Counselor's Corner: Stop Trying to be Somebody You're Not

I want to be liked, I want to be accepted, and I want to be loved; but the realty is not everyone will. I don’t know about you, but I am uncomfortable when someone does not like or accept me-it can go deep and speak lies such as, “You’re not good enough,” or “There is something wrong with you.” I tend to think if someone does not like me, it must be my fault. As an over-analytical thinker, I will mull over a dozen reasons or more what I could have done differently for that person to like me. My thoughts go like this, “Certainty, I must have done something wrong for them to not accept me.”

I tried for so long to be what I thought everyone wanted me to be, but eventually I wore myself out being one way for this person and another way someone else. Being someone that I am not made me unhappy, unfulfilled, and feeling unworthy to be me.

Often times if there is a struggle to be somebody other than yourself to be liked and accepted there is a root of feeling inferior. Somewhere in your history someone told you or made you feel not good enough, and if you just did this or that you would receive love. Love based on conditions is not love at all.

Conforming to what others want from you to be liked or even loved, is basically living a lie.

I admit I am a little different. I am an introvert by nature, I prefer solitude over being with a group of people, I don’t enjoy crowds, I enjoy the simple life, I don’t enjoy shopping, getting my hair or nails done, or wearing dresses. I tend not to follow what everyone else is doing, I prefer uniqueness over sameness, I don’t enjoy talking on the phone, I don’t like unexpected visitors, and I am a planner who is well-organized. I enjoy structure and routine and can be a bit rigid in these areas. I have a type-A personality which means I am a rule follower, stay on task, and do not often deviate from what I have planned. I lack spontaneity and flexibility, but I have been known at times to stretch in theses areas. I take breaks from my phone, emails and social media.

As you can see from my list of quirks and differences, I will not mesh well with everyone. I do enjoy all kinds of different people, and relish that God made us all so uniquely different. However, I cannot change who I am to suit other people. I have to be comfortable with who I am, including my not-so strong points. When people love you, they will embrace your differences, not try and change them.

Ways to embrace and love you:

·        Focus on your strengths, not your weaknesses. Everyone has strengths, focus and magnify those.

·        Focus on what you are doing right, not on what you are doing wrong. You can’t be doing everything wrong, even if someone makes you feel that way.

·        Accept and love all of you-your weaknesses, your quirks and your strengths.

·        Don’t try and be what others want you to be. You will only make yourself unhappy doing this.

·        Don’t copy what other people are doing so you can “fit in.”

When you become someone besides yourself, you won’t feel content most of the time. When you start to hide parts of yourself so you don’t get judged, you start feeling uncomfortable because in essence you are playing a role. It takes courage to be who you are without apology or pretense. Love yourself enough to accept you just the way you are.

Counselor's Corner: Why You Might Feel Misunderstood

If you are following the path of Jesus-you will be misunderstood! Well-meaning Christians who do not understand your unique purpose, may unknowingly cause you to feel guilty because you are not following what the majority are doing. Are you born to be a follower or a leader?

Was Jesus misunderstood? Yes, He had a unique mission while here on earth and needed to obey God whether He was completely understood by people or not. Jesus was mission-minded. To be mission-minded you may need to get comfortable with being misunderstood, even by your family and friends. Joyce Meyer’s had a unique calling for her life, and she has discussed that in the beginning of her ministry she was misunderstood by her church and her family.

Reflect and ponder: Have you always felt a little different than others? Do you sense you are being set-apart to fulfil God’s Kingdom purpose? Do you sometimes feel a bit out of place?

Ways to handle being misunderstood:

1.      Know your purpose. Write out your purpose that God has given you for your life. If you know what you were created to do, it won’t bother you as much when people don’t get you. Get mission-minded!

2.      Surround yourself with people who support and encourage your calling, not their agenda for you! If you have not realized yet that if you allow others to dictate to you what you should be doing-they will! Know your purpose and do not be swayed and pulled by what people want you to accomplish for them.

3.      Realize that you are not alone. Jesus was misunderstood by the people closet to Him, yet He still fulfilled His mission.

