Counselor’s Corner: Enjoying Life in the Middle of Difficult Circumstances

Chances are if you have been going through a difficult circumstance that is unrelenting, you have had difficulty enjoying life. Depression can loom over you as you trudge through the muck and the mire of your adversity. Some mornings you just feel like pulling the covers over your head and would rather stay in bed until the calamities have passed. It is one thing to have a difficulty come through your life and leave, but it is entirely different when a difficulty parks and stays a while. Grief hits you smack in the face, and you begin to sink further and further like you were in quicksand. You don’t share with a lot of people what you are experiencing, because you are afraid the weights of what you carry will sink them as well.

It is possible to enjoy your life in the middle of your deepest and darkest pain, or what I like to refer to as, “the dark night of the soul, however, it won’t come easily. You will have to become a resilient fighter. You will have to decide one day when you have had enough of the enemy stealing your life, to choose to get up and live again. If the enemy cannot take you out physically, he will use your pain to turn you against God and rob you of the joy that is your inheritance.

Your pain is real and there is a time to grieve what you have endured or lost, but deep mourning should not be a continually theme in your life. Yes, it is hard to let go of people you love or accept the reality of a situation. When you place those seemingly impossible heartaches into God’s care, peace can rule in your heart. An exchange takes place when you say to God, “I can’t do this anymore, take it from me.” This exchange can open up the channels to begin enjoying your life again. Surrender is key to enjoying life again.

Reflect and ponder: How can you enjoy life when just getting out of bed is a chore? What do you do when your pain overshadows every blessing in your life? Are you willing to fight to get your life back and enjoy what is good in your life? Remember, this won’t come easy if you have been enduring the same difficulties for years. The enemy has enjoyed you being in the pit with no way out, and don’t be surprised as you are climbing out of the pit, he tries to kick you back in. This is where a “don’t give up, no matter what” stance must come over you. If you get kicked back in the pit, quickly get up and out, don’t look around that familiar pit that you are used to. Have a set mind that you will enjoy life again, no matter what!

Counselor’s Corner:

Practical tips for enjoying life in the middle of difficulties:

1.      Let go of everything that you cannot change. Accept what you cannot change. If you have tried over and over to change a situation or person and it has not worked yet-let go!

2.      Limit your “talk” time about your difficult situation. It is okay to share with trusted people, but not 3-4x a week. Run to the throne more than the phone. Opening your mouth and spewing out to other people your woe’s continually or without just cause, can open you up for more problems. Be careful who you share your personal information with. It can bring you true joy to find like-minded people who can walk beside you, and you know they got your back. It is another thing to deal with people who bring you more pain than gain. To enjoy your life again, you will need to stop allowing drainers, whiners, complainers, and manipulators into your life.  

3.      Simplify your life, cut out all non-essentials. Going through difficult times can deplete you of energy. Learn to say, “No,” and say it as often as needed. If someone complains or makes you feel bad about saying, “No,” just ask them if they would like to “walk a mile in your shoes.” Get plenty of rest and take as many stay-cations as you can. Enjoy the simple things in life, a stroll around your block or breakfast in bed.

4.      Learn when you need to pull away from the “crowds.” There are times being with other believers is good and fellowshipping with them, but there is also times where solitude can render inner peace and times of reflection. Being still with God can only happen when you are quiet. There are many times that God will call you to the “still waters.” I am called to these still waters often and I no longer fight these times, but accept that God wants to speak to me and bring me comfort.

5.      Protect your “sanctuary.” My sanctuary is my home, it is the place I have peace the most. This is why I guard my sanctuary carefully. I am very careful who comes in and out of my place of peace and rest.

6.      No more living bound in guilt. Guilt and condemnation are straight from the enemy. If God wants you to do something, He will give His grace, strength and peace. Guilt steals all joy.

7.      Make it a daily habit to bring all your worries and concerns to God. Take a few minutes and pray over your worries and then consciously leave them with God.

8.      Take good care of yourself. Eat balanced meals, exercise, sleep at least 7-8 hours every night, take a multivitamin, and spend time with God as often as you can (daily if possible). The presence of God can bring you much joy. When you feel good physically by taking care of yourself, you can enjoy your life more.

9.      Do something that brings you pleasure or happiness at least 2-3x per week. Maybe a movie and popcorn, planting flowers, painting, or taking a bike ride bring you pleasure. Enjoy the simple pleasures in life as well such as bird watching or swinging on a swing.

10.  Encourage someone or cheer someone up. Be a blessing to someone.

11.  CHOOSE to focus on what is good in your life, and say out loud daily or write down at least 5 things that you are thankful for.

