Counselor's Corner: Setting Boundaries with Loved Ones-Part II

*Be sure to read Part I on Setting Boundaries.

Setting limits with loved ones is not always easy. Having prodigal children, dysfunctional and toxic family, and unbelieving family can test the strongest of individuals. It is imperative if one has these types of relationships to learn and apply boundaries with these individuals. You may love your family and have a deep desire to help them, and at the same time feel exhausted from the repetitive attempts to please, fix, and solve their problems. Often, you will see cycles of behavior in dysfunctional families, basically they manipulate to get their desired outcome, and the enabler succumbs; then this is repeated again and again. At times, it seems impossible to meet their every need, but you do because they are family, right?

If you see repeated patterns of unhealthy behavior with your nearest and dearest, and they look to you and not to God for intervening in their problems, it’s time to back off, and let God be God in their lives. Feelings of guilt may ensue, believing as Christians it is our duty to be at the beckoning demands of people. It is especially a challenge to set limits on our families who need constantly from us with no avail of changing. Do we really have the right to set limitations on our time, money, and resources? Yes!

To constantly intervene in the crisis and demands of people we love can be emotionally draining. Irresponsible behavior can be enabled if we are there trying to rescue the ones we cherish. Controllers hear the word “no” as a challenge to them. They project responsibility of their lives onto others, and use various means of control to manipulate you to carry their load. Manipulative controllers use guilt messages and will talk you into saying yes when you want to say no. They indirectly sway others to get their way. You may identify this trait in your loved ones.

“For each will have to bear his own load.” Galatians 5:6. Everyone should carry their own responsibility.

Jesus did not always do what everyone wanted Him to do. There were many people He did not help, and when He did help, He expected them to do their part. Jesus said no to the demands of people (Luke 5:5-16), and withdrew from the crowds who wanted Him, for alone time with the Father. Jesus confronted the invalid of 38 years at the sheep pool to “Get up! Pick up your mat and walk.” Jesus challenged him to be motivated and take responsibility for himself. (John 5:1-14).

Give your loved ones warnings for their hurtful behavior, if this does not work, set a consequence for violating the warning. If the consequence is broken, it may be time to separate yourself until that person understands what the violation was. This is never done to punish or done in anger, but to protect yourself. Limit your exposure to evil and unrepentive people. The Bible says to separate ourselves from people who act in destructive ways.

Boundaries are good and they are necessary to protect you mentally, spiritually, physically and financially. It is okay to set boundaries with your loved ones.

Counselor's Corner: Setting Boundaries-Part I

*Today’s article will be from a two-part series on setting boundaries.

Many people have trouble setting boundaries. In relationships, a boundary is what divides one person, so they can have separate identities. Healthy borders show respect for one another. Limits are important to have so that you do not become enmeshed with other people’s problems, and have difficulty setting parameters to their request. Sometimes, individuals lack constraints because they feel over-responsible for other people, and they are consumed by guilt and what others think of them. Individuals lack boundaries because they were never shown to them, such as with childhood sexual abuse. Someone with a history of abuse, often lacks healthy limitations, and everybody’s needs and concerns become their needs and concerns. They do not know where they begin, and others end, oftentimes, because they were violated and do not know they have the right to say, “No.”

It is okay to say, “No.”

If you lack the ability to be clear about not being able to do things, this can lead to exhaustion and burn-out, in particularly if one is involved in ministry or a helping profession. Living up to the expectations of others can become wearisome.

►Key signs to look for if someone has trouble setting boundaries: 

1.      Inability to not go along with others requests and demands of their time.

2.      Take on the burdens of others as if they were your own.

3.      History of abuse or permissive parents with no limits or discipline.

4.      Need the approval of others and have a fear of man. Care deeply what people think.

5.      Feel guilty if you’re not able to do what others expect.

6.      Oftentimes, feel used, exhausted, and irritated at the constant demands of others, but not able to set healthy parameters.

