Counselor's Corner: Freedom From Co-Dependency

With Christmas right around the corner, many will be around family that may trigger old patterns of co-dependent behavior. Know your triggers and how you can gain freedom from co-dependency.

►What is Co-Dependency?

Co-Dependency is a bondage to please other people.

Co-Dependents allow another person’s behavior to affect them, and other people’s problems to become their problems. They look for ways to try and fix and solve other people’s problems. Co-dependents are by nature a helper and a “fixer.” They pick up the pieces in other people’s lives, and don’t allow them to suffer natural consequences of their decisions. Co-Dependents are plagued by false guilt and a false sense of responsibility for people. They get so enmeshed in other people’s problems that it exhausts them, and they often feel their “cup is empty.” They often feel used by others, and that their needs really don’t matter. Often the Co-Dependent feels alone and overwhelmed. Co-Dependents feel the “weight of the world” on their shoulders.

►Who is Likely to be Co-Dependent?

·        Family of origin (the family that you were born into) that placed you in the role as the “fixer” in the family. A fixer is responsible for solving family problems and issues. The fixer has the answers and the solution.

·        Being in a relationship or have a family member that has an addiction issue.

·        Having a rebellious child, a prodigal child, or mentally-ill child or family member.

·        Irresponsible family members who inadvertently make their problems your problems.

·        Inability to say, “No” to others and difficulty setting boundaries with others.

·        Being a people pleaser and having a fear of displeasing man. Fear of letting others down and others being angry at you.

·        History of childhood trauma-abuse, domestic violence in the home, divorce, ill parent (either physical or mental).

·        Being involved in a relationship with an abusive partner as an adult.

Co-dependents try to fix, rescue, and help, but no matter how much they try they always end-up feeling like a failure.

Co-dependents never feel they can do enough. Co-dependents can easily analyze other people’s problems, and give them a solution to their problems. Co-dependents feel responsible for making other people happy.

Saying, “No” to a person’s need is almost impossible for the co-dependent, and especially if the co-dependent is a Christian.

Co-dependent Christians fear they can’t measure up to the Christian responsibilities, and struggle with guilt when they don’t help others.

Co-dependents are often compassionate and tender-hearted people that carry the burdens of others. Instead of empathizing with you, the co-dependent will sympathize with you. They have a difficult time not taking on the hurt and pain of others. They often “feel” the pain of others. If you tell a co-dependent a problem they instinctively begin looking for how to solve your problem. They are by-nature problem-solvers, and many have been solving problems in their family since childhood. Co-dependents can be easily controlled by others and easily manipulated because of their tender nature and desire to help. Some people know this and will attempt to take advantage of the co-dependent’s good-nature.

Codependents do what they do to gain a sense of self-worth and to gain love and acceptance that many have been looking for since childhood. They are trying to fill a void and deep pain in their lives by helping others, than they can feel useful and important. If a co-dependent helps someone they feel elated, and if they fail to help someone, they will feel like a failure.

 

►Key Factors in Gaining Freedom From Co-Dependency:

Get a journal and begin to pray through each one of these questions. Take your time, and allow the Holy Spirit to reveal the cause of your Codependency and specific steps for your healing.

1.      What is the root/origin of your co-dependency? If you don’t know ask the Holy Spirit to show you. What was your “role” in your family of origin? Fixer, etc. Did you experience role-reversal as a child? In other words did you play the role of parent and your parent (s) played the role of the child?

2.      What are your motives for co-dependency? Fear of rejection, fear of failure, avoidance of pain, gain approval by others, feel a sense of worth.

3.      Who fuels your co-dependency? Why? How do these people make you feel when you don’t do what they want? Do they withdraw from you, manipulate you, and reject you.

4.      Do you have an exaggerated perception of life? Things and people are all good or all bad. You tend to see people and situations in black and white?

5.      Do you feel valuable and worthy when you help or rescue someone? Do you feel guilty when you can’t help someone?

6.      Do you feel guilty when you say, “No” to others or when you take care of yourself?

7.      Are your emotions dependent on the responses of others? Ex., if she is sad, I must have done something to hurt her, it is my fault she is sad.

8.      Do you feel responsible for making other’s happy, not just in your family?

9.      Have you taken the place of God in other people’s lives? If someone has a need, your response is, “I’ll meet it.” Do you prevent others from developing responsibility in their own lives? Co-dependents should let other’s do things for themselves, but often they step in.

