*Be sure to read Part I on Setting Boundaries.
Setting limits with loved ones is not always easy.
Having prodigal children, dysfunctional and toxic family, and unbelieving family
can test the strongest of individuals. It is imperative if one has these types
of relationships to learn and apply boundaries with these individuals. You may
love your family and have a deep desire to help them, and at the same time feel
exhausted from the repetitive attempts to please, fix, and solve their
problems. Often, you will see cycles of
behavior in dysfunctional families, basically they manipulate to get their
desired outcome, and the enabler succumbs; then this is repeated again and
again. At times, it seems impossible to meet their every need, but you do
because they are family, right?
If you see repeated
patterns of unhealthy behavior with your nearest and dearest, and they look
to you and not to God for intervening in their problems, it’s time to back off,
and let God be God in their lives. Feelings of guilt may ensue, believing as
Christians it is our duty to be at the beckoning demands of people. It is
especially a challenge to set limits on our families who need constantly from
us with no avail of changing. Do we really have the right to set limitations on
our time, money, and resources? Yes!
To constantly intervene in the crisis and demands of
people we love can be emotionally draining. Irresponsible behavior can be
enabled if we are there trying to rescue the ones we cherish. Controllers hear
the word “no” as a challenge to them. They project responsibility of their
lives onto others, and use various means of control to manipulate you to carry
their load. Manipulative controllers use guilt messages and will talk you into saying
yes when you want to say no. They indirectly sway others to get their way.
You
may identify this trait in your loved ones.
“For
each will have to bear his own load.” Galatians 5:6. Everyone
should carry their own responsibility.
Jesus did not always do what everyone wanted Him to
do. There were many people He did not help, and when He did help, He expected
them to do their part. Jesus said no to the demands of people (Luke 5:5-16),
and withdrew from the crowds who wanted Him, for alone time with the Father. Jesus
confronted the invalid of 38 years at the sheep pool to “Get up! Pick up your
mat and walk.” Jesus challenged him to be motivated and take responsibility for
himself. (John 5:1-14).
Give your loved ones warnings for their hurtful behavior,
if this does not work, set a consequence for violating the warning. If the
consequence is broken, it may be time to separate yourself until that person
understands what the violation was. This is never done to punish or done in
anger, but to protect yourself. Limit your exposure to evil and unrepentive
people. The Bible says to separate ourselves from people who act in destructive
ways.
Boundaries are good and they are necessary to protect
you mentally, spiritually, physically and financially. It is okay to set
boundaries with your loved ones.
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