Counselor's Corner: Setting Boundaries with Loved Ones-Part II

*Be sure to read Part I on Setting Boundaries.

Setting limits with loved ones is not always easy. Having prodigal children, dysfunctional and toxic family, and unbelieving family can test the strongest of individuals. It is imperative if one has these types of relationships to learn and apply boundaries with these individuals. You may love your family and have a deep desire to help them, and at the same time feel exhausted from the repetitive attempts to please, fix, and solve their problems. Often, you will see cycles of behavior in dysfunctional families, basically they manipulate to get their desired outcome, and the enabler succumbs; then this is repeated again and again. At times, it seems impossible to meet their every need, but you do because they are family, right?

If you see repeated patterns of unhealthy behavior with your nearest and dearest, and they look to you and not to God for intervening in their problems, it’s time to back off, and let God be God in their lives. Feelings of guilt may ensue, believing as Christians it is our duty to be at the beckoning demands of people. It is especially a challenge to set limits on our families who need constantly from us with no avail of changing. Do we really have the right to set limitations on our time, money, and resources? Yes!

To constantly intervene in the crisis and demands of people we love can be emotionally draining. Irresponsible behavior can be enabled if we are there trying to rescue the ones we cherish. Controllers hear the word “no” as a challenge to them. They project responsibility of their lives onto others, and use various means of control to manipulate you to carry their load. Manipulative controllers use guilt messages and will talk you into saying yes when you want to say no. They indirectly sway others to get their way. You may identify this trait in your loved ones.

“For each will have to bear his own load.” Galatians 5:6. Everyone should carry their own responsibility.

Jesus did not always do what everyone wanted Him to do. There were many people He did not help, and when He did help, He expected them to do their part. Jesus said no to the demands of people (Luke 5:5-16), and withdrew from the crowds who wanted Him, for alone time with the Father. Jesus confronted the invalid of 38 years at the sheep pool to “Get up! Pick up your mat and walk.” Jesus challenged him to be motivated and take responsibility for himself. (John 5:1-14).

Give your loved ones warnings for their hurtful behavior, if this does not work, set a consequence for violating the warning. If the consequence is broken, it may be time to separate yourself until that person understands what the violation was. This is never done to punish or done in anger, but to protect yourself. Limit your exposure to evil and unrepentive people. The Bible says to separate ourselves from people who act in destructive ways.

Boundaries are good and they are necessary to protect you mentally, spiritually, physically and financially. It is okay to set boundaries with your loved ones.

Counselor's Corner: Setting Boundaries-Part I

*Today’s article will be from a two-part series on setting boundaries.

Many people have trouble setting boundaries. In relationships, a boundary is what divides one person, so they can have separate identities. Healthy borders show respect for one another. Limits are important to have so that you do not become enmeshed with other people’s problems, and have difficulty setting parameters to their request. Sometimes, individuals lack constraints because they feel over-responsible for other people, and they are consumed by guilt and what others think of them. Individuals lack boundaries because they were never shown to them, such as with childhood sexual abuse. Someone with a history of abuse, often lacks healthy limitations, and everybody’s needs and concerns become their needs and concerns. They do not know where they begin, and others end, oftentimes, because they were violated and do not know they have the right to say, “No.”

It is okay to say, “No.”

If you lack the ability to be clear about not being able to do things, this can lead to exhaustion and burn-out, in particularly if one is involved in ministry or a helping profession. Living up to the expectations of others can become wearisome.

►Key signs to look for if someone has trouble setting boundaries: 

1.      Inability to not go along with others requests and demands of their time.

2.      Take on the burdens of others as if they were your own.

3.      History of abuse or permissive parents with no limits or discipline.

4.      Need the approval of others and have a fear of man. Care deeply what people think.

5.      Feel guilty if you’re not able to do what others expect.

6.      Oftentimes, feel used, exhausted, and irritated at the constant demands of others, but not able to set healthy parameters.

7.      Unaware of your own needs and have a difficult time taking care of personal needs.

“Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe.” Proverbs 29:25

Boundaries protect us from those who lack self-control, and try to manipulate to getting what they want. A person with healthy limitations takes responsibility for their own lives, and allows others to take responsibility of their lives. Problems setting limits are a main reason people get stressed. It is important to speak the truth, always in love, to those who would violate our boundaries.

As Christians, we feel to love someone, we should be long-suffering, and accept the person just as they are. One can continue to give and give, and continue on the “crazy cycle,” because we feel it’s the “Christian” thing to do. Hurt and resentment can begin to fester, if the person we are trying to help or meet their demands continues their sequence of bad behavior. There are two sides of love the Bible teaches about, one is acceptance and forgiveness, and the other is truth and righteous behavior. Love is not always giving people what they want or expect.

Be sure to check tomorrow’s blog post for part two on setting boundaries with loved ones.

Counselor's Corner: Bringing Your Life into Balance

Have you noticed in your life that when you get too little or too much of something, your life gets out of balance?

→There are many ways that your life can get out of balance. Check as many that apply to you:

·         Work demands

·         Extended family obligations

·         Church functions and/or volunteer opportunities

·         Watching too much TV, texting/checking emails constantly and/or social media

·         No time for fun or relaxation

·         Giving of self to others when your “cup is empty”

·         Little quality time with spouse

·         Eating too much junk food

·         Little or no exercising

·         Time spent with God is little or infrequent

Any others that may apply to you?

Life happens and sometimes curveballs come your way and you get completely out of balance. The goal is then to not stay out of balance.

Recognize the signs of being out of balance so that you may immediately get back in balance.