4.      Don’t try and explain to others in great lengths who do not fully get what you’re about, be as brief as possible. Pray that the Holy Spirit shows them, and then move on!  

5.      Stay focused! When distractions come, temptations come, and the naysayers come-don’t let the enemy derail you from your path.

6.      Don’t compare yourself to ANYONE else, not even the people who are serving fervently at your church. You may be tempted to think, “Maybe I should serve like _____________ (you fill in the blank).”

If you live in a way where everyone understands you all the time, then you will not stand for anything. People will have expectations of you and want to put you in a “box”, but when you get focused on your mission you can rise above their expectations.

MEDITATE ON THESE SCRIPTURES:

Jesus’ family misunderstood Him. The crowds were impressed, but Jesus’ family were not: “He is out of his mind.” (Mark 3:21)

Jesus’ friends misunderstood Him. Jesus was explaining to His disciples God’s plan for Him, but Peter, one of Jesus’ closest friends, took him aside and said, “Far be it from you Lord, this shall not happen to you.” (Matthew 16:22).

Feeling misunderstood by family, friends, and perhaps even your neighbors-take heart, Jesus also experienced these types of misunderstandings.

You can provide opportunities for others to understand you, but never demand that they understand you-take the high road of humility. A true test of spiritual maturity is how we respond when we are being misunderstood or judged unfairly. Keep moving in the purposes that God has for you, and let God deal with those who misunderstand and accuse you. Do not get sidetracked by those who do not understanding your calling, and want to pull you to their purposes for you. Become confident in what God has designed you to do and let no one derail you from your unique purpose.

Word of Encouragement Devotional: Why Don't I Fit In?

Do you sometimes feel there is not a certain group that you fit in to? Groups can make you very aware of how different that you are. Perhaps you have always felt a little different from the rest, and have wondered why you just can’t conform and fit in.

I had my one and only child when I was sixteen, so I am a woman in her early forties with a grown son; an empty nester. I don’t know any women my age who are already empty nesters, the families on my street are in their late thirties and early forties with young children. Even in my church I have a few women that I know who have undergone some of the same struggles as I have with my adult child, but these women are several years older than I am. I don’t fit into a one particular race, and people often wonder or even ask me what my ethnicity is. I am married, so you can say I can fit into the married couple group, but I still have a difficult time with fitting into couples our age because their children are so much younger than ours.

Can you relate to my above experiences? Perhaps your experiences are a little different than mine, but you can relate to wanting to fit in somewhere fully.

A sense of belonging and acceptance is imperative to everyone’s basic emotional needs. You can still attend church and feel that you don’t belong. Yes, we are the Body of Christ and should feel accepted among fellow believers, but that does not always happen. Our true belonging and acceptance comes from Jesus. Maybe no one has ever told you that you may not fit into a particular group because God designed it that way! I did not like the idea of not being able to say I don’t belong fully to one group, but God has showed me that my ability to blend in most settings and communities is a gift! That’s right a gift, when you can be fluid and have the ability to go into communities, ethnicities and into people’s lives that are broken because you understand what it is like to be differnt-that’s a gift! Not everyone can do this!

Embrace your uniqueness, because God designed you that way. Stop trying to fit in, and be honored that God has chosen you to be His hands and feet among the lest of these, among varying ethnicities, and among the broken and down-trodden.

Wod of Encouragemnt: When You're Not Invited!

Yesterday afternoon while outside I overheard one of my neighbors discussing being invited to another neighbor’s birthday party. I pretended I was not bothered by the fact that I was the only surrounding neighbor not invited to this party, but I could almost immediately hear the whispers of the enemy. I could hear the taunts, “What’s wrong with you that you where not invited?” and “They just don’t like you.” I began to be concerned about why I was not chosen, not picked and overlooked. I felt like I did when I was in school where if you did not meet certain criteria you could not be in the girl’s clique. I never have fit into a mold or a certain group and because of that I was often not included in the popular groups. I don’t think there is anyone who can say they did not desire to be in the popular crowd in school, and even to a large extent still want to fit in and be popular as adults.

