Counselor's Corner: Freedom from False Guilt

 False guilt tells you that you have done something wrong when you have not.

People who are codependent suffer from false guilt more than others do.

Codependents have internalized shame, which fosters a guilty conscience when they are not able to fulfill others needs. Codependents are especially hard on themselves and tend to feel guilty when they are not able to meet everyone’s demands. Codependents are easily manipulated and receive the blame from other people for not complying with their wishes. Codependents are usually the ones who say that they are sorry and try to make peace in order to avoid other’s being upset or disappointed with them.

Codependents feel guilty for not doing enough or giving enough. Codependents usually are connected to relationships that are unhealthy and that foster enabling type of behaviors. Codependents rarely feel free to say, “No,” and when they do they are loaded down with guilt. Codependents often hear internal statements such as, “you should be, you ought to, you need to, and/or you could have.”

Many codependents will go to great lengths to please others, often at the expense of their health, energy and finances.

Codependents feel responsible for others, including fixing and solving other people’s problems. Allowing other people to suffer consequences of their poor choices is most difficult for the codependent, as they will often come to the rescue of the one who needs recuing. Unfortunately, the one who needs recuing knows that the rescuer is kind-hearted and compassionate and will take advantage of this. Codependents often feel guilty for others actions and behaviors.

Codependents deny their needs and will place others needs and wants first. If you are a Christian, the sense of false guilt can be more extreme since there is a belief that Christians should give and give until there is nothing left to give. As a Christian, giving to others should be sacrificial and more importantly Holy Spirit led. God does not expect you to meet every want or need that comes in your path, sometimes God needs to work in that person’s life without your intervention. The enemy will send people in your path to distract you, derail you, and exhaust you. As a Christian, it is imperative that you are in tune with the Holy Spirit as to who to help and how to help. Especially for those who keep coming to you to have their “leaky cups” filled. A leaky cup has to be filled up often, and if you continue to pour into others leaky cups, you can become exhausted.

Codependents feel anxiety and guilt when other people have problems. Codependents will feel compelled to help solve other’s problems, including offering unwanted advice and suggestions. Codependents anticipate others needs and figure out ways to help with those needs. Codependents will abandon their routine to respond to or do something for someone else, and when they don’t, they feel guilty.

When something goes wrong, the codependent will blame themselves, which leads to guilt. Codependents feel guilty if they take care of themselves or spend money on themselves, because they should be helping others with their money and time.

Guilt should not preoccupy your thoughts. If you are playing over and over in your head why you had to set a boundary or could not fulfill a need, this can lead to depression, shame and self-punishment. Self-punishment can come in the form of not enjoying your life or allowing yourself to laugh. Self-punishment that stems from guilt says, “why should you be having fun and laughing when you should be (fill in the blank).

Guilt saps energy and the joy out of life.

Codependents who continue to rescue, problem-solve, help others relentlessly, and feel guilt for saying no or setting boundaries; not only will experience false guilt but lethargy, depression, hopelessness, anxiety, worry, escapism, sickness and mental/emotional problems. Some codependents get so physically and mentally drained that they have thoughts of suicide.

Freedom from codependency is possible, and important for your overall mental, emotional and spiritual well-being. If you are feeling emotionally, mentally and/or physically exhausted from repeatedly recusing, problem-solving and feeling guilty for not doing for others, then you must get serious about your freedom from codependency.

Freedom from false guilt starts with asking yourself the following questions:

·         Do you have a sense of peace about helping or do you feel pressure or a lack of peace?

·         Do you have strength? Spiritual, physical and/or mental?

·         Do you have an inner knowing deep inside from Holy Spirit that you should be doing this or that?

·         Do you have to figure out what you should do, or is the solution to the problem illuminated and you just know what to do?

·         Have you asked God if you should help? What did He tell you to do? Listen carefully because God does speak to His children.