Signs you are out of balance:

1.      Tiredness, excessively sleepy or fatigued.

2.      Difficult concentrating or staying focused.

3.      Short-fused, irritable and/or easily frustrated.

4.      Feel tense; back and/or neck pain.

5.      Trouble laughing or smiling.

6.      Find yourself complaining and grumbling more.

7.      Difficulty enjoying the simple things of life.

8.      Overall just do not feel well.

9.      Experience high levels of stress.

How to get your life back in balance:

·         Recognize when you are out of balance.

·         Place God first above all. Spend daily time with God.

·         Prioritize what is most important-God, spouse, family, work/ministry.

·         Take a Sabbath (rest) once a week. That’s right, once a week, relax and do nothing stressful or work related.

·         Take a day off of work, or a long weekend.

·         Start exercising regularly and eating a balanced diet.

·         Be okay with saying, “No,” when you need to.

·         Do something that you enjoy.

·         Decrease time with energy-draining people and increase time with others who inspire, encourage and lift you up.

·         Set limits on your time-phone calls, texts, emails and social media.

You will know when you are back in balance when your heart rate, breathing and blood pressure are becoming normal. Your sleep is restful and replenishing. You have energy, have motivation and have creativity again. You do not feel tense, stress or anxiety. You are able to laugh and enjoy the simple pleasures of life.

Why We Don’t Like Disappointing Others

Since I was a little girl I always wanted to please the adults in my life, as I grew older that really did not change much. I do not like letting people down or having to tell anyone, “No.” I fear that that person will get mad at me and think less than positive things about me. I have gotten better over the years of telling others, “No,” but sometimes it still bothers me to tell someone,” I am not able to do that at this time.”

Where does this root of people-pleasing stem from? Insecurity, having a lack of personal boundaries, and the fear of man (caring too much what others think).

But I’m learning IT IS OKAY to disappoint others. When we fail to recognize that we will disappoint others and that is okay, it can lead to stress, fear and worry. We must get comfortable with letting others down. We must be tuned-in to the Holy Spirit so that He can let us know if we are to go here or there. Oftentimes, the Holy Spirit does not speak anything direct to our spirits  but we have a deep inner “knowing,” a settled peace, and there is a natural flow (in other words, you don’t have guilt or try and figure out how you can fit one more thing into your already packed schedule). When we tell others no, they most likely will not like that answer and possibly pout or sulk, but that is not your problem. If someone manipulates you through guilt by their words or even facial and body language you know that is not coming from the Lord.

How can we respond to others disappointing us? If you ask a request of someone and they politely say, “No thank you, I am not going to go this time;” we should respect their response and simply say,” No problem at all.” This can take the guilt of saying no off the person that is declining your invitation. If we get upset either by our words or non-verbal body language, we are sending a guilt message to that person.

We cannot please everyone all the time. We cannot agree to everyone’s request that comes our way and keep our sanity. When someone is disappointed with you, it is out of your control-and it is their problem!

Fear of letting people down will cause you to do things you were not intended to do. We don’t want others to reject us, so we agree to do what is best for them and not necessarily for us. The root of rejection can stem all the way back to our childhood, and if we still carry around that root of rejection we will have a more difficult time disappointing others.

Sometimes we have trouble disappointing others because we don’t want them to feel rejected or hurt, but most people are resilient and will “get over” you saying no to them quickly. We cannot be responsible for how others will take our, “No, thank you.” If there is a mutual respect between two people it will be very easy to say how you really feel and what you can or can’t do. Saying “No” is often most difficult with family, spouses, friends, and your boss. The people we are the closet to are the hardest to disappoint, and that is because we want them to continue to love us, accept us, and think good things about us. However, we should be more concerned about pleasing our Heavenly Father.

Learn to practice saying, “No,” and being okay with disappointing others. If you want everyone to be happy with you ALL the time, you will need to get over that! Not everyone will be happy or pleased with us 100% of the time. If you are putting other’s needs ahead of your own needs, you are setting yourself up for feelings of resentment. Get to the root of why you can’t say, “No” to others. Perhaps you enjoy being liked and validated or just need to feel needed. Getting the approval of others may make you feel like you are a good person. Maybe your main issue is how people will view you. You certainly don’t want to be viewed as lazy, uncaring, or selfish.

You have a choice! You DO NOT have to say, “Yes,” when someone asks something of you. If someone asks you for something it is perfectly OKAY to say,” I need to get back with you on that at a later time.” Don’t give into the demands of pushy people wanting an answer right away. If you do agree to someone’s request, SET A TIME LIMIT. For example, “We can meet Saturday from 12pm-2pm.” If you don’t set limits and boundaries with certain people, your time will be taken advantage of. Some people clearly will manipulate and try and take every advantage of you. You can spot the manipulator by their flattery. You do not have to defend your decision with excessive reasoning. The manipulator will use your reasoning to gain wiggle room to get you to say yes, such as, “Oh, you can do that later. “Don’t apologize for telling someone, “No.” It makes you appear like you are at fault.

You are entitled to your time, your need to rest, and your boundaries. We all have emotional and physical limits, and not everyone knows what they are in our lives. Setting boundaries can include the times we answer our phone, have company, and letting others know they will need to call and ask if they can come over. Yes, others may be disappointed that you have personal boundaries, but they will get over it if they truly respect and love you.

Fearing people is a dangerous trap, but trusting the Lord means safety. Proverbs 29:25, NLT

For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ. Galatians 1:10, ESV

How about you? What do you struggle with the most in disappointing others?