Counselor's Corner: Learning to Say No Without Feeling Guilty

Just because something seems good to do, does not mean it is good for you to do. Saying, “no” to good things so you can be available for the great things in your life will make you a much happier person.

The problem that many people have is that they say yes to most everything that comes into their paths because of the terrible feeling of guilt that comes after saying no.

I have struggled for many years with not being able to say, “no” to what others wanted of me. Over the past few years I have gotten much better with being able to say, “no”, but there is still an underlying sense that…I should of, I could of or I ought to.

Reflect: Where does this feeling of guilt stem from and can it be possible to say no without with burden of guilt? Would you like to be able to say, “no” assertively and without the aftermath of guilt? I know I would like that.

►Let’s explore and uncover why one could have difficulty saying no, and what can be done to resolve the matter of guilt that accompanies saying, “no.”

Some Reasons There May be Guilt for Saying No:

1.      Don’t want to disappoint others.

2.      Care deeply what others think (people-pleasing).

3.      Fear others will get upset/angry and withdrawal from you.

4.      Feel selfish if you take time for yourself or want to do something you want to do.

5.      Give into pressure or manipulative tactics. (Most likely there was someone in your past who made you feel guilty if you told them no and you associate that particular incident(s) with saying no to other people.)

6.      Don’t feel you have rights, such as a right to your time, your interest and your priorities. (At some point you have been violated and have not reclaimed your rights or boundaries.)

7.      Poor or no time management. Lack structure or planning. If you don’t have a plan/schedule for your work, leisure time, family and other interests then you will be prey to saying yes to whatever comes in your path. Write out a weekly and monthly schedule and stick to it as much as possible.

*there will be exceptions that do come up in your schedule, so make allowances for them but do not make it a norm to be flighty with your time. Others will take advantage of your inability to plan.

8.         Have a false sense of responsibility or feel a sense of false obligation to others. You will know when you are to do something for or with someone, you will not feel rushed, pressured, hurried, or guilty.

9.         You feel like you would be rejecting the person. Take ownership of how they might react to you saying no.

How to Say, “No” Without Guilt:

1.      Know why you are saying, “no.” What are you eliminating so that you can make room for what you need or want. Remember just because it seems good does not mean it good for you. If you had a busy week and a friend or family member comes into town unexpectedly and wants to see you, but you really need some down time; that is your reason you are saying, “no”. Knowing why you need to say,” no”, removes the guilt. Know your limits, everyone has them. Not everybody can do what others do.

2.      Maintain your priorities, this is best accomplished by writing out your schedule including work, leisure, date time with spouse if married, church activities, time with family/friends, and most importantly your time with God. Trying to squeeze in activities for or with others is never a good idea. Your schedule should be balanced, of course with the few exceptions when things come up unexpectedly.

3.      If you feel pressure to respond to someone’s request, don’t give an immediate answer. Wait, step back and pray. Don’t always give an automatic response to a request, but instead say something like, “I’ll need to get back with you on that.”

4.      Practice persistence with people who will “bargain” you to say,” yes.” Some people will try and wear you down until you say,” yes”. Don’t get angry or upset, but calmly and assertively repeat yourself until the person understands. Do not negotiate with them. The less explanation you give, the better.

5.      Be assertive but kind. To turn down someone’s request you could simply say, “I’m sorry that does not work for me.” You do not owe anyone a detailed explanation. You could also say, “That time does not work for me, but I will let you know when a good time is for me.” The last statement puts you in a position of power. In other words, your letting others know your not going to do what they want unless it is a good fit for you.

6.      If you get asked on the spot for a request, have a go-to response. An example would be:” I’m sorry I have other commitments right now and I am unavailable.”

7.      Acknowledge that you can’t do everything. Saying, “yes” to everyone means something or someone is being neglecting, including yourself.

8.      Realize you can’t please everyone. If you did everything that others wanted of you, they may be happy but you will be miserable and exhausted.

