuses, or ensnares. The condition of being deeply involved. Synonyms for entanglement are web, mesh, net, noose, quicksand, snare, toil, and trap.

Free Dictionary defines entanglement as twisting together or entwine into a confusing mass. To complicate or confuse.

Have you ever tried to help someone repeatedly and felt you were getting entangled in their problems?

The more you try and help the more you feel like you are getting into quicksand and you feel there is no answer to their situations, which in turn causes you frustration. You start second guessing if you are a “real Christian.” You feel a sense of false guilt over not being able to cope and handle all the problems that others bring to you. Many times the very people you are entangled with are piling heaps of guilt and manipulation upon you. This is especially difficult when dealing with loved ones and family. There is a deeper entanglement that comes from the ones we love. We don’t want them to suffer and to hurt, but what happens when all the helping is not helping but hurting you?

 

Getting entangled in other's problem
 can feel like being trapped in a spider web. 

The enemy will bring situations and people into you path to distract and derail your purposes. There are some signs to watch for when you have gone too deep with someone.

1.      Did you feel prompted by the Holy Spirit to intervene or was it pressure from the other person or a desire to please?

2.      Are you struggling with your walk with God? Feeling spiritually bankrupt? Your time with God is lacking and you are having trouble focusing on hearing God’s voice.

3.      You may feel discouraged, defeated, and like a failure.

4.      You feel stress, turmoil, tension, strife, chaos, and confusion.

5.      You can’t seem to get a clear or direct answer from the person you are trying to help. It seems when you talk with the person you are trying to help it appears muddy or confusing.

6.      You may experience fatigue and even sickness.

7.      The person you are trying to help does not listen to the advice you are trying to give to them, and they continue to do what they are doing; meanwhile still wanting you to fix their problems.

8.      You begin to feel frustrated, irritable, and maybe even angry.

9.      You are consumed with trying to intervene, and maybe even losing sleep as a result. Your focus is on their situation, and not on Christ.

10.  Your peace is gone and joy has dissipated.

11.  No amount of intervention or help is never enough for the person or people you are entangled with.

12.  You feel emotionally, physically and spiritually drained.

13.  You feel distracted and out of balance.

14.   You feel like you are on an emotional roller coaster ride with their issues.

You may be dealing with a toxic person. To get entangled in a toxic person’s issues is dangerous to your mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being. Not all people who say they want help, in fact really want help.

If the Holy Spirit is leading you, there will be harmony, peace, and a desire to be around the other person you are trying to help. If you begin to dread being around that person or talking to them, it is a sign that it is not a healthy relationship and the Holy Spirit is not directing you.

Restoration and reconciliation are always hoped for in these types of relationships, but until then some precautions need to be made for your sanity.

1.      Take a time-out from these destructive relationships. Regain your peace and order. Ask the Lord Jesus to step-in and take full control, and you step out before you go under with them.

2.      Confront in love. The person that repeatedly causes drama and chaos in your life should be confronted as the Holy Spirit directs. Don’t do this in anger, but with the hope of true repentance.

3.      Set proper boundaries and consequences. This is important in dealing with ones who say they are sorry but continue to repeat the same behaviors over and over again. You will need to keep a guard up, and observe their behavior for a time (a solid year of consistent behavior is a good indication of true change), before realigning your life to theirs.

4.      Keep in mind that Jesus is not expecting to wear yourself out to help others who are not really helping themselves.

5.      Begin taking care of you and foster the good and positive relationships in your life. Stay away from toxic and negative people as much as possible. Nurture yourself and love yourself.

6.      Many times when we are engaged with other toxic people we neglect our other relationships that are satisfying. Take time to rebuild and restore satisfying relationships.

7.      Forgive yourself and let go of all guilt. Guilt is a tool straight from the pit of hell. It NEVER comes from God.

Remain in love and forgiveness towards ones who abuse and hurt you. Don’t allow any bitterness or anger to cause you to stumble.

Sometimes we have to “let go and let God,” and that can include letting go of people who really don’t want help.

Counselor's Corner: Setting Boundaries-Part I

*Today’s article will be from a two-part series on setting boundaries.

Many people have trouble setting boundaries. In relationships, a boundary is what divides one person, so they can have separate identities. Healthy borders show respect for one another. Limits are important to have so that you do not become enmeshed with other people’s problems, and have difficulty setting parameters to their request. Sometimes, individuals lack constraints because they feel over-responsible for other people, and they are consumed by guilt and what others think of them. Individuals lack boundaries because they were never shown to them, such as with childhood sexual abuse. Someone with a history of abuse, often lacks healthy limitations, and everybody’s needs and concerns become their needs and concerns. They do not know where they begin, and others end, oftentimes, because they were violated and do not know they have the right to say, “No.”

It is okay to say, “No.”

If you lack the ability to be clear about not being able to do things, this can lead to exhaustion and burn-out, in particularly if one is involved in ministry or a helping profession. Living up to the expectations of others can become wearisome.