7.      Unaware of your own needs and have a difficult time taking care of personal needs.

“Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe.” Proverbs 29:25

Boundaries protect us from those who lack self-control, and try to manipulate to getting what they want. A person with healthy limitations takes responsibility for their own lives, and allows others to take responsibility of their lives. Problems setting limits are a main reason people get stressed. It is important to speak the truth, always in love, to those who would violate our boundaries.

As Christians, we feel to love someone, we should be long-suffering, and accept the person just as they are. One can continue to give and give, and continue on the “crazy cycle,” because we feel it’s the “Christian” thing to do. Hurt and resentment can begin to fester, if the person we are trying to help or meet their demands continues their sequence of bad behavior. There are two sides of love the Bible teaches about, one is acceptance and forgiveness, and the other is truth and righteous behavior. Love is not always giving people what they want or expect.

Be sure to check tomorrow’s blog post for part two on setting boundaries with loved ones.

Counselor's Corner: Freedom From Co-Dependency

With Christmas right around the corner, many will be around family that may trigger old patterns of co-dependent behavior. Know your triggers and how you can gain freedom from co-dependency.

►What is Co-Dependency?

Co-Dependency is a bondage to please other people.

Co-Dependents allow another person’s behavior to affect them, and other people’s problems to become their problems. They look for ways to try and fix and solve other people’s problems. Co-dependents are by nature a helper and a “fixer.” They pick up the pieces in other people’s lives, and don’t allow them to suffer natural consequences of their decisions. Co-Dependents are plagued by false guilt and a false sense of responsibility for people. They get so enmeshed in other people’s problems that it exhausts them, and they often feel their “cup is empty.” They often feel used by others, and that their needs really don’t matter. Often the Co-Dependent feels alone and overwhelmed. Co-Dependents feel the “weight of the world” on their shoulders.

►Who is Likely to be Co-Dependent?

·        Family of origin (the family that you were born into) that placed you in the role as the “fixer” in the family. A fixer is responsible for solving family problems and issues. The fixer has the answers and the solution.

·        Being in a relationship or have a family member that has an addiction issue.

·        Having a rebellious child, a prodigal child, or mentally-ill child or family member.

·        Irresponsible family members who inadvertently make their problems your problems.

·        Inability to say, “No” to others and difficulty setting boundaries with others.

·        Being a people pleaser and having a fear of displeasing man. Fear of letting others down and others being angry at you.

·        History of childhood trauma-abuse, domestic violence in the home, divorce, ill parent (either physical or mental).

·        Being involved in a relationship with an abusive partner as an adult.

Co-dependents try to fix, rescue, and help, but no matter how much they try they always end-up feeling like a failure.

Co-dependents never feel they can do enough. Co-dependents can easily analyze other people’s problems, and give them a solution to their problems. Co-dependents feel responsible for making other people happy.

Saying, “No” to a person’s need is almost impossible for the co-dependent, and especially if the co-dependent is a Christian.

Co-dependent Christians fear they can’t measure up to the Christian responsibilities, and struggle with guilt when they don’t help others.

Co-dependents are often compassionate and tender-hearted people that carry the burdens of others. Instead of empathizing with you, the co-dependent will sympathize with you. They have a difficult time not taking on the hurt and pain of others. They often “feel” the pain of others. If you tell a co-dependent a problem they instinctively begin looking for how to solve your problem. They are by-nature problem-solvers, and many have been solving problems in their family since childhood. Co-dependents can be easily controlled by others and easily manipulated because of their tender nature and desire to help. Some people know this and will attempt to take advantage of the co-dependent’s good-nature.

Codependents do what they do to gain a sense of self-worth and to gain love and acceptance that many have been looking for since childhood. They are trying to fill a void and deep pain in their lives by helping others, than they can feel useful and important. If a co-dependent helps someone they feel elated, and if they fail to help someone, they will feel like a failure.

 

►Key Factors in Gaining Freedom From Co-Dependency:

Get a journal and begin to pray through each one of these questions. Take your time, and allow the Holy Spirit to reveal the cause of your Codependency and specific steps for your healing.

