Counselor's Corner: Bringing Your Life into Balance

Have you noticed in your life that when you get too little or too much of something, your life gets out of balance?

→There are many ways that your life can get out of balance. Check as many that apply          to you:

·         Work demands

·         Extended family obligations

·         Church functions and/or volunteer opportunities

·         Watching too much TV, texting/checking emails constantly and/or social media

·         No time for fun or relaxation

·         Giving of self to others when your “cup is empty”

·         Little quality time with spouse

·         Eating too much junk food

·         Little or no exercising

·         Time spent with God is little or infrequent

Any others that may apply to you?

Life happens and sometimes curveballs come your way and you get completely out of balance. The goal is then to not stay out of balance.

Recognize the signs of being out of balance so that you may immediately get back in balance.

Signs you are out of balance:

1.      Tiredness, excessively sleepy or fatigued.

2.      Difficult concentrating or staying focused.

3.      Short-fused, irritable and/or easily frustrated.

4.      Feel tense; back and/or neck pain.

5.      Trouble laughing or smiling.

6.      Find yourself complaining and grumbling more.

7.      Difficulty enjoying the simple things of life.

8.      Overall just do not feel well.

9.      Experience high levels of stress.

How to get your life back in balance:

·         Recognize when you are out of balance.

·         Place God first above all. Spend daily time with God.

·         Prioritize what is most important-God, spouse, family, work/ministry.

·         Take a Sabbath (rest) once a week. That’s right, once a week, relax and do nothing stressful or work related.

·         Take a day off of work, or a long weekend.

·         Start exercising regularly and eating a balanced diet.

·         Be okay with saying, “No,” when you need to, and don’t feel bad when you have to!

·         Do something that you enjoy.

·         Decrease time with energy-draining people and increase time with others who inspire, encourage and lift you up.

·         Set limits on your time-phone calls, texts, emails and social media.

You will know when you are back in balance when your heart rate, breathing and blood pressure are normal. Your sleep is restful and replenishing. You have energy, have motivation and have creativity again. You do not feel tense, stress or anxiety. You are able to laugh and enjoy the simple pleasures of life.

Word of Encouragement: Counselor’s Corner: Have you truly experienced Christ’s freedom?

What does God’s freedom look like?

 If you are free in Christ you are not bound by people’s opinion or approval of you; you follow Christ not man’s desires for you; you are not bound by guilt and condemnation; and you are not bound by religion.

You have been free to have a personal, intimate walk with Christ. You are able to say, “No” to others easily if you feel God is leading you elsewhere or you don’t have peace in a situation. God may be calling you to rest and be renewed with Him instead of going to that church function or get-together with friends or family. You have appropriate boundaries with others, including your family. You don’t feel you should be, ought to be, or could be doing anything. Instead, you are led by the Spirit of God to direct you to do something. You are less concerned about people pleasing and more concerned about pleasing God. You no longer try and fulfill the needs and expectations of others, but instead focus on fulfilling God’s plans for your life.

Not everyone will be happy or pleased when you begin walking in freedom. Some people will try and hold on to controlling, manipulating and guiling you in to their plans. When you begin to flow in the Holy Spirit’s will for  life, don’t be surprised if people in your life get upset that you are not doing what they want. People, situations, and circumstances will try and keep you bound, but who can contain the work and flow of the Holy Spirit? The Spirit goes and does what it wants.

If you are a follower of Christ and not people, you will have to let some people down. That may difficult for you if you are accustomed to people pleasing and needing the approval of man. Whose approval are you really needing anyways? Hopefully, your answer is God.

You will have an abundance of peace and joy when you begin to live in freedom. You are no longer bound to religious duties and dead-religion, but you are transformed by the living God. You walk in God’s flow and in His ways. You are no longer looking to pleasing man or fulfilling religious duties, but you look to Jesus who leads and guides you.

Break out of your old ways and be completely transformed to live a life of true freedom. If you are free in Christ, you are free to love, to worship and to serve Him. Freedom means you are no longer bound by people approval and addiction; religion not relationship with Christ; guilt and condemnation; fear of disapproval; and fear of man. You are free to be who Christ made you to be, free to follow Christ and His desires and plans for your life. Freedom does not mean we can do anything we so desire, but it means we can follow Christ and what He wants from us. If we follow man, we surely will be misled. Don’t follow man, and don’t follow religion. There is no freedom in being bound by religion. Religion follows after a set of rules, duties and regulations but following after Christ brings life. In our Western culture, we have many religions and many different sects of Christianity, all can be confusing. We don’t have to be confused, let’s keep it simple, follow Christ not religion or man. Even if your family is from a certain religion or sect of Christianity that follows rules and duties, you can be free and follow just Christ. What freedom that brings.