10.  Do you put on a façade for other people to cover your pain? Do you have a hard time admitting your problems? Don’t feel like bothering anyone else with your needs?

11.  As a Christian, do you feel you can’t measure up to the high expectations of the Christian life?

12.  Do you feel you can gain worth by serving God? Do you plunge into activities and service to gain approval and to feel worthy?

►How to Start Healing From Co-Dependency:

1.      Recognize you didn’t get here overnight, and it will be a process of recovery. You may have set-backs, especially if you are around others that trigger these behaviors.

2.      Find healthy Christians to be around, just don’t surround yourself with users, drainers, toxic, needy people, or other co-dependent people.  

3.      Detach from relationships as needed. Detach and pray, then when you are strong enough and God has allowed you to enter in the relationship again, than do so. This applies to family relationships, but friendships may be detached longer or permanently through the leading of Holy Spirit. Detachment always has the hope of reconciliation with that person, but if you feel you are relapsing into co-dependency and you reservoirs are on empty, it is okay to detach from a relationship for a time.

4.      When needs and problems come your way, don’t react and come up with a solution immediately. You can say to that person, “I need time to pray about that” or “I need God to direct me first before I make a decision.” Then go and pray before offering solutions, advice, help, or rescuing. Oftentimes, God does not want us to intervene because He is trying to work something out in their lives.

5.      Don’t assume that God wants you to rescue, help, and fix every problem that comes into your path, this can be especially difficult for the Christian. We are taught about servant hood and self-sacrifice and to put other’s needs ahead of our own. But God does not expect us to give on “empty,” and Jesus did not heal every sick person nor help every single person that came into His contact. We have to have discernment to know when God says, “Step in,” and when He is leading us from not intervening.

6.      Don’t anticipate the needs of others. Listen to them and let them ask for help, but don’t offer up help that they are not asking for. A lot of the time people will tell you their woes hoping you will help, but it is better if they ask directly for the needs that they have. Even if they do ask for help, you can still say that you need to pray first and get back to them.

7.      Do not rescue compulsively. You will have to be on guard for this because you will be presented needs and you will want to rescue.

8.      Set limits in your life. Recognize and be aware what people in your life get you entangled in the trap of co-dependency.

9.      Start taking care of yourself. Do things that you enjoy. Keep your eyes focused on Jesus and not on other people’s issues. This can be a challenge for the co-dependent if you have been surrounded by needs, so this is where detachment for a time is important.

Counselor's Corner: Freedom from False Guilt

 False guilt tells you that you have done something wrong when you have not.

People who are codependent suffer from false guilt more than others do.

Codependents have internalized shame, which fosters a guilty conscience when they are not able to fulfill others needs. Codependents are especially hard on themselves and tend to feel guilty when they are not able to meet everyone’s demands. Codependents are easily manipulated and receive the blame from other people for not complying with their wishes. Codependents are usually the ones who say that they are sorry and try to make peace in order to avoid other’s being upset or disappointed with them.

Codependents feel guilty for not doing enough or giving enough. Codependents usually are connected to relationships that are unhealthy and that foster enabling type of behaviors. Codependents rarely feel free to say, “No,” and when they do they are loaded down with guilt. Codependents often hear internal statements such as, “you should be, you ought to, you need to, and/or you could have.”

Many codependents will go to great lengths to please others, often at the expense of their health, energy and finances.

Codependents feel responsible for others, including fixing and solving other people’s problems. Allowing other people to suffer consequences of their poor choices is most difficult for the codependent, as they will often come to the rescue of the one who needs recuing. Unfortunately, the one who needs recuing knows that the rescuer is kind-hearted and compassionate and will take advantage of this. Codependents often feel guilty for others actions and behaviors.

Codependents deny their needs and will place others needs and wants first. If you are a Christian, the sense of false guilt can be more extreme since there is a belief that Christians should give and give until there is nothing left to give. As a Christian, giving to others should be sacrificial and more importantly Holy Spirit led. God does not expect you to meet every want or need that comes in your path, sometimes God needs to work in that person’s life without your intervention. The enemy will send people in your path to distract you, derail you, and exhaust you. As a Christian, it is imperative that you are in tune with the Holy Spirit as to who to help and how to help. Especially for those who keep coming to you to have their “leaky cups” filled. A leaky cup has to be filled up often, and if you continue to pour into others leaky cups, you can become exhausted.

