Causes of Offense

Breaking the chains of offense can set you free!

A definition of offense is an annoyance or resentment brought about by a perceived insult or disregard for one’s standards or principals.

Synonyms for offense: annoyance, anger, resentment, indignation, irritation, wrath and displeasure.

Those who are easily offended are usually described as “wounded, hurt, insulted, angry, or disappointed.”  When someone gets offended, they take everything personally. Scripture teaches however, if we keep our focus upon God and His Word, He will maintain peace in our hearts that can withstand offense, “Great peace have those who love your law, and nothing can make them stumble.” Psalm 119:165; “You will keep him in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you.” Isaiah 26:3

Causes of Offense:

Unhealed past wounds/hurts:

There are Christians who are “touchy” or extremely sensitive. They spend much of their time hurt or upset at people and at circumstances. For these types of Christians, we should be patient and gentle with them, encouraging them. There are reasons they are so sensitive, it could be a past hurt or wound that has not been healed. Any wound or hurt that has not been healed can cause a person to misinterpret others and their responses to them. Sensitive feelings can be a way that Satan uses to oppress people. This can be seen by people not experiencing joy or peace because of being easily offended by others.

Focusing too much on self:

Hurt feelings and being easily offended usually has something to do with self, such as, “I did not get my way or what I wanted.” We must die to self, and become totally immersed in the identity of Jesus Christ. When we die to self, we will become immune to offenses. Die to self-will that demands justice for my rights that have been violated. Our heart attitudes must be right when seeking a solution to our offense. We must approach the person who offended us in meekness and humility.

False expectations:

People will fail us and they will disappoint us. Expectations should not be placed upon humans, but Christ alone. Although Christians are forgiven and have Christ living in them, they will sometimes fail and make mistakes.

Feeling entitled:

Many root causes of offense is the feeling of entitlement. When someone disrespects you, you feel offended and feel the need to “get back,” at them. Maybe someone hurt you from your past, and you feel that you will never allow anyone to hurt you again or disrespect you.

Feeling ignored or overlooked:

If someone passed by you and did not say, “Hello,” or they did not invite you to lunch. Or maybe you have been going though a trial and no one seems to have noticed your plight or reached out to you.

Offenses left unrestrained can lead to bitterness, anger, resentment, complaining, and murmuring. Offenses that are held onto to can cause a Christian to be hindered in their spiritual growth, it can build walls in relationships, can lead to potential sickness, and cause bondages in a person’s life that can open the door to demonic strongholds such as discouragement, fear, negative attitudes, critical spirit, and feelings of rejection. When a Christian applies forgiveness, grace, and mercy it can remove all offense and one can experience greater peace, joy, love, more openness in relationships, and spiritual growth and maturity.

If we see or hear something in another Christian that offends us, we should examine ourselves first. Since the faults we see in others are usually the same ones we have ourselves, we should be careful when correcting others. We need to be certain we have dealt with that problem in our lives first.

Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense. Proverbs 19:11

With all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. Ephesians 4:2-3

Share with our readers how you have overcome offense.

Dealing with Bitterness

Bitterness is displaced anger, and resentful cynicism that results in intense antagonism or hostility towards others. You can get hurt so badly in life that you become cynical and hard. Bitterness can affect one experiencing profound grief, and is the state of mind which willfully holds on to angry feelings, ready to take offense, and able to break out in anger at any time. A person who is bitter is often resentful, cynical, harsh, cold, and unpleasant to be around. An expression of these characteristics is sin against God.

Bitterness happens and most often is a normal response to hardships or sorrowful situations. However, we should see to it that we deal with any bitterness in our lives, for if we do not it can cause a host of other sins, such as, hatred, cruelty, antagonism, self-pity, vindictiveness, and prideful ambitions. Bitterness motivates complaining. People who habitually complain are bitter people. When we allow bitterness to fill us with occupation with self, with life, and problems, we are on dangerous territory.