·         Do you feel responsible for offering the solution to someone’s problem? If someone does not directly ask you for advice or help-don’t give it. Don’t try and figure out ways to help but be still and wait for God to show you. It is very likely if you have repeatedly intervened and helped someone, God will likely have you to pray but not physically or finically intervene.

·         Are you able to place boundaries in relationships without feeling like you’re doing something wrong?

·         Are you able to say to others request and not feel guilty for doing so?

·         Do you tend to condemn yourself if you are not pleasing others?

If you do not have the promoting of the Holy Spirit to intervene then move on and enjoy your life without punishing yourself. It is okay to set boundaries, to say no, and to have limits. Know your limits. Know when your helping is no longer helping but instead just placing a bandage over that you would have to replace over and over again. God is capable of helping the ones we love. God works in peace, flow, order, grace and strength, and the enemy works in disorder, chaos, drama, turmoil, pressure and guilt. Guilt never comes from God. God convicts us of sin but does not load us down with heaps of guilt. If you feel guilt for not helping, doing for others or setting boundaries, check the source!

Word of Encouragement: Counselor’s Corner: Be Free From Entanglements with Others!

We are called to be Holy and to live righteously before God. We are also called to be a light in this dark world, but what happens when you become entangled in helping others?

Merriam-Webster defines entanglement as something that entangles, confuses, or ensnares. The condition of being deeply involved. Synonyms for entanglement are web, mesh, net, noose, quicksand, snare, toil, and trap.

Free Dictionary defines entanglement as twisting together or entwine into a confusing mass. To complicate or confuse.

Have you ever tried to help someone repeatedly and felt you were getting entangled in their problems?

The more you try and help the more you feel like you are getting into quicksand and you feel there is no answer to their situations, which in turn causes you frustration. You start second guessing if you are a “real Christian.” You feel a sense of false guilt over not being able to cope and handle all the problems that others bring to you. Many times the very people you are entangled with are piling heaps of guilt and manipulation upon you. This is especially difficult when dealing with loved ones and family. There is a deeper entanglement that comes from the ones we love. We don’t want them to suffer and to hurt, but what happens when all the helping is not helping but hurting you?

The enemy will bring situations and people into you path to distract and derail your purposes. There are some signs to watch for when you have gone too deep with someone.

1.      Did you feel prompted by the Holy Spirit to intervene or was it pressure from the other person or a desire to please?

2.      Are you struggling with your walk with God? Feeling spiritually bankrupt? Your time with God is lacking and you are having trouble focusing on hearing God’s voice.

3.      You may feel discouraged, defeated, and like a failure.

4.      You feel stress, turmoil, tension, strife, chaos, and confusion.

5.      You can’t seem to get a clear or direct answer from the person you are trying to help. It seems when you talk with the person you are trying to help it appears muddy or confusing.

6.      You may experience fatigue and even sickness.

7.      The person you are trying to help does not listen to the advice you are trying to give to them, and they continue to do what they are doing; meanwhile still wanting you to fix their problems.

8.      You begin to feel frustrated, irritable, and maybe even angry.

9.      You are consumed with trying to intervene, and maybe even losing sleep as a result. Your focus is on their situation, and not on Christ.

10.  Your peace is gone and joy has dissipated.

11.  No amount of intervention or help is never enough for the person or people you are entangled with.

12.  You feel emotionally, physically and spiritually drained.

13.  You feel distracted and out of balance.

14.   You feel like you are on an emotional roller coaster ride with their issues.

15.  You try and point them to Jesus but discern they are not sincere in seeking Him.

You may be dealing with a toxic person. To get entangled in a toxic person’s issues is dangerous to your mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being. Not all people who say they want help, in fact really want help.

If the Holy Spirit is leading you, there will be harmony, peace, and a desire to be around the other person you are trying to help. If you begin to dread being around that person or talking to them, it is a sign that it is not a healthy relationship and the Holy Spirit is not directing you.

Restoration and reconciliation are always hoped for in these types of relationships, but until Christ is at the center some precautions need to be made for your sanity.

