Counselor's Corner: Setting Boundaries-Part I

*Today’s article will be from a two-part series on setting boundaries.

Many people have trouble setting boundaries. In relationships, a boundary is what divides one person, so they can have separate identities. Healthy borders show respect for one another. Limits are important to have so that you do not become enmeshed with other people’s problems, and have difficulty setting parameters to their request. Sometimes, individuals lack constraints because they feel over-responsible for other people, and they are consumed by guilt and what others think of them. Individuals lack boundaries because they were never shown to them, such as with childhood sexual abuse. Someone with a history of abuse, often lacks healthy limitations, and everybody’s needs and concerns become their needs and concerns. They do not know where they begin, and others end, oftentimes, because they were violated and do not know they have the right to say, “No.”

It is okay to say, “No.”

If you lack the ability to be clear about not being able to do things, this can lead to exhaustion and burn-out, in particularly if one is involved in ministry or a helping profession. Living up to the expectations of others can become wearisome.

►Key signs to look for if someone has trouble setting boundaries: 

1.      Inability to not go along with others requests and demands of their time.

2.      Take on the burdens of others as if they were your own.

3.      History of abuse or permissive parents with no limits or discipline.

4.      Need the approval of others and have a fear of man. Care deeply what people think.

5.      Feel guilty if you’re not able to do what others expect.

6.      Oftentimes, feel used, exhausted, and irritated at the constant demands of others, but not able to set healthy parameters.

7.      Unaware of your own needs and have a difficult time taking care of personal needs.

“Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe.” Proverbs 29:25

Boundaries protect us from those who lack self-control, and try to manipulate to getting what they want. A person with healthy limitations takes responsibility for their own lives, and allows others to take responsibility of their lives. Problems setting limits are a main reason people get stressed. It is important to speak the truth, always in love, to those who would violate our boundaries.

As Christians, we feel to love someone, we should be long-suffering, and accept the person just as they are. One can continue to give and give, and continue on the “crazy cycle,” because we feel it’s the “Christian” thing to do. Hurt and resentment can begin to fester, if the person we are trying to help or meet their demands continues their sequence of bad behavior. There are two sides of love the Bible teaches about, one is acceptance and forgiveness, and the other is truth and righteous behavior. Love is not always giving people what they want or expect.

Be sure to check tomorrow’s blog post for part two on setting boundaries with loved ones.

Counselor's Corner: How-to Walk-in Freedom from Concerns That Weigh You Down

Have you had trouble experiencing joy? Perhaps the reason is that your concerns are weighing you down.

I was feeling a little sluggish today and just not able to experience joy. It felt as if something was pressing on me or weighing me down. In my time with God this morning, He revealed to me that I was concerned over many matters and that was causing me to feel the way I was.

→How do you know you are overly concerned about a situation?

You repeatedly think about or talk about the situation that concerns you. God had showed me that I have been daily thinking about the same concerns. It is not all bad to have concerns but when they become repetitious in manner than we can lose our joy and our peace.

When we hold onto the same concerns after we have prayed about them and refuse to surrender the outcomes to God, a heaviness can come upon us. We are not built to carry our concerns. If we carry our concerns daily we cannot experience enjoyment of life.

As women it can be especially challenging not to think about our concerns. A woman’s brain is compared to spaghetti, meaning that experiences and thoughts all run-together. The problem is when you can’t turn the switch off in your brain for the situations you are concerned about.

→How can you walk in freedom from your concerns?

1.      Write out what you are concerned about, be aware of those concerns you repeatedly think about (those are the ones that cause heaviness and robs you of joy and peace).

2.      Look over your list of concerns and ask yourself the following questions over each one: Have you prayed about that concern? Are you trusting God with the outcome of your prayers? Which concerns do you repeatedly think about? Get to the “root” of why you repeatedly think about those concerns. Are your concerns rooted in fear?

3.      Are you trying to figure out the outcomes of your concerns?

4.      Become aware of the concerns you are repeatedly thinking about. Submit the concern immediately to Christ and move on. When the Holy Spirit wants you to act, then He will give you the grace, strength and peace to do so. Remind yourself that you have prayed about those concerns, and God has heard you and He will answer you. If you are repeatedly thinking about the same concerns most likely fear is involved and you are in bondage to whatever is controlling your thoughts. Fear does not come from God, so it must be broken by the name of Jesus. Fear can come in many forms, fear of the unknown, fear of man, fear of disappointing others, fear of being hurt.