Bible examples of bitterness:

Women who are bitter because they cannot have children (1 Samuel 1:10)

A foolish son is bitterness to his mother (Proverbs 17:25)

Suffering causes bitterness to people who do not give priority relationship to God (Deuteronomy 32:24)

Ruth asked that her name be changed to “Mara” meaning bitter because of her losses (Ruth 1:20-21).

Job’s complaint to God, “Why does God let this happen to me,” is a statement of bitterness (Job 9:17-18)

When a Christian is bitter, there is a loss of close fellowship with the Lord and a hindrance in one’s relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ.  Bitterness becomes sin when we do not forgive others that have hurt us, (Ephesians 4:13), when jealousy and selfish ambition occurs (James 3:14), and when we allow a bitter root to grow (Hebrews 12:15).

Roots of bitterness that need to dealt with and pulled up out of our lives:

1.      Forgiveness of wrong-doing by others.

2.      Animosity towards others and even God.

3.      Confrontation of others when issues are unresolved.

4.      Learning to trust God’s sovereignty and His plans for our lives.

Bitterness shows up in (3) ways:

1.      Directed against God. You feel He could have protected or prevented unpleasant and harmful things from happening in your life. You feel angry and ask, “Lord, if you love me why did you allow this to happen?” or “Lord, why have you not answered my prayers?”

2.      Against other people. You have been hurt, mistreated, used, and rejected by others.  This kind of pain usually happens with the people we are the closest to. You might say,” I forgive them,” but your heart says “I will hang onto this hurt a little while longer to make them “pay” for hurting me.”

3.      Against yourself. This comes in the form of not being able to forgive yourself, which in turn can cause you to live in self-pity. You believe you deserve whatever has happened to you, or that you are being punished by God and “should take it.”

Bitterness is often caused by people, most of the time by people we love, or people we cannot confront, or people we trust. Grace includes the ability to look at people and see them as God sees them, and includes the ability to let them live their lives as directed by the Lord, and trusting that God will make His way clear to them. Grace allows people to make mistakes without judging them. Forgiveness is the key to right relationships with others, it will promote joy and peace in your lives. Does it matter how many time someone has hurt you? No, forgive as often as it takes. Do not allow unforgiveness to fester, and allow grudges to grow. Bitterness is also caused by hardships and sorrows in our lives. Realizing that your happiness does not depend on people or circumstances can be very freeing. Trust God in the things that you do not understand. Easier said than done, yes, but relinquish your plans and your desires to the Almighty.

Women who Struggle with Friendships

This article is dedicated to the countless women that have struggled with maintaining and having healthy friendships with other women. I write from my own struggles in this area as well as what I hope to leave you with some hope and encouragement.

So many women I know have deep scars from rejection and betrayal. It has left many in a state of distrust and brokenness. As women when we love, we love deeply, for most women we give our all in our relationships. But what happens to the women who feel the sting of rejection and betrayal? It can leave a woman fearful to have intimate relationships, especially, women who have been scarred numerous times. If a woman comes from a background of abuse she will feel the pain of rejection and betrayl even more.

We may have tried countless times to have intimate relationships with other women, but each relationship ended in some devastating way and we are now more guarded, more careful. Should we be that way as Christian women? The answer is not that simple. I can tell you that we are not supposed to fear and we are to be vulnerable to others, but I can also say this as a counselor and as someone who has been through my share of failed relationships with women that it takes time to trust again and opening yourself up to another immediately is not healthy or recommended. You could easily get hurt again if you take the plunge into a relationship that just started. Be gentle with yourself if you have been wounded and feel like you are not able to trust. I would even recommend that if you have been very wounded in relationships that before you step out and start forming relationships with others that you heal your relationship with God first and then yourself.

If you have just one valuable friend, then you are blessed. But even more so, Jesus wants and desires to be your best friend. You can tell Him anything and He will never judge you nor betray you in any way. Your personality trait may be more introvert and if that is the case don’t try and force yourself to have numerous friendships or force yourself to be in awkward social situations. You may prefer the company of one, and that is okay. Someone else may prefer the company of many and that is okay, but never try and be something you’re not! God will change you if He wills and can even change your personality if He wills, but if that does not happen, then embrace who God made you.

