Counselor's Corner: Freedom from Entanglements with Others

We are called to be Holy and to live righteously before God. We are also called to be a light in this dark world, but what happens when you become entangled in helping others?

Merriam-Webster defines entanglement as something that entangles, confuses, or ensnares. The condition of being deeply involved. Synonyms for entanglement are web, mesh, net, noose, quicksand, snare, toil, and trap.

Free Dictionary defines entanglement as twisting together or entwine into a confusing mass. To complicate or confuse.

Have you ever tried to help someone repeatedly and felt you were getting entangled in their problems?

The more you try and help the more you feel like you are getting into quicksand and you feel there is no answer to their situations, which in turn causes you frustration. You start second guessing if you are a “real Christian.” You feel a sense of false guilt over not being able to cope and handle all the problems that others bring to you. Many times the very people you are entangled with are piling heaps of guilt and manipulation upon you. This is especially difficult when dealing with loved ones and family. There is a deeper entanglement that comes from the ones we love. We don’t want them to suffer and to hurt, but what happens when all the helping is not helping but hurting you?

 

Getting entangled in other's problem
 can feel like being trapped in a spider web. 

The enemy will bring situations and people into you path to distract and derail your purposes. There are some signs to watch for when you have gone too deep with someone.

1.      Did you feel prompted by the Holy Spirit to intervene or was it pressure from the other person or a desire to please?

2.      Are you struggling with your walk with God? Feeling spiritually bankrupt? Your time with God is lacking and you are having trouble focusing on hearing God’s voice.

3.      You may feel discouraged, defeated, and like a failure.

4.      You feel stress, turmoil, tension, strife, chaos, and confusion.

5.      You can’t seem to get a clear or direct answer from the person you are trying to help. It seems when you talk with the person you are trying to help it appears muddy or confusing.

6.      You may experience fatigue and even sickness.

7.      The person you are trying to help does not listen to the advice you are trying to give to them, and they continue to do what they are doing; meanwhile still wanting you to fix their problems.

8.      You begin to feel frustrated, irritable, and maybe even angry.

9.      You are consumed with trying to intervene, and maybe even losing sleep as a result. Your focus is on their situation, and not on Christ.

10.  Your peace is gone and joy has dissipated.

11.  No amount of intervention or help is never enough for the person or people you are entangled with.

12.  You feel emotionally, physically and spiritually drained.

13.  You feel distracted and out of balance.

14.   You feel like you are on an emotional roller coaster ride with their issues.

You may be dealing with a toxic person. To get entangled in a toxic person’s issues is dangerous to your mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being. Not all people who say they want help, in fact really want help.

If the Holy Spirit is leading you, there will be harmony, peace, and a desire to be around the other person you are trying to help. If you begin to dread being around that person or talking to them, it is a sign that it is not a healthy relationship and the Holy Spirit is not directing you.

Restoration and reconciliation are always hoped for in these types of relationships, but until then some precautions need to be made for your sanity.

1.      Take a time-out from these destructive relationships. Regain your peace and order. Ask the Lord Jesus to step-in and take full control, and you step out before you go under with them.

2.      Confront in love. The person that repeatedly causes drama and chaos in your life should be confronted as the Holy Spirit directs. Don’t do this in anger, but with the hope of true repentance.

3.      Set proper boundaries and consequences. This is important in dealing with ones who say they are sorry but continue to repeat the same behaviors over and over again. You will need to keep a guard up, and observe their behavior for a time (a solid year of consistent behavior is a good indication of true change), before realigning your life to theirs.

4.      Keep in mind that Jesus is not expecting to wear yourself out to help others who are not really helping themselves.

5.      Begin taking care of you and foster the good and positive relationships in your life. Stay away from toxic and negative people as much as possible. Nurture yourself and love yourself.

6.      Many times when we are engaged with other toxic people we neglect our other relationships that are satisfying. Take time to rebuild and restore satisfying relationships.

7.      Forgive yourself and let go of all guilt. Guilt is a tool straight from the pit of hell. It NEVER comes from God.

Remain in love and forgiveness towards ones who abuse and hurt you. Don’t allow any bitterness or anger to cause you to stumble.

Sometimes we have to “let go and let God,” and that can include letting go of people who really don’t want help.

