Counselor's Corner: Freedom from False Guilt

 False guilt tells you that you have done something wrong when you have not.

People who are codependent suffer from false guilt more than others do.

Codependents have internalized shame, which fosters a guilty conscience when they are not able to fulfill others needs. Codependents are especially hard on themselves and tend to feel guilty when they are not able to meet everyone’s demands. Codependents are easily manipulated and receive the blame from other people for not complying with their wishes. Codependents are usually the ones who say that they are sorry and try to make peace in order to avoid other’s being upset or disappointed with them.

Codependents feel guilty for not doing enough or giving enough. Codependents usually are connected to relationships that are unhealthy and that foster enabling type of behaviors. Codependents rarely feel free to say, “No,” and when they do they are loaded down with guilt. Codependents often hear internal statements such as, “you should be, you ought to, you need to, and/or you could have.”

Many codependents will go to great lengths to please others, often at the expense of their health, energy and finances.

Codependents feel responsible for others, including fixing and solving other people’s problems. Allowing other people to suffer consequences of their poor choices is most difficult for the codependent, as they will often come to the rescue of the one who needs recuing. Unfortunately, the one who needs recuing knows that the rescuer is kind-hearted and compassionate and will take advantage of this. Codependents often feel guilty for others actions and behaviors.

Codependents deny their needs and will place others needs and wants first. If you are a Christian, the sense of false guilt can be more extreme since there is a belief that Christians should give and give until there is nothing left to give. As a Christian, giving to others should be sacrificial and more importantly Holy Spirit led. God does not expect you to meet every want or need that comes in your path, sometimes God needs to work in that person’s life without your intervention. The enemy will send people in your path to distract you, derail you, and exhaust you. As a Christian, it is imperative that you are in tune with the Holy Spirit as to who to help and how to help. Especially for those who keep coming to you to have their “leaky cups” filled. A leaky cup has to be filled up often, and if you continue to pour into others leaky cups, you can become exhausted.

Codependents feel anxiety and guilt when other people have problems. Codependents will feel compelled to help solve other’s problems, including offering unwanted advice and suggestions. Codependents anticipate others needs and figure out ways to help with those needs. Codependents will abandon their routine to respond to or do something for someone else, and when they don’t, they feel guilty.

When something goes wrong, the codependent will blame themselves, which leads to guilt. Codependents feel guilty if they take care of themselves or spend money on themselves, because they should be helping others with their money and time.

Guilt should not preoccupy your thoughts. If you are playing over and over in your head why you had to set a boundary or could not fulfill a need, this can lead to depression, shame and self-punishment. Self-punishment can come in the form of not enjoying your life or allowing yourself to laugh. Self-punishment that stems from guilt says, “why should you be having fun and laughing when you should be (fill in the blank).

Guilt saps energy and the joy out of life.

Codependents who continue to rescue, problem-solve, help others relentlessly, and feel guilt for saying no or setting boundaries; not only will experience false guilt but lethargy, depression, hopelessness, anxiety, worry, escapism, sickness and mental/emotional problems. Some codependents get so physically and mentally drained that they have thoughts of suicide.

Freedom from codependency is possible, and important for your overall mental, emotional and spiritual well-being. If you are feeling emotionally, mentally and/or physically exhausted from repeatedly recusing, problem-solving and feeling guilty for not doing for others, then you must get serious about your freedom from codependency.

Freedom from false guilt starts with asking yourself the following questions:

·         Do you have a sense of peace about helping or do you feel pressure or a lack of peace?

·         Do you have strength? Spiritual, physical and/or mental?

·         Do you have an inner knowing deep inside from Holy Spirit that you should be doing this or that?

·         Do you have to figure out what you should do, or is the solution to the problem illuminated and you just know what to do?

·         Have you asked God if you should help? What did He tell you to do? Listen carefully because God does speak to His children.