►Key signs to look for if someone has trouble setting boundaries: 

1.      Inability to not go along with others requests and demands of their time.

2.      Take on the burdens of others as if they were your own.

3.      History of abuse or permissive parents with no limits or discipline.

4.      Need the approval of others and have a fear of man. Care deeply what people think.

5.      Feel guilty if you’re not able to do what others expect.

6.      Oftentimes, feel used, exhausted, and irritated at the constant demands of others, but not able to set healthy parameters.

7.      Unaware of your own needs and have a difficult time taking care of personal needs.

“Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe.” Proverbs 29:25

Boundaries protect us from those who lack self-control, and try to manipulate to getting what they want. A person with healthy limitations takes responsibility for their own lives, and allows others to take responsibility of their lives. Problems setting limits are a main reason people get stressed. It is important to speak the truth, always in love, to those who would violate our boundaries.

As Christians, we feel to love someone, we should be long-suffering, and accept the person just as they are. One can continue to give and give, and continue on the “crazy cycle,” because we feel it’s the “Christian” thing to do. Hurt and resentment can begin to fester, if the person we are trying to help or meet their demands continues their sequence of bad behavior. There are two sides of love the Bible teaches about, one is acceptance and forgiveness, and the other is truth and righteous behavior. Love is not always giving people what they want or expect.

Be sure to check tomorrow’s blog post for part two on setting boundaries with loved ones.

Counselor's Corner: Know Your Limitations

 I have a hard time saying no and often feel selfish for doing so. It is so hard to let people down and know that they are disappointed with you.

As I slipped away to be alone with the Lord, His response to me was refreshing and yet surprising to me. God showed me I have limits, and that I would be wise to know what they are. We are not called to do everything that is placed in front of us. Really? I thought we were. My warped motto has been for years if there is a need, meet it. After living this motto for most of my life, I am now realizing that it is not emotionally, mentally, or spiritually healthy.

Everyone has their limits on what they can endure. There are some warning signs that you have gone past your limitations.

Here are a few of those signs:

1.      Increased frustration, irritability, and anger.

2.      Lack of patience.

3.      Sleep is disturbed- feel restless and nightmares.

4.      Your “cup” feels empty or dry, but you keep giving anyway.

5.      Fatigue, headaches, backaches and an overall sense of malaise.

6.      Not at peace, feel anxious and worried instead of casting your care on the Lord.

7.      Feel pressured, cornered, or guilty at the demands of others.

8.      Burdened, heavy, and overwhelmed.

People without boundaries will be the first to violate your time. We need to know when God is in something and when He is not. One of the biggest keys to knowing if God is in something is having His peace. If you are feeling anxious or confused about doing something, that is a great indicator that God may not want you involved. Saying No is not easy if you are accustomed to pleasing others. It may seem selfish not to intervene or you may not feel like a “good Christian.”

If we do everything that comes across our paths, it will be a surefire way to exhaustion and burn-out. I recently had to set limits on helping a family member. I had already put out so much time and energy with this family member, I just had to set a limit. Was this hard? Yes, but I am learning to minister in the rhythm that Jesus did. Jesus took breaks from the demands of His ministry for peace and rest. Luke 5:16 tells us, “Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed.” Sometimes, we need to pull away from the “crowds” and be with the Lord. We should do this as often as we need to. This does not make you weak or a failure, but it will make you hear from the Father in what He should have you to do. Being connected to the Father above everything else will bring you peace, strength and joy.

Breathe. Relax. Slow-down

You cannot be everything to everyone!

What ways do you have difficulty setting limits? What happens when you do not set limits in your life?

Healing From Co-Dependency

What is Co-Dependency?

Co-Dependency is a bondage to please other people. Co-Dependents allow another person’s behavior to affect them, and other people’s problems to become their problems. They look for ways to try and fix and solve other people’s problems. Co-dependents are by nature a helper and a “fixer.” They pick up the pieces in other people’s lives, and don’t allow them to suffer natural consequences of their decisions. Co-Dependents are plagued by false guilt and a false sense of responsibility for people. They get so enmeshed in other people’s problems that it exhausts them, and they often feel their “cup is empty.” They often feel used by others, and that their needs really don’t matter. Often the Co-Dependent feels alone and overwhelmed. Co-Dependents feel the “weight of the world” on their shoulders.

Who is Likely to be Co-Dependent?

·        Family of origin (the family that you were born into) that placed you in the role as the “fixer” in the family. A fixer is responsible for solving family problems and issues. The fixer has the answers and the solution.

·        Being in a relationship or have a family member that has an addiction issue.

·        Having a rebellious child, a prodigal child, or mentally-ill child.

·        Inability to say, “No” to others and difficulty setting boundaries with others.

·        Being a people pleaser and having a fear of displeasing man. Fear of letting others down and others being angry at you.

·        History of childhood trauma-abuse, domestic violence in the home, divorce, ill parent (either physical or mental).

·        Being involved in a relationship with an abusive partner as an adult.

