Counselor's Corner: You Will Know Them By Their Fruits

We all have difficult people in our lives. As a Christian, it can be challenging to know how to cope with a difficult person-especially if they are a Christian!

A difficult person can be defined as one who repeatedly causes harm to self or others, takes little or no reasonability for their actions or lives, expects others to fix, solve, rescue, or help continually, they are not genuine but are known to be dishonest or not trustworthy, and uses manipulative tactics to gain what they desire.  A difficult person may talk a lot about what they are going to do, but you rarely see evidence of their talk turning into action. Difficult people rarely keep their word. You learn not to expect anything from the difficult person because they are not known for keeping promises.

A difficult Christian can be the fore mentioned listed and as well as have “bad fruit.” You will know them by their fruits they produce. The Holy Spirit produces the fruit of righteousness in terms of the character we have and the way that we live our lives. In contrast to the fruit of the spirit, the Apostle Paul listed the opposite kind of fruit people can produce, calling these “works of the flesh,” these include: adultery, fornication, lewdness, uncleanliness, idolatry, sorcery, hatred, contentions, jealousies, outbursts of wrath, selfish ambition, dissensions, envy, murder, drunkenness, revelries and the like.

We are responsible to produce the fruit of the spirit in our lives (joy, peace, love, long suffering, gentleness, kindness, goodness, and faithfulness), but we must also be responsible to discern the fruit produced by others.

→How do we avoid judging another wrongly? We evaluate the consistent actions in a person’s life.

Jesus warned us to put people to the test by examining their actions. Jesus told us not to just pay attention to people’s words, but look at how they live. If we look at the actions of the difficult person or people in our lives rather than their words alone; we may not get misled!

Jesus dealt with many difficult people while on earth. Jesus was never prideful or superior, but He showed authority under control. Jesus dealt with difficult people by rebuking some, remaining silent when needed, pointing some to scriptures, and trying to teach some.

 Do you have anyone difficult in your life, perhaps a difficult Christian? How do you deal with that difficult person? Do you tend to be persuaded by people’s words or do you observe their behavior?

Should you continue to allow the difficult person in your life or should you step away for a time and let them go into God’s capable hands?

Some questions to consider…

1.      Have you been attempting to help the difficult person in your life repeatedly either through finances, teaching/guiding, or rescuing from their consequences? The key word is repeatedly. There is a time to help but if the helping becomes chronic or the help never really helps, it is time to stop!

2.      Do you tend to get agitated, frustrated, tense, or stressed when dealing with the difficult person in your life?

3.      Do you lose your peace quickly and end-up with feelings of regret because you lose your peace with the difficult person in your life?

4.      Do you struggle with guilt, condemnation, or feel manipulated by the difficult person in your life?

5.      How is your life better because the difficult person is in your life? In other words, do they add value to your life or take away value?

6.      Does the difficult person in your life take from you instead of the relationship being reciprocal? Is the relationship one-sided? It is okay to help someone who is down on their luck for a time, but if the helping becomes a pattern and the relationship is now one-sided; it is time to reelevate the relationship.

7.      Has the difficult person in your life continually broken your trust and they would like to automatically gain your trust without consistent behavioral changes? Trusting someone with a history of breaking trust without first seeing the evidence of their changes, would be unwise and foolish. My recommendation is for someone with repeated cycles of difficult behavior, to allow at least a full year of observing their actions (not words) to determine if the relationship can be safe for you. In the meantime, make sure you have truly forgiven the difficult person or people in your life, pray daily for them, and speak God’s word over them. If you have to be around the difficult person in your life such as with holidays, do not allow them in your inner court (the deepest part of your heart). If you are married, I am in no way supporting divorce but there are sometimes that you have to be separate if there has been repeated issues of infidelity or abuse.

8.      If you have implemented boundaries with the difficult person in your life, yet somehow, they seem to cross those boundaries- it is time to enforce a consequence. To punish the difficult person? No! but to guard your heart. You can truly love people from a distance, and in many cases, it is best to love from afar, until you know it is safer to engage. You love people from a distance by speaking blessings over them, praying for them, and wanting the best for them.

9.      If being around the difficult person in your life causes you to sin in anyway, this relationship probably is not good for you. You have to ask yourself, “I’m I a good influence in this person’s life or do they influence me (not for good)? Do I tend to get confused when I am around this person?

10.  Does this relationship drain you physically, mentally, spiritually, or even financially? Do you feel burdened when dealing with the difficult person or people in your life?

11.  If you stayed your distance for a time would you have a better appreciation for that person that is difficult for you, and would you have peace and overall sanity?

Family should be our safe haven, but sometimes it is the place that causes our deepest heartaches. Very often we can have difficult family members. Not everyone’s family is safe, supportive, or healthy. Not all families are built on mutual respect. Some families simply are not safe. Some unhealthy families refuse to communicate and thus cause undue tensions to escalate.