·         Do you feel responsible for offering the solution to someone’s problem? If someone does not directly ask you for advice or help-don’t give it. Don’t try and figure out ways to help but be still and wait for God to show you. It is very likely if you have repeatedly intervened and helped someone, God will likely have you to pray but not physically or finically intervene.

·         Are you able to place boundaries in relationships without feeling like you’re doing something wrong?

·         Are you able to say to others request and not feel guilty for doing so?

·         Do you tend to condemn yourself if you are not pleasing others?

If you do not have the promoting of the Holy Spirit to intervene then move on and enjoy your life without punishing yourself. It is okay to set boundaries, to say no, and to have limits. Know your limits. Know when your helping is no longer helping but instead just placing a bandage over that you would have to replace over and over again. God is capable of helping the ones we love. God works in peace, flow, order, grace and strength, and the enemy works in disorder, chaos, drama, turmoil, pressure and guilt. Guilt never comes from God. God convicts us of sin but does not load us down with heaps of guilt. If you feel guilt for not helping, doing for others or setting boundaries, check the source!

Word of Encouragement: Counselor’s Corner: Be Free From Entanglements with Others!

We are called to be Holy and to live righteously before God. We are also called to be a light in this dark world, but what happens when you become entangled in helping others?

Merriam-Webster defines entanglement as something that entangles, confuses, or ensnares. The condition of being deeply involved. Synonyms for entanglement are web, mesh, net, noose, quicksand, snare, toil, and trap.

Free Dictionary defines entanglement as twisting together or entwine into a confusing mass. To complicate or confuse.

Have you ever tried to help someone repeatedly and felt you were getting entangled in their problems?

The more you try and help the more you feel like you are getting into quicksand and you feel there is no answer to their situations, which in turn causes you frustration. You start second guessing if you are a “real Christian.” You feel a sense of false guilt over not being able to cope and handle all the problems that others bring to you. Many times the very people you are entangled with are piling heaps of guilt and manipulation upon you. This is especially difficult when dealing with loved ones and family. There is a deeper entanglement that comes from the ones we love. We don’t want them to suffer and to hurt, but what happens when all the helping is not helping but hurting you?

The enemy will bring situations and people into you path to distract and derail your purposes. There are some signs to watch for when you have gone too deep with someone.

1.      Did you feel prompted by the Holy Spirit to intervene or was it pressure from the other person or a desire to please?

2.      Are you struggling with your walk with God? Feeling spiritually bankrupt? Your time with God is lacking and you are having trouble focusing on hearing God’s voice.

3.      You may feel discouraged, defeated, and like a failure.

4.      You feel stress, turmoil, tension, strife, chaos, and confusion.

5.      You can’t seem to get a clear or direct answer from the person you are trying to help. It seems when you talk with the person you are trying to help it appears muddy or confusing.

6.      You may experience fatigue and even sickness.

7.      The person you are trying to help does not listen to the advice you are trying to give to them, and they continue to do what they are doing; meanwhile still wanting you to fix their problems.

8.      You begin to feel frustrated, irritable, and maybe even angry.

9.      You are consumed with trying to intervene, and maybe even losing sleep as a result. Your focus is on their situation, and not on Christ.

10.  Your peace is gone and joy has dissipated.

11.  No amount of intervention or help is never enough for the person or people you are entangled with.

12.  You feel emotionally, physically and spiritually drained.

13.  You feel distracted and out of balance.

14.   You feel like you are on an emotional roller coaster ride with their issues.

15.  You try and point them to Jesus but discern they are not sincere in seeking Him.

You may be dealing with a toxic person. To get entangled in a toxic person’s issues is dangerous to your mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being. Not all people who say they want help, in fact really want help.

If the Holy Spirit is leading you, there will be harmony, peace, and a desire to be around the other person you are trying to help. If you begin to dread being around that person or talking to them, it is a sign that it is not a healthy relationship and the Holy Spirit is not directing you.

