Counselor's Corner: Going Through the Grief Process After Any Type of Loss

Death is not the only experience you can grieve from, but anything that is perceived as some type of loss in your life. Grief can be defined as losing something or someone significant in your life, or not experiencing the hopes and dreams for your life.

I realized this week that I was experiencing grief over the relationship that I could have had with my mother. A few months ago, my mother moved close to where I lived to escape an abusive relationship and we quickly developed a close relationship that we had not had before. However, very abruptly she decided to go back to the relationship that was abusive to her. I had no warning, I was not prepared for her sudden departure. Since her leaving I have experienced anger, irritability, frustration, fatigue, hormonal imbalance, emotional numbness, anxiety, cynicism, loss of hope, and overall sadness. I did not realize until this week that I had been going through the grief process. Afterall, I did not lose anyone to death so I was not making the connection I was experiencing grief.

Any type of loss can have your emotions on a “roller-coaster” ride. What defines loss to one may not be perceived as loss to another. However, whatever has caused a vacancy in your life is loss.

Some examples of loss can include:

loss of significant relationships

loss of a job

divorce

loss of health

miscarriage

unfulfilled dreams

There are usually (5) stages of the grieving process, and one must work through the stages to properly heal and not get stuck in grief. It is possible not to heal properly and allow the grief that you are experiencing to define you in every area of your life.

The (5) stages of grief are:

1.     Denial- is a common defense mechanism that buffers any immediate shock of loss, and numbs your emotions. During this time, you hide from the facts. During this stage you may believe that life is meaningless, and nothing is of value any longer.

2.     Anger- As the masking effects of denial begin to wear off, the reality and pain re-emerge. The anger experienced during this stage can be directed at complete strangers, friends, or family. You may resent the person who caused you pain or left your life.

3.     Bargaining- This is a normal reaction to feelings of helplessness and is often a need to regain control through thoughts such as, “if only I had…” Guilt often accompanies bargaining.

4.     Depression- During this phase you may experience a lose of pleasure, hopelessness, and sadness.

5.     Acceptance- Reaching this stage is important for your healing. Working through the above stages can help to eventually get you to the stage of process.

People who are grieving do not necessarily go through the stages in the same order or experience all of them. There is no timetable for working through grief, for some it can be weeks and others several months before you begin to feel better.

The pain of grief can disrupt not only your physical health but your mental and spiritual health. The pain will not go away faster if you ignore it or keep it from resurfacing.

For real healing, it is necessary to face your grief and deal with it.

1)    Give yourself a time period to give full attention to the memory of the loss, however, you should draw a line on prolonged grieving. Give yourself a time period, maybe a few days to a week to work through the sadness. Wallowing week after week will keep you stuck in your grief.

2)    Let your pain out, let the tears flow, and find an outlet for your pain. Share your feelings with your spouse, a trusted friend or family member. Talking through your emotions helps you to sort out your feelings. Write or journal your pain. Express your emotions to God.

3)    Distance yourself from those who are not compassionate or understanding to your grief. Hearing words from people like, “Your too sensitive,” or “It’s not that big of a deal,” can hinder your healing process.

Reflect:

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” Matthew 5:4

When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. He keeps all his bones; not one of them is broken. Psalm 34: 17-20

Counselor’s Corner: Accepting the Broken Dreams in Your Life

Years ago I believed that if I prayed enough and said the right scriptures for what I was believing for, my dreams would come to pass. I did everything I knew to do with the hope if I just did the right thing, maybe God would hear me and cause my heart’s desire to come to pass. I tried fasting, having other people intercede for my situation, following what other people did to get their “blessing,” I have begged and pleaded with God too many times to count, stood on the Word of God and truly believed that I could have what I ask for if I did not doubt, and I have broken generational “curses” off my family line. I have been standing and believing for certain situations for over a decade.

When your dreams get shattered in half, you are left with tiny pieces of your life that you try to pick back up. You don’t know where to begin. You may feel lost as what direction to take now. What do you do when everything you wanted is far out of your reach, and people who are not even serving God get the very thing you have desired? It seems all is lost and everything is lifeless. You have been left with a pile of “dead, dry bones.” You think, “Can these dry bones ever live again?” Picking up the broken pieces of your now dead dream can feel impossible. You might think, “What now, how can I move on?” Holding onto a broken dream that has been crushed, is not something you can repair. God alone can pick up your broken pieces that now have been scattered and He can begin the rebuilding phase. If you try and rebuild your broken dreams, it will most likely lead to disappointment. The story of Ruth in the Bible is a great example of God’s redeeming broken dreams. I’m sure Naomi’s dream did not consist of losing her husband and son and have no one to provide or take care of her. BUT GOD, took her shattered dreams and caused great blessings to come from her tragedy.

