I have always wanted to please others and do whatever
was necessary to avoid conflict. My family has been quit unhealthy since as far
back as I can remember. I knew from an early age that I wanted better for my
life and the constant barrage of conflicts and confusion that stemmed from
addictions in my family and various mental illnesses. I was desperate to be
different, but I did not know how to be. I was always searching for the next
thing to make me better, but nothing seemed to last. Sure, I tried to manage
and cope with life through various addictions as my family had, but I got sick
and tired of that lifestyle. I was not taught about having a personal
relationship with Jesus Christ, but God sent a minister into my path to show me
God’s love. I rejected the “message” at first, but I was desperate because I
had been to “hell and back.” I eventually turned my heart to God and ask Jesus
to be my Savior. Fast forward, 17 years later and I am out of that deep, dark
pit that I was in, but my family has chosen to stay there. I want them out,
because I know the life that God given me, and I want them to have what I have.
I had developed false guilt because I tried and tried
to step-in and help my family, only to come away feeling like I never do
enough. It seemed no matter what I would do for them, they needed more and
more. I felt a false duty to do whatever I needed to “get them to Christ,” but
as a result I began having an overactive conscience and never could rest. I was
always trying to figure out how I could help them. I began doing things for my
family out of guilt and family obligation, because that’s “what family’s do.”
If you have endured false guilt, then you know that it
causes you to be worn-out. Always trying to please others and get their
approval, because you want to make others happy. The mission for someone who
suffers from false guilt is proving their worthiness to others-you will love me
if I do __________. You never know if you measure to the standards of others,
so you live with a lot of uncertainty. Thus, you try harder to win their
approval, but you don’t and the cycle continues.
The bottom line is that I feared losing those relationships
that caused me to act out of guilt, because then I would know that I was
unworthy, unacceptable and rejected. Not only do I not want someone to be mad
at me, but I am a natural-born “rescuer.” This combination can be a breeding
ground for developing a false sense of guilt. If I hear or see a need, then I automatically
assume that it is there for me to pick up, and if I don’t I can hear very negative
messages about myself. What I am learning through all of this, is that when God
wants you to intervene you will not struggle with heavy guilt, and you won’t
have to figure-out how to solve the problem. There will be an inner “knowing”
or nudging inside when you are supposed to help. When the enemy is involved he
sends waves of pressure like, “You should be helping.” You will also hear condemning
messages such as,” What kind of daughter are you not to intervene, its family and
that is what you do.”
Condemnation
always comes from the enemy. If the Lord is not in something and you pick
it up anyways, there will be no active solution. For instance, you were asked
to help in a situation with a family member but you did not have God’s peace
but because it is family you tried to step-in only to be met with frustration
after frustration concerning their problem. Yes,
we are supposed to help and encourage others, but when we REPEATEDLY offer our
energy and resources to ones who are
not getting it in hopes that “this time will help,” we can carry heavy loads of false guilt on our shoulders. It is
amazing how certain people know what to say to get you to do what they want,
but if you rely on the leading of the Holy Spirit instead of emotions you will
know what you are supposed to do. Take time and step away and pray first, the enemy
is in the business of making you rush and feel hurried to give an answer immediately,
others can make you feel it is an emergency when in fact it is not. Feeling hurried, pressured and confused are
great indicators that God does not want you involved. If you have to
conjure up the solution yourself to someone else’s problem after racking your
brain for days, chances are God is not in it. God gives the solution, He does
not leave you empty-handed grasping for solutions-He is the solution!
God
always makes a way, and if we are trying to solve problems for our families or
other relationships we can end up anxious, fearful, depressed, sick, and
exhausted. Why? Because God maybe trying to get that person to turn to Him,
instead of you to fix their problems. When God has something for you to do,
there is no guilt, heaviness, or burdens attached to it. You just know deep
down inside what you need to do, but when the enemy sets you up to get entangled
in others problems that God did not call you to-be careful because you can easily
be deceived and enmeshed.
There is freedom from false guilt, and it starts with acknowledging
the “roots” of why we do what we do? Lack of trust towards God, people
approval, fear of rejection. Then acknowledging what is sin and confessing it
to the Lord and asking Jesus to deliver us from false guilt.