5.      Obsessive thoughts about concerns can be broken by discipling your mind, or retraining your thoughts. When a reoccurring obsessive thought comes to your mind, don’t entertain, dwell, or analyze that thought. Stop thinking about that thought by replacing the thought with a scripture and/or a faith-filled response. You may need to do this often before the obsessive thought is broken. Think on those things that are lovely, a good report and things that are praiseworthy.

►Disciplining your thoughts takes time and effort, but it can be done. You can have freedom from what concerns you. For additional practical help, check out my latest book, “Disciplining your mind 30 days to a better you!”. You can find my book on Amazon and on this blog.

►If you are a subscriber to my blog, or a book reviewer and would like to do a book review for Amazon and Good reads for my book, send me a message and I will send you a physical, signed copy of my book for you to review.

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Counselor's Corner: Why We Don't Like Disappointing Others

Since I was a little girl I always wanted to please the adults in my life, as I grew older that really did not change much. I do not like letting people down or having to tell anyone, “No.” I fear that that person will get mad at me and think less than positive things about me. I have gotten better over the years of telling others, “No,” but sometimes it still bothers me to tell someone,” I am not able to do that at this time.”

Where does this root of people-pleasing stem from? Insecurity, having a lack of personal boundaries, and the fear of man (caring too much what others think).

But I’m learning IT IS OKAY to disappoint others. When we fail to recognize that we will disappoint others and that is okay, it can lead to stress, fear and worry. We must get comfortable with letting others down. We must be tuned-in to the Holy Spirit so that He can let us know if we are to go here or there. Oftentimes, the Holy Spirit does not speak anything direct to our spirits  but we have a deep inner “knowing,” a settled peace, and there is a natural flow (in other words, you don’t have guilt or try to figure out how you can fit one more thing into your already packed schedule). When we tell others no, they most likely will not like that answer and possibly pout or sulk, but that is not your problem. If someone manipulates you through guilt by their words or even facial and body language you know that is not coming from the Lord.

How can we respond to others disappointing us? If you ask a request of someone and they politely say, “No thank you, I am not going to go this time;” we should respect their response and simply say,” No problem at all.” This can take the guilt of saying no off the person that is declining your invitation. If we get upset either by our words or non-verbal body language, we are sending a guilt message to that person.

We cannot please everyone all the time. We cannot agree to everyone’s request that comes our way and keep our sanity. When someone is disappointed with you, it is out of your control-and it is their problem!

Fear of letting people down will cause you to do things you were not intended to do. We don’t want others to reject us, so we agree to do what is best for them and not necessarily for us. The root of rejection can stem all the way back to our childhood, and if we still carry around that root of rejection we will have a more difficult time disappointing others.

Sometimes we have trouble disappointing others because we don’t want them to feel rejected or hurt, but most people are resilient and will “get over” you saying no to them quickly. We cannot be responsible for how others will take our, “No, thank you.” If there is a mutual respect between two people it will be very easy to say how you really feel and what you can or can’t do. Saying “No” is often most difficult with family, spouses, friends, and your boss. The people we are the closet to are the hardest to disappoint, and that is because we want them to continue to love us, accept us, and think good things about us. However, we should be more concerned about pleasing our Heavenly Father.

Learn to practice saying, “No,” and being okay with disappointing others. If you want everyone to be happy with you ALL the time, you will need to get over that! Not everyone will be happy or pleased with us 100% of the time. If you are putting other’s needs ahead of your own needs, you are setting yourself up for feelings of resentment. Get to the root of why you can’t say, “No” to others. Perhaps you enjoy being liked and validated or just need to feel needed. Getting the approval of others may make you feel like you are a good person. Maybe your main issue is how people will view you. You certainly don’t want to be viewed as lazy, uncaring, or selfish.

