Word of Encouragement: Counselor’s Corner: Be Free From Entanglements with Others!

We are called to be Holy and to live righteously before God. We are also called to be a light in this dark world, but what happens when you become entangled in helping others?

Merriam-Webster defines entanglement as something that entangles, confuses, or ensnares. The condition of being deeply involved. Synonyms for entanglement are web, mesh, net, noose, quicksand, snare, toil, and trap.

Free Dictionary defines entanglement as twisting together or entwine into a confusing mass. To complicate or confuse.

Have you ever tried to help someone repeatedly and felt you were getting entangled in their problems?

The more you try and help the more you feel like you are getting into quicksand and you feel there is no answer to their situations, which in turn causes you frustration. You start second guessing if you are a “real Christian.” You feel a sense of false guilt over not being able to cope and handle all the problems that others bring to you. Many times the very people you are entangled with are piling heaps of guilt and manipulation upon you. This is especially difficult when dealing with loved ones and family. There is a deeper entanglement that comes from the ones we love. We don’t want them to suffer and to hurt, but what happens when all the helping is not helping but hurting you?

The enemy will bring situations and people into you path to distract and derail your purposes. There are some signs to watch for when you have gone too deep with someone.

1.      Did you feel prompted by the Holy Spirit to intervene or was it pressure from the other person or a desire to please?

2.      Are you struggling with your walk with God? Feeling spiritually bankrupt? Your time with God is lacking and you are having trouble focusing on hearing God’s voice.

3.      You may feel discouraged, defeated, and like a failure.

4.      You feel stress, turmoil, tension, strife, chaos, and confusion.

5.      You can’t seem to get a clear or direct answer from the person you are trying to help. It seems when you talk with the person you are trying to help it appears muddy or confusing.

6.      You may experience fatigue and even sickness.

7.      The person you are trying to help does not listen to the advice you are trying to give to them, and they continue to do what they are doing; meanwhile still wanting you to fix their problems.

8.      You begin to feel frustrated, irritable, and maybe even angry.

9.      You are consumed with trying to intervene, and maybe even losing sleep as a result. Your focus is on their situation, and not on Christ.

10.  Your peace is gone and joy has dissipated.

11.  No amount of intervention or help is never enough for the person or people you are entangled with.

12.  You feel emotionally, physically and spiritually drained.

13.  You feel distracted and out of balance.

14.   You feel like you are on an emotional roller coaster ride with their issues.

15.  You try and point them to Jesus but discern they are not sincere in seeking Him.

You may be dealing with a toxic person. To get entangled in a toxic person’s issues is dangerous to your mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being. Not all people who say they want help, in fact really want help.

If the Holy Spirit is leading you, there will be harmony, peace, and a desire to be around the other person you are trying to help. If you begin to dread being around that person or talking to them, it is a sign that it is not a healthy relationship and the Holy Spirit is not directing you.

Restoration and reconciliation are always hoped for in these types of relationships, but until Christ is at the center some precautions need to be made for your sanity.

1.      Take a time-out from these destructive relationships. Regain your peace and order. Ask the Lord Jesus to step-in and take full control, and you step out before you go under with them.

2.      Confront in love. The person that repeatedly causes drama and chaos in your life should be confronted as the Holy Spirit directs. Don’t do this in anger, but with the hope of true repentance.

3.      Set proper boundaries and consequences. This is important in dealing with ones who say they are sorry but continue to repeat the same behaviors over and over again. You will need to keep a guard up, and observe their behavior for a time (a solid year of consistent behavior is a good indication of true change), before realigning your life to theirs.

4.      Keep in mind that Jesus is not expecting to wear yourself out to help others who are not really helping themselves.

5.      Begin taking care of you and foster the good and positive relationships in your life. Stay away from toxic and negative people as much as possible. Nurture yourself and love yourself.

6.      Many times when we are engaged with other toxic people we neglect our other relationships that are satisfying. Take time to rebuild and restore satisfying relationships.

7.      Forgive yourself and let go of all guilt. Guilt is a tool straight from the pit of hell. It NEVER comes from God.

Remain in love and forgiveness towards ones who abuse and hurt you. Don’t allow any bitterness or anger to cause you to stumble.

Sometimes we have to “let go and let God,” and that can include letting go of people who really don’t want help.

Stand fast in the liberty wherewith Christ hath made us free, and not to be entangled again with the yoke of bondage. Galatians 5:1, KJV

Soldiers don’t get tied up in the affairs of civilian life, for then they cannot please the officer who enlisted them. 2 Timothy 2:4, NLT

Why I Crave Stability

I grew up in a home that was unstable and I never knew what the atmosphere in our home would be like. I did not know from minute to minute who would be upset or who would explode in a rage. I do not ever remember experiencing peace in my home, I believe that is why I am so adamant in there being peace in my home now. I also like to know what is going to happen before it does, or at least have a plan. I realize we cannot plan everything, but my world goes into complete chaos if I don’t have some sort of plan, even if it is an outline. I don’t like unexpected company or unplanned events. I am a planner at heart and I do really try to “go with the flow,” but when you come from chaos you crave stability. In my mind plans=stability.