Always have hope that Jesus Christ can mend and restore your relationship with that difficult person in your life, and He can change not only you in the process but the difficult person in your life. Expect God to move in the lives of the difficult person in your life while you step away to allow God to transform not only them but you as well. Sometimes difficult people are in our lives not so they will change necessarily, but that we will change and be more Christ-like.

MEDITATE ON THESE SCRIPTURES:

But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.

Matthew 5:44

Every good tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a bad tree bear good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. Therefore, by their fruits you will know them.

Matthew 7:17-20

Daily Encouragement: Counselor’s Corner by Stephanie R. Reck, LMSW, LBT, BCCC :You Will Know Them by Their Fruits

We all have difficult people in our lives. As a Christian, it can be challenging to know how to cope with a difficult person-especially if they are a Christian!

A difficult person can be defined as one who repeatedly causes harm to self or others, takes little or no responsibility for their actions or lives, expects others to fix, solve, rescue, or help continually, they are not genuine but are known to be dishonest or not trustworthy, and uses manipulative tactics to gain what they desire.  A difficult person may talk a lot about what they are going to do, but you rarely see evidence of their talk turning into action. Difficult people rarely keep their word. You learn not to expect anything from the difficult person because they are not known for keeping promises.

A difficult Christian can be the fore mentioned listed and as well as have “bad fruit.” You will know them by their fruits they produce. The Holy Spirit produces the fruit of righteousness in terms of the character we have and the way that we live our lives. In contrast to the fruit of the spirit, the Apostle Paul listed the opposite kind of fruit people can produce, calling these “works of the flesh,” these include: adultery, fornication, lewdness, uncleanliness, idolatry, sorcery, hatred, contentions, jealousies, outbursts of wrath, selfish ambition, dissensions, envy, murder, drunkenness, revelries and the like.

We are responsible to produce the fruit of the spirit in our lives (joy, peace, love, long suffering, gentleness, kindness, goodness, and faithfulness), but we must also be responsible to discern the fruit produced by others.

How do we avoid judging another wrongly? We evaluate the consistent actions in a person’s life.

Jesus warned us to put people to the test by examining their actions. Jesus told us not to just pay attention to people’s words, but look at how they live. If we look at the actions of the difficult person or people in our lives rather than their words alone; we may not get misled!

Jesus dealt with many difficult people while on earth. Jesus was never prideful or superior, but He showed authority under control. Jesus dealt with difficult people by rebuking some, remaining silent when needed, pointing some to scriptures, and trying to teach some.

Reflect and ponder: Do you have anyone difficult in your life, perhaps a difficult Christian? How do you deal with that difficult person? Do you tend to be persuaded by people’s words or do you observe their behavior?

Counselor’s Corner: Should you continue to allow the difficult person in your life or should you step away for a time and let them go into God’s capable hands?

Some questions to consider:

1.      Have you been attempting to help the difficult person in your life repeatedly either through finances, teaching/guiding, or rescuing from their consequences? The key word is repeatedly. There is a time to help but if the helping becomes chronic or the help never really helps, it is time to stop!

2.      Do you tend to get agitated, frustrated, tense, or stressed when dealing with the difficult person in your life?

3.      Do you lose your peace quickly and end-up with feelings of regret because you lose your peace with the difficult person in your life?

4.      Do you struggle with guilt, condemnation, or feel manipulated by the difficult person in your life?

5.      How is your life better because the difficult person is in your life? In other words, do they add value to your life or take away value?

6.      Does the difficult person in your life take from you instead of the relationship being reciprocal? Is the relationship one-sided? It is okay to help someone who is down on their luck for a time, but if the helping becomes a pattern and the relationship is now one-sided; it is time to reelevate the relationship.

7.      Has the difficult person in your life continually broken your trust and they would like to automatically gain your trust without consistent behavioral changes? Trusting someone with a history of breaking trust without first seeing the evidence of their changes, would be unwise and foolish. My recommendation is for someone with repeated cycles of difficult behavior, to allow at least a full year of observing their actions (not words) to determine if the relationship can be safe for you. In the meantime, make sure you have truly forgiven the difficult person or people in your life, pray daily for them, and speak God’s word over them. If you are married, I am in no way supporting divorce but there are sometimes that you have to be separate if there has been repeated issues of infidelity or abuse.

8.      If you have implemented boundaries with the difficult person in your life, yet somehow, they seem to cross those boundaries- it is time to enforce a consequence. To punish the difficult person? No! but to guard your heart. You can truly love people from a distance, and in many cases, it is best to love from afar, until you know it is safer to engage. You love people from a distance by speaking blessings over them, praying for them, and

9.      If being around the difficult person in your life causes you to sin in anyway, this relationship probably is not good for you. You have to ask yourself, “I’m I a good influence in this person’s life or do they influence me (not for good)? Do I tend to get confused when I am around this person?