Co-dependents try to fix, rescue, and help, but no matter how much they try they always end-up feeling like a failure. Co-dependents never feel they can do enough. Co-dependents can easily analyze other people’s problems, and give them a solution to their problems. Co-dependents feel responsible for making other people happy. Saying, “No” to a person’s need is almost impossible for the co-dependent, and especially if the co-dependent is a Christian. Co-dependent Christians fear they can’t measure up to the Christian responsibilities, and struggle with guilt when they don’t help others.

Co-dependents are often compassionate and tender-hearted people that carry the burdens of others. Instead of empathizing with you, the co-dependent will sympathize with you. They have a difficult time not taking on the hurt and pain of others. They often “feel” the pain of others. If you tell a co-dependent a problem they instinctively begin looking for how to solve your problem. They are by-nature problem-solvers, and many have been solving problems in their family since childhood. Co-dependents can be easily controlled by others and easily manipulated because of their tender nature and desire to help. Some people know this and will attempt to take advantage of the co-dependent’s good-nature.

Codependents do what they do to gain a sense of self-worth and to gain love and acceptance that many have been looking for since childhood. They are trying to fill a void and deep pain in their lives by helping others, than they will feel useful and important. If a co-dependent helps someone they feel elated, and if they fail to help someone, they will feel like a failure.

Key Factors to Consider When Healing From Co-Dependency:

Get a journal and begin to pray through each one of these questions. Take your time, and allow the Holy Spirit to reveal the cause of your Codependency and specific steps for your healing.

1.      What is the root/origin of your co-dependency? If you don’t know ask the Holy Spirit to show you. What was your “role” in your family of origin? Fixer, etc. Did you experience role-reversal as a child? In other words did you play the role of parent and your parent (s) played the role of the child?

2.      What are your motives for co-dependency? Fear of rejection, fear of failure, avoidance of pain, gain approval by others, feel a sense of worth.

3.      Who fuels your co-dependency? Why? How do these people make you feel when you don’t do what they want? Do they withdraw from you, manipulate you, and reject you.

4.      Do you have an exaggerated perception of life? Things and people are all good or all bad. You tend to see people and situations in black and white?

5.      Do you feel valuable and worthy when you help or rescue someone? Do you feel guilty when you can’t help someone?

6.      Do you feel guilty when you say, “No” to others or when you take care of yourself?

7.      Are your emotions dependent on the responses of others? Ex., if she is sad, I must have done something to hurt her, it is my fault she is sad.

8.      Do you feel responsible for making other’s happy, not just in your family?

9.      Have you taken the place of God in other people’s lives? If someone has a need, your response is, “I’ll meet it.” Do you prevent others from developing responsibility in their own lives? Co-dependents should let other’s do things for themselves, but often they step in.

10.  Do you put on a façade for other people to cover your pain? Do you have a hard time admitting your problems? Don’t feel like bothering anyone else with your needs?

11.  As a Christian, do you feel you can’t measure up to the high expectations of the Christian life?

12.  Do you feel you can gain worth by serving God? Do you plunge into activities and service for the hope of being recognized by others?

How to Start Healing From Co-Dependency:

1.      Recognize you didn’t get here overnight, and it will be a process of recovery.

2.      Find healthy Christians to be around, just don’t surround yourself with users, drainers, toxic, needy people, or other co-dependent people.  

3.      Detach from relationships as needed. Detach and pray, then when you are strong enough and God has allowed you to enter in the relationship again, than do so. This applies to family relationships, but friendships may be detached longer or permantely through the leading of Holy Spirit. Detachment always has the hope of reconciliation with that person, but if you feel you are relapsing into co-dependency and you reservoirs are on empty, it is okay to detach from a relationship for a time.

4.      When needs and problems come your way, don’t react and come up with a solution immediately. You can say to that person, “I need time to pray about that” or “I need God to direct me first before I make a decision.” Then go and pray before offering solutions, advice, help, or rescuing. Oftentimes, God does not want us to intervene because He is trying to work something out in their lives.

5.      Don’t assume that God wants you to rescue, help, and fix every problem that comes into your path, this can be especially difficult for the Christian. We are taught about servant hood and self-sacrifice and to put other’s needs ahead of our own. But God does not expect us to give on “empty,” and Jesus did not heal every sick person nor help every single person that came into His contact. We have to have discernment to know when God says “Step in,” and when He is leading us from not intervening.

6.      Don’t anticipate the needs of others. Listen to them and let them ask for help, but don’t offer up help that they are not asking for. A lot of the time people will tell you their woes hoping you will help, but it is better if they ask directly for the needs that they have. Even if they do ask for help, you can still say that you need to pray first and get back to them.

7.      Do not rescue compulsively. You will have to be on guard for this because you will be presented needs and you will want to rescue.

8.      Set limits in your life. Recognize and be aware what people in your life get you entangled in the trap of co-dependency.

9.      Start taking care of yourself. Do things that you enjoy. Keep your eyes focused on Jesus and not on other people’s issues. This can be a challenge for the co-dependent if you have been surrounded by needs, so this is where detachment for a time is important.

10.  Read and research all you can about co-dependency, preferably from a Christian perspective. A good online Christian Co-Dependent recovery program can be found at: www.christiancodependence.com