Counselor's Corner: Stop Trying to be Somebody You're Not

I want to be liked, I want to be accepted, and I want to be loved; but the realty is not everyone will. I don’t know about you, but I am uncomfortable when someone does not like or accept me-it can go deep and speak lies such as, “You’re not good enough,” or “There is something wrong with you.” I tend to think if someone does not like me, it must be my fault. As an over-analytical thinker, I will mull over a dozen reasons or more what I could have done differently for that person to like me. My thoughts go like this, “Certainty, I must have done something wrong for them to not accept me.”

I tried for so long to be what I thought everyone wanted me to be, but eventually I wore myself out being one way for this person and another way someone else. Being someone that I am not made me unhappy, unfulfilled, and feeling unworthy to be me.

Often times if there is a struggle to be somebody other than yourself to be liked and accepted there is a root of feeling inferior. Somewhere in your history someone told you or made you feel not good enough, and if you just did this or that you would receive love. Love based on conditions is not love at all.

Conforming to what others want from you to be liked or even loved, is basically living a lie.

I admit I am a little different. I am an introvert by nature, I prefer solitude over being with a group of people, I don’t enjoy crowds, I enjoy the simple life, I don’t enjoy shopping, getting my hair or nails done, or wearing dresses. I tend not to follow what everyone else is doing, I prefer uniqueness over sameness, I don’t enjoy talking on the phone, I don’t like unexpected visitors, and I am a planner who is well-organized. I enjoy structure and routine and can be a bit rigid in these areas. I have a type-A personality which means I am a rule follower, stay on task, and do not often deviate from what I have planned. I lack spontaneity and flexibility, but I have been known at times to stretch in theses areas. I take breaks from my phone, emails and social media.

As you can see from my list of quirks and differences, I will not mesh well with everyone. I do enjoy all kinds of different people, and relish that God made us all so uniquely different. However, I cannot change who I am to suit other people. I have to be comfortable with who I am, including my not-so strong points. When people love you, they will embrace your differences, not try and change them.

Ways to embrace and love you:

·        Focus on your strengths, not your weaknesses. Everyone has strengths, focus and magnify those.

·        Focus on what you are doing right, not on what you are doing wrong. You can’t be doing everything wrong, even if someone makes you feel that way.

·        Accept and love all of you-your weaknesses, your quirks and your strengths.

·        Don’t try and be what others want you to be. You will only make yourself unhappy doing this.

·        Don’t copy what other people are doing so you can “fit in.”

When you become someone besides yourself, you won’t feel content most of the time. When you start to hide parts of yourself so you don’t get judged, you start feeling uncomfortable because in essence you are playing a role. It takes courage to be who you are without apology or pretense. Love yourself enough to accept you just the way you are.

Wod of Encouragemnt: When You're Not Invited!

Yesterday afternoon while outside I overheard one of my neighbors discussing being invited to another neighbor’s birthday party. I pretended I was not bothered by the fact that I was the only surrounding neighbor not invited to this party, but I could almost immediately hear the whispers of the enemy. I could hear the taunts, “What’s wrong with you that you where not invited?” and “They just don’t like you.” I began to be concerned about why I was not chosen, not picked and overlooked. I felt like I did when I was in school where if you did not meet certain criteria you could not be in the girl’s clique. I never have fit into a mold or a certain group and because of that I was often not included in the popular groups. I don’t think there is anyone who can say they did not desire to be in the popular crowd in school, and even to a large extent still want to fit in and be popular as adults.

Reflect: How does it make you feel to not be included, overlooked or not invited? Do you care about what people think of you? Do you wonder if there is something wrong with you not them? The “root” to not being included or invited is rejection. Rejection speaks loudly, “You’re not good enough.” Be careful with dwelling on the lies that come after you experience rejection. It is easy to believe the lies that you are overlooked, not liked or that there is something wrong with you. Hold your head up high and walk in confidence that you are a child of God, and though rejection can be painful God has chosen you for a special purpose.

You may never know why certain people don’t include you, but don’t want something that God may be trying to protect you from. Some people believe they are better than others because of the color of their skin, their wealth or their social status. God does not call you to be inclusive, prejudice, haughty or have an elitist mindset.  

Be you! Be who God created you to be! Be unique! Stand-out of the crowds and let your light shine for all men to see. Some will be offended by the light in you, but others will be drawn to the light. Let your light shine anyways. Don’t prove yourself to anyone, just be the light.

Meditate:

·         If the world hates you, know that it has hated me before it hated you. John 15:18, ESV

Don't Feel Good Enough?

How many Christians especially women, feel like you are not good enough at times? You feel you have to keep up with the performance of others. As women, we often look to other women as our guide to how to run our lives. This will always lead to disaster, because what we should do with our individual lives should come from Christ alone. God has a unique blueprint for each one of us, so if we compare our lives to others, we will end up frustrated.