Counselor's Corner: How to Deal With Toxic Family

Families are supposed to be a place of support, love, and acceptance. Sometimes, however, family relationships can be the place where we experience the deepest hurt.

As a Christian, you want to do the right thing and respond Biblically to your toxic family but it seems no matter have much you give or turn the other check, the situation does not change.

Sometimes we can spend years sacrificing our mental and spiritual health in harmful relationships under the notion that we have to because they are family.

It is common for people with toxic behavior to create drama or be surrounded by it; try and manipulate others or control others; be needy; and use others to meet their needs.

Traits of a toxic person:

1.      Are abusive mentally, physically, sexually, or emotionally. When a relationship is based on manipulation, overt or covert; abuse is happening!

2.      The only contact you have with them is negative, or you get anxious of the thought of an encounter with them.

3.      The relationship creates so much stress that it affects your work, home, and personal life.

4.      The relationship is one-sided, usually it is all about them and their needs.  

5.      When you do not give into their demands, silent treatment can happen and blaming.

6.      You feel worse after talking with them or being around them. They bring your energy level down.

7.      Create drama and chaos, and you get emotionally pulled-in to the whirlwind of emotions.

8.      You find yourself in a cycle of trying to fix, enable, and rescue them, and you end up frustrated because none has worked.

9.      Do not take responsibility for their actions, and blame others. Very needy and what you do give them is never enough. They expect you to bail them out of their troubles.

10.  If you do say, “No,” to their needs they will indirectly or directly make you feel guilty.

11.  After being in their company for just a short while you end-up feeling bad about yourself because you are not helping them in some way.

12.  You feel angry around them and even sometimes when you just think about them. You get angry at their constant blame game and victim mentality.

13.  You do not enjoy being around them and you feel tense if you see they have called or sent you a text.

14.  They are selfish and think only of their needs. They don’t anticipate the feelings or needs of another.

15.  Always the victim and their problems are always someone else’s fault.

16.  Create strife and division.

17.  Unforgiving and angry, sometimes even hostile.

18.  There is turmoil and confusion around them.

19.  Use others for their needs and benefits, regardless of the impact on others.

20.  Lie easily and it is difficult to know when they are telling the truth.

21.  Financially irresponsible, and expect you to bail them out of their poor choices.

If you have been involved with a toxic family member for years, letting go of them is not as easy as letting go of a friend or boyfriend/girlfriend. But letting go is what may need to happen so you can gain your sanity back, and allow God to intervene. Try first to set healthy boundaries with your family, and if they break the boundary you implemented; set a consequence. If the boundaries you set for them are repeatedly being broken, or you are not seeing any real change; it may be time to step aside. Letting go may be for a season and not permanent.

If a family member is in a constant state of need, then they are toxic to your health. Taking care of them, fixing their problems, and treating them like a child, are all signs that they are contributing to your health in a negative way.

Know your limitations and realize we are not superhuman. Realize that a toxic person can drain your energy, health, wellbeing, and sanity. Detaching is not only healthy but may be exactly what you need to restore you. Because of our Christian teaching on humility, kindness, and self-sacrifice, we sometimes get the impression that to set boundaries and consequences is wrong. We believe that we must endure and take whatever someone dishes out on us. When we give someone permission to repeatedly sin against us without consequences, we enable them to sin. Sometimes the best thing we can do with someone who openly continues to sin is to part company with them. This process can help us to forgive them and pray for them regularly. A lot of the times if we stay engaged in a relationship that is toxic we can end up bitter, angry, and resentful. We are to keep peace, and one of the best ways to keep peace may be to detach in love.

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Ephesians 6:12

What suggestions do you have to deal with a toxic family member?

Word of Encouragement: Counselor’s Corner: Be Free From Entanglements with Others!

We are called to be Holy and to live righteously before God. We are also called to be a light in this dark world, but what happens when you become entangled in helping others?

Merriam-Webster defines entanglement as something that entangles, confuses, or ensnares. The condition of being deeply involved. Synonyms for entanglement are web, mesh, net, noose, quicksand, snare, toil, and trap.

Free Dictionary defines entanglement as twisting together or entwine into a confusing mass. To complicate or confuse.

Have you ever tried to help someone repeatedly and felt you were getting entangled in their problems?