You have a choice! You DO NOT have to say, “Yes,” when someone asks something of you. If someone asks you for something it is perfectly OKAY to say,” I need to get back with you on that at a later time.” Don’t give into the demands of pushy people wanting an answer right away. If you do agree to someone’s request, SET A TIME LIMIT. For example, “We can meet Saturday from 12pm-2pm.” If you don’t set limits and boundaries with certain people, your time will be taken advantage of. Some people clearly will manipulate and try and take every advantage of you. You can spot the manipulator by their flattery. You do not have to defend your decision with excessive reasoning. The manipulator will use your reasoning to gain wiggle room to get you to say yes, such as, “Oh, you can do that later. “Don’t apologize for telling someone, “No.” It makes you appear like you are at fault.

You are entitled to your time, your need to rest, and your boundaries. We all have emotional and physical limits, and not everyone knows what they are in our lives. Setting boundaries can include the times we answer our phone, have company, and letting others know they will need to call and ask if they can come over. Yes, others may be disappointed that you have personal boundaries, but they will get over it if they truly respect and love you.

Fearing people is a dangerous trap, but trusting the Lord means safety. Proverbs 29:25, NLT

For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ. Galatians 1:10, ESV

How about you? What do you struggle with the most in disappointing others?

Counselor's Corner: When Is It Time to Confront Lovingly?

As a Christian, it can be difficult to know when to keep giving mercy to someone or when it is time to confront lovingly. Our first response should be to give mercy and extend grace because we don’t know what someone may be going through. There are times when you will need to speak to others about their continued bad behavior.

→These are some tips to use when you are wondering if you should keep silent or speak up:

1.      Is it an isolated incident? In other words, occurring once or very infrequently.

2.      Are your boundaries being violated? We all the right to privacy, respect and boundaries. Are the people you are dealing with crossing lines repeatedly? Crossing boundaries once or twice should be overlooked, but numerous boundary violations should be addressed.

3.      What is the frequency and the duration of what you are dealing with? Is it the same people doing the same thing over and over again? We should overlook minor infractions by others but when disrespectful behavior becomes chronic with the same people in your life it is time to confront lovingly.

4.      Have you addressed the person’s discourteous behavior before but it did not work, the person continued to be rude and disrespectful?

5.      Are you feeling violated?

6.      Are you being harmed in any way? Physically, emotionally, or mentally?

If you answered mostly yes to the above questions, it will be important to address issues with others lovingly. Sometimes God does step in and rescue us from situations that are unbearable, and other times He is teaching us to rise up and do not fear man.

→When you have to get to the point of confronting others lovingly there are some things to consider:

1.      Be firm and assertive, not aggressive.

2.      Speak calmly and rationally. Do not name call or belittle. Focus on the facts only.

3.      As difficult as it may be, do not concern yourself with what the other person thinks of you. Remember, that you have the right to tell someone they are violating your boundaries or causing harm to you.

4.      Speak truthfully. If you have been harmed by another person’s actions repeatedly, it is okay to tell the other person.

There are times confronting lovingly goes better than expected, and there are times that the person you have confronted continues in their behavior. How many times should you have to confront someone? Just once, but there are times that the other person is oblivious to your pain. If this occurs, continue to stand on the promises in the Word of God for His protection against your enemies, and if anything is being done that is against the law you may need to get the authorities involved. I do believe God will intervene before authorities would needed to be called. Keep standing and believing what God says about His protection. If you can get away or stay away from the source of your contentions, do so. There are times though when we must stay and fight, seek God’s wisdom on what you should do.

Counselor’s Corner: Freedom from Insecurity and People-Pleasing

Be a God pleaser, not a man pleaser.

Reflect and ponder: Are you more concerned with pleasing man than God? Do you seek the approval of others? At the core of people pleasing is insecurity. We can be insecure for a number of reasons. Insecurity can have roots stemming back from our childhood.

Counselor’s corner: How do you know you are dealing with insecurity?

Here are some key signs insecurity may be a part of your life:

1.      You question everything you do. You are uncomfortable with decisions you make.

You look to others to decide what’s best for you.

2.      You lack confidence in speaking and having conversations with others, and social settings make you feel uneasy.

3.      You look to others to approve you and to validate you.

4.      You always believe you’re at fault and take the blame when things go wrong.

5.      You don’t know who you are in Christ. Your identity is based not on what God says about you, but on what others say about you.

