She
said she was sorry for at least the tenth time. Each time that I forgive, she
changes for a little while but then goes right back to her old behavior. I know
I am supposed to forgive as I am a Christian.
Does the above sound familiar? We are to forgive right? Yes, but there a difference between
forgiveness and reconciliation.
Many
people withhold forgiveness because they believe they have to immediately trust
the person that has hurt them, and form a relationship with them again.
Forgiveness
does not = Reconciliation.
Forgiveness is instant, but rebuilt trust and
reconciliation takes time. Reconciliation can only happen if there is true repentance,
that is not just saying the words, “I’m sorry,” but through a change in
behavior. God does command us to forgive others, but He never told us to keep
trusting those who repeatedly violate our trust. In fact, Jesus understood that
not all humans are trustworthy.
Because
of the miraculous signs Jesus did in Jerusalem at the Passover celebration,
many began to trust in Him. But Jesus didn’t trust them, because he knew human
nature. No one needed to tell Him what mankind is really like. John 2:23-25.
Sometimes
people live with resentment and bitterness because there has been confusion
about forgiveness and trust.
If there is a desire to restore a relationship,
communication is key. Issues have to be brought up and discussed, otherwise,
that same pattern of repeated behaviors that has hurt you, will happen again
and again. Someone has to stop the crazy cycle. If the offending person will not communicate with you honestly, then
you will not be able to have a true relationship built on trust with that
person.
The
glue that holds relationships together is trust and healthy communication.
Forgiveness
does not mean letting someone “off the hook.” It means holding
people accountable for their behavior. Confronting in love when necessary.
Forgiveness
does not mean we let the offense happen over and over again.
If someone has repeatedly hurt you, that does not mean that because you forgave
them to allow them to continue to hurt you.
Forgiveness
is not the same as reconciliation. We can forgive someone
even if we cannot be in a relationship with them.
Forgiveness
can be a process. Sometimes it takes time to work through
all the pain associated with the person who has hurt us. Be gentle with
yourself during this process, but make sure no bitterness, unresolved anger, or
revenge sneaks in.
Forgiveness
means letting go of the anger and resentment. Letting
go of these does not mean automatic trust, it means not holding onto grudges
and past offenses.
Reconciliation
is focused on restoring broken relationships. Those
who repeatedly commit offenses must be willing to recognize that reconciliation
is a process. Never allow anyone to force you back into a relationship with
them. If there is genuine repentance,
they will understand that broken trusts takes time to heal.
Words
alone are not sufficient enough to rebuild trust that leads to reconciliation.
In other words just saying, “I didn’t mean to hurt you or I’m sorry,” is not
enough for trust to happen. It is wise to
look at the offender’s actions or behavior as well as listen to the offender’s
words. Displays of tears or appearing
to be sorry must not be the substitutes for confession and repentance, and a turning away from hurtful behavior.
Reconciliation
can take place when the hurtful behaviors cease.
If you continue to observe the same
hurtful actions by the offender there cannot be a true reconciliation.
After you have forgiven someone that has hurt you, at
some point you will have to decide if it right to reconcile with them.
Repentance is not just an apology, it is turning away from one’s hurtful ways.
At some point you may need to interact with the person that has hurt you to see
if they have truly changed, or perhaps you can listen to what others are saying
about their behavior first. At other times you can just ask the Holy Spirit to show
you their true intentions. Don’t be
pressured to extend trust if you have not observed trustworthy behaviors. Pray
for the one who has hurt you. This will be a way to keep anger and bitterness
out of your spirit.
Is
there someone you need to forgive? For
if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also
forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not
forgive your sins, Matthew 6:14-15.
Reflection:
How will you know
when it is time to move beyond forgiveness to trust and reconciliation?
This is pertinent for me today, but I am the one in need of forgiveness.
ReplyDeleteI understand forgiveness may not lead to reconciliation and I am the one shunned.
The reason I keep getting into trouble with my daughter is because she holds all the power and control, and is used to dominating me. [ long history as to how this happened]. I am nearly 70 and I forget things.
I was sharing a prayer request in a privite group of intercessors, but I forgot to ask permission: May I share?
She had asked for prayer.
I am struggling with her unforgiveness and feel I can never live up to her expectations of me.
No-one else in my life thinks of me as a blabber-mouth.
I always respect privacy and only share with permission.
I think I stuff up with the one closest to me because nothing I do will ever be good enough.
How I understand your situation Mary! Dealt with similar issues with family.
DeleteYour understanding is priceless ;)
DeleteYour posts often help me immensely.
Thank you and God Bless.
What a blessing to receive your words of encouragement! May the Lord bless you and make His face shine upon you.
Delete