The more you try and help the more you feel like you are getting into quicksand and you feel there is no answer to their situations, which in turn causes you frustration. You start second guessing if you are a “real Christian.” You feel a sense of false guilt over not being able to cope and handle all the problems that others bring to you. Many times the very people you are entangled with are piling heaps of guilt and manipulation upon you. This is especially difficult when dealing with loved ones and family. There is a deeper entanglement that comes from the ones we love. We don’t want them to suffer and to hurt, but what happens when all the helping is not helping but hurting you?

The enemy will bring situations and people into you path to distract and derail your purposes. There are some signs to watch for when you have gone too deep with someone.

1.      Did you feel prompted by the Holy Spirit to intervene or was it pressure from the other person or a desire to please?

2.      Are you struggling with your walk with God? Feeling spiritually bankrupt? Your time with God is lacking and you are having trouble focusing on hearing God’s voice.

3.      You may feel discouraged, defeated, and like a failure.

4.      You feel stress, turmoil, tension, strife, chaos, and confusion.

5.      You can’t seem to get a clear or direct answer from the person you are trying to help. It seems when you talk with the person you are trying to help it appears muddy or confusing.

6.      You may experience fatigue and even sickness.

7.      The person you are trying to help does not listen to the advice you are trying to give to them, and they continue to do what they are doing; meanwhile still wanting you to fix their problems.

8.      You begin to feel frustrated, irritable, and maybe even angry.

9.      You are consumed with trying to intervene, and maybe even losing sleep as a result. Your focus is on their situation, and not on Christ.

10.  Your peace is gone and joy has dissipated.

11.  No amount of intervention or help is never enough for the person or people you are entangled with.

12.  You feel emotionally, physically and spiritually drained.

13.  You feel distracted and out of balance.

14.   You feel like you are on an emotional roller coaster ride with their issues.

15.  You try and point them to Jesus but discern they are not sincere in seeking Him.

You may be dealing with a toxic person. To get entangled in a toxic person’s issues is dangerous to your mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being. Not all people who say they want help, in fact really want help.

If the Holy Spirit is leading you, there will be harmony, peace, and a desire to be around the other person you are trying to help. If you begin to dread being around that person or talking to them, it is a sign that it is not a healthy relationship and the Holy Spirit is not directing you.

Restoration and reconciliation are always hoped for in these types of relationships, but until Christ is at the center some precautions need to be made for your sanity.

1.      Take a time-out from these destructive relationships. Regain your peace and order. Ask the Lord Jesus to step-in and take full control, and you step out before you go under with them.

2.      Confront in love. The person that repeatedly causes drama and chaos in your life should be confronted as the Holy Spirit directs. Don’t do this in anger, but with the hope of true repentance.

3.      Set proper boundaries and consequences. This is important in dealing with ones who say they are sorry but continue to repeat the same behaviors over and over again. You will need to keep a guard up, and observe their behavior for a time (a solid year of consistent behavior is a good indication of true change), before realigning your life to theirs.

4.      Keep in mind that Jesus is not expecting to wear yourself out to help others who are not really helping themselves.

5.      Begin taking care of you and foster the good and positive relationships in your life. Stay away from toxic and negative people as much as possible. Nurture yourself and love yourself.

6.      Many times when we are engaged with other toxic people we neglect our other relationships that are satisfying. Take time to rebuild and restore satisfying relationships.

7.      Forgive yourself and let go of all guilt. Guilt is a tool straight from the pit of hell. It NEVER comes from God.

Remain in love and forgiveness towards ones who abuse and hurt you. Don’t allow any bitterness or anger to cause you to stumble.

Sometimes we have to “let go and let God,” and that can include letting go of people who really don’t want help.

Stand fast in the liberty wherewith Christ hath made us free, and not to be entangled again with the yoke of bondage. Galatians 5:1, KJV

Soldiers don’t get tied up in the affairs of civilian life, for then they cannot please the officer who enlisted them. 2 Timothy 2:4, NLT

Christians That Get Entangled

We are called to be Holy and to live righteously before God. We are also called to be a light in this dark world, but what happens when you become entangled in helping others? Merriam-Webster defines entanglement as something that entangles, confuses, or ensnares. The condition of being deeply involved. Synonyms for entanglement are web, mesh, net, noose, quicksand, snare, toil, and trap. Free Dictionary defines entanglement as twisting together or entwine into a confusing mass. To complicate or confuse.