9.      If you are concerned the person that you say,” no” to will withdraw from you or become upset, you can rest assured they are being manipulative. Maintain a healthy distance from manipulative people.

10.  Understand the tactics that people will use to get you to do what they want you to do. Some examples of the tactics are: flattery/compliments, guilt, and complaining/whining about a problem.

11.  Don’t over apologize. A simple, “I’m sorry,” should suffice Over apologetic people can be easily taken advantage of or duped.

►You have limited time, resources and energy, so you cannot afford to waste these on saying, “yes,” to everything. Know what your priorities are. If you don’t know, ask God.

►Saying, “no,” when you need to can help you manage your time, your interests and your priorities.

Let’s Discuss:

What about you, do you have trouble saying, “no,” without guilt? What is one thing you can do to alleviate the guilt that comes from saying, “no?”

Counselor's Corner: Freedom From Co-Dependency

With Christmas right around the corner, many will be around family that may trigger old patterns of co-dependent behavior. Know your triggers and how you can gain freedom from co-dependency.

►What is Co-Dependency?

Co-Dependency is a bondage to please other people.

Co-Dependents allow another person’s behavior to affect them, and other people’s problems to become their problems. They look for ways to try and fix and solve other people’s problems. Co-dependents are by nature a helper and a “fixer.” They pick up the pieces in other people’s lives, and don’t allow them to suffer natural consequences of their decisions. Co-Dependents are plagued by false guilt and a false sense of responsibility for people. They get so enmeshed in other people’s problems that it exhausts them, and they often feel their “cup is empty.” They often feel used by others, and that their needs really don’t matter. Often the Co-Dependent feels alone and overwhelmed. Co-Dependents feel the “weight of the world” on their shoulders.

►Who is Likely to be Co-Dependent?

·        Family of origin (the family that you were born into) that placed you in the role as the “fixer” in the family. A fixer is responsible for solving family problems and issues. The fixer has the answers and the solution.

·        Being in a relationship or have a family member that has an addiction issue.

·        Having a rebellious child, a prodigal child, or mentally-ill child or family member.

·        Irresponsible family members who inadvertently make their problems your problems.

·        Inability to say, “No” to others and difficulty setting boundaries with others.

·        Being a people pleaser and having a fear of displeasing man. Fear of letting others down and others being angry at you.

·        History of childhood trauma-abuse, domestic violence in the home, divorce, ill parent (either physical or mental).

·        Being involved in a relationship with an abusive partner as an adult.

Co-dependents try to fix, rescue, and help, but no matter how much they try they always end-up feeling like a failure.

Co-dependents never feel they can do enough. Co-dependents can easily analyze other people’s problems, and give them a solution to their problems. Co-dependents feel responsible for making other people happy.

Saying, “No” to a person’s need is almost impossible for the co-dependent, and especially if the co-dependent is a Christian.

Co-dependent Christians fear they can’t measure up to the Christian responsibilities, and struggle with guilt when they don’t help others.

Co-dependents are often compassionate and tender-hearted people that carry the burdens of others. Instead of empathizing with you, the co-dependent will sympathize with you. They have a difficult time not taking on the hurt and pain of others. They often “feel” the pain of others. If you tell a co-dependent a problem they instinctively begin looking for how to solve your problem. They are by-nature problem-solvers, and many have been solving problems in their family since childhood. Co-dependents can be easily controlled by others and easily manipulated because of their tender nature and desire to help. Some people know this and will attempt to take advantage of the co-dependent’s good-nature.

Codependents do what they do to gain a sense of self-worth and to gain love and acceptance that many have been looking for since childhood. They are trying to fill a void and deep pain in their lives by helping others, than they can feel useful and important. If a co-dependent helps someone they feel elated, and if they fail to help someone, they will feel like a failure.

 

►Key Factors in Gaining Freedom From Co-Dependency:

Get a journal and begin to pray through each one of these questions. Take your time, and allow the Holy Spirit to reveal the cause of your Codependency and specific steps for your healing.