1.      Take a time-out from these destructive relationships. Regain your peace and order. Ask the Lord Jesus to step-in and take full control, and you step out before you go under with them.

2.      Confront in love. The person that repeatedly causes drama and chaos in your life should be confronted as the Holy Spirit directs. Don’t do this in anger, but with the hope of true repentance.

3.      Set proper boundaries and consequences. This is important in dealing with ones who say they are sorry but continue to repeat the same behaviors over and over again. You will need to keep a guard up, and observe their behavior for a time (a solid year of consistent behavior is a good indication of true change), before realigning your life to theirs.

4.      Keep in mind that Jesus is not expecting to wear yourself out to help others who are not really helping themselves.

5.      Begin taking care of you and foster the good and positive relationships in your life. Stay away from toxic and negative people as much as possible. Nurture yourself and love yourself.

6.      Many times when we are engaged with other toxic people we neglect our other relationships that are satisfying. Take time to rebuild and restore satisfying relationships.

7.      Forgive yourself and let go of all guilt. Guilt is a tool straight from the pit of hell. It NEVER comes from God.

Remain in love and forgiveness towards ones who abuse and hurt you. Don’t allow any bitterness or anger to cause you to stumble.

Sometimes we have to “let go and let God,” and that can include letting go of people who really don’t want help.

Stand fast in the liberty wherewith Christ hath made us free, and not to be entangled again with the yoke of bondage. Galatians 5:1, KJV

Soldiers don’t get tied up in the affairs of civilian life, for then they cannot please the officer who enlisted them. 2 Timothy 2:4, NLT

Counselor’s Corner: Freedom from Insecurity and People-Pleasing

Be a God pleaser, not a man pleaser.

Reflect and ponder: Are you more concerned with pleasing man than God? Do you seek the approval of others? At the core of people pleasing is insecurity. We can be insecure for a number of reasons. Insecurity can have roots stemming back from our childhood.

Counselor’s corner: How do you know you are dealing with insecurity?

Here are some key signs insecurity may be a part of your life:

1.      You question everything you do. You are uncomfortable with decisions you make.

You look to others to decide what’s best for you.

2.      You lack confidence in speaking and having conversations with others, and social settings make you feel uneasy.

3.      You look to others to approve you and to validate you.

4.      You always believe you’re at fault and take the blame when things go wrong.

5.      You don’t know who you are in Christ. Your identity is based not on what God says about you, but on what others say about you.

6.      You believe what others say about you, whether good or bad.

7.      You are overly sensitive to needing others to approve of you and sensitive to criticism, even constructive criticism.

8.      You live in constant fear and you lack trust for others and even God.

All these insecurities can lead to people pleasing and eventually lead to approval addiction. It is important that you know who you are in Christ, and that you allow the Holy Spirit to uncover your roots of insecurity so that you can be healed and function the way God intended. If you do not believe what God says about you, you will believe what others say about you. This is especially true of people that have been verbally/emotionally abused and verbally bullied by peers. Young people today are being “cyber bullied” and many young people succumb to these taunts and torments. These bullies are acting as agents and mouthpieces of the kingdom of darkness. God would never ridicule, torment or verbally abuse us.

People approval will lead you to do things that are not led by the Holy Spirit. 

So many people succumb to peer pressure, and not just young people. I have seen grown people succumb to the pressure of people in the church. If you are not lead by the Holy Spirit you will end up exhausted, frustrated, stressed and burnt-out. People will always want you to fulfill their agenda, but what is most important is what God wants you to do. You may have to say “No” to people and set boundaries. It is okay to say “No.” You have choices and you don’t have to lead by the feelings and desires of man, but instead God gives us wisdom and discernment to know what we should be involved in.

You are not called to be everywhere, do everything, and fulfill the wants of others. Ask yourself if you have peace. If peace is not involved, chances are God is not a part of it.