Christ has set us free to live a free life. So take your stand! Never again let anyone put a harness of slavery on you. I am empathetic about this. The moment any one of you submits to a circumcision or any other rule-keeping system, at that same moment Christ’s hard-won gift of freedom is squandered. I repeat my warning: The person who accepts the ways of circumcision trades all the advantages of the free life in Christ for the obligation of the slave life of the law.

Galatians 5:1-3, the Message Bible

You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love.

Galatians, 5:13, NIV

Why We Don’t Like Disappointing Others

Since I was a little girl I always wanted to please the adults in my life, as I grew older that really did not change much. I do not like letting people down or having to tell anyone, “No.” I fear that that person will get mad at me and think less than positive things about me. I have gotten better over the years of telling others, “No,” but sometimes it still bothers me to tell someone,” I am not able to do that at this time.”

Where does this root of people-pleasing stem from? Insecurity, having a lack of personal boundaries, and the fear of man (caring too much what others think).

But I’m learning IT IS OKAY to disappoint others. When we fail to recognize that we will disappoint others and that is okay, it can lead to stress, fear and worry. We must get comfortable with letting others down. We must be tuned-in to the Holy Spirit so that He can let us know if we are to go here or there. Oftentimes, the Holy Spirit does not speak anything direct to our spirits  but we have a deep inner “knowing,” a settled peace, and there is a natural flow (in other words, you don’t have guilt or try and figure out how you can fit one more thing into your already packed schedule). When we tell others no, they most likely will not like that answer and possibly pout or sulk, but that is not your problem. If someone manipulates you through guilt by their words or even facial and body language you know that is not coming from the Lord.

How can we respond to others disappointing us? If you ask a request of someone and they politely say, “No thank you, I am not going to go this time;” we should respect their response and simply say,” No problem at all.” This can take the guilt of saying no off the person that is declining your invitation. If we get upset either by our words or non-verbal body language, we are sending a guilt message to that person.

We cannot please everyone all the time. We cannot agree to everyone’s request that comes our way and keep our sanity. When someone is disappointed with you, it is out of your control-and it is their problem!

Fear of letting people down will cause you to do things you were not intended to do. We don’t want others to reject us, so we agree to do what is best for them and not necessarily for us. The root of rejection can stem all the way back to our childhood, and if we still carry around that root of rejection we will have a more difficult time disappointing others.

Sometimes we have trouble disappointing others because we don’t want them to feel rejected or hurt, but most people are resilient and will “get over” you saying no to them quickly. We cannot be responsible for how others will take our, “No, thank you.” If there is a mutual respect between two people it will be very easy to say how you really feel and what you can or can’t do. Saying “No” is often most difficult with family, spouses, friends, and your boss. The people we are the closet to are the hardest to disappoint, and that is because we want them to continue to love us, accept us, and think good things about us. However, we should be more concerned about pleasing our Heavenly Father.

Learn to practice saying, “No,” and being okay with disappointing others. If you want everyone to be happy with you ALL the time, you will need to get over that! Not everyone will be happy or pleased with us 100% of the time. If you are putting other’s needs ahead of your own needs, you are setting yourself up for feelings of resentment. Get to the root of why you can’t say, “No” to others. Perhaps you enjoy being liked and validated or just need to feel needed. Getting the approval of others may make you feel like you are a good person. Maybe your main issue is how people will view you. You certainly don’t want to be viewed as lazy, uncaring, or selfish.

You have a choice! You DO NOT have to say, “Yes,” when someone asks something of you. If someone asks you for something it is perfectly OKAY to say,” I need to get back with you on that at a later time.” Don’t give into the demands of pushy people wanting an answer right away. If you do agree to someone’s request, SET A TIME LIMIT. For example, “We can meet Saturday from 12pm-2pm.” If you don’t set limits and boundaries with certain people, your time will be taken advantage of. Some people clearly will manipulate and try and take every advantage of you. You can spot the manipulator by their flattery. You do not have to defend your decision with excessive reasoning. The manipulator will use your reasoning to gain wiggle room to get you to say yes, such as, “Oh, you can do that later. “Don’t apologize for telling someone, “No.” It makes you appear like you are at fault.

You are entitled to your time, your need to rest, and your boundaries. We all have emotional and physical limits, and not everyone knows what they are in our lives. Setting boundaries can include the times we answer our phone, have company, and letting others know they will need to call and ask if they can come over. Yes, others may be disappointed that you have personal boundaries, but they will get over it if they truly respect and love you.

Fearing people is a dangerous trap, but trusting the Lord means safety. Proverbs 29:25, NLT

For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ. Galatians 1:10, ESV

How about you? What do you struggle with the most in disappointing others?

