Counselor's Corner: Traits of Healthy Relationships

Healthy relationships can bring out the best in you, but unhealthy relationships have the potential to bring out the worst in you. Have you ever wondered why some of your relationships cause you to feel stress, tense, anxious and angry? Healthy relationships should make you feel supported, encouraged, valued, loved and respected.

Healthy relationships are vital to your overall spiritual, physical and emotional/mental well-being.

Many people struggle with staying connected to people who are unhealthy for them because they have a sense of obligation or loyalty to them. Just because someone is family does not mean they are healthy for you.

You will need to have clear and consistent boundaries with your unhealthy relationships, and may even need to create healthy space between you so that you will not be wrecked emotionally and physically. Boundaries with unhealthy people in your life may look like limiting communication with you them, not agreeing to their demands, and placing some distance between you and them when they violate your boundaries.

So how do you know if a relationship is healthy?

Listed below are some traits you want to see in healthy relationships:

1.      There is mutual respect. You can be yourself and you allow the people that you are in a relationship to be themselves. You don’t have to be someone you’re not.

2.      There is open and honest communication. If there is a problem in the relationship, it is discussed, both parties are heard, forgiveness and grace is given, and the relationship is restored.

3.      You don’t feel obligated or expected to be with them. You actually enjoy their company and they enjoy yours, but if you feel obligated or pressured to be with them; that is not healthy.

4.      No one controls, manipulates, or makes the other feel guilty for what they can or can’t do.

5.      There is no abuse-verbally, physically or mental/emotional.

6.      You can trust each other. Trust is the foundation of any successful relationship.

7.      They are dependable and they are there for each other during times of crisis or difficulties.

8.      You feel secure and comfortable with them.

9.      Have a shared spiritual commitment and faith.

10.  Have shared interests and spend quality time together.

11.  Conflict is minimal and if there is conflict is it dealt with quickly through honest communication.

12.  Not over-entangled in one another’s lives. Autonomy and individuation are respected.

13.  You are able to have fun together, laugh, instead of focusing on problems.

Healthy families are not perfect, you may have experienced some of the above issues in your relationships but it should not be continually. Healthy relationships allow for individuality; each person is encouraged to have their own pursuits and interests. Boundaries between individuals are respected and honored. If you were raised in a dysfunctional family, you may need some healing yourself as to what is a healthy relationship; and if you are in a unhealthy relationship you may need to set limits on your contact with them.

You cannot change others, but you can change yourself.

Let’s Discuss:

Are you involved in any unhealthy relationships? How do you know and what can you do about it?

Counselor's Corner: When You Have Done All That You Can Do in a Relationship

Some relationships are difficult. Do you have a relationship in your life that you have done all that you can do to help this person, or tried mend your broken relationship with them and nothing has seemed to work? You may feel disappointed, frustrated, and you may feel like you failed this person. 

The closer you are to that person emotionally such as with a child or sibling, the deeper the wound goes. Maybe it is time to realize that you have done all that you can do to heal this relationship and that is time to heal your heart.

Relationships can be a great source of security, stability, and support, but strained and damaged relationships can be a source of stress in our lives.

Reflect and ponder: Are you frustrated in a relationship that you have been trying to fix and nothing thus far has seemed to work? Maybe you have tried to communicate and were meet with resistance or you have given excessively and what you gave was squandered.

Counselor’s corner:

·        A healthy relationship is reciprocal, meaning both give and take equally. When the relationship is unbalanced and there is more taking than giving, the relationship becomes strained. A strain on a relationship can break the relationship.

·        Don’t jump back into a relationship with someone just because they say, “I’m Sorry.” I’m Sorry, is a good starting point but it must be backed up with consistent action not merely words.

·        If you have given your time, money, and resources repeatedly and it does appear to help-Stop! Repeated hand-outs can actually harm a person in the long-run by causing dependency.

·        If you have tried to communicate and you have been shut down, ignored, or what you were trying to say was twisted-move on and pray that the Holy Spirit would speak truth to them.

·        When you’ve done all that you can do for that relationship, get your focus elsewhere. Look for opportunities where you can plant “seeds” in fertile soil.

·        Give that person over to God fully, and release them from your heart into God’s capable hands. This does not mean you give up someone, it means you’re giving them over to God.

Relationships should add value to our lives not stress and heartache. All relationships eventually will have some sort of conflict or disagreement, but healthy relationships talk openly about what has caused their conflict, and there is resolve quickly through mutual respect and understanding.

MEDITATE ON THESE SCRIPTURES:

He who walks with wise men will be wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm.

Proverbs 13:20

Do not be deceived, bad company corrupts good morals.

1 Corinthians 15:33

Can two walk together, unless they agree?

Amos 3:3