Setting
boundaries with someone is not controlling, but instead it says this is what I
can do and what I can’t do. However, there will be some people that when you
set boundaries with them, they will reject you by ignoring you until you comply
with their expectations.
Setting boundaries is not a form of rejection but some
will perceive it this way because of the dysfunctional family they were raised
in that did not define or enforce boundaries.
If you are rejected by someone that you set a boundary
with than very likely you are dealing with a controlling, manipulative and
possibly even a narcissistic person. Those that don’t respect your need for
boundaries will display the following:
·
Pushing/pressuring you until you just
give-in.
·
Using other people to “win” you over.
·
Ignoring or use the silent treatment.
·
Pout, sulk, and display tears.
·
Get other people involved to “team-up” against
you.
·
Want things on their terms only.
·
Use passive-aggressiveness by not
communicating directly to you about any problems.
·
Will use guilt messages indirectly or
directly.
Rejection hurts and is one of the most painful emotions
a human can feel. Controllers, manipulators and narcissists know this and will
shut you out until you comply with what they want. These personality types have
no respect for your boundaries and you need to learn to stand firm on the
boundaries that you have set with them.
People who disregard your boundaries have little or no
self-awareness and feel that they are entitled or appropriate in their
behavior. They get away with their
behavior often because people don’t stand up to them.
What to do if you are rejected by someone
who you set a boundary with?
1. Recognize
it’s not your problem but theirs (unless there is a legal issue). How they
CHOOSE to respond to you is not your fault, unless you have behaved
maliciously, viciously attacked them or acted unlovingly, otherwise how they
respond is not on you. Do not take ownership how they behave towards you if set
a boundary in love towards them.
2. Move
on to healthier relationships until the person/people you are dealing with are
healed and delivered from their controlling and manipulative ways.
3. Don’t
replay over and over in your mind what you could have done differently for them
to accept you. A person that loves and respects you will have no issues with
your need to set healthy boundaries.
4. Understand
THE ONLY ones who will have an issue with you setting boundaries are ones YOU NEED
to have boundaries with the most. If somebody takes an issue with you setting
limits, it’s not because you’re not doing something wrong and if you just
adjust your boundaries for them enough, they be okay with you. They see
boundaries as an issue and that’s about their issues, not you.
5. Setting
boundaries with those who do not respect or want boundaries, will not change
them. Get used to the fact not all people want or desire boundaries in their
lives and relationships with others.
6. Boundaries
do not scare off those with healthy boundaries and in fact boundaries will
filter out people that would deeply compromise or endanger you.
7. Continue
to be firm, clear and consistent with your boundaries.
8. Practice
loving detachment by responding in a different way, limiting or declining invitations
to spend time with them, not giving unsolicited advice and choosing not to engage
in the same old arguments. Detaching DOES NOT mean that you do not love the
person, it means that you are taking care of yourself.
9. Have
limited contact. Sometimes the only way to protect yourself is to limit your communication/interactions with people who don’t
respect you. Family and friends should lift you up, support and encourage you,
not make you feel guilty, anxious, stressed or angry.
10. If
you must be with that person, avoid being alone with them. Always have someone with
healthy boundaries themselves go with you.
Boundaries protect you from harm and maintains your
autonomy and individuality. Unfortunately, people that can’t control you any
longer will very likely not talk to you any longer, until they learn boundaries
for themselves.
Let’s
Discuss:
What
has been your experience with setting boundaries with others?
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