You may be in a time in your life that you have few if any friends and you feel like a loser and a failure, but you are none of those things. You are valuable, precious and have worth. God knows where you’re at and at the right time, He will bring others in your path who will love and accept you for who you are. Don’t push or rush ahead of God’s time. You may feel the sting of being lonely and that is not easy, but you are never alone, God is always there. If you are in a season where you have limited friendships, let God be your friend and when God prompts you to reach out to others, do so.

You may not feel accepted by other people and feel rejected but God does love you and He does accept you. Begin to reach out to others slowly as God leads you to. Maybe you can join a Bible study at a church or attend a women’s event. Just start being around other women, even if it is in a group. Start slow and allow God to heal your inside, your soul. Know you’re not alone, there are countless other women who have felt the pain of rejection and betrayal.

You might even wonder what the hallmarks of a healthy relationship looks like. I have complied a list of healthy traits to look for from my personal experience and what God has taught me during painful times of experiencing rejection and betrayal. Look for these the next time you are wanting to engage in friendship with someone. It is not important that exhibit all of the traits but should have more of the positive traits then not. It is hard to say to a woman who has been hurt and wounded, “Just make more friends, open yourself up, or you have to trust again.” Saying those things to a woman who has been hurt is like pouring salt on her wounds. She knows what she needs to do, but her heart that gives so freely and loves so much can’t seem to force herself to go through more pain and trauma.

Traits to look for in healthy friendships:

1.        Do they follow Christ? Not just go to church but are they Disciples of Christ? Do they produce good “fruit?”

2.        Are they emotionally, spiritually, mentally stable?

3.        Are they financially responsible? Good stewards of their time and money?

4.        Are they “emotional vampires?” Do they “suck” the life out of you or enhance your life?

5.        Do they want all your time? Are they jealous of your relationships with others?

6.        Do you place their friendship above your spouses (if married) and do you spend more time with them then your spouse?

7.        Are they your best friend or is your husband if you’re married?

8.        Do they run to you to gossip or to talk endlessly about problems instead of praying?

9.        Do you feel energized after being with them or drained?

10.      Are they respectful of your time? Do they expect you to spend ALL day with them verses a few hours?

11.      Are they respectful with your spouse? No calling, texting, emailing, or touching without your permission.

12.      Do you do more fun things together than talking about their problems?

13.      Are they concerned about what you are going through and ask you what they can do to help you?

14.      Do you pray together frequently and share God’s word?

15.      Do they make you feel guilty? Do you feel pressure to have to see them?

16.      Do you feel tempted to sin if you are around them?

17.      Do they live unrepented, sinful lifestyles?

18.      Do you discern that something is not right, you just can’t put your finger on what it is?

19.      They don’t have any other friends but you, and they tell you that frequently.

20.      Is the most important person in their life Jesus Christ and this is evident in their lives?

21.      Are you compatible? Do you like the same things? Does the conversation flow or is it forced? Are you compatible spiritually? In other words do you believe and operate in the spiritual gifts but your friend does not believe in spiritual gifts?

22.      Are they negative or faith-filled more? Are they victims of their circumstances or victors over their circumstances?

23.      Do they have boundaries?

You are not alone and there are ways to heal and form healthy relationships. Take your time and let God bring those friendships into your path. Pray that God will bring the friendships He desires for you into your life. If you have been hurt in friendships, than sit back, relax and let God pick your friends. Tell God how you feel and let Him sort it out for you, and don’t worry about a thing!

If you need encouragement, prayer, or even would like to participate in online counseling for women, you can contact me@ www.christianhopecounseling.com or through Gospel Guidance@ www.gospelguidance.com/5311-sreck

I would love to hear from you! Share your story with me and send me an email@ Stephanie.christianhopecounseling.com