Codependents feel anxiety and guilt when other people have problems. Codependents will feel compelled to help solve other’s problems, including offering unwanted advice and suggestions. Codependents anticipate others needs and figure out ways to help with those needs. Codependents will abandon their routine to respond to or do something for someone else, and when they don’t, they feel guilty.

When something goes wrong, the codependent will blame themselves, which leads to guilt. Codependents feel guilty if they take care of themselves or spend money on themselves, because they should be helping others with their money and time.

Guilt should not preoccupy your thoughts. If you are playing over and over in your head why you had to set a boundary or could not fulfill a need, this can lead to depression, shame and self-punishment. Self-punishment can come in the form of not enjoying your life or allowing yourself to laugh. Self-punishment that stems from guilt says, “why should you be having fun and laughing when you should be (fill in the blank).

Guilt saps energy and the joy out of life.

Codependents who continue to rescue, problem-solve, help others relentlessly, and feel guilt for saying no or setting boundaries; not only will experience false guilt but lethargy, depression, hopelessness, anxiety, worry, escapism, sickness and mental/emotional problems. Some codependents get so physically and mentally drained that they have thoughts of suicide.

Freedom from codependency is possible, and important for your overall mental, emotional and spiritual well-being. If you are feeling emotionally, mentally and/or physically exhausted from repeatedly recusing, problem-solving and feeling guilty for not doing for others, then you must get serious about your freedom from codependency.

Freedom from false guilt starts with asking yourself the following questions:

·         Do you have a sense of peace about helping or do you feel pressure or a lack of peace?

·         Do you have strength? Spiritual, physical and/or mental?

·         Do you have an inner knowing deep inside from Holy Spirit that you should be doing this or that?

·         Do you have to figure out what you should do, or is the solution to the problem illuminated and you just know what to do?

·         Have you asked God if you should help? What did He tell you to do? Listen carefully because God does speak to His children.

·         Do you feel responsible for offering the solution to someone’s problem? If someone does not directly ask you for advice or help-don’t give it. Don’t try and figure out ways to help but be still and wait for God to show you. It is very likely if you have repeatedly intervened and helped someone, God will likely have you to pray but not physically or finically intervene.

·         Are you able to place boundaries in relationships without feeling like you’re doing something wrong?

·         Are you able to say to others request and not feel guilty for doing so?

·         Do you tend to condemn yourself if you are not pleasing others?

If you do not have the promoting of the Holy Spirit to intervene then move on and enjoy your life without punishing yourself. It is okay to set boundaries, to say no, and to have limits. Know your limits. Know when your helping is no longer helping but instead just placing a bandage over that you would have to replace over and over again. God is capable of helping the ones we love. God works in peace, flow, order, grace and strength, and the enemy works in disorder, chaos, drama, turmoil, pressure and guilt. Guilt never comes from God. God convicts us of sin but does not load us down with heaps of guilt. If you feel guilt for not helping, doing for others or setting boundaries, check the source!

Are You Led By Guilt, People-Pleasing or By God?

Do you say, “Yes,” to people when you don’t feel that you have the time or the peace about doing whatever they asked of you? Are you lead by guilt, people-pleasing or by God?

Without being led by the Holy Spirit, we can do things we are not supposed to.

The enemy loves when we stay distracted and busy doing and going. I believe busyness is straight from the enemy. If you are a people-pleaser or need people approval it is very likely you will please man rather than being led by what the Holy Spirit wants. It feels better to our flesh to go along with what everyone else is doing.

Just because something seems right to do, does not mean that it is!

We can wear ourselves out by agreeing to do everything that comes into our path. There are certain things we are not to be involved with even if it seems good and right. The Holy Spirit knows what is best for us, and what we can handle.

Reflect: Do you tend to make decisions or agree to do something because everyone else is going along but you already have a full plate or don’t have peace? Or do you just do what your flesh wants, not stopping to ask the Holy Spirit if He wants you to be involved?

The flesh is always deceiving-it wants what it wants! Moving in the flow of the Holy Spirit makes you come alive and energizes you, operating in the flesh usually drains you of energy and spiritual strength.