It is hard not to desire to be liked and approved of others, especially the ones we love and are closest to. We don’t want them to think bad of us or be angry at us. It does not matter what others say or think of you. Others are going to have their opinion about you, and a lot of times there is not a whole lot you can do about it, but you can pray that God softens their hearts towards you.

If you continue to be judged, misunderstood, or just treated unfair because you’re setting boundaries and learning to say “No”, than it is a matter between them and God.

Key Characteristics of a People-Pleaser:

1.      More concerned about pleasing others than God or yourself.

2.      Not lead by peace but by emotions/feelings.

3.      Let others control and manipulate you.

4.      Easily influenced by what others want.

5.      Can’t say “No” to others demands or desires.

6.      Lack boundaries with others. Hard time separating self from others.

7.      Feel guilty if you ever do say “No.”

8.      Have issues with rejection, insecurity and fear.

9.      Don’t want anyone to be mad at you or disappointed in you, and you will go to great lengths to insure others are pleased with you.

10.  You are not free, and you are bound by others expectations of you.

11.  You are devastated if someone disapproves of something you have done or not done.

12.  The needs and well-being of others takes precedence over your needs and well-being.

Freedom from insecurity and people-pleasing comes from knowing and believing what Christ says about you, and allowing God to heal the roots of your insecurity. People do what they do for a reason. It is not enough to have head knowledge about what Christ says about you. You must believe what Christ says about you.

MEDITATE ON THESE SCRIPTURES:

Yet at the same time many even among the leaders believed in Him. But because of the Pharisees they would not confess their faith for fear they would be put out of the synagogue; for they loved the praise from men more than praise from God. John 12: 42-43

Fearing God is a dangerous trap, but trusting the Lord means safety. Proverbs 29:25

Counselor’s Corner: God Convicts But Never Condemns!

You may have failed at a relationship, a ministry opportunity, or in another area of your life. God makes messes out of our mistakes, but the enemy whispers in our ears,” You shouldn’t have done that, now you’ve really messed up.” If we listen to the voice of the accuser for any length of time, we begin to get discouraged and not want to take any more risks or chances in life.

As important as it is to forgive others, we must forgive ourselves! Even if you sinned against God and others, all that you need to do is sincerely repent and turn from that sin. God may convict us in an area of our lives to bring us back into a right relationship with Him, but never to condemn us. When God convicts it is done lovingly, gently, and with a way out. When the enemy condemns there is discouragement, feelings of inadequacy and failure, and no way to rectify the situation.

Condemnation leads us believe that we will never change and we are not worthy of God’s love. The reality, Christians mess-up, fail, and are prone to weaknesses at times, but God picks us back up and gently shows us our error and He points us back on the right road.

Condemnation causes us to wallow in self-pity. You may hear a faint whisper, “Poor you, you just can’t get it together.” God however says, “Learn, grow and get up again my child.” When the enemy condemns he is harsh, unloving, and unrelenting of reminding us of our mistakes. The enemy likes to rip open old wounds and pour his bitter salt over them, but don’t be deceived he will not give you the exact package of old wounds every time; he repackages them. The enemy is a master deceiver, he likes to use what is in our past to inflict us. Why would the enemy use new tactics when the old tactics still work? The enemy knows your blueprint and has studied what schemes have worked before to trip you up. If you have battled with rejection, unworthiness or inadequacy, best believe the enemy will expose those weak areas. The exposure comes only to condemn you, to make you feel like quitting and giving up, and for you to come into agreement with the lies of the enemy, “what’s the use, I will always mess up. I am a failure.”

The enemy uses your past hurts, wounds and other weak areas to remind you that you have not really changed when current similar incidents transpire. The enemy loves to use our past against us. There may be times we do fall back, but if we get back up and continue on the race set before us, the enemy can’t use our sin against us any longer.

