Counselor's Corner: Setting Boundaries-Part I

*Today’s article will be from a two-part series on setting boundaries.

Many people have trouble setting boundaries. In relationships, a boundary is what divides one person, so they can have separate identities. Healthy borders show respect for one another. Limits are important to have so that you do not become enmeshed with other people’s problems, and have difficulty setting parameters to their request. Sometimes, individuals lack constraints because they feel over-responsible for other people, and they are consumed by guilt and what others think of them. Individuals lack boundaries because they were never shown to them, such as with childhood sexual abuse. Someone with a history of abuse, often lacks healthy limitations, and everybody’s needs and concerns become their needs and concerns. They do not know where they begin, and others end, oftentimes, because they were violated and do not know they have the right to say, “No.”

It is okay to say, “No.”

If you lack the ability to be clear about not being able to do things, this can lead to exhaustion and burn-out, in particularly if one is involved in ministry or a helping profession. Living up to the expectations of others can become wearisome.

►Key signs to look for if someone has trouble setting boundaries: 

1.      Inability to not go along with others requests and demands of their time.

2.      Take on the burdens of others as if they were your own.

3.      History of abuse or permissive parents with no limits or discipline.

4.      Need the approval of others and have a fear of man. Care deeply what people think.

5.      Feel guilty if you’re not able to do what others expect.

6.      Oftentimes, feel used, exhausted, and irritated at the constant demands of others, but not able to set healthy parameters.

7.      Unaware of your own needs and have a difficult time taking care of personal needs.

“Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe.” Proverbs 29:25

Boundaries protect us from those who lack self-control, and try to manipulate to getting what they want. A person with healthy limitations takes responsibility for their own lives, and allows others to take responsibility of their lives. Problems setting limits are a main reason people get stressed. It is important to speak the truth, always in love, to those who would violate our boundaries.

As Christians, we feel to love someone, we should be long-suffering, and accept the person just as they are. One can continue to give and give, and continue on the “crazy cycle,” because we feel it’s the “Christian” thing to do. Hurt and resentment can begin to fester, if the person we are trying to help or meet their demands continues their sequence of bad behavior. There are two sides of love the Bible teaches about, one is acceptance and forgiveness, and the other is truth and righteous behavior. Love is not always giving people what they want or expect.

Be sure to check tomorrow’s blog post for part two on setting boundaries with loved ones.