12.  Stop asking, “Why me.” No more being a victim and feeling sorry for yourself. Being negative drains you, instead speak life, blessings and the Word of God over yourself.

13.  Learn to laugh again. You did as a child when you had no worries. Watch a funny movie or comedian (clean though).

Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s learning to dance in the rain.

Vivian Greene

Is it time for you to dance?

MEDITATE ON THESE SCRIPTURES:

A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.

Proverbs 17:22

The thief comes only to steal, kill and destroy. I came that they might have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance (to the fullest, overflowing).

John 10:10

Healing from Unresolved Grief through Emotional Resiliency

Unresolved grief is different than normal grief. With grief there is closure eventually, such as with a death of a loved one, but with unresolved grief there is no closure. Over time, the unresolved grief may lessen but that does mean there has been a recovery from the loss. Some examples of unresolved grief could be having a child that is addicted to drugs or alcohol, an adult child that rejects their parents, infertility, having a missing family member or having a disabled child. Not being able to have closure can cause a host of mental health issues such as depression and anxiety. Unresolved grief is complicated grief, in that there is a need to still keep hope alive but it also interrupts the mourning process. This can feel like a wound that never heals. As a mother of a prodigal child and having experienced unresolved grief after 10 years, I began searching for ways to heal effectively. At some point, I believed there was no hope and that I would continue to live in grief. I honestly do not believe that is God’s plan.

Unresolved grief can cause you to feel stuck and unable to move on with your life.

Unresolved grief affects current and future relationships. You begin protecting your heart from any further hurt, which means relationships suffer. Unresolved grief is usually at the root of fear about new relationships. One may also experience constant fear of loss, anger/cynicism, guarded emotions, helplessness, loss of identity and chronic depression. Issues need to be resolved before you can begin to have healthy relationships. You may need to write a letter to your loved one expressing how you feel, but then you may choose to burn that letter or bury it.

People who experience traumatic loss are more susceptible to developing PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder), and can suffer from psychological stress.

Some symptoms of trauma related stress:

Nightmares, trouble sleeping, being on edge/easily alert, low energy, feeling depressed, memory problems, feeling overwhelmed by the smallest of tasks, feeling irritable/agitated, fearful of the future, feeling emotionally numb, withdrawn and disconnected, and relying on alcohol and drugs to ease the pain.

Healing from unresolved grief and any trauma related stress starts when we acknowledge the loss and accept the loss. Part of acceptance means letting go. Share your story with someone who you can trust, but then take it to God. Tell God exactly how you feel. Ask God to bring healing to your unresolved grief, and help with moving on with a new life. You are not betraying your loved one if you move on with your life, and it does not mean that you do not love them.

Pray that God gives you emotional resiliency.

Being resilient means to become strong, healthy or successful again after something bad happens (able to return to an original shape). Emotional resilience simple means being able to adapt to stressful situations or crisis.

Emotionally resilient people get knocked down, but they get back up quick. Emotional resilience can be learned, but I believe that Jesus can aid in that learning.

Emotional resilience is a must in dealing with unresolved grief.

Emotional resilience means that you accept that you cannot change your painful situation. Resilient people are characterized by an ability to experience both positive and negative emotions after a difficult or painful situation. Losses are mourned, but emotionally resilient people find the potential redeeming value in most challenges. Resilient people always find the silver lining in the most painful or difficult of circumstances.

When adversity strikes, focus on what you are thankful for, and this will boost your resiliency, and choose to focus on what is positive and good in your life. Taking regular breaks, nurturing, and taking care of yourself and doing things that you enjoy, regular exercise, laughing, being kind to others and yourself, social support, and continuing to learn, can help build resiliency as well.

You cannot control everything that comes at you, but you can control how you react to it.

Putting our hope in people, will almost always lead to disappointment, but placing our hope in Jesus will never disappoint.

The navy SEALs have a saying: “Get comfortable being uncomfortable.”

Learning to be uncomfortable at times instead of running and escaping will force you to learn from the situation that is causing you pain. Resilient people learn and grow from pain and challenges. Resilient people who need to survive the harshest situations and still accomplish goals (like POW’s, Special Forces units and Nazi holocaust survivors like Corrie ten Boom) balance a positive outlook with a realistic world view. Emotional resilient people do not remain focused on the negative, and they tend to rapidly disengage from problems that appear unsolvable. Emotional resilient people face their fears, they do not let fear overpower them.

PTSD was mentioned in this article, but someone can also experience the reverse: post-traumatic growth. Many people who experience hardships and get through them properly can come out stronger not weaker!