1.      What is the root/origin of your co-dependency? If you don’t know ask the Holy Spirit to show you. What was your “role” in your family of origin? Fixer, etc. Did you experience role-reversal as a child? In other words did you play the role of parent and your parent (s) played the role of the child?

2.      What are your motives for co-dependency? Fear of rejection, fear of failure, avoidance of pain, gain approval by others, feel a sense of worth.

3.      Who fuels your co-dependency? Why? How do these people make you feel when you don’t do what they want? Do they withdraw from you, manipulate you, and reject you.

4.      Do you have an exaggerated perception of life? Things and people are all good or all bad. You tend to see people and situations in black and white?

5.      Do you feel valuable and worthy when you help or rescue someone? Do you feel guilty when you can’t help someone?

6.      Do you feel guilty when you say, “No” to others or when you take care of yourself?

7.      Are your emotions dependent on the responses of others? Ex., if she is sad, I must have done something to hurt her, it is my fault she is sad.

8.      Do you feel responsible for making other’s happy, not just in your family?

9.      Have you taken the place of God in other people’s lives? If someone has a need, your response is, “I’ll meet it.” Do you prevent others from developing responsibility in their own lives? Co-dependents should let other’s do things for themselves, but often they step in.

10.  Do you put on a façade for other people to cover your pain? Do you have a hard time admitting your problems? Don’t feel like bothering anyone else with your needs?

11.  As a Christian, do you feel you can’t measure up to the high expectations of the Christian life?

12.  Do you feel you can gain worth by serving God? Do you plunge into activities and service to gain approval and to feel worthy?

►How to Start Healing From Co-Dependency:

1.      Recognize you didn’t get here overnight, and it will be a process of recovery. You may have set-backs, especially if you are around others that trigger these behaviors.

2.      Find healthy Christians to be around, just don’t surround yourself with users, drainers, toxic, needy people, or other co-dependent people.  

3.      Detach from relationships as needed. Detach and pray, then when you are strong enough and God has allowed you to enter in the relationship again, than do so. This applies to family relationships, but friendships may be detached longer or permanently through the leading of Holy Spirit. Detachment always has the hope of reconciliation with that person, but if you feel you are relapsing into co-dependency and you reservoirs are on empty, it is okay to detach from a relationship for a time.

4.      When needs and problems come your way, don’t react and come up with a solution immediately. You can say to that person, “I need time to pray about that” or “I need God to direct me first before I make a decision.” Then go and pray before offering solutions, advice, help, or rescuing. Oftentimes, God does not want us to intervene because He is trying to work something out in their lives.

5.      Don’t assume that God wants you to rescue, help, and fix every problem that comes into your path, this can be especially difficult for the Christian. We are taught about servant hood and self-sacrifice and to put other’s needs ahead of our own. But God does not expect us to give on “empty,” and Jesus did not heal every sick person nor help every single person that came into His contact. We have to have discernment to know when God says, “Step in,” and when He is leading us from not intervening.

6.      Don’t anticipate the needs of others. Listen to them and let them ask for help, but don’t offer up help that they are not asking for. A lot of the time people will tell you their woes hoping you will help, but it is better if they ask directly for the needs that they have. Even if they do ask for help, you can still say that you need to pray first and get back to them.

7.      Do not rescue compulsively. You will have to be on guard for this because you will be presented needs and you will want to rescue.

8.      Set limits in your life. Recognize and be aware what people in your life get you entangled in the trap of co-dependency.

9.      Start taking care of yourself. Do things that you enjoy. Keep your eyes focused on Jesus and not on other people’s issues. This can be a challenge for the co-dependent if you have been surrounded by needs, so this is where detachment for a time is important.

Counselor's Corner: Feeling Overwhelmed?

What are you chasing after more? Time with God, money, people, or possessions? When you begin to experience stress, fatigue, and a feeling of being burdened, it’s time to pull back and reevaluate why.

