Relationships
can be complicated, especially when there have been times of hurt and pain. How
do you know when it may be time to reengage in a relationship that has caused
you pain? In this article I will explore when you will know when it’s time to
let someone back into your life, and how to do this.
I have several relationships in my family that have
caused me a lot of pain, stress and heartache over the years. I have struggled
deeply with what the right thing to do in these relationships, reengage, keep a
healthy distance, or remove them from my life. I go back and forth many days
with what I believe I should do. First let me say that the relationships in my
life that have caused me deep pain has been ongoing for many years, and I have
suffered physically, spiritually and emotionally because of the damage these
relationships have been to me. It is much easier to distance yourself from a
friend that has caused you pain, but a family member is much more complicated. There
are at times I just want to “keep the peace,” and forget what they did, but I
can’t!
Ways to release the pain that others have
inflicted upon you:
1. Work
out your forgiveness with those that hurt you. Tell God how you feel and repent
for holding onto any unforgiveness, anger, or bitterness towards them. Forgiving
someone that hurt you can be a process and it is something that you may have to
do daily and when “triggers” occur, such as when they do a similar thing to
hurt you again. Forgiveness is never a one-time deal, but a choice every time
that person that has hurt you does something again to upset you or a painful
memory comes up.
2. Never
let anyone pressure you back into a relationship. Forgiveness and reconciliation
are two different things. Forgiveness does not mean letting the offense reoccur
again and again, you do not have to tolerate a lack of respect or abuse.
3. Choose
to speak blessings over the person or people that hurt you instead of all the negative
they did to you.
4. Don’t
keep replaying in your mind what they did, give them grace and say, “Father,
forgive them for they know not what they do.” Every time what they have done to
you is played in your head, choose to say, “I forgive you.”
5. Take
control of your thoughts, behavior and actions. Don’t let anyone control your
joy, peace and happiness.
6. You
can’t make people change, but you can change how you respond to them. You can
choose if a relationship is healthy for you. It’s okay to create space between
you and the person that hurt you to heal. Healing will be much more difficult
if you are continually engaging with people who are doing the same things that
hurt you before.
How To know when you should reengage with
someone who has hurt you:
1. Accept
the person where they are at, but don’t allow yourself to be put in a position to
be hurt again. Set boundaries upfront. Boundaries may look like limiting the
time you spend with them.
2. You
have to decide if reengaging would be beneficial to you both, or would it be a
one-sided relationship?
3. Have
they changed? Is there tangible proof, not their words but actions that they
are different? Do they continue to dismiss or downplay their hurtful behavior?
4. Keep
your heart guarded until you know there is a true repentance and a turning away
form their hurtful actions and behaviors. Keeping your heart guarded means not
allowing them into your most intimate, personal parts of your life.
5. Are
you able to be around that person without feeling stressed, anxious, or angry? If
not, you need time to heal.
6. Be
willing to admit ways that you may have contributed to the problem.
7. Be
realistic about the process. Change often requires time and hard work. Periodic
failure by the offender does not always indicate an unrepented heart.
The reconciliation process of healing from damaged relationships
can be circumvented by well-meaning “forget and move on” people, the hurt person
can become resentful over time, and the relationship is not healed; it is more
deeply damaged. Never just “patch’
things up and pretend nothing happened in those relationships that have hurt
you in some way, both parties involved should be willing to work though their
hurt and the relationship should never
be forced. If you have deep pain from these relationships you will need time
and space to heal. Creating healthy distance can help you love the person that
has hurt you instead of becoming resentful against them for not changing into
the person that you needed them to be.
You can forgive people who have hurt you deeply but
sometimes it is always possible to reconcile with abusive, hurtful or unrepentive
people. God does desire full forgiveness and reconciliation. If there is a
middle ground that both parties can offer full forgiveness and do their best to
reconcile, that would be better than both parties being bitter and resentful of
each other.
Words alone are not enough to restore trust. When you
have been significantly hurt and feel hesitant about restoration, it is wise to
look for changes in the offender before allowing reconciliation again. Only God
knows people’s hearts, but you can evaluate people’s actions.