6.      You believe what others say about you, whether good or bad.

7.      You are overly sensitive to needing others to approve of you and sensitive to criticism, even constructive criticism.

8.      You live in constant fear and you lack trust for others and even God.

All these insecurities can lead to people pleasing and eventually lead to approval addiction. It is important that you know who you are in Christ, and that you allow the Holy Spirit to uncover your roots of insecurity so that you can be healed and function the way God intended. If you do not believe what God says about you, you will believe what others say about you. This is especially true of people that have been verbally/emotionally abused and verbally bullied by peers. Young people today are being “cyber bullied” and many young people succumb to these taunts and torments. These bullies are acting as agents and mouthpieces of the kingdom of darkness. God would never ridicule, torment or verbally abuse us.

People approval will lead you to do things that are not led by the Holy Spirit. 

So many people succumb to peer pressure, and not just young people. I have seen grown people succumb to the pressure of people in the church. If you are not lead by the Holy Spirit you will end up exhausted, frustrated, stressed and burnt-out. People will always want you to fulfill their agenda, but what is most important is what God wants you to do. You may have to say “No” to people and set boundaries. It is okay to say “No.” You have choices and you don’t have to lead by the feelings and desires of man, but instead God gives us wisdom and discernment to know what we should be involved in.

You are not called to be everywhere, do everything, and fulfill the wants of others. Ask yourself if you have peace. If peace is not involved, chances are God is not a part of it.

It is hard not to desire to be liked and approved of others, especially the ones we love and are closest to. We don’t want them to think bad of us or be angry at us. It does not matter what others say or think of you. Others are going to have their opinion about you, and a lot of times there is not a whole lot you can do about it, but you can pray that God softens their hearts towards you.

If you continue to be judged, misunderstood, or just treated unfair because you’re setting boundaries and learning to say “No”, than it is a matter between them and God.

Key Characteristics of a People-Pleaser:

1.      More concerned about pleasing others than God or yourself.

2.      Not lead by peace but by emotions/feelings.

3.      Let others control and manipulate you.

4.      Easily influenced by what others want.

5.      Can’t say “No” to others demands or desires.

6.      Lack boundaries with others. Hard time separating self from others.

7.      Feel guilty if you ever do say “No.”

8.      Have issues with rejection, insecurity and fear.

9.      Don’t want anyone to be mad at you or disappointed in you, and you will go to great lengths to insure others are pleased with you.

10.  You are not free, and you are bound by others expectations of you.

11.  You are devastated if someone disapproves of something you have done or not done.

12.  The needs and well-being of others takes precedence over your needs and well-being.

Freedom from insecurity and people-pleasing comes from knowing and believing what Christ says about you, and allowing God to heal the roots of your insecurity. People do what they do for a reason. It is not enough to have head knowledge about what Christ says about you. You must believe what Christ says about you.

MEDITATE ON THESE SCRIPTURES:

Yet at the same time many even among the leaders believed in Him. But because of the Pharisees they would not confess their faith for fear they would be put out of the synagogue; for they loved the praise from men more than praise from God. John 12: 42-43

Fearing God is a dangerous trap, but trusting the Lord means safety. Proverbs 29:25

Daily Encouragement: Counselor’s Corner by Stephanie R. Reck, LMSW, LBT, BCCC January 26, 2017

It Is Okay to Say, “No”!

I had decided this week that I need to buckle down and focus on my writing again after taking time off during the holidays, going through a lengthy illness and a death in the family. I was determined to keep on track, no matter what! I had already made my schedule out for the week, and on Thursday afternoon my mother called and wanted to go to lunch on Friday. I considered strongly forgoing my schedule and going to lunch with her. Yes, I know it is just lunch but my mother lives an hour away from me, so I could not have her come all the way over my way and only meet for an hour. I wrestled back and forth with should I go or not. I know I already committed to staying on task this week, but my mother asked me to lunch. Before I called her, I looked at my schedule and I prayed. I asked God to give me wisdom in what I should do, and I felt very strong that I was to keep my already commitments for the week and tell her, “I would not be able to meet her for lunch.” I began to feel guilty about telling her no. Where was this guilt coming from? It is just lunch for heaven’s sake!