Oftentimes, we take on too much that God has not called us to, and we take on the responsibilities of others; this is called a false sense of responsibility. When we are living in God’s Divine plan, there is peace and order. When we don’t place God first, our lives become unmanageable. We have a sense that we cannot handle all of life’s problems. Let’s face it, life is tough and without spending time with God to hear His voice and direction; we will get burdened.

The enemy has a plan to create as much havoc and chaos is our lives, and keep us distracted.

Just because something seems good, does not mean it is good for us. We are not to copy what others are doing either. So many times, people get frustrated and overwhelmed because they are trying to mimic what someone else is doing.

You are not meant to do everything and be everything to everybody, this can lead to people-pleasing. If you please man more and not God, you are going to be weighed down.

God has specific tasks for each one of us, but you will not know what those are unless you spend time with God. Our busyness, is not Godly or Holy, but a tactic of the enemy to wear us out.

Don’t try and follow what the crowd does, but know what your unique plan is from God.

Other people will not like it when you tell them, “No,” be prepared for this. You must know what YOU are supposed to do. Stop looking around at everyone else for direction. God has not called you to be a copycat. You will find that others will want you to do what they are doing, but you must step away from the desire to please man.

To get your life back in order and free from the pressures and demands of people and life, pull away and be with God alone, especially when you are exhausted. Being tired and overworked is not God’s plan for you. It does not matter what other’s expect from you, but what God desires for you.

Come to me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. Matthew 11:28-30

Some questions to reflect on:

1.      What do you need to cut back on or cut out of your life to be free from over-responsibility?

2.      What do you crave and desire most from your life? Are you pursuing God first?

3.      Are you a people-pleaser? How do you know? What can you do differently?

4.      Do you feel overwhelmed, burdened? If yes, why? Do you believe this is God’s plan for you?

Word of Encouragement: Counselor’s Corner: Is Your Life Out of Balance?

What are you chasing after more? Time with God, money, people, or possessions? When you begin to experience stress, fatigue, and a feeling of being burdened, it’s time to pull back and reevaluate why.

Oftentimes, we take on too much that God has not called us to, and we take on the responsibilities of others; this is called a false sense of responsibility. When we are living in God’s Divine plan, there is peace and order. When we don’t place God first, our lives become unmanageable. We have a sense that we cannot handle all of life’s problems. Let’s face it, life is tough and without spending time with God to hear His voice and direction; we will get burdened.

The enemy has a plan to create as much havoc and chaos is our lives, and keep us distracted.

Just because something seems good, does not mean it is good for us. We are not to copy what others are doing either. So many times, people get frustrated and overwhelmed because they are trying to mimic what someone else is doing.

You are not meant to do everything and be everything to everybody, this can lead to people-pleasing. If you please man more and not God, you are going to be weighed down.

God has specific tasks for each one of us, but you will not know what those are unless you spend time with God. Our busyness, is not Godly or Holy, but a tactic of the enemy to wear us out. Don’t try and follow what the crowd does, but know what your unique plan is from God.

Other people will not like it when you tell them, “No,” be prepared for this. You must know what YOU are supposed to do. Stop looking around at everyone else for direction. God has not called you to be a copycat. You will find that others will want you to do what they are doing, but you must step away from the desire to please man.

To get your life back in order and free from the pressures and demands of people and life, pull away and be with God alone, especially when you are exhausted. Being tired and overworked is not God’s plan for you. It does not matter what other’s expect from you, but what God desires for you.

Come to me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. Matthew 11:28-30

Some questions to reflect on:

1.      What do you need to cut back on or cut out of your life to be free from over-responsibility?

2.      What do you crave and desire most from your life? Are you pursuing God first?

3.      Are you a people-pleaser? How do you know? What can you do differently?

4.       Do you feel overwhelmed, burdened? If yes, why? Do you believe this is God’s plan for you?

Counselor’s Corner: Freedom from Insecurity and People-Pleasing

Be a God pleaser, not a man pleaser.

