Counselor's Corner: Experiencing Rejection After Setting Boundaries

Setting boundaries with someone is not controlling, but instead it says this is what I can do and what I can’t do. However, there will be some people that when you set boundaries with them, they will reject you by ignoring you until you comply with their expectations.

Setting boundaries is not a form of rejection but some will perceive it this way because of the dysfunctional family they were raised in that did not define or enforce boundaries. 

If you are rejected by someone that you set a boundary with than very likely you are dealing with a controlling, manipulative and possibly even a narcissistic person. Those that don’t respect your need for boundaries will display the following:

·         Pushing/pressuring you until you just give-in.

·         Using other people to “win” you over.

·         Ignoring or use the silent treatment.

·         Pout, sulk, and display tears.

·         Get other people involved to “team-up” against you.

·         Want things on their terms only.

·         Use passive-aggressiveness by not communicating directly to you about any problems.

·         Will use guilt messages indirectly or directly.

Rejection hurts and is one of the most painful emotions a human can feel. Controllers, manipulators and narcissists know this and will shut you out until you comply with what they want. These personality types have no respect for your boundaries and you need to learn to stand firm on the boundaries that you have set with them.

People who disregard your boundaries have little or no self-awareness and feel that they are entitled or appropriate in their behavior.  They get away with their behavior often because people don’t stand up to them. 

What to do if you are rejected by someone who you set a boundary with?

1.      Recognize it’s not your problem but theirs (unless there is a legal issue). How they CHOOSE to respond to you is not your fault, unless you have behaved maliciously, viciously attacked them or acted unlovingly, otherwise how they respond is not on you. Do not take ownership how they behave towards you if set a boundary in love towards them.

2.      Move on to healthier relationships until the person/people you are dealing with are healed and delivered from their controlling and manipulative ways.

3.      Don’t replay over and over in your mind what you could have done differently for them to accept you. A person that loves and respects you will have no issues with your need to set healthy boundaries.

4.      Understand THE ONLY ones who will have an issue with you setting boundaries are ones YOU NEED to have boundaries with the most. If somebody takes an issue with you setting limits, it’s not because you’re not doing something wrong and if you just adjust your boundaries for them enough, they be okay with you. They see boundaries as an issue and that’s about their issues, not you.

5.      Setting boundaries with those who do not respect or want boundaries, will not change them. Get used to the fact not all people want or desire boundaries in their lives and relationships with others.

6.      Boundaries do not scare off those with healthy boundaries and in fact boundaries will filter out people that would deeply compromise or endanger you.

7.      Continue to be firm, clear and consistent with your boundaries.

8.      Practice loving detachment by responding in a different way, limiting or declining invitations to spend time with them, not giving unsolicited advice and choosing not to engage in the same old arguments. Detaching DOES NOT mean that you do not love the person, it means that you are taking care of yourself.

9.      Have limited contact. Sometimes the only way to protect yourself is to limit your  communication/interactions with people who don’t respect you. Family and friends should lift you up, support and encourage you, not make you feel guilty, anxious, stressed or angry.

10.  If you must be with that person, avoid being alone with them. Always have someone with healthy boundaries themselves go with you.

Boundaries protect you from harm and maintains your autonomy and individuality. Unfortunately, people that can’t control you any longer will very likely not talk to you any longer, until they learn boundaries for themselves.

Let’s Discuss:

What has been your experience with setting boundaries with others?

Counselor's Corner: Setting Boundaries with Loved Ones-Part II

*Be sure to read Part I on Setting Boundaries.

Setting limits with loved ones is not always easy. Having prodigal children, dysfunctional and toxic family, and unbelieving family can test the strongest of individuals. It is imperative if one has these types of relationships to learn and apply boundaries with these individuals. You may love your family and have a deep desire to help them, and at the same time feel exhausted from the repetitive attempts to please, fix, and solve their problems. Often, you will see cycles of behavior in dysfunctional families, basically they manipulate to get their desired outcome, and the enabler succumbs; then this is repeated again and again. At times, it seems impossible to meet their every need, but you do because they are family, right?

If you see repeated patterns of unhealthy behavior with your nearest and dearest, and they look to you and not to God for intervening in their problems, it’s time to back off, and let God be God in their lives. Feelings of guilt may ensue, believing as Christians it is our duty to be at the beckoning demands of people. It is especially a challenge to set limits on our families who need constantly from us with no avail of changing. Do we really have the right to set limitations on our time, money, and resources? Yes!

To constantly intervene in the crisis and demands of people we love can be emotionally draining. Irresponsible behavior can be enabled if we are there trying to rescue the ones we cherish. Controllers hear the word “no” as a challenge to them. They project responsibility of their lives onto others, and use various means of control to manipulate you to carry their load. Manipulative controllers use guilt messages and will talk you into saying yes when you want to say no. They indirectly sway others to get their way. You may identify this trait in your loved ones.

“For each will have to bear his own load.” Galatians 5:6. Everyone should carry their own responsibility.

Jesus did not always do what everyone wanted Him to do. There were many people He did not help, and when He did help, He expected them to do their part. Jesus said no to the demands of people (Luke 5:5-16), and withdrew from the crowds who wanted Him, for alone time with the Father. Jesus confronted the invalid of 38 years at the sheep pool to “Get up! Pick up your mat and walk.” Jesus challenged him to be motivated and take responsibility for himself. (John 5:1-14).

Give your loved ones warnings for their hurtful behavior, if this does not work, set a consequence for violating the warning. If the consequence is broken, it may be time to separate yourself until that person understands what the violation was. This is never done to punish or done in anger, but to protect yourself. Limit your exposure to evil and unrepentive people. The Bible says to separate ourselves from people who act in destructive ways.

Boundaries are good and they are necessary to protect you mentally, spiritually, physically and financially. It is okay to set boundaries with your loved ones.