Why does the enemy condemn? To cause us to shriek back, turn inwards, and give up. If you ever hear yourself saying “What’s the point…I will fail anyways,” the enemy is behind it. Most likely if you are moving forward, beating some sin habit in your life, or choosing to serve Christ over man, and then a “hiccup” occurs to throw you off balance. The enemy gets you cornered by bringing relentless distractions and then you blow-up. You did not mean to get angry or lose your peace or even say something negatively about the person who has now rubbed you wronged for the tenth time, but you did and the enemy comes in to capitalize on your weakness and sends condemnation like, “Who do you think you are? You call yourself a Christian? You really blew it this time” We all have weaknesses and areas that bend and try us, we will at times fail. During those times where we fail, it is important that we get back up quickly in the fight, don’t stay down. You may have been knocked down, but don’t stay there-get up! It can be more difficult to climb out of a pit, then just tripping over the pit and then moving past the pit.

Reflect and ponder: Are you feeling bad about yourself over a situation that you have already asked God to forgive you for but it continues to fester and cause those wounds to be exposed again and again? Are you listening to the lies of the enemy (the accuser of the brethren) over the voice of truth? What are you listening to in your ear that then penetrates your very soul? Do you believe that you really are a bad_____________ (you fill in the blank) and deserve to be alone or it is your fault the way things have turned out?

Counselor’s Corner: If you have let the voice of the accuser condemn you, it is time to get washed in the truth of what God says. You may not initially believe what God is saying, but speak the Word of God over your life, and the lies of the enemy will have to bow down to the truth. If you have already asked God to forgive you, there is no need to keep revisiting the should have, could have or ought to have-these keep you tied to your past and bring condemnation.   

To condemn means to pronounce guilty and convict means convince of error or sinfulness. If we have been made in right standing through the shed blood of Jesus Christ then our sins are under the blood of Christ. Does that mean we can continue in sin after receiving Christ? No, it means that when we do sin, we can go straight to our Father and ask for His forgiveness and He no longer remembers that sin. It is the accuser who torments us with past sins that we have already been forgiven for. The enemy reminds us we are not worthy to receive such grace for our sins and weaknesses. His love, grace, and forgiveness are limitless. We are not perfect, in fact, really far from perfection. We will stumble, we will sin, and we will expose our own weaknesses, and because of that we are in desperate need of a Savior who can forgive and cleanse us when we do falter.

MEDIATE ON THESE SCRIPTURES:

• You were not a mistake, for all your days are written in my book. Psalm 139:15-16
• You are fearfully and wonderfully made. Psalm 139:14
• You are not condemned by God. Romans 8:1
• You can never be separated from God’s love. Romans 8:39
• You are a child of God. John 1:12
• You have been justified-completely forgiven and made righteous. Romans 5:1

Daily Encouragement: Counselor’s Corner by Stephanie R. Reck, LMSW, LBT, BCCC January 26, 2017

It Is Okay to Say, “No”!

I had decided this week that I need to buckle down and focus on my writing again after taking time off during the holidays, going through a lengthy illness and a death in the family. I was determined to keep on track, no matter what! I had already made my schedule out for the week, and on Thursday afternoon my mother called and wanted to go to lunch on Friday. I considered strongly forgoing my schedule and going to lunch with her. Yes, I know it is just lunch but my mother lives an hour away from me, so I could not have her come all the way over my way and only meet for an hour. I wrestled back and forth with should I go or not. I know I already committed to staying on task this week, but my mother asked me to lunch. Before I called her, I looked at my schedule and I prayed. I asked God to give me wisdom in what I should do, and I felt very strong that I was to keep my already commitments for the week and tell her, “I would not be able to meet her for lunch.” I began to feel guilty about telling her no. Where was this guilt coming from? It is just lunch for heaven’s sake!

Reflect and ponder: Are you a people-pleaser? Do you have trouble saying no to others? Are you able to let down others gently without the guilt?

Counselor’s Corner:

Get to the “roots” of why you have difficulty saying no.

