Just because something seems good to do, does not mean it is good for you to do. Saying,
“no” to good things so you can be available for the great things in your life will
make you a much happier person.
The problem that many people have is that they say yes
to most everything that comes into their paths because of the terrible feeling
of guilt that comes after saying no.
I have struggled for many years with not being able to
say, “no” to what others wanted of me. Over the past few years I have gotten
much better with being able to say, “no”, but there is still an underlying sense
that…I should of, I could of or I ought
to.
Reflect: Where does this feeling of guilt
stem from and can it be possible to say no without with burden of guilt? Would
you like to be able to say, “no” assertively and without the aftermath of guilt?
I know I would like that.
►Let’s explore and uncover why one could have difficulty
saying no, and what can be done to resolve the matter of guilt that accompanies
saying, “no.”
Some Reasons There May be
Guilt for Saying No:
1. Don’t
want to disappoint others.
2. Care
deeply what others think (people-pleasing).
3. Fear
others will get upset/angry and withdrawal from you.
4. Feel
selfish if you take time for yourself or want to do something you want to do.
5.
Give into pressure or manipulative tactics.
(Most likely there was someone in your
past who made you feel guilty if you told them no and you associate that
particular incident(s) with saying no to other people.)
6.
Don’t feel you have rights, such as a
right to your time, your interest and your priorities. (At some point you have been violated and have not reclaimed your rights
or boundaries.)
7. Poor
or no time management. Lack structure or planning. If you don’t have a plan/schedule
for your work, leisure time, family and other interests then you will be prey
to saying yes to whatever comes in your path. Write out a weekly and monthly schedule
and stick to it as much as possible.
*there will be exceptions
that do come up in your schedule, so make allowances for them but do not make
it a norm to be flighty with your time. Others will take advantage of your inability
to plan.
8. Have a false sense of responsibility or
feel a sense of false obligation to others. You will know when you are to do
something for or with someone, you will not feel rushed, pressured, hurried, or
guilty.
9. You feel like you would be rejecting
the person. Take ownership of how they might react to you saying no.
How
to Say, “No” Without Guilt:
1. Know
why you are saying, “no.” What are you eliminating so that you can make room
for what you need or want. Remember just because it seems good does not mean it good for you. If you had a busy week
and a friend or family member comes into town unexpectedly and wants to see
you, but you really need some down time; that is your reason you are saying,
“no”. Knowing why you need to say,” no”, removes the guilt. Know your limits,
everyone has them. Not everybody can do what others do.
2. Maintain
your priorities, this is best accomplished by writing out your schedule including
work, leisure, date time with spouse if married, church activities, time with
family/friends, and most importantly your time with God. Trying to squeeze in
activities for or with others is never a good idea. Your schedule should be
balanced, of course with the few exceptions when things come up unexpectedly.
3.
If you feel pressure to respond to someone’s
request, don’t give an immediate answer. Wait, step back and pray. Don’t always
give an automatic response to a request, but instead say something like, “I’ll need to get back with you on that.”
4.
Practice persistence with people who
will “bargain” you to say,” yes.” Some people will try and wear you down until
you say,” yes”. Don’t get angry or upset, but calmly and assertively repeat
yourself until the person understands. Do not negotiate with them. The less explanation
you give, the better.
5.
Be assertive but kind. To turn down
someone’s request you could simply say, “I’m
sorry that does not work for me.” You do not owe anyone a detailed explanation.
You could also say, “That time does not
work for me, but I will let you know when a good time is for me.” The last
statement puts you in a position of power. In other words, your letting others
know your not going to do what they want unless it is a good fit for you.
6.
If you get asked on the spot for a
request, have a go-to response. An example would be:” I’m sorry I have other commitments right now and I am unavailable.”
7.
Acknowledge that you can’t do everything.
Saying, “yes” to everyone means something or someone is being neglecting,
including yourself.
8.
Realize you can’t please everyone. If
you did everything that others wanted of you, they may be happy but you will be
miserable and exhausted.
9.
If you are concerned the person that
you say,” no” to will withdraw from you or become upset, you can rest assured they
are being manipulative. Maintain a healthy distance from manipulative people.
10. Understand
the tactics that people will use to get you to do what they want you to do. Some
examples of the tactics are: flattery/compliments, guilt, and
complaining/whining about a problem.
11. Don’t
over apologize. A simple, “I’m sorry,” should suffice Over apologetic people
can be easily taken advantage of or duped.
►You have limited time, resources and energy, so you
cannot afford to waste these on saying, “yes,” to everything. Know what your
priorities are. If you don’t know, ask God.
►Saying, “no,” when you need to can help you manage
your time, your interests and your priorities.
Let’s
Discuss:
What
about you, do you have trouble saying, “no,” without guilt? What is one thing
you can do to alleviate the guilt that comes from saying, “no?”