10.  Does this relationship drain you physically, mentally, spiritually, or even financially? Do you feel burdened when dealing with the difficult person or people in your life?

11.  If you stayed your distance for a time would you have a better appreciation for that person that is difficult for you, and would you have peace and overall sanity?

Family should be our safe haven, but sometimes it is the place that causes our deepest heartaches. Very often we can have difficult family members. Not everyone’s family is safe, supportive, or healthy. Not all families are built on mutual respect. Some families simply are not safe. Some unhealthy families refuse to communicate and thus cause undue tensions to escalate.

MEDITATE ON THESE SCRIPTURES:

But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.

Matthew 5:44

Every good tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a bad tree bear good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. Therefore, by their fruits you will know them.

Matthew 7:17-20

Christians That Get Entangled

We are called to be Holy and to live righteously before God. We are also called to be a light in this dark world, but what happens when you become entangled in helping others? Merriam-Webster defines entanglement as something that entangles, confuses, or ensnares. The condition of being deeply involved. Synonyms for entanglement are web, mesh, net, noose, quicksand, snare, toil, and trap. Free Dictionary defines entanglement as twisting together or entwine into a confusing mass. To complicate or confuse.

Being entangled makes you feel
like you are in a web.

Have you ever tried to help someone repeatedly and felt you were getting entangled in their problems? The more you try and help the more you feel like you are getting into quicksand and you feel there is no answer to their situations, which in turn causes you frustration. You start second guessing if you are a “real Christian.” You feel a sense of guilt over not being able to cope and handle all the problems that others bring to you. Many times the very people you are entangled with are piling heaps of guilt and manipulation upon you. This is especially difficult when dealing with loved ones and family. There is a deeper entanglement that comes from the ones we love. We don’t want them to suffer and to hurt, but what happens when all the helping is not helping but hurting you?

The enemy will bring situations and people into you path to distract and derail your purposes. There are some signs to watch for when you have gone too deep with someone.

1.      Did you feel prompted by the Holy Spirit to intervene or was it pressure from the other person or a desire to please?

2.      Are you struggling with your walk with God? Feeling spiritually bankrupt? Youth time with God is lacking and you are having trouble focusing on hearing God’s voice.

3.      You may feel discouraged, defeated, and like a failure.

4.      You are not sure God called you be in ministry and you lose your desire to minister.

5.      You feel stress, turmoil, tension, strife, chaos, and confusion.

6.      You can’t seem to get a clear or direct answer from the person you are trying to help. It seems when you talk with person you are trying to help it is muddy.

7.      You may experience fatigue and even sickness.

8.      The person you are trying to help does not listen to the advice you are trying to give to them, and they continue to do what they are doing; meanwhile still wanting you to fix their problems.

9.      You begin to feel frustrated, irritable, and maybe even angry.

10.  You are consumed with trying to intervene, and maybe even losing sleep as a result. Your focus is on their situation, and not on Christ.

11.  Your peace is gone and joy has dissipated.

12.  No amount of intervention or help is never enough for the person or people you are entangled with.

13.  You feel emotionally, physically and spiritually drained.

14.  You feel distracted and out of balance.

15.   You feel like you are on an emotional roller coaster ride with their issues.

16.  You try and point them to Jesus but discern they are not sincere in seeking Him.

You may be dealing with a toxic person. If you do not do what they want you to do, and they resort to anger, name calling, belittling, or guilt; that is a trait of a toxic person. To get entangled in a toxic person’s issues is dangerous to your mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being. Not all people who say they want help, in fact really want help. Some people are used by the agents of hell to entangle you and ensnare you. A HALLMARK OF A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP IS BOTH RECEIVE AND BOTH GIVE. There is also harmony, peace, and a desire to be around the other person. If you begin to dread being around that person or talking to them, it is a sign that it is not a healthy relationship.

Restoration and reconciliation are always hoped for in these types of relationships, but until Christ is at the center some precautions need to be made for your sanity.

1.      Take a time-out from these destructive relationships. Regain your peace and order. Ask the Lord Jesus to step-in and take full control, and you step out before you go under with them.

2.    Confront in love. The person that repeatedly causes drama and chaos in your life should be confronted as the Holy Spirit directs. Don’t do this in anger, but with the hope of true repentance.

3.     Set proper boundaries and consequences. This is important in dealing with ones who say they are sorry but continue to repeat the same behaviors over and over again. You will need to keep a guard up, and observe their behavior for a time (a solid year of consistent behavior is a good indication of true change), before realigning your life to theirs.

4.      Keep in mind that Jesus is not expecting to wear yourself out to help others who are not really helping themselves.