Restoration and reconciliation are always hoped for in these types of relationships, but until Christ is at the center some precautions need to be made for your sanity.

1.      Take a time-out from these destructive relationships. Regain your peace and order. Ask the Lord Jesus to step-in and take full control, and you step out before you go under with them.

2.      Confront in love. The person that repeatedly causes drama and chaos in your life should be confronted as the Holy Spirit directs. Don’t do this in anger, but with the hope of true repentance.

3.      Set proper boundaries and consequences. This is important in dealing with ones who say they are sorry but continue to repeat the same behaviors over and over again. You will need to keep a guard up, and observe their behavior for a time (a solid year of consistent behavior is a good indication of true change), before realigning your life to theirs.

4.      Keep in mind that Jesus is not expecting to wear yourself out to help others who are not really helping themselves.

5.      Begin taking care of you and foster the good and positive relationships in your life. Stay away from toxic and negative people as much as possible. Nurture yourself and love yourself.

6.      Many times when we are engaged with other toxic people we neglect our other relationships that are satisfying. Take time to rebuild and restore satisfying relationships.

7.      Forgive yourself and let go of all guilt. Guilt is a tool straight from the pit of hell. It NEVER comes from God.

Remain in love and forgiveness towards ones who abuse and hurt you. Don’t allow any bitterness or anger to cause you to stumble.

Sometimes we have to “let go and let God,” and that can include letting go of people who really don’t want help.

Stand fast in the liberty wherewith Christ hath made us free, and not to be entangled again with the yoke of bondage. Galatians 5:1, KJV

Soldiers don’t get tied up in the affairs of civilian life, for then they cannot please the officer who enlisted them. 2 Timothy 2:4, NLT

Word of Encouragement from the Counselor’s Corner: When Carrying the Burdens of Others Becomes Heavy

Most are familiar with the scripture from Galatians 6:2,”Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. “But what happens when this is out of balance, or you have a very tender heart and carrying other’s burdens makes you feel heavy?

 I thought it was my “Christian duty” to help, listen, and provide emotional support to WHOEVER needed it and WHENEVER they needed it. But, I was drowning while I was trying to uphold the burdens of everyone else. Burden bearers are sensitive people and can perceive the emotional distress and pain of others, they often “carry” the weight of what is being told to them. They also have a misunderstanding of the scripture form Galatians 6:2, and take that scripture to mean at all costs!

I am naturally a helper and I will give you all of myself even if I have nothing left to give. However, I realized some things, “Does God really want us to carry the burdens of everyone until we are sick or heavy emotionally?” I came to the conclusion that for me to maintain proper health, I could no longer do what I did before. There had to be changes to be made.

 I have learned to limit my time talking with people on the phone or in person, to save energy and boundaries with my time. I used to talk with people for hours, usually about their problems and needs. But now I limit how long I speak to others. I have limits and boundaries on my time, before I had none. If someone wanted to meet me to talk or to have lunch, I would find myself there with them all day, while they laid their cares upon me. People can usually sense when you are tender, caring, compassionate, and a good listener, and some WILL take advantage of that. Now, I will listen for a short time, and then offer to pray immediately. I have learned that sometimes talking it all out with someone drains me emotionally, but praying with them does not. I have also learned that sometimes others have to carry their own loads and be responsible for their lives. I cannot take responsibly for the actions of others. Sometimes, I do well in just carrying my own load, much less the loads of others. I have also learned that everything I hear or are exposed to, that I surrender it immediately to God. Then I wait on God, to tell me to what to do. Sometimes, it is simply to just intercede in prayer. I am learning not to feel the crushing weight that I do when I know someone is in pain or in trouble. How? By praying continually for relief and for their situation. I also ask God to cover me and shield me from all demonic exposure and false responsibly and heavy burdens.

 I am certain God does not want us carrying the burdens of others until we are wiped-out physically, mentally or spiritually.

