Counselor’s
Corner: When People Violate Your Boundaries
Personal
boundaries are guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify
reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave towards them
and how they will respond when someone passes those limits.
We have all had people in our lives that have violated
our boundaries, whether it’s a family member who expects you do whatever they
want, a neighbor who believes they are the only one’s living on your street, or
a friend who just drops in without giving you notice.
Reflect:
Has anyone crossed your personal boundaries with you? How did it make you feel?
Violated, angry, or powerless.
►Personal boundaries are important and here are 4
major reason why:
1. Protects
you from being manipulated.
2. Protects
you from being used.
3. Protects
you from being violated.
4. Separates
who you are and what you think and feel from the thoughts and feelings of
others.
Emotional boundaries protect you from feeling guilty
for someone else’s negative feelings or problems or taking comments personally.
►Having healthy emotional boundaries you are able to
do the following:
1. Say
no to tasks you don’t want to do or have time to do.
2. Protect
your time-don’t overcommit.
3. Ask
for space because we all need time.
►Traits that people have who do not respect your
boundaries:
1. Lie
regularly.
2. Take
advantage of your kindness.
3. Manipulate
to get what they want.
4. Don’t
consider your feelings, are inconsiderate and selfish.
5. Feel
entitled to do and behave as they please.
6. Can
be narcissistic.
7. Socially
immature or awkward.
►Traits of people who respect your boundaries:
1. There
is a mutual respect. Both parties are considerate and thoughtful.
2. Physical
and emotional boundaries are respected.
3. Open
and honest communication without defensiveness, withdrawal, or pouting.
Unfortunately, you can’t force people to respect your personal
boundaries, unless something they are doing is against the law. You do however more
control than you think.
Boundaries
need to be clear and consistent with those that don’t respect you. Such
people look for holes in your boundaries, and will try and try to cause a
breach in your boundaries-STAY CLEAR AND CONSISTENT, what you will and will not
tolerate. Follow through with consequences when the violator breaks a boundary
with you. If you don’t force consequences, rest assured the violator will
continue their behavior.
Narcissistic people intentionally will violate
boundaries to hurt you, get a reaction out of you, and to exert control. If you
confront a narcissistic violator, they will come across prideful, unaware of
your feelings, and may even laugh at your request for them to stop a certain action
or behavior. Narcissistic people are looking to argue with you, and enjoy when
you become upset by one of their tactics.
If you have gotten frustrated or even angry at the
repeated violators in your life, cut yourself some slack; it is difficult to
deal with those who clearly don’t respect you or care about your feelings.
►What can you do when others violate your boundaries:
1. Know
your limits (physical, emotional and social). Set firm and clear consequences
when those boundaries are violated.
2. If
you are getting angry, frustrated and/or exhausted dealing with someone, step
back from the relationship/situation until you can regain your peace and
composure.
3. Recognize
you do have needs, and that you should
voice those needs to others. If
they don’t listen or care, that is not your problem (if you are dealing with a
narcissistic person, they will not care to change their behaviors and very
likely will continue).
4. Contact
authorities if the violation against you is illegal.
5. Have
a 3rd party meditate if you are not getting through to your
violator.
6. Maintain
a healthy distance from those who repeatedly
violate you with no course correction for their actions, or who are indifferent
to your needs (if the person you need to distance yourself from lives in close
proximity to you or is a family member, you will need to distance yourself
emotionally until there is mutual respect). Emotional distance means keeping
your heart guarded, choosing to respond verses react when they violate you in
some way, and maintaining your inner peace by the strength of the Holy Spirit.
7. Ask
God for His assistance in dealing with those who repeatedly harm you in some
manner. Our God is just and He is our help in time of need.
8. Keep
your cool, when your boundary is violated. Walk away, breath, and pray. When
you respond in anger your judgment gets clouded. As a believer in Jesus Christ,
you have the authority to bind the enemy. Use your authority and bind the
spirits that are causing you trouble.
Setting boundaries is healthy, and having good
boundaries means clearly what is OK and not OK and letting others know it. If
you don’t set boundaries, you allow people to get away with behaviors that are
not OK, and you in the end will end-up stressed, anxious, frustrated and angry.
Let’s
Discuss:
What
about you, have others violated your boundaries? How did you respond and how
would you like to respond now after reading this article?
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