5.      Begin taking care of you and foster the good and positive relationships in your life. Stay away from toxic and negative people as much as possible. Nurture yourself and love yourself.

6.      Many times when we are engaged with other toxic people we neglect our other relationships that are satisfying. Take time to rebuild and restore satisfying relationships.

7.      Forgive yourself and let go of all guilt. Guilt is a tool straight from the pit of hell. It NEVER comes from God.

Stand fast in the liberty wherewith Christ hath made us free, and not to be entangled again with the yoke of bondage. Galatians 5:1, KJV

Soldiers don’t get tied up in the affairs of civilian life, for then they cannot please the officer who enlisted them. 2 Timothy 2:4, NLT

Understanding Mental and Emotional Stability

Spiritual maturity and emotional maturity go hand-in-hand; you cannot have one without the other. Emotional health involves knowing your limits, and not reacting act of emotions to circumstances. Everyone has limits, and it is wise to know yours.

Have you ever began your morning and said something like this, “Today, I will not let the enemy kill the joy and peace I desire to have.” Then something happens in your day and you feel emotionally drained. What happened? Reaction to circumstances. The enemy set you up by “baiting” you with people and circumstances that are difficult, stressful, and overwhelming. The enemy hopes we will react in our emotions, because this will usually lead us into sin. We are not to be led by our emotions and feelings; they are deceitful and constantly changing. We will encounter trials, stress and difficult people, and sometimes when we our “off-guard,” but we must take a step back, go and pray, and be still and quiet as we wait for God’s intervention.

 

Do you feel like this sometimes?

Some key factors that you are at your limit emotionally:

1.        Emotions are running high.

2.       Stress and/or fatigue.

3.       Short temper.

4.       Lack of grace and patience.

It is important to know if you have experienced emotional trauma and stress, so that you can heal and know how to deal properly in certain situations. Emotional trauma and stress can happen once or it can be a series of stressful events. If that is something you have endured, it is likely you will have a high stress/emotional response to current stressful situations. Is it hopeless? No, with acknowledging your hurt, facing the truth of your limits, and totally relying on God’s help and healing; there is hope.

People are more likely to be traumatized by stressful events if they are already under a heavy load. Childhood trauma can increase the risk of future trauma, and the way we deal and process stressful events. Emotional stress can be detrimental to your health and well-being. Find out what is causing your mental and emotional instability, and begin being proactive and make needed changes to your life. Your body is not able to defend itself against emotional stress, which in turn triggers mental and emotional instability.

 Causes of emotional trauma and stress:

1.       It happened unexpectedly.

2.       You were unprepared for it.

3.       You were powerless to prevent it.

4.       It happened repeatedly (exposure to continued stressful situations).

5.       It happened in childhood.

As Christians, we should make it a priority to have mental and emotional stability, but we may need to first understand what is causing it and what actions need to be taken to deal effectively with current and past stressors. What has occurred in the past as a stressful event can still cause us to react emotionally if we are continually exposed to that stressor. Know your triggers and past hurts, and how they could still be triggering an emotional response currently. If you experience frequent ups and downs emotionally, it is time to examine why and seek God for intervention; it is not His will for you to live unstable emotionally.

 Having a better balance on your emotions will cause you to feel better physically and to have an increase in energy. It is time to ask yourself,” What am I expending my emotional energy on?” Remember, the enemy knows what will cause you to react and to get upset. Having emotional stability will enable you to peacefully and calmly go through difficult situations. Emotional stability does not mean suppressing your emotions, but controlling them.

A hallmark of a mentally and emotionally stable person is the ability to control one’s emotions.

Keys to mental and emotional stability:

1.       First, admit your limits. What you can and cannot handle. Be okay with that, and don’t compare what other people can endure.

2.       Recognize the people that deplete your energy, are unhealthy, and cause you stress. You may want to reevaluate your time and exposure to them.

3.       Don’t take on more than you can handle; whether at work, ministry, church, or family.

4.       Learn to say, “No,” when you are feeing stressed, tired, sick, or just need some alone time with yourself or God.

5.       Don’t take on other’s issues, problems, or stress. We can pray for people, but we cannot do for others if we ourselves are depleted.

6.       Do not react to your feelings or emotions. Pray first.

7.       Exercise, eat healthy, and maintain a trustworthy/healthy support system.

8.       Journal by processing your pent-up feelings, and talk to God about your deepest concerns.

Understanding that if you are mentally and emotionally unstable, it is likely you have endured some emotional/psychological trauma and stress, and that you need God’s help to overcome these damaged emotions. Don’t be hard on yourself, if you have emotional instability, but recognize that there is hope and a way to cope effectively.

1 Peter 5:8-9, Teaches us to be well-balanced and temperate (self-controlled) to keep satan from devouring us.

Psalm 94:13, God wants to give us power to stay calm in adversity.