Unresolved grief is different than normal grief. With
grief there is closure eventually, such as with a death of a loved one, but
with unresolved grief there is no closure. Over time, the unresolved grief may
lessen but that does mean there has been a recovery from the loss. Some
examples of unresolved grief could be having a child that is addicted to drugs
or alcohol, an adult child that rejects their parents, infertility, having a
missing family member or having a disabled child. Not being able to have
closure can cause a host of mental health issues such as depression and
anxiety. Unresolved grief is complicated grief, in that there is a need to
still keep hope alive but it also interrupts the mourning process. This can
feel like a wound that never heals. As a mother of a prodigal child and having experienced
unresolved grief after 10 years, I began searching for ways to heal
effectively. At some point, I believed there was no hope and that I would
continue to live in grief. I honestly do not believe that is God’s plan.
Unresolved
grief can cause you to feel stuck and unable to move on with your life.
Unresolved grief affects current and future
relationships. You begin protecting your heart from any further hurt, which
means relationships suffer. Unresolved grief is usually at the root of fear
about new relationships. One may also experience constant fear of loss, anger/cynicism,
guarded emotions, helplessness, loss of identity and chronic depression. Issues
need to be resolved before you can begin to have healthy relationships. You may
need to write a letter to your loved one expressing how you feel, but then you
may choose to burn that letter or bury it.
People
who experience traumatic loss are more susceptible to developing PTSD (post-traumatic
stress disorder), and can suffer from psychological stress.
Some
symptoms of trauma related stress:
Nightmares, trouble sleeping, being on edge/easily
alert, low energy, feeling depressed, memory problems, feeling overwhelmed by
the smallest of tasks, feeling irritable/agitated, fearful of the future, feeling
emotionally numb, withdrawn and disconnected, and relying on alcohol and drugs
to ease the pain.
Healing from unresolved grief and any trauma related
stress starts when we acknowledge the loss and accept the loss. Part of
acceptance means letting go. Share your story with someone who you can trust,
but then take it to God. Tell God exactly how you feel. Ask God to bring
healing to your unresolved grief, and help with moving on with a new life. You
are not betraying your loved one if you move on with your life, and it does not
mean that you do not love them.
Pray
that God gives you emotional resiliency.
Being
resilient means to become strong, healthy or successful again after something
bad happens (able to return to an original shape). Emotional resilience simple means
being able to adapt to stressful situations or crisis.
Emotionally resilient people get knocked down, but
they get back up quick. Emotional resilience can be learned, but I believe that
Jesus can aid in that learning.
Emotional
resilience is a must in dealing with unresolved grief.
Emotional resilience means that you accept that you
cannot change your painful situation. Resilient people are characterized by an ability
to experience both positive and negative emotions after a difficult or painful
situation. Losses are mourned, but emotionally resilient people find the
potential redeeming value in most challenges. Resilient people always find the
silver lining in the most painful or difficult of circumstances.
When adversity strikes, focus on what you are thankful
for, and this will boost your resiliency, and choose to focus on what is positive
and good in your life. Taking regular breaks, nurturing, and taking care of
yourself and doing things that you enjoy, regular exercise,
laughing, being kind to others and yourself, social support, and continuing to
learn, can help build resiliency as well.
You
cannot control everything that comes at you, but you can control how you react
to it.
Putting
our hope in people, will almost always lead to disappointment, but placing our
hope in Jesus will never disappoint.
The navy SEALs have a saying: “Get comfortable being uncomfortable.”
Learning to be uncomfortable at times instead of
running and escaping will force you to learn from the situation that is causing
you pain. Resilient people learn and grow from pain and challenges. Resilient
people who need to survive the harshest situations and still accomplish goals
(like POW’s, Special Forces units and Nazi holocaust survivors like Corrie ten
Boom) balance a positive outlook with a realistic world view. Emotional resilient
people do not remain focused on the negative, and they tend to rapidly disengage
from problems that appear unsolvable. Emotional resilient people face their
fears, they do not let fear overpower them.
PTSD was mentioned in this article, but someone can
also experience the reverse: post-traumatic
growth. Many people who experience hardships
and get through them properly can come out stronger not weaker!