It’s Okay to Say, “No”

Most people have an insecurity about saying, “No” to people and their requests. We do not want to let people down, or we do not want people think badly of us; which is another way to say we are people pleasers. Sometimes, we can, “Yes” to things that are not spirit-led. Doing things to please others can lead to burn-out, exhaustion, and frustration.

Be free to say, "No."

As Christians, we often think a good request or act of service should be performed by us. 85% of what we do can be done by somebody else that means we often take more of a load than we should. That does not mean we do nothing, but often we “follow the crowd,” and are swayed by what others want from us. We look to other people to see what we should be doing. How about instead of following the crowd and being swayed by other people that you follow the guidance of the Holy Spirit and do and go where He wants. You will be surprised what God will take off your plate to lighten your load. But too often, we never ask God what He wants us to do, we instead listen to what others want from us or follow what others are doing. When you follow Christ, your activities and schedules may not look like everyone else’s. You have to get comfortable that you may be different because you are not following what people want. So many times, people are involved in numerous activities, committees, and services because they have a need to be validated, get recognition, and prove their worth. In a lot of cases, these people end-up too busy to spend needed time being refreshed and renewed in the Father’s presence, and their cups run empty and they are doing from an “empty cup.” It is wise that we do not let our cups run empty going and doing “good works” that we forget our relationship with Jesus, our families, and taking care of ourselves. Yes, it may seem selfish to prioritize this way when others are in need and we have the answers and the time to help, but everything should be in balance. If your priorities are out of balance, you will be out of balance. It is never wise to serve and extend yourself if you are empty and depleted.

Learning to tell others “No” is a step to finding your worth in Christ alone, and not based on what others think of you. Be aware that other people may not like you to saying “No,” some may get offended, but your true friends will understand without pressure, guilt, coercion, or manipulation. We should all give each other the freedom to make choices that are best for us.

Everyone has boundaries but not everyone implements them. Some people have a need to always be doing and going, and expect everyone else to do the same. However, we are not built like one another, and some cannot go at the pace and speed of others. In our Western culture we have more heart disease and stress as a country as a whole compared to others, because we are always striving to keep up, get more, and we do not know how to rest and be still. Resting brings peace and with rest and stillness it opens you more to hearing the voice of God. So many people say they cannot hear God, and it is because they cannot get still enough. Most of the time their cell phones, iPads, or other electronic device keeps them distracted. Let’s not follow everyone else and what they are doing, but let us take time to step away from the crowds and distractions to hear the voice of the Lord.

Reflection Questions:

1.    Do you say, “Yes” to other’s request for fear of letting them down? Fear of losing their approval? Or fear they will be upset with you?

2.    Are you a God-pleaser or a people-pleaser? Do you pray before giving someone an answer to their request? (It is okay to say, “I need to pray about that; let me get back to you.”)

3.       Do you follow what everybody else is doing or do you follow the leading of the Holy Spirit? (An example would be, everyone at your church just signed up for a class, you don’t pray about whether God wants you there, you sign up because you feel like you should do what everyone else is doing).

4.    Do you lack boundaries? Do you have insecurity/lack of confidence? (These questions will give you insight why you may have difficulty saying “No.”). Ask the Holy Spirit to show you why you may have difficulty saying “No.”

Let’s look at some truths:

1.      You cannot do and be what everybody else wants. Your confidence comes from Christ, not what you do or who you can please. Always pray and seek God before committing yourself to something, even if it seems good. You do not have to give somebody an answer immediately, they can wait!

2.      It is okay to say “No, “and not feel bad. We are all created differently and have different needs. Some good responses are: “ Now is not a good time, I need to pray about that and get back with you, I need to pray first, No, thank you, or maybe another time.” In doing this, you are setting boundaries with others. If you do not set boundaries with others, you could end up exhausted, overwhelmed, and taken advantage of.

3.      It is okay to not sign-up, join, or attend every activity at church, with friends, or with family. The key is not copy what others are doing, and be God-led.

4.      It is also okay to say “No” to company and surprise visits by others. It is okay to say “No” to company that wants to drop in unexpectedly or without much notice. Do not feel bad if you need to say “No.” You may need rest, time alone with God and your family, or you may need extra time to prepare, and all is okay. Do not compare yourself to someone who could at the “drop of a hat” be ready for unexpected company. If God gives you the grace, strength and peace for company then you know and you will have it, if not it is not going to be fun for you or them.

If you feel pressure, guilt, condemnation, or manipulation from others to conform to what they want from you, then it is time to set some clear boundaries, and possibly some consequences if that type of behavior continues. A consequence could be separating yourself for a time or not engaging frequently with ones who would invade your boundaries. People who lack boundaries do not care if they take your time and energy, so you must protect your boundaries and be able to tell others “No,” and be okay with that.

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