Reflect and ponder: Are you a people-pleaser? Do you have trouble saying no to others? Are you able to let down others gently without the guilt?

Counselor’s Corner:

Get to the “roots” of why you have difficulty saying no.

1.      No one likes to disappoint others. Fact: If you are pleasing God, rather than man-you will inevitably disappoint people. It is important to seek God in what you should or should not do. Here is a clue if you are supposed to do something or not: Do you have peace?

2.      We care what others think of us. We don’t want anyone to think bad thoughts of us. We would all to like and approve of us.

3.      We feel guilty that we did not do what someone wanted us to do, especially if we have the time and the money to do it. Sometimes something can seem right for us to do, but God has put the “brakes” on it. God operates in peace, flow, and an order. If you feel stressed, confused, or anxious about a situation; chances are God is not wanting you a part of whatever it is.

4.      We are people-pleasers. We do whatever anyone wants or asks of us. Even if we don’t have the time or the energy, we still do what is asked of us. We don’t want others to reject us, so believe if we please them, then we won’t get rejected.

5.      We don’t like asking others if we could reschedule for another time because we believe they will think they are not important enough to meet when they can.

Saying no is not always comfortable, but to set limits on your time and to obey what God is telling you to do-you will need to get comfortable saying no. It is okay to say NO! Know your limits, and value your time. If a relationship is hindered after you declined their request, it was not a true relationship (true relationships are supportive and respectful).

If you are involved in ministry on any level, you can’t say no, right? Wrong, you can and should seek the wisdom of the Holy Spirit to determine what we should be involved in. I have personally seen too many situations where well-meaning church folk get involved in every serving opportunity, and eventually those people burned-out or stumbled in their walk with God. If you are too busy to spend time with God-you’re too busy! The first ministry we are to serve if we are married is to our spouses, that’s right if you are married and spending more time serving others; it is out of order.

MEDITATE ON THESE SCRIPTURES:

Does this sound as if I am trying to win human approval? No indeed! What I want is God’s approval! Am I trying to be popular with people? If I were still trying to do so, I would not be a servant of Christ. Galatians 1:10

Fearing people is a dangerous trap, but trusting the Lord means safety. Proverbs 29:25.

What Does Freedom in Jesus Look Like?

 Have you truly experienced the Lord’s freedom for your life?
 

If you are free in Christ:

 You are not bound by people’s approval or opinions. 

 You are able to say, “No” to others without guilt and condemnation.

            You follow what Christ wants for you-not man.

            You don’t adhere to legalism or religion.

            You have appropriate boundaries with others.

            You don’t feel you should have, ought to or could have done.

            You don’t try and fulfill the needs and expectations of others.

            You don’t fear man and what they may think of you.

            You are led by the Holy Spirit concerning all things.

Being free in Christ means you can have a personal and intimate walk with Jesus, not conformed to be like someone else. We are all unique, one-of-kind creations.

Not everyone will be happy or pleased when you begin walking in freedom. Some people will try and hold on with control, manipulation or guilt. When you begin to flow in the Holy Spirit’s will for your life, don’t be surprised if the people in your life get upset. People, situations, and circumstances will try and keep you bound, but who can contain the work of the Holy Spirit? The Holy Spirit goes and does what it wants. Be tuned-in to the Holy Spirit, not other’s expectations for you.

If you are to be a follower of Christ and not people, you will have to let some people down. That may be difficult if you are accustomed to people pleasing, but you can have an abundance of joy and peace when you begin to walk in freedom.

You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve on another in love. Galatians 5:13, NIV

I’m No Longer a People-Pleaser!

Most people have an insecurity about saying, “No” to people and their requests. We do not want to let people down, or we do not want people think badly of us; which is another way to say we are people pleasers. Sometimes, we can, “Yes” to things that are not spirit-led.

As Christians, we often think a good request or act of service should be performed by us. 85% of what we do can be done by somebody else that means we often take more of a load than we should. That does not mean we do nothing, but often we “follow the crowd,” and are swayed by what others want from us. We look to other people to see what we should be doing. How about instead of following the crowd and being swayed by other people that you follow the guidance of the Holy Spirit and do and go where He wants. You will be surprised what God will take off your plate to lighten your load. But too often, we never ask God what He wants us to do, we instead listen to what others want from us or follow what others are doing.