Reflect and ponder: Are you more concerned with pleasing man than God? Do you seek the approval of others? At the core of people pleasing is insecurity. We can be insecure for a number of reasons. Insecurity can have roots stemming back from our childhood.

Counselor’s corner: How do you know you are dealing with insecurity?

Here are some key signs insecurity may be a part of your life:

1.      You question everything you do. You are uncomfortable with decisions you make.

You look to others to decide what’s best for you.

2.      You lack confidence in speaking and having conversations with others, and social settings make you feel uneasy.

3.      You look to others to approve you and to validate you.

4.      You always believe you’re at fault and take the blame when things go wrong.

5.      You don’t know who you are in Christ. Your identity is based not on what God says about you, but on what others say about you.

6.      You believe what others say about you, whether good or bad.

7.      You are overly sensitive to needing others to approve of you and sensitive to criticism, even constructive criticism.

8.      You live in constant fear and you lack trust for others and even God.

All these insecurities can lead to people pleasing and eventually lead to approval addiction. It is important that you know who you are in Christ, and that you allow the Holy Spirit to uncover your roots of insecurity so that you can be healed and function the way God intended. If you do not believe what God says about you, you will believe what others say about you. This is especially true of people that have been verbally/emotionally abused and verbally bullied by peers. Young people today are being “cyber bullied” and many young people succumb to these taunts and torments. These bullies are acting as agents and mouthpieces of the kingdom of darkness. God would never ridicule, torment or verbally abuse us.

People approval will lead you to do things that are not led by the Holy Spirit. 

So many people succumb to peer pressure, and not just young people. I have seen grown people succumb to the pressure of people in the church. If you are not lead by the Holy Spirit you will end up exhausted, frustrated, stressed and burnt-out. People will always want you to fulfill their agenda, but what is most important is what God wants you to do. You may have to say “No” to people and set boundaries. It is okay to say “No.” You have choices and you don’t have to lead by the feelings and desires of man, but instead God gives us wisdom and discernment to know what we should be involved in.

You are not called to be everywhere, do everything, and fulfill the wants of others. Ask yourself if you have peace. If peace is not involved, chances are God is not a part of it.

It is hard not to desire to be liked and approved of others, especially the ones we love and are closest to. We don’t want them to think bad of us or be angry at us. It does not matter what others say or think of you. Others are going to have their opinion about you, and a lot of times there is not a whole lot you can do about it, but you can pray that God softens their hearts towards you.

If you continue to be judged, misunderstood, or just treated unfair because you’re setting boundaries and learning to say “No”, than it is a matter between them and God.

Key Characteristics of a People-Pleaser:

1.      More concerned about pleasing others than God or yourself.

2.      Not lead by peace but by emotions/feelings.

3.      Let others control and manipulate you.

4.      Easily influenced by what others want.

5.      Can’t say “No” to others demands or desires.

6.      Lack boundaries with others. Hard time separating self from others.

7.      Feel guilty if you ever do say “No.”

8.      Have issues with rejection, insecurity and fear.

9.      Don’t want anyone to be mad at you or disappointed in you, and you will go to great lengths to insure others are pleased with you.

10.  You are not free, and you are bound by others expectations of you.

11.  You are devastated if someone disapproves of something you have done or not done.

12.  The needs and well-being of others takes precedence over your needs and well-being.

Freedom from insecurity and people-pleasing comes from knowing and believing what Christ says about you, and allowing God to heal the roots of your insecurity. People do what they do for a reason. It is not enough to have head knowledge about what Christ says about you. You must believe what Christ says about you.

MEDITATE ON THESE SCRIPTURES:

Yet at the same time many even among the leaders believed in Him. But because of the Pharisees they would not confess their faith for fear they would be put out of the synagogue; for they loved the praise from men more than praise from God. John 12: 42-43

Fearing God is a dangerous trap, but trusting the Lord means safety. Proverbs 29:25

Daily Encouragement: Counselor’s Corner by Stephanie R. Reck, LMSW, LBT, BCCC January 26, 2017

It Is Okay to Say, “No”!