I grew up with family members who had various mental health issues and substance and alcohol addictions, so there was little stability in my world. Even now as I am all grown up, many of my family members still have mental health issues and addictions, including my son. I never know what I will get from some of my family, some days they are consistent and others days they “drop off the face of the earth.” Some days they are great to talk with and others days they are draining emotionally, but the difficult part is that I do not know when they will have a good or bad day. I don’t know if I say, “No,” to their requests if I will hear from them again. I have no idea from day to day what will come out of their mouths, or if today they will decide to follow Jesus. Even their relationship with Jesus is a roller coaster ride, some days they pursue Him and others days they are pursuing the things of the world. Sometimes they will pray with me and others times they want nothing to do with prayer.

I never know where they will end up living, several in my family change where they live frequently and most of the time I don’t even know where they live. Their phone numbers change just as frequent. Sometimes I don’t hear anything from them at all, leaving me to wonder yet again, “Are they okay?”

I wish I could say I had more stability in my family but I don’t. I am the most stable person in my family, and I am the “baby.” I am very big on people keeping their word and doing what they say they are going to do, and I know that is a result of so many in my life who do just the opposite of that. Oh, how I crave stability!

It is amazing how we can ride the roller coaster of emotions with others, but I don’t want that! If my family CHOOSES to live in turmoil and instability then that is their choice! I cannot control others, but I can control myself and I can maintain peace and stability in my home. I can CHOOSE how often I interact with the unstable people in my life. I don’t have to ride the “crazy train,” I am CHOOSING to get off!

I desire the later part of my life to have peace and stability from Christ. If others CHOOSE to continue to live in turmoil, then they can, but I can’t and will not any longer. Yes, my heart goes out to others who are emotionally unstable but I can’t let it drown me any longer. I have to CHOOSE every day to fight against the generational sins and strongholds in my family, but I fight. I CHOOSE to get in the Word and believe what it says despite my feelings. And yes, some day are more challenging to have stability like around the time of my cycle, but I try not to spew and spill my emotions over any and every one. I have problems just like everyone else, but I don’t expect others to clean up my mess or bail me out of my troubles. I ask for prayer if I am in deep trouble, but I don’t expect others to carry my load and burden themselves. Unstable people will get you to carry their load and yours too! Unstable people have no boundaries, so they don’t know when enough is enough-you have to set the boundaries with them!

I long for the day that I can count on my family, but if that day never comes; I can ALWAYS count on Jesus. I long for the day that I won’t feel like I have to pick up the pieces in their lives, and be the “rock” for them because their lives are so chaotic, BUT if that does not happen-God will be my rock! I will have stability in my life and home regardless of who in my life does not. I will no longer carry the guilt of them not being able to get their lives together, and feeling sorry for them. I will no longer feel sorry for them, and feel it is my duty to fix their problems and be the “rock” for them. I am not a rock, I am a person with human weaknesses, but Jesus can become their rock. I can feel bad for them and believe they just have not had the opportunities that I have had, or their lives have been harder than mine; but the reality is my life has been no calk walk! The difference is I make CHOICES daily that I will pursue God and His ways.

You therefore, beloved, knowing beforehand, take care that you are not carried away with the error of lawless people and lose your own stability. 2 Peter 3:17

Christians That Get Entangled

We are called to be Holy and to live righteously before God. We are also called to be a light in this dark world, but what happens when you become entangled in helping others? Merriam-Webster defines entanglement as something that entangles, confuses, or ensnares. The condition of being deeply involved. Synonyms for entanglement are web, mesh, net, noose, quicksand, snare, toil, and trap. Free Dictionary defines entanglement as twisting together or entwine into a confusing mass. To complicate or confuse.

Being entangled makes you feel
like you are in a web.

Have you ever tried to help someone repeatedly and felt you were getting entangled in their problems? The more you try and help the more you feel like you are getting into quicksand and you feel there is no answer to their situations, which in turn causes you frustration. You start second guessing if you are a “real Christian.” You feel a sense of guilt over not being able to cope and handle all the problems that others bring to you. Many times the very people you are entangled with are piling heaps of guilt and manipulation upon you. This is especially difficult when dealing with loved ones and family. There is a deeper entanglement that comes from the ones we love. We don’t want them to suffer and to hurt, but what happens when all the helping is not helping but hurting you?