When you follow Christ, your activities and schedules may not look like everyone else’s.

 You have to get comfortable that you may be different because you are not following what people want. So many times, people are involved in numerous activities, committees, and services because they have a need to be validated, get recognition, and prove their worth. In a lot of cases, these people end-up too busy to spend needed time being refreshed and renewed in the Father’s presence, and their cups run empty and they are doing from an “empty cup.” It is wise that we do not let our cups run empty going and doing “good works” that we forget our relationship with Jesus, our families, and taking care of ourselves. Yes, it may seem selfish to prioritize this way when others are in need and we have the answers and the time to help, but everything should be in balance. If your priorities are out of balance, you will be out of balance.

It is never wise to serve and extend yourself if you are empty and depleted.

Learning to tell others “No” is a step to finding your worth in Christ alone, and not based on what others think of you. Be aware that other people may not like you saying “No,” some may get offended, but your true friends and family will understand without pressure, guilt, coercion, or manipulation. We should all give each other the freedom to make choices that are best for us.

Everyone has boundaries but not everyone implements them. Some people have a need to always be doing and going, and expect everyone else to do the same. However, we are not built like one another, and some cannot go at the pace and speed of others. In our Western culture we have more heart disease and stress as a country as a whole compared to others, because we are always striving to keep up, get more, and we do not know how to rest and be still.

Resting brings peace and with rest and stillness it opens you more to hearing the voice of God.

So many people say they cannot hear God, and it is because they cannot get still enough. Most of the time their cell phones, iPads, or other electronic device keeps them distracted. Let’s not follow everyone else and what they are doing, but let us take time to step away from the crowds and distractions to hear the voice of the Lord.

Reflection Questions:

1.      Do you say, “Yes” to other’s request for fear of letting them down? Fear of losing their approval? Or fear they will be upset with you?

2.      Are you a God-pleaser or a people-pleaser? Do you pray before giving someone an answer to their request? (It is okay to say, “I need to pray about that; let me get back to you.”)

3.      Do you follow what everybody else is doing or do you follow the leading of the Holy Spirit? (An example would be, everyone at your church just signed up for a class, you don’t pray about whether God wants you there, you sign up because you feel like you should do what everyone else is doing).

4.      Do you lack boundaries? Do you have insecurity/lack of confidence? (These questions will give you insight why you may have difficulty saying “No.”). Ask the Holy Spirit to show you why you may have difficulty saying “No.”

Let’s look at some truths:

1.      You cannot do and be what everybody else wants. Your confidence comes from Christ, not what you do or who you can please. Always pray and seek God before committing yourself to something, even if it seems good. You do not have to give somebody an answer immediately, they can wait!

2.      It is okay to say “No, “and not feel bad. We are all created differently and have different needs. Some good responses are: “ Now is not a good time, I need to pray about that and get back with you, I need to pray first, No, thank you, or maybe another time.” In doing this, you are setting boundaries with others. If you do not set boundaries with others, you could end up exhausted, overwhelmed, and taken advantage of.

3.      It is okay to not sign-up, join, or attend every activity at church, with friends, or with family. The key is not copy what others are doing, and be God-led.

4.      It is also okay to say “No” to company and surprise visits by others. It is okay to say “No” to company that wants to drop in unexpectedly or without much notice. Do not feel bad if you need to say “No.” You may need rest, time alone with God and your family, or you may need extra time to prepare, and all is okay. Do not compare yourself to someone who could at the “drop of a hat” be ready for unexpected company. If God gives you the grace, strength and peace for company then you know and you will have it, if not it is not going to be fun for you or them.

If you feel pressure, guilt, condemnation, or manipulation from others to conform to what they want from you, then it is time to set some clear boundaries, and possibly some consequences if that type of behavior continues. A consequence could be separating yourself for a time or not engaging frequently with ones who would invade your boundaries.

People who lack boundaries do not care if they take your time and energy, so you must protect your boundaries and be able to tell others “No,” and be okay with that.