Perhaps you have endured many broken dreams, a failed marriage, infertility, miscarriage, a prodigal child, being single when you want to be married, or death of a loved one. We all have our dreams for our lives. Some of our dreams we have had since we were children. Most little girls dream about becoming a mommy and wife. When our dreams go unfulfilled, a deep longing can persist and a void for that dream. A longing that goes unfulfilled can bring great anguish to the soul. Our faith during this time will be tested. You can experience various degrees of grief and sadness over what did not take place, or perhaps what did take place. Searching for meaning and purpose after dreams are broken can become overwhelming, especially when you did not have a back-up plan!

Reflect and ponder: Where is your hope found? People, your job, money, or in Christ. Have you felt disappointed that your dreams for your life have not come to pass or have your dreams have been broken?

Counselor’s Corner:

Accepting your life does not mean you never hope. Acceptance means what does happen in your life is out of your control.

How to begin accepting the broken dreams in your life:

1.      Give all your dreams (the broken ones and the ones you are still hoping for) to God. Ask God to “Give you only what He wants you to have.” If you beg God enough for something, He may give you what you want but you may soon realize what you thought you wanted is not good for you.

2.      Begin to enjoy the life that you currently have, not when you get married, have children, or your prodigal comes to their senses. What in your life is good, is a blessing? Enjoy those things and not be so consumed with what you don’t have. Don’t say, “I’ll be happy when__________.” Be content with your life as it is.

3.      Grief is important for releasing broken dreams and the way that you thought it would have turned out.

4.      Use your pain for gain. After you have healed from the broken dreams, ask God to show you how He can use what you went through for your good.

5.      Believe that God is a redeemer and He does restore. You may not get exactly what you thought you would, but He can still bring great blessings to you despite your heartache. Read the book of Ruth to gain greater insight into God redeeming lost and broken dreams.

God grant me the serenity (peace)

To accept the things I cannot change

Courage to change the things that I can

And the wisdom to know the difference.

What is in your control to change? Are the broken dreams in your life out of your control to resurrect? Only God can breathe life back into dead dreams.

Broken dreams are opportunities for new beginnings.

MEDITATE ON THESE SCRIPTURES:

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

Psalm 147:3

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the affiliations of the righteous but the Lord delivers him out of them all. He keeps all his bones; not one of them is broken.

Psalm 34:18-20

Emotional Healing

To give them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they may be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified. Isaiah 61:3

What does beauty for ashes mean?

Ashes refers to the adversities in life and beauty refers to how the Lord can turn around those adversities that He might be glorified.

We should never hold onto our past, otherwise we become victims of our circumstances, it is vitally important we understand our early emotional wounds and uncover or expose them to gain healing. A lot of the time those early childhood wounds are carried over into our adolescent years and then “rooted” into our adult years. Rooted meaning grown deep into our soul. We can begin to act out or behave externally but internally where the roots are really determine why we act or behave externally. Exposing these roots is the first step to healing. We may not even know why we get angry, depressed, or fearful, but there is something internal or deep within us that has not been rooted out of us.

The Holy Spirit can shed His spotlight on the hidden or unexposed areas of trauma/abuse in our lives. But a word of caution, don’t try and force revelation, let the Holy Spirit, in His time and His way expose those areas. You may not be ready to deal with certain areas yet, so don’t push ahead of God’s leading. A lot of the times we have to work out our healing, and undoing a lifetime of emotional wounding takes time, so be patient with yourself. God desires that you are healed and made whole. His desire is to redeem you and restore you. Emotional healing starts when we uncover the deep roots of pain first, it is what I like to call the first layer. Then the second layer can be exposed and healed, and lastly the last layer can be exposed and dealt with. We will explore these layers in greater detail. An analogy of your healing is like pealing an onion, when you peel an onion it is one layer at a time. As with our emotional healing, it is one layer at a time. Peeling off all our layers at once could be painful and overall we would not get a complete healing.

Types of emotional wounds that need to be healed from early/late childhood (first layer):

1.    Abuse-physical, mental, emotional, and sexual

2.    Early exposure to false religions or belonging to a religious system

3.    Betrayal- family/friendships

4.    Rejection-family/friendships

5.    Death, divorce, illness of parents of close relatives

6.    Unstable, chaotic, or violent home environment

7.    Bullying by family/peers

Most important relationship during this time: family. So your early family relationships are very important in your emotional health and well-being.

Types of emotional wounds that need to be healed from late adolescence/early adulthood (second layer):

1.    Betrayal in friendships/relationships with significant others

2.    Relationship break-ups

3.    Rape (date rape)

4.    Abuse in relationships with family/friends, dating relationships

5.    Crisis pregnancy

6.    Abortion, miscarriage

7.    Death, divorce, illness of parents, friends, or loved ones

8.    Not able to find a career or purpose in life

Most important relationship during this time: friendships. So if there has been major trauma with friendship during this time the greater the emotional wounding.