We can listen to others, but don’t allow them to consume all your energy and time. If someone is going through a crisis, of course, you may give a little more of your time; such as when someone experiences a death. But when the same person, with the same problems wants to continually talk, and talk, and talk and deplete you of your energy; it’s time to put limits.

There are some people who are used by the enemy to wear you out and bankrupt you emotionally and spiritually. Ask yourself how you feel after you speak with them or are around them?

You will know because they have the SAME problems, they really don’t listen to anything you say to them, and you feel heavy, burdened, and exhausted after speaking with them.

Reflection Questions: What changes do you believe God is asking of you to enjoy your life and not be riddled with false guilt and heavy burdens of others?  Do you believe taking care of yourself is important? How is your emotional health? Physical health? Spiritual health? Do you tend to go around the “same mountains” with the same people? Is it time to release your loved ones to the only One who can help?

Freedom in Christ

Take some time and sit with Jesus and ask Him how your life would be if:

How would you feel if you did not carry false guilt (what if, should be, or could be doing)?

How would you feel if you did not worry about your family and other nagging issues?

What if you did not need a substance or chemical to feel alive and to have pleasure?

What would your life be like if you did not compare your life to anyone else’s life? Simply content with your lot in life.

What would your life be like if you no longer cared so much what people thought of you? It’s great if others like you, but if they do not-you are okay!

How would you feel if you no longer condemned yourself or beat yourself up for your shortcomings, mistakes, and weaknesses? What if you accepted yourself completely, shortcomings and all?

What if you began to see yourself as worthy and with value? What if you believed you have purpose and your life does matter?

What would your life be like if you did not try and figure out the outcomes and instead rested and trusted God for the outcomes?

How would your life be if you totally and radically trusted Jesus? Even if your prayers “seemingly” go unanswered and you stand by and watch other people get the very blessings that you want.

What would your life be like if you loved people the way Christ wants you to, not how other people want you to love them?

How would your life be if you did not get easily offended and did not speak judgmentally and critically of other people?

What would your life be like if you focused on the good and not the negative, and your words magnified the good instead of all your problems?

What would your life be like if you did not live in a constant state of panic and stress? What if you adopted the mindset, “Take life as it comes?”

What if you are okay with being misunderstood by people because you choose to follow and serve Christ?

What if you could truly enjoy life without feeling guilty that others don’t have what you have?

What if you could be led by the Holy Spirit and not what man wants from you?

What if you lived knowing that you are a child of God, adopted into His family and are no longer an orphan? What if you knew that Jesus does love you even if you don’t get everything that you want?

What if you loved God with all your heart, soul, and strength and placed no “idols” before Him (including family, work or ministry)?

What if you truly let go of all the expectations that you have of people, if they choose to be a benefit and blessing to you-that’s great, but if they choose to do things that cause you pain, you can release and forgive them.

What if you did not let anyone disappoint you with their actions?

What if you did not live bitter because of your life’s circumstances and was truly happy when others got exactly what you have been praying for.

What if you could experience FREEDOM? Jesus wants us FREE in ALL these areas so that we can experience life in abundance and enjoy life to the fullest (John 10:10).

Having this type of FREEDOM will require some basic steps for you:

1)      Love God FIRST-He must get first place in every area of your life. Place nothing before Him. Focus on things above, not on things on Earth-become eternity focused.

2)      Push away the distractions that will come to steal your time with God and to steal your peace and joy. Distractions can come through people, phone calls and texts, the internet, and nuisances.

3)      Care more about what God thinks about you than what others think about you. People will have an opinion about you but if you know whose you are and what He has called you to do you can rise above people’s opinions.

4)      Live in the present, the moment-not projecting the future. Don’t plan too far ahead and hold your plans loosely in case Jesus wants to interrupt your plans.

5)      Never compare yourself to anyone. Jesus has a unique plan for each of us. If you try and conform to the world and what the world is doing, you will feel very lost.