1.      No one likes to disappoint others. Fact: If you are pleasing God, rather than man-you will inevitably disappoint people. It is important to seek God in what you should or should not do. Here is a clue if you are supposed to do something or not: Do you have peace?

2.      We care what others think of us. We don’t want anyone to think bad thoughts of us. We would all to like and approve of us.

3.      We feel guilty that we did not do what someone wanted us to do, especially if we have the time and the money to do it. Sometimes something can seem right for us to do, but God has put the “brakes” on it. God operates in peace, flow, and an order. If you feel stressed, confused, or anxious about a situation; chances are God is not wanting you a part of whatever it is.

4.      We are people-pleasers. We do whatever anyone wants or asks of us. Even if we don’t have the time or the energy, we still do what is asked of us. We don’t want others to reject us, so believe if we please them, then we won’t get rejected.

5.      We don’t like asking others if we could reschedule for another time because we believe they will think they are not important enough to meet when they can.

Saying no is not always comfortable, but to set limits on your time and to obey what God is telling you to do-you will need to get comfortable saying no. It is okay to say NO! Know your limits, and value your time. If a relationship is hindered after you declined their request, it was not a true relationship (true relationships are supportive and respectful).

If you are involved in ministry on any level, you can’t say no, right? Wrong, you can and should seek the wisdom of the Holy Spirit to determine what we should be involved in. I have personally seen too many situations where well-meaning church folk get involved in every serving opportunity, and eventually those people burned-out or stumbled in their walk with God. If you are too busy to spend time with God-you’re too busy! The first ministry we are to serve if we are married is to our spouses, that’s right if you are married and spending more time serving others; it is out of order.

MEDITATE ON THESE SCRIPTURES:

Does this sound as if I am trying to win human approval? No indeed! What I want is God’s approval! Am I trying to be popular with people? If I were still trying to do so, I would not be a servant of Christ. Galatians 1:10

Fearing people is a dangerous trap, but trusting the Lord means safety. Proverbs 29:25.

What Does Freedom in Jesus Look Like?

 Have you truly experienced the Lord’s freedom for your life?
 

If you are free in Christ:

 You are not bound by people’s approval or opinions. 

 You are able to say, “No” to others without guilt and condemnation.

            You follow what Christ wants for you-not man.

            You don’t adhere to legalism or religion.

            You have appropriate boundaries with others.

            You don’t feel you should have, ought to or could have done.

            You don’t try and fulfill the needs and expectations of others.

            You don’t fear man and what they may think of you.

            You are led by the Holy Spirit concerning all things.

Being free in Christ means you can have a personal and intimate walk with Jesus, not conformed to be like someone else. We are all unique, one-of-kind creations.

Not everyone will be happy or pleased when you begin walking in freedom. Some people will try and hold on with control, manipulation or guilt. When you begin to flow in the Holy Spirit’s will for your life, don’t be surprised if the people in your life get upset. People, situations, and circumstances will try and keep you bound, but who can contain the work of the Holy Spirit? The Holy Spirit goes and does what it wants. Be tuned-in to the Holy Spirit, not other’s expectations for you.

If you are to be a follower of Christ and not people, you will have to let some people down. That may be difficult if you are accustomed to people pleasing, but you can have an abundance of joy and peace when you begin to walk in freedom.

You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve on another in love. Galatians 5:13, NIV

Christians That Get Entangled

We are called to be Holy and to live righteously before God. We are also called to be a light in this dark world, but what happens when you become entangled in helping others? Merriam-Webster defines entanglement as something that entangles, confuses, or ensnares. The condition of being deeply involved. Synonyms for entanglement are web, mesh, net, noose, quicksand, snare, toil, and trap. Free Dictionary defines entanglement as twisting together or entwine into a confusing mass. To complicate or confuse.

Being entangled makes you feel
like you are in a web.