1.      What is the root/origin of your co-dependency? If you don’t know ask the Holy Spirit to show you. What was your “role” in your family of origin? Fixer, etc. Did you experience role-reversal as a child? In other words did you play the role of parent and your parent (s) played the role of the child?

2.      What are your motives for co-dependency? Fear of rejection, fear of failure, avoidance of pain, gain approval by others, feel a sense of worth.

3.      Who fuels your co-dependency? Why? How do these people make you feel when you don’t do what they want? Do they withdraw from you, manipulate you, and reject you.

4.      Do you have an exaggerated perception of life? Things and people are all good or all bad. You tend to see people and situations in black and white?

5.      Do you feel valuable and worthy when you help or rescue someone? Do you feel guilty when you can’t help someone?

6.      Do you feel guilty when you say, “No” to others or when you take care of yourself?

7.      Are your emotions dependent on the responses of others? Ex., if she is sad, I must have done something to hurt her, it is my fault she is sad.

8.      Do you feel responsible for making other’s happy, not just in your family?

9.      Have you taken the place of God in other people’s lives? If someone has a need, your response is, “I’ll meet it.” Do you prevent others from developing responsibility in their own lives? Co-dependents should let other’s do things for themselves, but often they step in.

10.  Do you put on a façade for other people to cover your pain? Do you have a hard time admitting your problems? Don’t feel like bothering anyone else with your needs?

11.  As a Christian, do you feel you can’t measure up to the high expectations of the Christian life?

12.  Do you feel you can gain worth by serving God? Do you plunge into activities and service to gain approval and to feel worthy?

►How to Start Healing From Co-Dependency:

1.      Recognize you didn’t get here overnight, and it will be a process of recovery. You may have set-backs, especially if you are around others that trigger these behaviors.

2.      Find healthy Christians to be around, just don’t surround yourself with users, drainers, toxic, needy people, or other co-dependent people.  

3.      Detach from relationships as needed. Detach and pray, then when you are strong enough and God has allowed you to enter in the relationship again, than do so. This applies to family relationships, but friendships may be detached longer or permanently through the leading of Holy Spirit. Detachment always has the hope of reconciliation with that person, but if you feel you are relapsing into co-dependency and you reservoirs are on empty, it is okay to detach from a relationship for a time.

4.      When needs and problems come your way, don’t react and come up with a solution immediately. You can say to that person, “I need time to pray about that” or “I need God to direct me first before I make a decision.” Then go and pray before offering solutions, advice, help, or rescuing. Oftentimes, God does not want us to intervene because He is trying to work something out in their lives.

5.      Don’t assume that God wants you to rescue, help, and fix every problem that comes into your path, this can be especially difficult for the Christian. We are taught about servant hood and self-sacrifice and to put other’s needs ahead of our own. But God does not expect us to give on “empty,” and Jesus did not heal every sick person nor help every single person that came into His contact. We have to have discernment to know when God says, “Step in,” and when He is leading us from not intervening.

6.      Don’t anticipate the needs of others. Listen to them and let them ask for help, but don’t offer up help that they are not asking for. A lot of the time people will tell you their woes hoping you will help, but it is better if they ask directly for the needs that they have. Even if they do ask for help, you can still say that you need to pray first and get back to them.

7.      Do not rescue compulsively. You will have to be on guard for this because you will be presented needs and you will want to rescue.

8.      Set limits in your life. Recognize and be aware what people in your life get you entangled in the trap of co-dependency.

9.      Start taking care of yourself. Do things that you enjoy. Keep your eyes focused on Jesus and not on other people’s issues. This can be a challenge for the co-dependent if you have been surrounded by needs, so this is where detachment for a time is important.

Counselor's Corner: When Opposition Comes Your Way

Have you ever noticed when you are trying to move forward in the things that God wants you to do, opposition comes?