I had decided this week that I need to buckle down and focus on my writing again after taking time off during the holidays, going through a lengthy illness and a death in the family. I was determined to keep on track, no matter what! I had already made my schedule out for the week, and on Thursday afternoon my mother called and wanted to go to lunch on Friday. I considered strongly forgoing my schedule and going to lunch with her. Yes, I know it is just lunch but my mother lives an hour away from me, so I could not have her come all the way over my way and only meet for an hour. I wrestled back and forth with should I go or not. I know I already committed to staying on task this week, but my mother asked me to lunch. Before I called her, I looked at my schedule and I prayed. I asked God to give me wisdom in what I should do, and I felt very strong that I was to keep my already commitments for the week and tell her, “I would not be able to meet her for lunch.” I began to feel guilty about telling her no. Where was this guilt coming from? It is just lunch for heaven’s sake!

Reflect and ponder: Are you a people-pleaser? Do you have trouble saying no to others? Are you able to let down others gently without the guilt?

Counselor’s Corner:

Get to the “roots” of why you have difficulty saying no.

1.      No one likes to disappoint others. Fact: If you are pleasing God, rather than man-you will inevitably disappoint people. It is important to seek God in what you should or should not do. Here is a clue if you are supposed to do something or not: Do you have peace?

2.      We care what others think of us. We don’t want anyone to think bad thoughts of us. We would all to like and approve of us.

3.      We feel guilty that we did not do what someone wanted us to do, especially if we have the time and the money to do it. Sometimes something can seem right for us to do, but God has put the “brakes” on it. God operates in peace, flow, and an order. If you feel stressed, confused, or anxious about a situation; chances are God is not wanting you a part of whatever it is.

4.      We are people-pleasers. We do whatever anyone wants or asks of us. Even if we don’t have the time or the energy, we still do what is asked of us. We don’t want others to reject us, so believe if we please them, then we won’t get rejected.

5.      We don’t like asking others if we could reschedule for another time because we believe they will think they are not important enough to meet when they can.

Saying no is not always comfortable, but to set limits on your time and to obey what God is telling you to do-you will need to get comfortable saying no. It is okay to say NO! Know your limits, and value your time. If a relationship is hindered after you declined their request, it was not a true relationship (true relationships are supportive and respectful).

If you are involved in ministry on any level, you can’t say no, right? Wrong, you can and should seek the wisdom of the Holy Spirit to determine what we should be involved in. I have personally seen too many situations where well-meaning church folk get involved in every serving opportunity, and eventually those people burned-out or stumbled in their walk with God. If you are too busy to spend time with God-you’re too busy! The first ministry we are to serve if we are married is to our spouses, that’s right if you are married and spending more time serving others; it is out of order.

MEDITATE ON THESE SCRIPTURES:

Does this sound as if I am trying to win human approval? No indeed! What I want is God’s approval! Am I trying to be popular with people? If I were still trying to do so, I would not be a servant of Christ. Galatians 1:10

Fearing people is a dangerous trap, but trusting the Lord means safety. Proverbs 29:25.

I’m No Longer a People-Pleaser!

Most people have an insecurity about saying, “No” to people and their requests. We do not want to let people down, or we do not want people think badly of us; which is another way to say we are people pleasers. Sometimes, we can, “Yes” to things that are not spirit-led.

As Christians, we often think a good request or act of service should be performed by us. 85% of what we do can be done by somebody else that means we often take more of a load than we should. That does not mean we do nothing, but often we “follow the crowd,” and are swayed by what others want from us. We look to other people to see what we should be doing. How about instead of following the crowd and being swayed by other people that you follow the guidance of the Holy Spirit and do and go where He wants. You will be surprised what God will take off your plate to lighten your load. But too often, we never ask God what He wants us to do, we instead listen to what others want from us or follow what others are doing.