The enemy will bring situations and people into you path to distract and derail your purposes. There are some signs to watch for when you have gone too deep with someone.

1.      Did you feel prompted by the Holy Spirit to intervene or was it pressure from the other person or a desire to please?

2.      Are you struggling with your walk with God? Feeling spiritually bankrupt? Youth time with God is lacking and you are having trouble focusing on hearing God’s voice.

3.      You may feel discouraged, defeated, and like a failure.

4.      You are not sure God called you be in ministry and you lose your desire to minister.

5.      You feel stress, turmoil, tension, strife, chaos, and confusion.

6.      You can’t seem to get a clear or direct answer from the person you are trying to help. It seems when you talk with person you are trying to help it is muddy.

7.      You may experience fatigue and even sickness.

8.      The person you are trying to help does not listen to the advice you are trying to give to them, and they continue to do what they are doing; meanwhile still wanting you to fix their problems.

9.      You begin to feel frustrated, irritable, and maybe even angry.

10.  You are consumed with trying to intervene, and maybe even losing sleep as a result. Your focus is on their situation, and not on Christ.

11.  Your peace is gone and joy has dissipated.

12.  No amount of intervention or help is never enough for the person or people you are entangled with.

13.  You feel emotionally, physically and spiritually drained.

14.  You feel distracted and out of balance.

15.   You feel like you are on an emotional roller coaster ride with their issues.

16.  You try and point them to Jesus but discern they are not sincere in seeking Him.

You may be dealing with a toxic person. If you do not do what they want you to do, and they resort to anger, name calling, belittling, or guilt; that is a trait of a toxic person. To get entangled in a toxic person’s issues is dangerous to your mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being. Not all people who say they want help, in fact really want help. Some people are used by the agents of hell to entangle you and ensnare you. A HALLMARK OF A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP IS BOTH RECEIVE AND BOTH GIVE. There is also harmony, peace, and a desire to be around the other person. If you begin to dread being around that person or talking to them, it is a sign that it is not a healthy relationship.

Restoration and reconciliation are always hoped for in these types of relationships, but until Christ is at the center some precautions need to be made for your sanity.

1.      Take a time-out from these destructive relationships. Regain your peace and order. Ask the Lord Jesus to step-in and take full control, and you step out before you go under with them.

2.    Confront in love. The person that repeatedly causes drama and chaos in your life should be confronted as the Holy Spirit directs. Don’t do this in anger, but with the hope of true repentance.

3.     Set proper boundaries and consequences. This is important in dealing with ones who say they are sorry but continue to repeat the same behaviors over and over again. You will need to keep a guard up, and observe their behavior for a time (a solid year of consistent behavior is a good indication of true change), before realigning your life to theirs.

4.      Keep in mind that Jesus is not expecting to wear yourself out to help others who are not really helping themselves.

5.      Begin taking care of you and foster the good and positive relationships in your life. Stay away from toxic and negative people as much as possible. Nurture yourself and love yourself.

6.      Many times when we are engaged with other toxic people we neglect our other relationships that are satisfying. Take time to rebuild and restore satisfying relationships.

7.      Forgive yourself and let go of all guilt. Guilt is a tool straight from the pit of hell. It NEVER comes from God.

Stand fast in the liberty wherewith Christ hath made us free, and not to be entangled again with the yoke of bondage. Galatians 5:1, KJV

Soldiers don’t get tied up in the affairs of civilian life, for then they cannot please the officer who enlisted them. 2 Timothy 2:4, NLT

Peace in the Storm

“You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.” Isaiah 26:3

We cannot avoid strife in this world, but with God we can know perfect peace, even in turmoil. Keeping your thoughts and trust in God will keep you in peace. We can easily lose our peace, when we look at the surrounding circumstances in our lives and in the world.

“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving let your requests be made to God, and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds trough Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7

God’s peace is different than the world’s peace. True peace is not found in positive thinking, the absence of conflict and strife, but it comes from knowing that God is in control. Let God’s peace guard your heart against anxiety and pressures of this world.

“Peace I leave you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” John 14:27

Unlike the world’s peace, which is usually defined by the absence of conflict, this peace is confident assurance in any circumstance. With Christ’s peace, we can have no need to fear the present or the future. If you are feeling full of stress, anxiety or worry, allow the Holy Spirit to fill you with Christ’s peace. Christ can give you a peace in the midst of the storm. Fear, uncertainty, doubt, worry and numerous other forces are at war with us, they can cause us to feel anxious. The peace of God can overpower all of these forces, and offer us comfort in the place of conflict and stress. Jesus says He will give us that peace if we are willing to accept it from Him.

Peace from God comes from time spent with God, listening and obeying to His voice over the voices of the enemy, and asking God to give you peace in the midst of conflict, turmoil, and chaos.