Secondary Infertility: A Memoir of our Journey

I had always dreamed of having four children.

I knew I wanted a big family ever since I was a little girl. I had my first unplanned pregnancy at 16 years old. It happened quickly and unexpectedly. I got married when I was 25 years old to a Godly man, and knew I wanted to start a family soon. We started trying to conceive after 3 years of marriage. After not getting pregnant the first year, I knew it was time to see the doctor. My doctor referred me to a fertility specialist, where I underwent surgeries, took hormone shots, and had several artificial inseminations. To my avail, nothing worked. I completely wore myself out physically and emotionally going back and forth to the weekly one-hour drives to the fertility clinic, and the weekly hormone shots that my husband gave me. We took a rest for a while, and afar resting decided to plunge into foster-adoption. That was such an emotional roller coaster ride. The paperwork, home visits, home inspections, and court dates. That was not what I had planned for having a baby, and so I soon realized I was in over my head. It also appeared at the last court date we had with our foster child’s parents, that the court was going to allow the parent’s another chance to regain custody of their baby. I was devastated, worn-out, and felt I could not go another step. That day I relinquished the baby back into the state’s hands. By this time, well-meaning family and friends were encouraging us to adopt, but I had not the emotional nor physical strength to do so. Some well-meaning people said things like, “Just relax and take a vacation and you will probably get pregnant.”

Fast forward 12, soon to be 13 years later, and the pain of not having more children can come and visit me like an old friend that I have seen in years. I am fine most of the time now, but every now and then my “old friend” of infertility comes knocking, either through a baby shower invitation, pregnancy announcement, being around married couples with children, or even my monthly cycle. Usually the visit from this old friend is unexpected. I normally am pretty content with what God has given me, but every now and then, I wonder,” What it would be like to have more children.” Sometimes the void I feel can be unbearable and at other times I don’t even notice it. At times, I don’t want to even go out when the pain is unbearable, for I wonder, “What children or pregnant women will remind me of what I am missing.”

I have reached the milestone last year of turning 40. I am not saying the door is closed to having children, but I am not the same “spring chicken” that I was 13 years ago. I now try and invest in my nieces and nephews, and when I get tired, I send them home and feel blessed I can do that. So now, I have entered into a new season, of being blessed and content that the children that are in my life, I can say I have had enough, it’s time to go home to momma and daddy. My son that I had at 16, is all grown and lives on his own. I have an empty nest at 40. Which now, I am seeing is a blessing because I can enjoy quiet time, dates with my husband, and I can pursue the things that I feel God calling me to. So basically, I have come full circle in my infertile journey. Though, I may not get to experience a pregnancy with my husband or even raising children with him, I can look at what I do have and be thankful for that. I really don’t know what God is up to, and I can’t say for certain I even know how things will turn out. I am just being content in the life that I have now, and not wanting nothing more than what God has for me.

Yes, this journey has been tough, and it is not at all what I expected, but I am learning to embrace what God has for me. I am learning the art of surrendering my wants, my desires, and my dreams to God. Easy? No, but the only other choice I have is to take matters into my own hands, and force things to happen. So I wait, but for what? I am not sure anymore. I am not going to try and figure-out God’s plans, like I have so many times before. I am not going to try and force having children either through fertility treatments or adoption. I have come to some peace in finally resting, and not trying to strive to have or get children, that will wear you out. After 13 years of striving and trying to make something happen, I need rest. I don’t want anything that God does not want me to have. 

What I Have Learned in Turning Forty

Forty is a big milestone, and I just crossed that milestone this week. I have had time to reflect over the years of my life, and this article will explore what I have learned in the last forty years. If I think back twenty or even just ten years ago, I can say my life has not turned out quite like I thought it would. 

I have learned to walk in faith, not by my circumstances.

My life has had many peaks and valleys, and many surprises, what a journey it has been. I could not have imaged my life as it is now. You see I had different expectations for my life, and different plans. I just assumed that I would have the things that I desired, and I thought that by forty I would have 2.5 children, a healthy, supportive family, I would be in a career and professionally oriented, making the big bucks, and I would have the most awesome marriage where my husband thought I was awesome. Well, let me burst my bubble for a minute, those things I wanted did not quite turn out that way. I could not see past what I wanted for years, and I entered into a time of bitterness, jealousy, and even anger in MY desires not coming to pass. I saw everyone getting what I wanted, and it caused me to become angry and bitter. I could not understand why God would want to withhold those good gifts from me. I even saw people who were not walking with God, receive these blessings I wanted. Now that is hard to swallow, when you see people who are opposed to God get the things you have prayed for, cried and begged God for.