Reflect: How does it make you feel to not be included, overlooked or not invited? Do you care about what people think of you? Do you wonder if there is something wrong with you not them? The “root” to not being included or invited is rejection. Rejection speaks loudly, “You’re not good enough.” Be careful with dwelling on the lies that come after you experience rejection. It is easy to believe the lies that you are overlooked, not liked or that there is something wrong with you. Hold your head up high and walk in confidence that you are a child of God, and though rejection can be painful God has chosen you for a special purpose.

You may never know why certain people don’t include you, but don’t want something that God may be trying to protect you from. Some people believe they are better than others because of the color of their skin, their wealth or their social status. God does not call you to be inclusive, prejudice, haughty or have an elitist mindset.  

Be you! Be who God created you to be! Be unique! Stand-out of the crowds and let your light shine for all men to see. Some will be offended by the light in you, but others will be drawn to the light. Let your light shine anyways. Don’t prove yourself to anyone, just be the light.

Meditate:

·         If the world hates you, know that it has hated me before it hated you. John 15:18, ESV

Counselor's Corner: The Need to Belong

Psychologists, Abraham Maslow developed the hierarchy of needs that humans have. The first hierarchy of need on Maslow’s list is physiological such as clothing, shelter and food. The second hierarchy of need listed is safety, including being free from violence, abuse, and job security. The third hierarchy of need is belonging. Maslow believed that after psychological and safety needs are meet the third need humans have is the need to belong and to be accepted. Maslow concluded that humans need to love and to be loved. Many people become susceptible to depression, anxiety and loneliness in the absence of belonging. The fourth hierarchy of need is esteem or the need to be respected. Maslow’s last hierarchy of need is self-actualization which Maslow believed that to understand this level of need, the person must not only achieve all the previous needs, but master them.

In this article, I will focus on the third hierarchy, the need to belong.

We all want to belong somewhere!

Ask yourself the following questions if you feel like you are struggling to belong?

1)      Do you fit into a particular ethnic group or do you have more than one ethnicity that you can check off?

2)      Did you leave your old life behind including friendships when you accepted Christ as your Savior?

3)      Were you raised in church, or have you had to learn along the way about the Bible and church?

4)      Do you have a past that if brought up can cause you to feel that you may not belong to the “good girl” Bible study group?

5)      Do you tend to wear “masks” with people because you really don’t want anyone to know what you have been through because you have been judged repeatedly already for your past?

6)      Are you a parent with a prodigal child or have you struggled with infertility?

7)      Were you emotionally/mentally abused as a child or were you abandoned by a parent as a child? Were you adopted or an orphan?

8)      Is your family dysfunctional or do they lack emotional stability?

9)      Are you the only one or one of the few in your family who is a believer in Christ or who is trying to walk righteously before God?

10)  Did someone significant in your life reject you?

→If you answered several of the above questions you could have difficulty with a sense of belonging.

You may have always felt different as if you just never truly fit in with anyone. You could be great at pretending to fit in, but deep inside you question if you truly belong. You are not alone! There are countless people who feel this way, including myself.

·         Don’t try and fit in somewhere where you just don’t! Not fitting into a group or with a particular person does not mean anything is wrong with you. Cultivate the relationships that do make you feel like you belong, and don’t beat yourself up for the relationships that you just don’t fit into. Reach and encourage others you know may struggle with belonging.

·         Accept and love who you are. It is okay to be different! You are unique and created by God. You belong to God and to the family of God.

·         Uproot any lies that you have believed about yourself such as,” I’m not good enough,” or “What will people think of me?” These lies could be hindering you from belonging to at least one group or person.

Jesus did not fit in with the world. Perhaps God has a purpose in your life that He will use your sense of not belonging. You are not ordinary but extraordinary.

Reflect on the following scriptures:

If you were of the world, the world would love you as its own; but because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, therefore the world hates you.

John 15:19

Don’t try and belong to the world and the things of the world.

Know that the Lord, He is God! It is He who made us, and we are His; we are His people, and the sheep of His pasture.

Psalm 100:3

We belong to God!