How do you know the Holy Spirit is leading you?

1.      Do you make rash or impulsive decisions? Learn to say, “I need to pray about that,” before agreeing to something.

2.      Wait on the Holy Spirit to lead and guide you before forging ahead with your agenda. Yes, there are times we have to make quick decisions, but if you have developed an intimate relationship with God and are acquainted with His ways through reading the Word and prayer, even when you have to make a quick decision it will be more likely you will make one that is Holy Spirit led. Training yourself to be still before God to hear His voice will equip you better when you need to make a quick decision, you will already know how the Holy Spirit speaks.

3.      The Holy Spirit never, ever works in confusion. There is an unexplainable peace when the Holy Spirit is prompting you. If you are not being led by the Spirit, you will experience confusion, chaos, lack of direction, and stress.

4.      When the Holy Spirit leads-He leads! You don’t have to figure out what or how to do something because the Holy Spirit places the answer deep into your spirit. The Holy Spirit does not always give concrete answers, sometimes we just know the “direction” we should take. Sometimes God just wants us to step out in faith before He gives us more detail, but even then, there is peace. You can do something afraid and still have peace!

5.      There is an inner-knowing deep in your spirit, you just know you are supposed to do something.

6.      The Holy Spirit never, ever operates in guilt! If you hear,” You should be, you ought to be or you need to be doing something,” these are laced in guilt from the enemy.

7.      Usually when the Holy Spirit is directing you to do something you will have confirmation with other believes-particularly your spouse if you’re married.

Counselor's Corner: Freedom From Co-Dependency

With Christmas less than a week away, many will be around family that may trigger old patterns of co-dependent behavior. Know your triggers and how you can gain freedom from co-dependency.

►What is Co-Dependency?

Co-Dependency is a bondage to please other people. Co-Dependents allow another person’s behavior to affect them, and other people’s problems to become their problems. They look for ways to try and fix and solve other people’s problems. Co-dependents are by nature a helper and a “fixer.” They pick up the pieces in other people’s lives, and don’t allow them to suffer natural consequences of their decisions. Co-Dependents are plagued by false guilt and a false sense of responsibility for people. They get so enmeshed in other people’s problems that it exhausts them, and they often feel their “cup is empty.” They often feel used by others, and that their needs really don’t matter. Often the Co-Dependent feels alone and overwhelmed. Co-Dependents feel the “weight of the world” on their shoulders.

►Who is Likely to be Co-Dependent?

·        Family of origin (the family that you were born into) that placed you in the role as the “fixer” in the family. A fixer is responsible for solving family problems and issues. The fixer has the answers and the solution.

·        Being in a relationship or have a family member that has an addiction issue.

·        Having a rebellious child, a prodigal child, or mentally-ill child or family member.

·        Irresponsible family members who inadvertently make their problems your problems.

·        Inability to say, “No” to others and difficulty setting boundaries with others.

·        Being a people pleaser and having a fear of displeasing man. Fear of letting others down and others being angry at you.

·        History of childhood trauma-abuse, domestic violence in the home, divorce, ill parent (either physical or mental).

·        Being involved in a relationship with an abusive partner as an adult.

Co-dependents try to fix, rescue, and help, but no matter how much they try they always end-up feeling like a failure.

Co-dependents never feel they can do enough. Co-dependents can easily analyze other people’s problems, and give them a solution to their problems. Co-dependents feel responsible for making other people happy.

Saying, “No” to a person’s need is almost impossible for the co-dependent, and especially if the co-dependent is a Christian.

Co-dependent Christians fear they can’t measure up to the Christian responsibilities, and struggle with guilt when they don’t help others.

Co-dependents are often compassionate and tender-hearted people that carry the burdens of others. Instead of empathizing with you, the co-dependent will sympathize with you. They have a difficult time not taking on the hurt and pain of others. They often “feel” the pain of others. If you tell a co-dependent a problem they instinctively begin looking for how to solve your problem. They are by-nature problem-solvers, and many have been solving problems in their family since childhood. Co-dependents can be easily controlled by others and easily manipulated because of their tender nature and desire to help. Some people know this and will attempt to take advantage of the co-dependent’s good-nature.