In the book of Nehemiah, opposition came to Nehemiah when he began rebuilding the walls in Jerusalem. Nehemiah was confident of his task that he had prayed about, but he received opposition immediately, during, and right before completing the wall. In every generation, there are those who resist God’s people and try to block God’s purpose. When you set out to do God’s work, some will oppose you and some will hope that you fail. The work of rebuilding the wall progressed despite the opposition and discouragement, because Nehemiah and his workers did not lose faith or give up, but they preserved because they knew God had given them an assignment to do.

Sanballat and Tobiah were two of the main opposing forces to Nehemiah. When Nehemiah almost had the wall completed, Sanballat and Tobiah realized their efforts were not working so they decided to attack Nehemiah’s character. They attacked Nehemiah personally with rumors and false reports. Personal attacks can hurt us deeply, especially when the criticism is unjustified. When you are living for God and doing His work, you may receive attacks on your character. Nehemiah overlooked and ignored the abuse, and he kept rebuilding the wall. Despite the resistance, the wall around Jerusalem was built in record time! Nehemiah kept pressing forward despite opposition, attacks on his character and false reports.

When opposition builds against you or the work you are doing for God, it can be tempting to pray, “Get me out of this Lord!” But Nehemiah prayed, “Strengthen my hands.” When Nehemiah prayed for strength, God always answered him.

Jesus even faced opposition. The Pharisees opposed Jesus!

Reflect and ponder: Have you felt opposition as you were trying to live for God or work for Him? Maybe the opposition is coming from the culture around you that is in opposition to the ways of God, or perhaps from religious groups. When you face opposition, do you quit, run and hide, or push through? What do you think God wants you to do?

In the book of Nehemiah, there were at least six types of oppositions that was encountered; you may encounter these as well as you are living for Christ. Be aware of the opposition that may come your way, so you can stand your ground and move forward.

1.      The anger of others against you.

 Most if not all of the anger will be unjustified. You most likely will feel sucker-punched by the angry blows directed towards you. When you get serious about living for God, the enemy will use people to stir anger towards you.

2.      Mockery as you take a stand for Christ.

Others will wait for you to fail, so they can say, “See, I told you Christians were no different.” Your commitment to Christ threatens godless lifestyles.

3.      Intimidation.

The enemy gets more aggressive when you don’t back down, and will use intimidation against you. The enemy uses subtle and overt intimidation against Christians. If you make a stand for truth and God’s Word, intimidation comes to back you down and cause you to stop.

4.      Discouragement and fatigue.

People usually get tired in the middle, not the beginning. The beginning of our relationship with Christ is exciting and fresh, and when we begin a new project for the Lord it can be exhilarating; but discouragement and fatigue can come strong as we are in the middle and we need a push to finish strong. Many right now just need a push to finish strong. When this happens, renew your commitment to the Lord, refresh with the Word of God, ask the Lord to strengthen you to finish strong, and gather strong supporters around you.

5.      Negative reports.

These reports can come as our enemy to our faith. Negative reports seek to derail our faith and bring us down. Remember when the spies gave their narrative of the Promised Land in Numbers 13:28-29, their report was, “We are like grasshoppers in their sight. There is no way we can take the land.”

6.      Fear.

Fear is the biggest opposition we will face, this tactic is used when all the other opposing forces have not worked against you. The enemy will use fear to paralyze you, and abort the task He has called you to do.

When opposition comes, you can run and hide, compromise, or take a stand and move forward. When you face opposition don’t get angry, take vengeance, or allow it to steal your time and focus. There is a time to confront those who oppose God’s ways, but it should never become a distraction to your purpose. In our Western culture, Christians are compromising and neglecting what God says in order to “keep peace and not offend,” sinful actions and lifestyles. As Christians we must take a stand for truth.

MEDITATE ON THESE SCRIPTURES:

Do not be afraid of them. Remember the Lord God, great and awesome.

Nehemiah 4:14

When the enemy comes in like a flood, the Spirit of the Lord God will lift up a standard against him.

Isaiah 59:19