I had been given things I did not want, nor did I think they were fair. I tried for many years to cover up my pain, to avoid my pain, to desire someone else’s life, and even plotted ways I could escape my life because I was so displeased with my life. I had a lot of pain that I did not want nor ask for, and years of unrelenting pain caused me much grief. I had long seasons of grief. I could not possibly understand God and His ways. I tried to understand God, but I felt He was mad at me or punishing me, and that is why He was withholding these desires from me. I was tormented, and did not understand that just because I was suffering, God still loved me. I just did not understand why my life was so hard. I had trouble enjoying life, and had difficulty having grace for myself. I lived in a world of perfectionism and unrealistic expectations. I worried and became easily anxious over things. I lived in fear of the past and fear of the future. I cared about what others thought of me, and had a fear of man. I sought people’s approval. I knew deep down inside God did not want me to live this way, but I was in so much pain that I thought it would never end. I wanted my life to be different, but I still was holding on to my wants and desires. I could not let go fully of what I thought my life would be like. It was not until I told God I want peace, joy, and contentment no matter what the cost. God said to me, “Surrender all to me, and trust me that my plans and timing for you are just right.” When I started releasing MY plans, life eased up, joy and peace came back and I began to learn that I could have contentment even if I did not have this or that. I asked God to teach me to be content in any and every situation like the Apostle Paul. What I thought was important twenty years ago, like material things and a high-powered career, God has shown me that joy and contentment do not come from these things, but from Him alone.

When we say to God, “Have your way in my life,” God can begin to take the front seat in our lives and we can get in the back seat. When we give up control because we live in fear, God can direct us instead. We usually want what we don’t have, and when we get it, we soon realize we really don’t want the thing we thought we wanted. I believe the enemy stirs up these desires to torment us, and to lie to us about God’s goodness and love.

What I have learned from the forty years of my life:

1.       MY plans are not necessarily God’s plans.

2.       There is a satisfaction when you begin to accept your life just as it is, contentment happens.

3.       God’s timing is not my timing.

4.       God CAN be trusted. He knows best, I really don’t. I am human, He is God.

5.       God’s plans are better than what I think I want, even though I don’t always think so.

6.       Make plans but hold on to then loosely, God may change them!

7.       God will work ALL things out for good for those that love Him. Romans 8:28

8.       It is better to surrender your will and desires, than taking matters into your own hands, you  are not God, and you could end up with an Ishmael like Abraham and Sarah. It is better to  wait on God.

9.     You can have joy and contentment while you wait and despite your circumstances. Don’t waste your life complaining and murmuring and stop your stinkin’ thinkin’, it does not help but actually harms you. (See book resource at the end for help with your thinking).

10.   Don’t become bitter, angry, or jealous. Don’t desire what others have. You may not really  want what they have. You never know what somebody goes through.

11.   Enjoy your life, it goes by incredibly fast. Slow down and do take the time to smell the  roses. Take it one day at a time, don’t be in a rush. Enjoy the small things.

12.   Never give up on your relationship with God. Trust Him even if you don’t quite understand  His ways and plans.

13.   You can settle down and stop worrying and being anxious, God will intervene, maybe not  exactly when or how you want, but He will.

Book resource to help you with your thinking:

To order a copy of “Wilderness Mentality Stop Your Stinkin’ Thinkin’ “By Stephanie Reck, go to www.createspace.com/4036785

Longings Unfilled, A Perspective on What it is Like in the Waiting Period

In this article, the author will share her experiences and her heart on longings being unfilled.  The author will share her perspective on waiting for desires of the heart to be fulfilled. My prayer for this article is that others do not feel alone, and other’s will post and share their story, their lessons, and any advice and hope in the wait. Please post any comments at the bottom of this article, and share with others who need to hear this message.

Longings and desires unfulfilled can become possibilities with God.

What have you been waiting for God to fulfill in your life?

My Story

Pain comes in many forms and suffering comes to us all. I am no stranger to pain and suffering. Sometimes it can feel like you are all alone, and like no one really understands what you are going through. Sometimes, the pain comes in waves, other times it lays dormant, just waiting for a time to slip out and cause me emotional turmoil. There are times that I feel like I am on a roller coaster ride, my feelings and emotions ebb and flow with certain times and seasons.

I have deep longings that I cannot contain sometimes. There are times these deep-seated emotions get triggered and these emotions fall upon me like an avalanche. I have done everything I know possible to wait with a “thankful heart,” but sometimes, I fail miserably, and I sink it a pit of sorrow and despair. I want so desperately to have what I think would bring me joy and excitement. There are some things that I cannot seem to get a hold of at times, and these longings get the better of me. I am desperate to not feel this way, but there are times the enemy sends me little reminders of what I don’t have and before you know it, if I am already tired, sick, or hormonal, then I fall for the lie and the trap of the enemy. I long to keep my emotions and feelings in check and not have them spill out and cause me anguish. I long to be free from the waiting period, and just move on already.

