Counselor's Corner: When people Violate Your Boundaries

Counselor’s Corner: When People Violate Your Boundaries

Personal boundaries are guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave towards them and how they will respond when someone passes those limits.

We have all had people in our lives that have violated our boundaries, whether it’s a family member who expects you do whatever they want, a neighbor who believes they are the only one’s living on your street, or a friend who just drops in without giving you notice.

Reflect: Has anyone crossed your personal boundaries with you? How did it make you feel? Violated, angry, or powerless.

►Personal boundaries are important and here are 4 major reason why:

1.      Protects you from being manipulated.

2.      Protects you from being used.

3.      Protects you from being violated.

4.      Separates who you are and what you think and feel from the thoughts and feelings of others.

Emotional boundaries protect you from feeling guilty for someone else’s negative feelings or problems or taking comments personally.

►Having healthy emotional boundaries you are able to do the following:

1.      Say no to tasks you don’t want to do or have time to do.

2.      Protect your time-don’t overcommit.

3.      Ask for space because we all need time.

►Traits that people have who do not respect your boundaries:

1.      Lie regularly.

2.      Take advantage of your kindness.

3.      Manipulate to get what they want.

4.      Don’t consider your feelings, are inconsiderate and selfish.

5.      Feel entitled to do and behave as they please.

6.      Can be narcissistic.

7.      Socially immature or awkward.

►Traits of people who respect your boundaries:

1.      There is a mutual respect. Both parties are considerate and thoughtful.

2.      Physical and emotional boundaries are respected.

3.      Open and honest communication without defensiveness, withdrawal, or pouting.

Unfortunately, you can’t force people to respect your personal boundaries, unless something they are doing is against the law. You do however more control than you think.

Boundaries need to be clear and consistent with those that don’t respect you. Such people look for holes in your boundaries, and will try and try to cause a breach in your boundaries-STAY CLEAR AND CONSISTENT, what you will and will not tolerate. Follow through with consequences when the violator breaks a boundary with you. If you don’t force consequences, rest assured the violator will continue their behavior.

Narcissistic people intentionally will violate boundaries to hurt you, get a reaction out of you, and to exert control. If you confront a narcissistic violator, they will come across prideful, unaware of your feelings, and may even laugh at your request for them to stop a certain action or behavior. Narcissistic people are looking to argue with you, and enjoy when you become upset by one of their tactics.

If you have gotten frustrated or even angry at the repeated violators in your life, cut yourself some slack; it is difficult to deal with those who clearly don’t respect you or care about your feelings.

►What can you do when others violate your boundaries:

1.      Know your limits (physical, emotional and social). Set firm and clear consequences when those boundaries are violated.

2.      If you are getting angry, frustrated and/or exhausted dealing with someone, step back from the relationship/situation until you can regain your peace and composure.

3.      Recognize you do have needs, and that you should voice those needs to others. If they don’t listen or care, that is not your problem (if you are dealing with a narcissistic person, they will not care to change their behaviors and very likely will continue).

4.      Contact authorities if the violation against you is illegal.

5.      Have a 3^rd party meditate if you are not getting through to your violator.

6.      Maintain a healthy distance from those who repeatedly violate you with no course correction for their actions, or who are indifferent to your needs (if the person you need to distance yourself from lives in close proximity to you or is a family member, you will need to distance yourself emotionally until there is mutual respect). Emotional distance means keeping your heart guarded, choosing to respond verses react when they violate you in some way, and maintaining your inner peace by the strength of the Holy Spirit.

7.      Ask God for His assistance in dealing with those who repeatedly harm you in some manner. Our God is just and He is our help in time of need.

8.      Keep your cool, when your boundary is violated. Walk away, breath, and pray. When you respond in anger your judgment gets clouded. As a believer in Jesus Christ, you have the authority to bind the enemy. Use your authority and bind the spirits that are causing you trouble.

Setting boundaries is healthy, and having good boundaries means clearly what is OK and not OK and letting others know it. If you don’t set boundaries, you allow people to get away with behaviors that are not OK, and you in the end will end-up stressed, anxious, frustrated and angry.

Let’s Discuss:

What about you, have others violated your boundaries? How did you respond and how would you like to respond now after reading this article?

Counselor's Corner: Know Your Limitations

 I have a hard time saying no and often feel selfish for doing so. It is so hard to let people down and know that they are disappointed with you.

As I slipped away to be alone with the Lord, His response to me was refreshing and yet surprising to me. God showed me I have limits, and that I would be wise to know what they are. We are not called to do everything that is placed in front of us. Really? I thought we were. My warped motto has been for years if there is a need, meet it. After living this motto for most of my life, I am now realizing that it is not emotionally, mentally, or spiritually healthy.