FREEDOM in Christ means More joy, More peace, More love, More contentment, and More enjoyment of your life. You can have FREEDOM in Christ by following Jesus not the ways of the world. Jesus said He came to Earth to “proclaim freedom,” and He said “if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed” (John 8:36). Jesus was not saying free to do whatever we wanted, but free to be the kind of people He created us to be. We are all under the power of the natural tendency to sin, and sin has brought a penalty. But we have the freedom to choose life over sin and death, and that comes from accepting Jesus Christ’s sacrifice for our sins on the cross and accepting and believing that. We are no longer under sin’s grasp-we have been freed. Like a prisoner, the cell doors have been unlocked for all of us to get out by Jesus Christ. As we submit to Christ and His ways, sin loses its grip on us. When we choose to trust and follow Christ our sin habits and bad attitudes lose their control over our lives. True freedom is not doing whatever pleases your flesh, because that will lead you back into the prison without a way out.

The way out of your prison (sin) and to freedom is: obeying and trusting Jesus.

Healing From Co-Dependency

What is Co-Dependency?

Co-Dependency is a bondage to please other people. Co-Dependents allow another person’s behavior to affect them, and other people’s problems to become their problems. They look for ways to try and fix and solve other people’s problems. Co-dependents are by nature a helper and a “fixer.” They pick up the pieces in other people’s lives, and don’t allow them to suffer natural consequences of their decisions. Co-Dependents are plagued by false guilt and a false sense of responsibility for people. They get so enmeshed in other people’s problems that it exhausts them, and they often feel their “cup is empty.” They often feel used by others, and that their needs really don’t matter. Often the Co-Dependent feels alone and overwhelmed. Co-Dependents feel the “weight of the world” on their shoulders.

Who is Likely to be Co-Dependent?

·        Family of origin (the family that you were born into) that placed you in the role as the “fixer” in the family. A fixer is responsible for solving family problems and issues. The fixer has the answers and the solution.

·        Being in a relationship or have a family member that has an addiction issue.

·        Having a rebellious child, a prodigal child, or mentally-ill child.

·        Inability to say, “No” to others and difficulty setting boundaries with others.

·        Being a people pleaser and having a fear of displeasing man. Fear of letting others down and others being angry at you.

·        History of childhood trauma-abuse, domestic violence in the home, divorce, ill parent (either physical or mental).

·        Being involved in a relationship with an abusive partner as an adult.

Co-dependents try to fix, rescue, and help, but no matter how much they try they always end-up feeling like a failure. Co-dependents never feel they can do enough. Co-dependents can easily analyze other people’s problems, and give them a solution to their problems. Co-dependents feel responsible for making other people happy. Saying, “No” to a person’s need is almost impossible for the co-dependent, and especially if the co-dependent is a Christian. Co-dependent Christians fear they can’t measure up to the Christian responsibilities, and struggle with guilt when they don’t help others.

Co-dependents are often compassionate and tender-hearted people that carry the burdens of others. Instead of empathizing with you, the co-dependent will sympathize with you. They have a difficult time not taking on the hurt and pain of others. They often “feel” the pain of others. If you tell a co-dependent a problem they instinctively begin looking for how to solve your problem. They are by-nature problem-solvers, and many have been solving problems in their family since childhood. Co-dependents can be easily controlled by others and easily manipulated because of their tender nature and desire to help. Some people know this and will attempt to take advantage of the co-dependent’s good-nature.

Codependents do what they do to gain a sense of self-worth and to gain love and acceptance that many have been looking for since childhood. They are trying to fill a void and deep pain in their lives by helping others, than they will feel useful and important. If a co-dependent helps someone they feel elated, and if they fail to help someone, they will feel like a failure.

Key Factors to Consider When Healing From Co-Dependency:

Get a journal and begin to pray through each one of these questions. Take your time, and allow the Holy Spirit to reveal the cause of your Codependency and specific steps for your healing.