Codependents do what they do to gain a sense of self-worth and to gain love and acceptance that many have been looking for since childhood. They are trying to fill a void and deep pain in their lives by helping others, than they will feel useful and important. If a co-dependent helps someone they feel elated, and if they fail to help someone, they will feel like a failure.

►Key Factors in Gaining Freedom From Co-Dependency:

Get a journal and begin to pray through each one of these questions. Take your time, and allow the Holy Spirit to reveal the cause of your Codependency and specific steps for your healing.

1.      What is the root/origin of your co-dependency? If you don’t know ask the Holy Spirit to show you. What was your “role” in your family of origin? Fixer, etc. Did you experience role-reversal as a child? In other words did you play the role of parent and your parent (s) played the role of the child?

2.      What are your motives for co-dependency? Fear of rejection, fear of failure, avoidance of pain, gain approval by others, feel a sense of worth.

3.      Who fuels your co-dependency? Why? How do these people make you feel when you don’t do what they want? Do they withdraw from you, manipulate you, and reject you.

4.      Do you have an exaggerated perception of life? Things and people are all good or all bad. You tend to see people and situations in black and white?

5.      Do you feel valuable and worthy when you help or rescue someone? Do you feel guilty when you can’t help someone?

6.      Do you feel guilty when you say, “No” to others or when you take care of yourself?

7.      Are your emotions dependent on the responses of others? Ex., if she is sad, I must have done something to hurt her, it is my fault she is sad.

8.      Do you feel responsible for making other’s happy, not just in your family?

9.      Have you taken the place of God in other people’s lives? If someone has a need, your response is, “I’ll meet it.” Do you prevent others from developing responsibility in their own lives? Co-dependents should let other’s do things for themselves, but often they step in.

10.  Do you put on a façade for other people to cover your pain? Do you have a hard time admitting your problems? Don’t feel like bothering anyone else with your needs?

11.  As a Christian, do you feel you can’t measure up to the high expectations of the Christian life?

12.  Do you feel you can gain worth by serving God? Do you plunge into activities and service to gain approval and to feel worthy?

►How to Start Healing From Co-Dependency:

1.      Recognize you didn’t get here overnight, and it will be a process of recovery. You may have set-backs, especially if you are around others that trigger these behaviors?

2.      Find healthy Christians to be around, just don’t surround yourself with users, drainers, toxic, needy people, or other co-dependent people.  

3.      Detach from relationships as needed. Detach and pray, then when you are strong enough and God has allowed you to enter in the relationship again, than do so. This applies to family relationships, but friendships may be detached longer or permantely through the leading of Holy Spirit. Detachment always has the hope of reconciliation with that person, but if you feel you are relapsing into co-dependency and you reservoirs are on empty, it is okay to detach from a relationship for a time.

4.      When needs and problems come your way, don’t react and come up with a solution immediately. You can say to that person, “I need time to pray about that” or “I need God to direct me first before I make a decision.” Then go and pray before offering solutions, advice, help, or rescuing. Oftentimes, God does not want us to intervene because He is trying to work something out in their lives.

5.      Don’t assume that God wants you to rescue, help, and fix every problem that comes into your path, this can be especially difficult for the Christian. We are taught about servant hood and self-sacrifice and to put other’s needs ahead of our own. But God does not expect us to give on “empty,” and Jesus did not heal every sick person nor help every single person that came into His contact. We have to have discernment to know when God says, “Step in,” and when He is leading us from not intervening.

6.      Don’t anticipate the needs of others. Listen to them and let them ask for help, but don’t offer up help that they are not asking for. A lot of the time people will tell you their woes hoping you will help, but it is better if they ask directly for the needs that they have. Even if they do ask for help, you can still say that you need to pray first and get back to them.

7.      Do not rescue compulsively. You will have to be on guard for this because you will be presented needs and you will want to rescue.

8.      Set limits in your life. Recognize and be aware what people in your life get you entangled in the trap of co-dependency.

9.      Start taking care of yourself. Do things that you enjoy. Keep your eyes focused on Jesus and not on other people’s issues. This can be a challenge for the co-dependent if you have been surrounded by needs, so this is where detachment for a time is important.

10.  Read and research all you can about co-dependency, preferably from a Christian perspective. A good online Christian Co-Dependent recovery program can be found at: www.christiancodependence.com

*For additional information on this subject and more, check out my latest book release, “Disciplining Your Mind, 30 Days to a New You.”