Where do I Belong?

Dictionary.com defines belonging as something that belongs. I don’t know your background, but did you get a sense that you belonged? The world and society says you only belong if you perform up to a certain standard. We can be insecure when we lack a sense of belonging.

You may have not known your parents, whether through adoption, abandonment, or death. You may have not been shown love, acceptance, or felt like you belonged. You may have experienced being bullied or ridiculed by your peers, and felt the sting of rejection by certain groups. You may have endured physical, emotional, or sexual abuse, and you have never felt like you belonged. You may struggled in school and not made the highest grades. You may have experienced being a teenage mother. You may have struggled with your health, and perhaps even been homebound. You may have come from a financially poor family, and struggled with trying to keep up. You may have a physical disability. You may struggle with your mental and emotional health.

A misfit does not quit fit into anyone class or group. There is a sense of not belonging.

I am a firm believer that attachment and belonging start in infancy and even in the womb. Our parents give us our first sense of belonging and acceptance as well as our image of God. Have you felt like you have never quit fit into a particular group? Have you searched for significance and belonging? I believe, that most girls/women and some men become promiscuous because they are longing to fill the void of belonging, attachment, and love. We see in our society every form of trying to fill the void of belonging and love, whether through gangs, cults, and even religion.

Psychologist, John Bowlby, introduced the attachment theory. Bowlby presents that when we are accepted by others we experience warmth and security, and by contrast when we experience rejection by others it can cause shame and anxiety. Bowlby’s work included his theory on the relationship between infants and their caregivers. It was proposed that strong, secure attachments found in early years were associated with an individual’s ability to form intimate trusting and emotionally secure relationships.

Psychologist, Abraham Maslow, introduced the “hierarchy of needs.” Basically he formulated a pyramid with five levels of our basic needs, one of the five, he labels love and belonging. According to Maslow, humans need to feel a sense of belonging and acceptance among their social groups, including family and friends. Humans need to love and to be loved by others.

You may be thinking that you have not received that kind of love and belonging in your relationships, whether family, friendships, or others. As a child, I did not fit in and belong, and even as an adult I still have not found one particular group of people I can say I totally belong. Even though, I do belong to the Body of Christ, there are stills groups and cliques we form in the church. I am eclectic, a hodge-podge of various things, and I am not a typical “church girl.” I don’t like dresses, things that are “frou-frou,” I don’t come from a Christian heritage, I prefer to hang-out with people who are the misfits, and I have a prodigal son that I had as a teenager. 

Maybe you are physically disabled, homebound, homeless, an orphan, a widow, a teenage mother, have no children, single, financially strapped, have health ailments, or even emotional issues. Maybe you have come from an environment that you did not feel loved and felt like you belonged. Maybe you were abused, abandoned, rejected, and tossed-aside. Maybe you were forgotten or misunderstood. Maybe you have always felt different. You are not alone. There are countless others, including myself, who have experienced these difficulties.

BUT…Reflect on these truths…

You are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for His possession, that you may proclaim the excellences of Him who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light.

1 Peter 2:9

~ Don’t compare yourselves to others.

For He chose us in Him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in His sight. In love, He predestined us to be adopted as His sons through Jesus Christ.

Ephesians 2:10

~ Know matter your family background, you have been adopted into the family of God.

God has a special place in His heart for misfits. God always had in His heart to take care of those who could not take care of themselves, the orphan, the widow, and the fatherless. Jesus did not just come for the powerful, the prosperous, or the religious, but Jesus came for the blind, the lame, the diseased, the dead, the hurting, the outcasts, and the sinners. Just look through the Bible and you can find numerous misfits God choose to use and redeem for His purposes. God is a redeemer that means whatever your losses have been, He will rectify them. Abraham and Sarah, a childless couple, God chose to make a great nation though them. Moses, had a speech impediment and was a murderer, yet God still used him. The disciples were misfits, tax collectors, fisherman, and just commonplace. Rahab, the prostitute, obviously a misfit, was used by God and was seen as faithful. Naomi, a widow and, and bitter because of her circumstances; God sent her a kinsmen-redeemer, and she was used mightily with her daughter-in-laws.