1.      What is the root/origin of your co-dependency? If you don’t know ask the Holy Spirit to show you. What was your “role” in your family of origin? Fixer, etc. Did you experience role-reversal as a child? In other words did you play the role of parent and your parent (s) played the role of the child?

2.      What are your motives for co-dependency? Fear of rejection, fear of failure, avoidance of pain, gain approval by others, feel a sense of worth.

3.      Who fuels your co-dependency? Why? How do these people make you feel when you don’t do what they want? Do they withdraw from you, manipulate you, and reject you.

4.      Do you have an exaggerated perception of life? Things and people are all good or all bad. You tend to see people and situations in black and white?

5.      Do you feel valuable and worthy when you help or rescue someone? Do you feel guilty when you can’t help someone?

6.      Do you feel guilty when you say, “No” to others or when you take care of yourself?

7.      Are your emotions dependent on the responses of others? Ex., if she is sad, I must have done something to hurt her, it is my fault she is sad.

8.      Do you feel responsible for making other’s happy, not just in your family?

9.      Have you taken the place of God in other people’s lives? If someone has a need, your response is, “I’ll meet it.” Do you prevent others from developing responsibility in their own lives? Co-dependents should let other’s do things for themselves, but often they step in.

10.  Do you put on a façade for other people to cover your pain? Do you have a hard time admitting your problems? Don’t feel like bothering anyone else with your needs?

11.  As a Christian, do you feel you can’t measure up to the high expectations of the Christian life?

12.  Do you feel you can gain worth by serving God? Do you plunge into activities and service for the hope of being recognized by others?

How to Start Healing From Co-Dependency:

1.      Recognize you didn’t get here overnight, and it will be a process of recovery.

2.      Find healthy Christians to be around, just don’t surround yourself with users, drainers, toxic, needy people, or other co-dependent people.  

3.      Detach from relationships as needed. Detach and pray, then when you are strong enough and God has allowed you to enter in the relationship again, than do so. This applies to family relationships, but friendships may be detached longer or permantely through the leading of Holy Spirit. Detachment always has the hope of reconciliation with that person, but if you feel you are relapsing into co-dependency and you reservoirs are on empty, it is okay to detach from a relationship for a time.

4.      When needs and problems come your way, don’t react and come up with a solution immediately. You can say to that person, “I need time to pray about that” or “I need God to direct me first before I make a decision.” Then go and pray before offering solutions, advice, help, or rescuing. Oftentimes, God does not want us to intervene because He is trying to work something out in their lives.

5.      Don’t assume that God wants you to rescue, help, and fix every problem that comes into your path, this can be especially difficult for the Christian. We are taught about servant hood and self-sacrifice and to put other’s needs ahead of our own. But God does not expect us to give on “empty,” and Jesus did not heal every sick person nor help every single person that came into His contact. We have to have discernment to know when God says “Step in,” and when He is leading us from not intervening.

6.      Don’t anticipate the needs of others. Listen to them and let them ask for help, but don’t offer up help that they are not asking for. A lot of the time people will tell you their woes hoping you will help, but it is better if they ask directly for the needs that they have. Even if they do ask for help, you can still say that you need to pray first and get back to them.

7.      Do not rescue compulsively. You will have to be on guard for this because you will be presented needs and you will want to rescue.

8.      Set limits in your life. Recognize and be aware what people in your life get you entangled in the trap of co-dependency.

9.      Start taking care of yourself. Do things that you enjoy. Keep your eyes focused on Jesus and not on other people’s issues. This can be a challenge for the co-dependent if you have been surrounded by needs, so this is where detachment for a time is important.