When you follow Christ, your activities and schedules may not look like everyone else’s.

 You have to get comfortable that you may be different because you are not following what people want. So many times, people are involved in numerous activities, committees, and services because they have a need to be validated, get recognition, and prove their worth. In a lot of cases, these people end-up too busy to spend needed time being refreshed and renewed in the Father’s presence, and their cups run empty and they are doing from an “empty cup.” It is wise that we do not let our cups run empty going and doing “good works” that we forget our relationship with Jesus, our families, and taking care of ourselves. Yes, it may seem selfish to prioritize this way when others are in need and we have the answers and the time to help, but everything should be in balance. If your priorities are out of balance, you will be out of balance.

It is never wise to serve and extend yourself if you are empty and depleted.

Learning to tell others “No” is a step to finding your worth in Christ alone, and not based on what others think of you. Be aware that other people may not like you saying “No,” some may get offended, but your true friends and family will understand without pressure, guilt, coercion, or manipulation. We should all give each other the freedom to make choices that are best for us.

Everyone has boundaries but not everyone implements them. Some people have a need to always be doing and going, and expect everyone else to do the same. However, we are not built like one another, and some cannot go at the pace and speed of others. In our Western culture we have more heart disease and stress as a country as a whole compared to others, because we are always striving to keep up, get more, and we do not know how to rest and be still.

Resting brings peace and with rest and stillness it opens you more to hearing the voice of God.

So many people say they cannot hear God, and it is because they cannot get still enough. Most of the time their cell phones, iPads, or other electronic device keeps them distracted. Let’s not follow everyone else and what they are doing, but let us take time to step away from the crowds and distractions to hear the voice of the Lord.

Reflection Questions:

1.      Do you say, “Yes” to other’s request for fear of letting them down? Fear of losing their approval? Or fear they will be upset with you?

2.      Are you a God-pleaser or a people-pleaser? Do you pray before giving someone an answer to their request? (It is okay to say, “I need to pray about that; let me get back to you.”)

3.      Do you follow what everybody else is doing or do you follow the leading of the Holy Spirit? (An example would be, everyone at your church just signed up for a class, you don’t pray about whether God wants you there, you sign up because you feel like you should do what everyone else is doing).

4.      Do you lack boundaries? Do you have insecurity/lack of confidence? (These questions will give you insight why you may have difficulty saying “No.”). Ask the Holy Spirit to show you why you may have difficulty saying “No.”

Let’s look at some truths:

1.      You cannot do and be what everybody else wants. Your confidence comes from Christ, not what you do or who you can please. Always pray and seek God before committing yourself to something, even if it seems good. You do not have to give somebody an answer immediately, they can wait!

2.      It is okay to say “No, “and not feel bad. We are all created differently and have different needs. Some good responses are: “ Now is not a good time, I need to pray about that and get back with you, I need to pray first, No, thank you, or maybe another time.” In doing this, you are setting boundaries with others. If you do not set boundaries with others, you could end up exhausted, overwhelmed, and taken advantage of.

3.      It is okay to not sign-up, join, or attend every activity at church, with friends, or with family. The key is not copy what others are doing, and be God-led.

4.      It is also okay to say “No” to company and surprise visits by others. It is okay to say “No” to company that wants to drop in unexpectedly or without much notice. Do not feel bad if you need to say “No.” You may need rest, time alone with God and your family, or you may need extra time to prepare, and all is okay. Do not compare yourself to someone who could at the “drop of a hat” be ready for unexpected company. If God gives you the grace, strength and peace for company then you know and you will have it, if not it is not going to be fun for you or them.

If you feel pressure, guilt, condemnation, or manipulation from others to conform to what they want from you, then it is time to set some clear boundaries, and possibly some consequences if that type of behavior continues. A consequence could be separating yourself for a time or not engaging frequently with ones who would invade your boundaries.

People who lack boundaries do not care if they take your time and energy, so you must protect your boundaries and be able to tell others “No,” and be okay with that.