Everyone has their limits on what they can endure. There are some warning signs that you have gone past your limitations.

Here are a few of those signs:

1.      Increased frustration, irritability, and anger.

2.      Lack of patience.

3.      Sleep is disturbed- feel restless and nightmares.

4.      Your “cup” feels empty or dry, but you keep giving anyway.

5.      Fatigue, headaches, backaches and an overall sense of malaise.

6.      Not at peace, feel anxious and worried instead of casting your care on the Lord.

7.      Feel pressured, cornered, or guilty at the demands of others.

8.      Burdened, heavy, and overwhelmed.

People without boundaries will be the first to violate your time. We need to know when God is in something and when He is not. One of the biggest keys to knowing if God is in something is having His peace. If you are feeling anxious or confused about doing something, that is a great indicator that God may not want you involved. Saying No is not easy if you are accustomed to pleasing others. It may seem selfish not to intervene or you may not feel like a “good Christian.”

If we do everything that comes across our paths, it will be a surefire way to exhaustion and burn-out. I recently had to set limits on helping a family member. I had already put out so much time and energy with this family member, I just had to set a limit. Was this hard? Yes, but I am learning to minister in the rhythm that Jesus did. Jesus took breaks from the demands of His ministry for peace and rest. Luke 5:16 tells us, “Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed.” Sometimes, we need to pull away from the “crowds” and be with the Lord. We should do this as often as we need to. This does not make you weak or a failure, but it will make you hear from the Father in what He should have you to do. Being connected to the Father above everything else will bring you peace, strength and joy.

Breathe. Relax. Slow-down

You cannot be everything to everyone!

What ways do you have difficulty setting limits? What happens when you do not set limits in your life?

Counselor's Corner: Understanding Mental and Emotional Stability

Spiritual maturity and emotional maturity go hand-in-hand; you cannot have one without the other. Emotional health involves knowing your limits, and not reacting act of emotions to circumstances. Everyone has limits, and it is wise to know yours.

Have you ever began your morning and said something like this, “Today, I will not let the enemy kill the joy and peace I desire to have.” Then something happens in your day and you feel emotionally drained. What happened? Reaction to circumstances. The enemy set you up by “baiting” you with people and circumstances that are difficult, stressful, and overwhelming. The enemy hopes we will react in our emotions, because this will usually lead us into sin. We are not to be led by our emotions and feelings; they are deceitful and constantly changing. We will encounter trials, stress and difficult people, but we must take a step back, go and pray, and be still and quiet as we wait for God’s intervention.

Some key factors that you are at your limit emotionally:

Emotions are running high.

Stress and/or fatigue.

Short temper.

Lack of grace and patience.

It is important to know if you have experienced emotional trauma and stress, so that you can heal and know how to deal properly in certain situations. Emotional trauma and stress can happen once or it can be a series of stressful events. If that is something you have endured, it is likely you will have a high stress/emotional response to current stressful situations. Is it hopeless? No, with acknowledging your hurt, facing the truth of your limits, and totally relying on God’s help and healing; there is hope.

People are more likely to be traumatized by stressful events if they are already under a heavy load. Childhood trauma can increase the risk of future trauma, and the way we deal and process stressful events. Emotional stress can be detrimental to your health and well-being. Find out what is causing your mental and emotional instability, and begin being proactive and make needed changes to your life. Your body is not able to defend itself against emotional stress, which in turn triggers mental and emotional instability.

Causes of emotional trauma and stress:

It happened unexpectedly.

You were unprepared for it.

You were powerless to prevent it.

It happened repeatedly (exposure to continued stressful situations).

It happened in childhood.

As Christians, we should make it a priority to have mental and emotional stability, but we may need to first understand what is causing it and what actions need to be taken to deal effectively with current and past stressors. What has occurred in the past as a stressful event can still cause us to react emotionally if we are continually exposed to that stressor. Know your triggers and past hurts, and how they could still be triggering an emotional response currently. If you experience frequent ups and downs emotionally, it is time to examine why and seek God for intervention; it is not His will for you to live unstable emotionally.

Having a better balance on your emotions will cause you to feel better physically and to have an increase in energy. It is time to ask yourself,” What am I expending my emotional energy on?” Remember, the enemy knows what will cause you to react and to get upset. Having emotional stability will enable you to peacefully and calmly go through difficult situations. Emotional stability does not mean suppressing your emotions, but controlling them.

A hallmark of a mentally and emotionally stable person is the ability to control one’s emotions.