Types of emotional wounds that need to be healed from latter years in life (third layer).

1.    Divorce

2.    Betrayal, rejection, abuse or abandonment of spouse/friendships

3.    Stagnant in career. Many perceived failures as a result

4.    Rape

5.    Death, divorce, illness of spouse, children, family, or friendships.

6.    Miscarriage, abortion, and/or infertility

7.    Prodigal children

8.    Spiritual abuse/manipulation of leadership in your church

9.    Caretaking roles (sick children, parents)

10.  Empty nest

11.  Extended family members in crisis

12.  Lose of job, finances and/or stability

Most important relationship during this time: Significant other (spouse). So if you have been emotionally wounded by a spouse during this time, the greater the emotional wounds.

These layers of emotional wounds are not all inclusive, you may find that your emotional wounds are not listed. This is just a guide so you can add any other layers of healing that you need to. If you have never received healing from early childhood and early adult years then the layers of emotional wounds can merge and you can begin to experience external behaviors that are surfacing from internal root issues.

Healing occurs first when we have a desire and believe God does want our emotional healing.

Here are some action steps you can take towards your healing:

1.         Pray and ask God for emotional healing. Don’t underestimate this critical step towards your healing. Don’t relent and don’t give up until you receive your healing. Pray this prayer if you need some help getting started:

Heavenly Father,

Thank you Father that you desire to heal and restore me. I ask you to bring restoration to my emotions, and to redeem the years the enemy has stolen. Would you make me whole and bind-up all my emotional wounds. In Jesus name.

2.        Journal, write out your pain, your true feelings. Writing or journaling has proven to be an important therapeutic tool for recovery. If you need help or assistance during this time, I offer email counseling to women.  I can also pray in agreement with you for your healing. You can email me @ Hopeandencouragment4women@gmail.com. Write out your life story, from earliest childhood memories to present, but don’t force this unless the Holy Spirit prompts this. The Holy Spirit will only lead you to this step to expose and bring healing, not to bring more pain.

3.        Spend daily time with the Lord. Read the Bible, pray, sing, meditate, and journal what God speaks to you.

4.        Write out your blessings every day! This step helps with feelings of being a victim and with self-pity. Make a blessings journal, write down (5) things to be thankful for every day.

5.        Read Joyce Meyer’s book, “Beauty for Ashes.” Excellent read and recommended for people suffering from emotional wounds. The first time I read “Beauty for Ashes” I received salvation at the end of reading that book. Other reading recommendations: Joyce Meyer’s, “Battlefield of the Mind.” Dr. Dan Allender’s, “Hope for adult victims of childhood sexual abuse.” My book, “Wilderness Mentality.” You can find these books at amazon.com and you can also find my book at www.createspace.com/4036785

6.        Rest and be still as God is working on you. Love and forgive yourself. Forgive others that you hurt you; including your offenders.

7.        Write a letter to your offenders or to the people that have hurt you. You don’t have to send it! If God leads you, confront your offenders in love and with forgiveness. This step should ONLY be done under the direction and leading of the Holy Spirit.

8.        Know who you are in Christ. You can download from Joyce Meyer’s ministries a copy of “Who you are in Christ.”

9.        Be gentle with yourself, healing takes time. You did not get here overnight, so be patient with yourself.

10.      Start finding enjoyment in the small things in life. Begin to enjoy your life.

11.        Exercise, especially walking to relieve stress that can accompany emotional wounds.

12.      Love yourself and think of yourself the way you would want someone to treat you. Accept and love yourself, right where you are and who God created you to be.

13.      Watch your thinking and negative thought patterns and speech. CHOOSE to be thankful, positive, and faith-filled.

Not allowing the emotional healing you need can lead to greater emotional wounds. It is better to work through your pain then to numb your pain or repress the pain. When we repress our pain, the pain just does not disappear but will manifest in other external behaviors.

Here are some distinct ways our unresolved pain can manifest:

1.        Drug/alcohol abuse

2.        Anger

3.        Depression

4.        Worry/anxiety

5.        Constant need for approval

6.        People pleasing

7.        Fear; fear of man

8.        Guilt; condemnation

9.        Shame

10.      Inability to trust others

11.      Difficulty connecting or maintaining relationships

12.      Lack of joy; difficulty finding enjoyment in life

13.      Lack of true peace

14.      Discontentment

15.      Easily offended/hurt

16.      Pretense-false self to hide the real you

Take the journey to your healing, God desires your healing and emotional healing can happen!