Counselor's Corner: Dealing with Passive-Aggressive Family

Healthy communication is a vital part of family cohesiveness, however poor communication can be a result of someone with a passive-aggressive personality. While you can be compassionate and understanding, it is important not to give into the sly manipulations of the passive-aggressive person. The passive-aggressive person does not deal with anger, resentment or other negative emotions in a straightforward way. Passive-aggressive people avoid direct conflict and honest confrontation and instead engage in gossiping to deal with resentment in relationships.

Passive-aggressive people can make you feel like you’re the problem or like you’re crazy.

Keys to identifying passive-aggressive behavior:

1)      The silent treatment or limited communication is used when you don’t do what someone wants you to do. This is a form of manipulation and a way to control you.

2)      Subtle behaviors including pouting, appearing upset, and being distant and aloof.

3)      Being stubborn. People behavior in stubborn ways as a way to punish you.

4)      Sweeping problems “under the rug” by refusing to communicate about problems.

5)      Hidden anger and bitterness. Behind their fake smile is a lot of resentment. They will not admit it, even when asked straight up. Their typical response is, “I’m fine.”

6)      Blame others for their actions and feelings as a way to avoid personal accountability.

7)      Send mixed messages and rarely do you get a straight forward response.

8)      Play innocent or dumb when something they did is called to their attention. This tactic is used to make you question your judgement.

9)      Use guilt-tripping and shaming buy suggesting you don’t care enough.

Trying to confront and get things out in the open tends to be the healthiest thing to do, but not likely to happen with a passive-aggressive. Passive-aggressive people can twist your words, so if you choose to confront directly be clear and upfront about issues.  Don’t waste energy trying to make them feel okay with you.

How to deal with passive-aggressive family:

1)      Set limits and maintain boundaries. Passive-aggression can be very damaging to your emotional and mental health. There is a power struggle of control with the passive-aggressive person, you must be firm, strong and guard your heart. Setting consequences if boundaries that you set are broken.

2)      Practice assertive communication, this means being assertive, nonreactive and respectful. Let them know what you will tolerate and not tolerate in a respectful way.

3)      Consider distance from the passive-aggressive family member if they consistently act passive-aggressive to you, especially after trying direct, assertive communication with them.

4)      Don’t share personal information with them. They may ask questions that seem innocent or just being concerned, but don’t share your weaknesses and struggles because they will use those against you.

5)      You cannot win or please them, simply agree to disagree and maintain your peace.

Being in a relationship with someone who is consistently passive-aggressive is not healthy because the relationship lacks honesty. People with passive-aggressive behavior express their negative feelings subtly through their actions instead of handling them directly, so you never truly know where you stand with a passive-aggressive person. We all can tend to have passive-aggressive behaviors, but when those behaviors are chronic is when you need to reevaluate your relationships with others.