For some of us, the longing in our hearts is for a spouse, for some it is for a child, and for others it is a supportive family. I have several deep, unresolved, longings in my heart. Sometimes, I think, “I have healed from those longings, but then a reminder, and I start the longing all over again.” I did find my companion, my best friend, but I had a child from a previous relationship in my teenage years. I carried a lot of shame for having a child so young. My only child is living a different lifestyle than me, he is my prodigal child. I have waited, prayed, and cried for his return for 9 years. My heart grows heavy sometimes for him, and I realize that I may not see the desire of my heart for grandchildren in this lifestyle. I do know, God has my child, and follows and pursues him, but sometimes, it feels a heavy weight, and I need a time-out to “slip away from the crowds and grieve to God.” I know he hears my cries for my child, but sometimes I wonder, “When will this end?”

I have always desired to have at least 4 children, but early on in our marriage we detected I was having trouble conceiving. I did see a fertility doctor, had surgery, took hormone shots, and waited in faith as my church family told me. Well, the wait is now 12 years. Twelve years to have a child. Some might say, “Well you already have a child.” My answer would be, “Yes, but I was so young and did not enjoy the pregnancy and I long to have a child with my Godly husband and raise the child in the ways of the Lord.” I am pro adoption and of course pro-life, so we tried to adopt through the foster care system, the unfortunate tragedy was that we kept the baby boy for a month, but I was not willing to allow the parents another 6 months to a year to fulfill their service agreement and possibly get their child back. All sorts of fears crept up in me, “I thought if there is a possibility that I may have to give this child up in 6 months or a year if these parents decide to get their acts together, and that may be way too difficult for me.” We decided that foster-adopt would not work for us, because of the heavy risks involved in losing a child, and since we were already undergoing such heartache trying to conceive that this would not be an option for us, but I believe it is a beautiful thing when the right family can take a child from the foster care system. I was so heart-broken after that incident that I was not even wanting to look at foreign or domestic adoption.

My other longing is for my family and my husband’s family to know Jesus, and to be healed of dysfunction, mental illness, and addictions. You see, both our families with the exception of a small few, have tremendous issues. I long for them to receive Christ and for the ones who are battling addiction, mental illness, or some sort of dysfunction to be healed. I have tried to reach them over the years, by sharing the Gospel in word and deed, bringing them to church, trying to help financially, and just listening to them, but several have chosen to go a different path. With all the family turmoil, I did not think it was fair at this point to bring a child into our family through adoption. I just thought, “It would not be fair to subject an innocent child to the family chaos.” I felt all my dreams came crashing down and I begin to shut down. Something closed up inside of me at that time, and I stopped hoping and the heartache became unbearable. I thought, “I can’t being a child into our home when I don’t even want to get out of bed.” Them the depression hits, debilitating, and horrific. I stopped living, caring, stopped desiring, and just stopped everything.

So what happens when you wait, wait, and wait some more, and then your hope gets deferred once again? You have two options, you can redefine your life and move past the waiting or you can stop and remain stuck. So here I am, I am turning 40 in 2 weeks, and I am still in the waiting. I have been in the waiting for 12 years, but I am tired of feeling stuck. I want to move past the waiting. I want to know that if these desires never get fulfilled that I can live and be joyful. I want to also have an incredible faith that says,” Nothing is impossible with God.” I want God to resurrect old dreams if he chooses and give me new desires and dreams.

The reality is desires of the heart that go unfilled for a time can be painful. We need to acknowledge that pain to God. We may need to at times step away from the crowds and be with Jesus, He is the only one who can shed light and bring you the comfort you need. There are times you may need to say,” No “to an activity or function that would be painful or a reminder if you are already feeling weak and vulnerable. Do not push yourself to do anything that God is not leading you to do. Take time for yourself, and be good to yourself. Do things that you enjoy. Repurpose your life. Take a day or however long it takes and slip away with the Lord, and ask Him to show you what He desires for you.

Ask God these questions?

1.       What are your desires for me?

2.       How do I heal my heart and my desires?

3.       How do I repurpose my life?

4.       How do I get unstuck and move past the waiting?

5.       Do you have new dreams for me or do old dreams need to be resurrected again?

Lord Jesus,

We pursue you today and ask that you open our hearts to your will and desires for us. Show us what you desire for us, and how to let go of our fleshy desires. God help us to have an unbelievable faith and help us to build new dreams and show us what old dreams should come back to life. God show us what you have for us, and help us not want anything that is not from you or in your will for us.

In Jesus name, amen

You can reach the author by:

Email @ Stephanie@christianhopecounseling.com

Face book: www.facebook.com/HopeandEncouragement4Women

Blog: www.onlinechristiancounselingforwomen.blogspot.com