God still uses misfits today! If you are a misfit, you can rejoice that God has a special plan and purpose for your life. If you are a believer in Jesus Christ, you belong to God’s family. Though you may have been rejected by people or may have not felt accepted; you are accepted and loved by God.

God Gives Beauty for Ashes

To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them BEAUTY FOR ASHES, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness, that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified. Isaiah 61:3

God is a restorer and a redeemer. God can take all the ugly and hurtful things that have happened in our lives and transform them into something beautiful. No matter what your life has been like, abuse, abandonment, rejection, or trauma, God can take the pain and rebuild your life. If you have experienced deep sorrow, and you feel worthless and hopeless, hold onto God’s Word that He gives beauty for ashes. Ashes are the occurrences in our lives that have caused us much grief, agony, and heartache. God has a plan to repair the ruins in your life.

Some people have endured deep scars from sexual, physical, or mental abuse, and they feel they could never be whole or complete, but God trades the wounds and misery for His rebuilding and completeness. God never waste hurt, if you have been affected by suffering through abuse, rape, sexual assault, or any other traumatic life experiences, God desires to bring you renewal. God can take the most devastating things that have happened in your life, and renovate you and use you to bring recovery and hope to others. God will not only repair you from brokenness but He will use you to help others overcome their damaged lives.

God has a purpose for your life and He will cause something magnificent to come from the distress of your life. God desires to deliver you from the things in your past that weigh you down and cause you much heaviness. Many times, people that have a history of affliction begin to self-heal and self-medicate the pain through numerous addictions, such as alcohol, drugs, and food, but God wants to repair all of your painful memories and bring deliverance from these dependencies. God will help you work through the uncomfortable remembrances, one at a time, and He will lavish His unconditional love upon you and reconstruct you from the years of destruction. Do not be concerned what your former years were like or even what you have done, God can rectify the most distressing events in your life.

There is a reason for your existence, and God has a plan for your anguish. So many people, including myself, have helped so many individuals with their devastating life circumstances because we have not only gone through the encounters but we have allowed God to redeem, recondition and repair us.

God does give beauty for ashes.

God wants you to be delivered from what you have done and from what has been done to you - Both are equally important to Him.

― Joyce Meyer, Beauty for Ashes: Receiving Emotional Healing

The Effects on Adult Children of Divorce

The divorce of one’s parent’s is generally one of the most painful events in life. The adult child can reasonably expect to go through a grieving process, even if they are aware of a history of marital discord. Research indicates that divorce is life’s second highest stressor, second only to death of a loved one. Healing and recovery for adult children of divorce (ACOD) does not happen overnight, it can take years; and their recovery process has been compared to that of a recovering alcoholic.

Oftentimes, ACOD, lack the emotional support to get them through this time. There is a misconception that divorce is harder on younger children, but some research studies have shown that divorce is harder on adult children. In addition to feelings of great loss, the ACOD, can find themselves in all sorts of uncomfortable situations that younger children are spared; such as your parents confiding in you and leaning on you for support. Divorce has long-term consequences for grown children. It primarily affects relationships, your ability to trust, and the loss of availability that can happen when parents remarry and start relationships with their new families. Children, oftentimes do not have the emotional intelligence yet to process this, but ACOD do. ACOD and younger children of divorce will experience loss that comes from losing their childhood home, time as a family, holidays spent together, but the ACOD will experience greater levels of stress and responsibility.

Common effects divorce has on adult children:

1.      Anger- this can be directed at either parents or one parent. Anger is part of the grieving process, so there will be times you will feel anger; and perhaps not just anger at your parents but the new family that has appeared to take your place.