10.  Read and research all you can about co-dependency, preferably from a Christian perspective. A good online Christian Co-Dependent recovery program can be found at: www.christiancodependence.com

Why I have had a Hard Time with False Guilt

I have always wanted to please others and do whatever was necessary to avoid conflict. My family has been quit unhealthy since as far back as I can remember. I knew from an early age that I wanted better for my life and the constant barrage of conflicts and confusion that stemmed from addictions in my family and various mental illnesses. I was desperate to be different, but I did not know how to be. I was always searching for the next thing to make me better, but nothing seemed to last. Sure, I tried to manage and cope with life through various addictions as my family had, but I got sick and tired of that lifestyle. I was not taught about having a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, but God sent a minister into my path to show me God’s love. I rejected the “message” at first, but I was desperate because I had been to “hell and back.” I eventually turned my heart to God and ask Jesus to be my Savior. Fast forward, 17 years later and I am out of that deep, dark pit that I was in, but my family has chosen to stay there. I want them out, because I know the life that God given me, and I want them to have what I have.

I had developed false guilt because I tried and tried to step-in and help my family, only to come away feeling like I never do enough. It seemed no matter what I would do for them, they needed more and more. I felt a false duty to do whatever I needed to “get them to Christ,” but as a result I began having an overactive conscience and never could rest. I was always trying to figure out how I could help them. I began doing things for my family out of guilt and family obligation, because that’s “what family’s do.”

If you have endured false guilt, then you know that it causes you to be worn-out. Always trying to please others and get their approval, because you want to make others happy. The mission for someone who suffers from false guilt is proving their worthiness to others-you will love me if I do __________. You never know if you measure to the standards of others, so you live with a lot of uncertainty. Thus, you try harder to win their approval, but you don’t and the cycle continues.

The bottom line is that I feared losing those relationships that caused me to act out of guilt, because then I would know that I was unworthy, unacceptable and rejected. Not only do I not want someone to be mad at me, but I am a natural-born “rescuer.” This combination can be a breeding ground for developing a false sense of guilt. If I hear or see a need, then I automatically assume that it is there for me to pick up, and if I don’t I can hear very negative messages about myself. What I am learning through all of this, is that when God wants you to intervene you will not struggle with heavy guilt, and you won’t have to figure-out how to solve the problem. There will be an inner “knowing” or nudging inside when you are supposed to help. When the enemy is involved he sends waves of pressure like, “You should be helping.” You will also hear condemning messages such as,” What kind of daughter are you not to intervene, its family and that is what you do.”

Condemnation always comes from the enemy. If the Lord is not in something and you pick it up anyways, there will be no active solution. For instance, you were asked to help in a situation with a family member but you did not have God’s peace but because it is family you tried to step-in only to be met with frustration after frustration concerning their problem. Yes, we are supposed to help and encourage others, but when we REPEATEDLY offer our energy and resources to ones who are not getting it in hopes that “this time will help,” we can carry heavy loads of false guilt on our shoulders. It is amazing how certain people know what to say to get you to do what they want, but if you rely on the leading of the Holy Spirit instead of emotions you will know what you are supposed to do. Take time and step away and pray first, the enemy is in the business of making you rush and feel hurried to give an answer immediately, others can make you feel it is an emergency when in fact it is not. Feeling hurried, pressured and confused are great indicators that God does not want you involved. If you have to conjure up the solution yourself to someone else’s problem after racking your brain for days, chances are God is not in it. God gives the solution, He does not leave you empty-handed grasping for solutions-He is the solution! 

God always makes a way, and if we are trying to solve problems for our families or other relationships we can end up anxious, fearful, depressed, sick, and exhausted. Why? Because God maybe trying to get that person to turn to Him, instead of you to fix their problems. When God has something for you to do, there is no guilt, heaviness, or burdens attached to it. You just know deep down inside what you need to do, but when the enemy sets you up to get entangled in others problems that God did not call you to-be careful because you can easily be deceived and enmeshed.

There is freedom from false guilt, and it starts with acknowledging the “roots” of why we do what we do? Lack of trust towards God, people approval, fear of rejection. Then acknowledging what is sin and confessing it to the Lord and asking Jesus to deliver us from false guilt.