Being entangled makes you feel
like you are in a web.

Have you ever tried to help someone repeatedly and felt you were getting entangled in their problems? The more you try and help the more you feel like you are getting into quicksand and you feel there is no answer to their situations, which in turn causes you frustration. You start second guessing if you are a “real Christian.” You feel a sense of guilt over not being able to cope and handle all the problems that others bring to you. Many times the very people you are entangled with are piling heaps of guilt and manipulation upon you. This is especially difficult when dealing with loved ones and family. There is a deeper entanglement that comes from the ones we love. We don’t want them to suffer and to hurt, but what happens when all the helping is not helping but hurting you?

The enemy will bring situations and people into you path to distract and derail your purposes. There are some signs to watch for when you have gone too deep with someone.

1.      Did you feel prompted by the Holy Spirit to intervene or was it pressure from the other person or a desire to please?

2.      Are you struggling with your walk with God? Feeling spiritually bankrupt? Youth time with God is lacking and you are having trouble focusing on hearing God’s voice.

3.      You may feel discouraged, defeated, and like a failure.

4.      You are not sure God called you be in ministry and you lose your desire to minister.

5.      You feel stress, turmoil, tension, strife, chaos, and confusion.

6.      You can’t seem to get a clear or direct answer from the person you are trying to help. It seems when you talk with person you are trying to help it is muddy.

7.      You may experience fatigue and even sickness.

8.      The person you are trying to help does not listen to the advice you are trying to give to them, and they continue to do what they are doing; meanwhile still wanting you to fix their problems.

9.      You begin to feel frustrated, irritable, and maybe even angry.

10.  You are consumed with trying to intervene, and maybe even losing sleep as a result. Your focus is on their situation, and not on Christ.

11.  Your peace is gone and joy has dissipated.

12.  No amount of intervention or help is never enough for the person or people you are entangled with.

13.  You feel emotionally, physically and spiritually drained.

14.  You feel distracted and out of balance.

15.   You feel like you are on an emotional roller coaster ride with their issues.

16.  You try and point them to Jesus but discern they are not sincere in seeking Him.

You may be dealing with a toxic person. If you do not do what they want you to do, and they resort to anger, name calling, belittling, or guilt; that is a trait of a toxic person. To get entangled in a toxic person’s issues is dangerous to your mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being. Not all people who say they want help, in fact really want help. Some people are used by the agents of hell to entangle you and ensnare you. A HALLMARK OF A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP IS BOTH RECEIVE AND BOTH GIVE. There is also harmony, peace, and a desire to be around the other person. If you begin to dread being around that person or talking to them, it is a sign that it is not a healthy relationship.

Restoration and reconciliation are always hoped for in these types of relationships, but until Christ is at the center some precautions need to be made for your sanity.

1.      Take a time-out from these destructive relationships. Regain your peace and order. Ask the Lord Jesus to step-in and take full control, and you step out before you go under with them.

2.    Confront in love. The person that repeatedly causes drama and chaos in your life should be confronted as the Holy Spirit directs. Don’t do this in anger, but with the hope of true repentance.

3.     Set proper boundaries and consequences. This is important in dealing with ones who say they are sorry but continue to repeat the same behaviors over and over again. You will need to keep a guard up, and observe their behavior for a time (a solid year of consistent behavior is a good indication of true change), before realigning your life to theirs.

4.      Keep in mind that Jesus is not expecting to wear yourself out to help others who are not really helping themselves.

5.      Begin taking care of you and foster the good and positive relationships in your life. Stay away from toxic and negative people as much as possible. Nurture yourself and love yourself.

6.      Many times when we are engaged with other toxic people we neglect our other relationships that are satisfying. Take time to rebuild and restore satisfying relationships.

7.      Forgive yourself and let go of all guilt. Guilt is a tool straight from the pit of hell. It NEVER comes from God.

Stand fast in the liberty wherewith Christ hath made us free, and not to be entangled again with the yoke of bondage. Galatians 5:1, KJV

Soldiers don’t get tied up in the affairs of civilian life, for then they cannot please the officer who enlisted them. 2 Timothy 2:4, NLT