Have you ever tried to help someone repeatedly and felt you were getting entangled in their problems? The more you try and help the more you feel like you are getting into quicksand and you feel there is no answer to their situations, which in turn causes you frustration. You start second guessing if you are a “real Christian.” You feel a sense of guilt over not being able to cope and handle all the problems that others bring to you. Many times the very people you are entangled with are piling heaps of guilt and manipulation upon you. This is especially difficult when dealing with loved ones and family. There is a deeper entanglement that comes from the ones we love. We don’t want them to suffer and to hurt, but what happens when all the helping is not helping but hurting you?

The enemy will bring situations and people into you path to distract and derail your purposes. There are some signs to watch for when you have gone too deep with someone.

1.      Did you feel prompted by the Holy Spirit to intervene or was it pressure from the other person or a desire to please?

2.      Are you struggling with your walk with God? Feeling spiritually bankrupt? Youth time with God is lacking and you are having trouble focusing on hearing God’s voice.

3.      You may feel discouraged, defeated, and like a failure.

4.      You are not sure God called you be in ministry and you lose your desire to minister.

5.      You feel stress, turmoil, tension, strife, chaos, and confusion.

6.      You can’t seem to get a clear or direct answer from the person you are trying to help. It seems when you talk with person you are trying to help it is muddy.

7.      You may experience fatigue and even sickness.

8.      The person you are trying to help does not listen to the advice you are trying to give to them, and they continue to do what they are doing; meanwhile still wanting you to fix their problems.

9.      You begin to feel frustrated, irritable, and maybe even angry.

10.  You are consumed with trying to intervene, and maybe even losing sleep as a result. Your focus is on their situation, and not on Christ.

11.  Your peace is gone and joy has dissipated.

12.  No amount of intervention or help is never enough for the person or people you are entangled with.

13.  You feel emotionally, physically and spiritually drained.

14.  You feel distracted and out of balance.

15.   You feel like you are on an emotional roller coaster ride with their issues.

16.  You try and point them to Jesus but discern they are not sincere in seeking Him.

You may be dealing with a toxic person. If you do not do what they want you to do, and they resort to anger, name calling, belittling, or guilt; that is a trait of a toxic person. To get entangled in a toxic person’s issues is dangerous to your mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being. Not all people who say they want help, in fact really want help. Some people are used by the agents of hell to entangle you and ensnare you. A HALLMARK OF A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP IS BOTH RECEIVE AND BOTH GIVE. There is also harmony, peace, and a desire to be around the other person. If you begin to dread being around that person or talking to them, it is a sign that it is not a healthy relationship.

Restoration and reconciliation are always hoped for in these types of relationships, but until Christ is at the center some precautions need to be made for your sanity.

1.      Take a time-out from these destructive relationships. Regain your peace and order. Ask the Lord Jesus to step-in and take full control, and you step out before you go under with them.

2.    Confront in love. The person that repeatedly causes drama and chaos in your life should be confronted as the Holy Spirit directs. Don’t do this in anger, but with the hope of true repentance.

3.     Set proper boundaries and consequences. This is important in dealing with ones who say they are sorry but continue to repeat the same behaviors over and over again. You will need to keep a guard up, and observe their behavior for a time (a solid year of consistent behavior is a good indication of true change), before realigning your life to theirs.

4.      Keep in mind that Jesus is not expecting to wear yourself out to help others who are not really helping themselves.

5.      Begin taking care of you and foster the good and positive relationships in your life. Stay away from toxic and negative people as much as possible. Nurture yourself and love yourself.

6.      Many times when we are engaged with other toxic people we neglect our other relationships that are satisfying. Take time to rebuild and restore satisfying relationships.

7.      Forgive yourself and let go of all guilt. Guilt is a tool straight from the pit of hell. It NEVER comes from God.

Stand fast in the liberty wherewith Christ hath made us free, and not to be entangled again with the yoke of bondage. Galatians 5:1, KJV

Soldiers don’t get tied up in the affairs of civilian life, for then they cannot please the officer who enlisted them. 2 Timothy 2:4, NLT