Keys to mental and emotional stability:

First, admit your limits. What you can and cannot handle. Be okay with that, and don’t compare what other people can endure.

Recognize the people that deplete your energy, are unhealthy, and cause you stress. You may want to reevaluate your time and exposure to them.

Don’t take on more than you can handle; whether at work, ministry, church, or family.

Learn to say, “No,” when you are feeling stressed, tired, sick, or just need some alone time with yourself or God.

Don’t take on other’s issues, problems, or stress. We can pray for people, but we cannot do for others if we ourselves are depleted.

Do not react to your feelings or emotions. Pray first.

Exercise, eat healthy, and maintain a trustworthy/healthy support system.

Journal by processing your pent-up feelings, and talk to God about your deepest concerns.

Understanding that if you are mentally and emotionally unstable, it is likely you have endured some emotional/psychological trauma and stress, and that you need God’s help to overcome these damaged emotions. Don’t be hard on yourself, if you have emotional instability, but recognize that there is hope and a way to cope effectively.

1 Peter 5:8-9, Teaches us to be well-balanced and temperate (self-controlled) to keep satan from devouring us.

Psalm 94:13, God wants to give us power to stay calm in adversity.

Word of Encouragement: Counselor’s Corner: Tips for Taking Care of Your Emotional, Physical and Spiritual Health

Are you running on empty? Are you lacking joy, peace, contentment and energy? Is your relationship with God dry, distant or non-existent?

Neglecting your emotions, physical or spiritual needs is neither wise nor healthy.

If you are feeling drained, and are finding it hard to relax or even laugh something needs adjusting in your life. Most likely you are ignoring the warning signals in your body, spirit and mind that are telling you to slow down, breathe, and enjoy life.

►When we are not taking care of our physical bodies fatigue, sluggishness, headaches, stomach distress, muscle aches and pains, and malaise can happen. When we do not take care of our emotional state depression, anxiety, anger, guilt, addictions, and lack of contentment can occur. When we do not invest time spiritually with God we can flounder by going our own way, become confused, wearied, burdened and fearful.

If you have not been talking good care of your emotional, physical or spiritual needs stop today and reevaluate your life. Write down tangible goals that you can implement today to begin your journey to complete wholeness.

►I will give you some practical ways you can start your journey to wholeness. If you are depleted in in of these areas at ANY TIME, place the “oxygen mask” on yourself first before trying to give it to someone else. You cannot give someone what you don’t have. If you don’t learn to take care of you, it will be futile to try and do this for others.

Tips for taking good care of your emotional, physical, and spiritual needs:

1.      Set healthy boundaries with others (especially the toxic people in your life). KNOW YOUR LIMITS-You cannot be everything to everyone without neglecting your needs. Know when to say, “No.” When you are depleted is not time to agree to something that will not be beneficial to you.

2.      Get alone with God as much as possible. Preferably in the morning (start your day right), seek God first before you check your email and Facebook page. Feed your spirit everyday with devotions, prayer, worship, reading the Bible, or just sitting still before the Lord.

3.      Exercise at least 3-4x per week. Walking is a great stress reliever plus it’s great for your heart. Don’t neglect taking care of your body.

4.      Eat fresh fruits and vegetables daily. Drinking a fresh fruit/vegetable smoothie first thing in the morning is a great way to jumpstart your day by increasing your energy naturally and boosting your immune system.

5.      Take a good multivitamin and any other nutritional supplements recommended by a health care provider.

►A GREAT WAY to start EVERY MORNING. Start off by taking a walk (pray and talk to God during your walk), followed by a fresh fruit smoothie with your nutritional supplements, and commune/connect to your power source, Jesus Christ through prayer, worship or reading the Word. This is mind, body and spirit nourishment.

6.      Do something that you enjoy several times a week. Don’t know what you enjoy? Keep it simple like a bike ride or reading a book until others things you enjoy come to your mind.

7.      Laugh more. Laughing is difficult if you have been neglecting your needs, so go easy on yourself at first. Start off watching a comedy or just be silly. If you are too serious to be silly at times, you’re too serious. Lighten up! (If you have been through trauma or grief be gentle with yourself, laughing may seem difficult but try anyways.)

8.      Unplug from your phone and social media during all meals at home, and disconnect one hour before bed. Unplug and disconnect from these sources when you need to as well. Set perimeters on when you will check your phone or social media.

9.      Take “mental health” days. If you need a day to recharge then do so and don’t feel bad about it. I recommend taking at least one “mental health” day a month, if you cannot afford to take that kind of time from your job then do it when you have time off. During your “mental health” day you should unplug from social media, phone and emails. You should also do something that makes you happy and causes you to smile.