2.     Stress and feelings of additional responsibility- you may feel like you have to take sides, or that you are being disloyal if you spend more time with one parent than the other. You may feel responsible for helping them with their loss, and that just adds to your already stress that you are feeling. You may be constantly worried about their well-being, and take on more of their emotions.

3.      Security and self-worth issues- some ACOD absorb the guilt of their parents’ divorce, and in turn security and self-worth are affected. Everything the ACOD knew to be true about their parent’s marriage, makes them wonder if they can trust and find security with anyone.

4.      Feelings of abandonment, loneliness, rejection, and inferiority- Where do I fit in, becomes a common theme for the aCOD, in particularly if the parent has remarried and has a new family.

5.      Perfectionism can develop- The ACOD will strive to make sure that no more crisis in their lives or the lives of others will happen. The strive to prove their worth and value, and oftentimes become overachievers; in particular if they feel they are having to compete for the attention of their parents new spouse or children.

6.      Depression and anxiety- There has been a loss, and there will be times of profound sadness. Anxiety usually stems from the constant worry and stress that accompanies divorce.

If you are an ACOD, know that you are not alone in your feelings. My parents were married for over 35 years when they divorced, though they had marital problems; I never truly believe they would ever divorce. It was traumatic for me to lose the family that I had known all those years. It came at a most difficult time as well, after losing both of my grandparents; who I was very close to, my parents divorced. It was multiple losses for me. So be on guard if you are an ACOD, there may be other losses in your life that can increase your grieving process.

I am learning to adjust to my parent’s divorce, both are remarried with new families. I still don’t know where I fit in sometimes. I am trying to find a new normal. My parent’s divorce was one of the hardest things that I have gone through, and them getting remarried was just as hard. It has been 11 years since my parent’s divorced, and I am just at a place in my life that I can process it all. I always desired that my parents would get back together, but now they are both remarried; I have had to face those terms. But today, I choose to surrender my grief to Jesus Christ and allow Him to make all things right in my life. It is not what I wanted nor planned, but God does promise to work all things out for good for those that love Him and are called according to His purposes (Romans 8:28).

How Christians Can Overcome Shame

Dictionary.com defines shame as a painful emotion caused by a consciousness of guilt or shortcoming. Far too many Christians feel unworthy, dirty or not good enough. Shame can have roots all the way to someone’s childhood, especially if there were any forms of abuse, rejection, or abandonment. Some people carry shame all of their lives and do not even know it.

Shame however can come out in these ways:

1.      Withdrawing, hiding, and self-protecting.

2.      Low self-worth.

3.      An overall sense of just not feeling good enough or worthy enough.

4.      Reflecting and dwelling on past sins; end up feeling like a failure.

5.      Feel everyone else is somehow better than you.

Main causes of shame:

• Sin-Hidden and unconfessed sin of a believer in Christ. We must repent and confess of sin to be cleansed of shame. The shame of unconfessed sin causes us to hide, withdrawal, fear, and to have self-pity.
• Abuse- Past or present physical, sexual, or emotional abuse.
•  Poor self-image-This can be rooted in rejection, abandonment, and ridicule.
•  Seeing yourself as not forgiven and carrying the shame of your former sins.

The enemy loves to remind us of our past and past failures, but to reflect on these lies brings a wearing down of ourselves spiritually. If we begin to ponder these past sins and failures, we will see ourselves distorted. Anyone who thinks on their past sins too long, will eventually see themselves as worthless and unclean. If you have repented of your sins and turned from them, then this is the opposite of who you really are.

You must begin to believe the truth of who God says that you are, not the lies of the enemy. Stop thinking about your past failures and sins, that is not who you are anymore. That sin has been dealt with and washed in the Lamb’s blood of Jesus Christ. You are no longer that wretched sinner!

1 John 1:9, if we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from ALL unrighteousness.

Shame becomes a problem when it becomes a part of your identity!

Share your story with how you overcame shame. I believe it could be a blessing to someone!