10.  Connect with people who nourish your spirit and after you leave their presence you feel encouraged. Don’t have people like that in your life? Ask God to bring them in your path. Don’t connect with people that are life and energy drainers because there is no one else in your life, wait for God to bring those life enhancing people to you.

11.  Journal your thoughts or what God may be sharing with you. Journaling can bring a release to negative emotions that you may carry.

Taking good care of yourself should be your number one priority. If you don’t take care of yourself, who will? What can you implement to start taking better care of you

Understanding Mental and Emotional Stability

Spiritual maturity and emotional maturity go hand-in-hand; you cannot have one without the other. Emotional health involves knowing your limits, and not reacting act of emotions to circumstances. Everyone has limits, and it is wise to know yours.

Have you ever began your morning and said something like this, “Today, I will not let the enemy kill the joy and peace I desire to have.” Then something happens in your day and you feel emotionally drained. What happened? Reaction to circumstances. The enemy set you up by “baiting” you with people and circumstances that are difficult, stressful, and overwhelming. The enemy hopes we will react in our emotions, because this will usually lead us into sin. We are not to be led by our emotions and feelings; they are deceitful and constantly changing. We will encounter trials, stress and difficult people, and sometimes when we our “off-guard,” but we must take a step back, go and pray, and be still and quiet as we wait for God’s intervention.

Some key factors that you are at your limit emotionally:

Emotions are running high.

Stress and/or fatigue.

Short temper.

Lack of grace and patience.

It is important to know if you have experienced emotional trauma and stress, so that you can heal and know how to deal properly in certain situations. Emotional trauma and stress can happen once or it can be a series of stressful events. If that is something you have endured, it is likely you will have a high stress/emotional response to current stressful situations. Is it hopeless? No, with acknowledging your hurt, facing the truth of your limits, and totally relying on God’s help and healing; there is hope.

People are more likely to be traumatized by stressful events if they are already under a heavy load. Childhood trauma can increase the risk of future trauma, and the way we deal and process stressful events. Emotional stress can be detrimental to your health and well-being. Find out what is causing your mental and emotional instability, and begin being proactive and make needed changes to your life. Your body is not able to defend itself against emotional stress, which in turn triggers mental and emotional instability.

Causes of emotional trauma and stress:

It happened unexpectedly.

You were unprepared for it.

You were powerless to prevent it.

It happened repeatedly (exposure to continued stressful situations).

It happened in childhood.

Mental and emotional stability has a healthy balance of all these components.

As Christians, we should make it a priority to have mental and emotional stability, but we may need to first understand what is causing it and what actions need to be taken to deal effectively with current and past stressors. What has occurred in the past as a stressful event can still cause us to react emotionally if we are continually exposed to that stressor. Know your triggers and past hurts, and how they could still be triggering an emotional response currently. If you experience frequent ups and downs emotionally, it is time to examine why and seek God for intervention; it is not His will for you to live unstable emotionally.

Having a better balance on your emotions will cause you to feel better physically and to have an increase in energy. It is time to ask yourself,” What am I expending my emotional energy on?” Remember, the enemy knows what will cause you to react and to get upset. Having emotional stability will enable you to peacefully and calmly go through difficult situations. Emotional stability does not mean suppressing your emotions, but controlling them.

A hallmark of a mentally and emotionally stable person is the ability to control one’s emotions.

Keys to mental and emotional stability:

First, admit your limits. What you can and cannot handle. Be okay with that, and don’t compare what other people can endure.

Recognize the people that deplete your energy, are unhealthy, and cause you stress. You may want to reevaluate your time and exposure to them.

Don’t take on more than you can handle; whether at work, ministry, church, or family.

Learn to say, “No,” when you are feeling stressed, tired, sick, or just need some alone time with yourself or God.

Don’t take on other’s issues, problems, or stress. We can pray for people, but we cannot do for others if we ourselves are depleted.

Do not react to your feelings or emotions. Pray first.

Exercise, eat healthy, and maintain a trustworthy/healthy support system.

Journal by processing your pent-up feelings, and talk to God about your deepest concerns.

Understanding that if you are mentally and emotionally unstable, it is likely you have endured some emotional/psychological trauma and stress, and that you need God’s help to overcome these damaged emotions. Don’t be hard on yourself, if you have emotional instability, but recognize that there is hope and a way to cope effectively.

1 Peter 5:8-9, Teaches us to be well-balanced and temperate (self-controlled) to keep satan from devouring us.

Psalm 94:13, God wants to give us power to stay calm in adversity.