Counselor's Corner: Getting Entagled in Other People's Problems

Should we ignore other people’s plights? Absolutely not! There are occasions that we should step-in and intervene when someone is having trouble whether financial, emotional or spiritual. When the Holy Spirit directs you to help a person in need you will have clear direction, clarity and peace. You will also have an inner knowing or a nudge deep down inside that lets you know it is okay to give your time, talent or treasures. You will not have to figure out how you are going to help or solve someone else’s dilemma because the Holy Spirit will show you their need and how you can go about meeting that need.

What happens when you are not lead by God to give or help someone, and is this even possible for a Christian not to help someone in need?

First, let’s define a true need versus those who do not want to take full responsibility for their lives. We all have needs from time to time, and as Christians there is a great joy to give to those in need. There are times when people get “down on their luck” and just need help for a time, but when that need becomes chronic and on-going, “there’s a problem Houston.” What kind of problem? Irresponsibility. These are the folks that want you to get in their tangled-up problems and have you solve how to fix their messes. When resources have been given to people who are in dire straights numerous times and they still need a helping hand, it is time to step out of the vortex of entanglement. You can not help someone who does not want help. Those that desire to be helped will transition to the next level after support has been given. You can support someone for life but that does not mean you are really helping him.

My grandmother supported my uncle for decades, if he had a need, she met it. My grandmother was also very exhausted and wiped out financially from all the years of bailing my uncle out. My grandmother was diagnosed with dementia and Alzheimers in the last stage of her life. I wonder now if the dementia and Alzheimers was related to the years of chronic stress, worry and guilt she had for her son. When she passed away last December, my mother had found that my grandmother’s debt was largely a result of continuing to bail my uncle out of his poor choices. The bottom line is even after many years of giving my uncle a place to live for free, buying his groceries and giving him money he still ended-up on the streets. My uncle died last year with nothing but a beat-up old station wagon. His only surviving child was left nothing because he used his money for drugs and gambling. My grandmother and uncle did not have a symbiotic relationship but one where my uncle was the “emotional vampire” and my grandmother was the “insect” he preyed on draining the life out of her. When my grandmother was alive she suffered from depression and eventually began abusing pain medicine, and she always seemed so weighted down and lacking in joy. I now wonder was the depression and addiction to pain medicine a result of always being entangled in my uncle’s problems? At the end of her life and my uncle’s life, they had nothing-no home, no money. My grandmother’s biggest problem when it came to giving to my uncle was that she felt sorry for him. She never believed he could make it on his own, and she spoke her worst fears about him if she did not help him. My grandmother was motivated by fear, guilt, and worry over what may happen to my uncle if she did not help him, but in the end what she was trying to prevent in the decades of helping, still happened.

Just because something seems like the right thing to do, does not mean it is the right thing to do. There are times the enemy will use the people closest to you in hopes to engage you in their barrage of problems. Entanglement means to get caught in a trap with no way to escape. When God prompts you to help someone, you will feel energized, joyful and invigorated. My grandmother never felt energized or joyful helping my uncle, but instead felt guilty and often would say statements like, “If I don’t help who will, I don’t have a choice.” Pressure and guilt never comes from God, yet my grandmother felt pressure and guilt for helping her son because she believed she was the only one who could help. My grandmother’s home was always full of stress, tension and had an air of “heaviness.” I hated going to my grandmother’s house, especially if my uncle would be there because I knew he was around to get something. My uncle was selfish and never thought about the damage he did to his mother. My grandmother had a heart of compassion and deep mercy for her son, and he knew that and took advantage of that.

There is a time to help and there is a time to stop. When helping is chronic and the person you are assisting is behaving irresponsible and not learning from their mistakes, let God fully have them. Tough love, it that, tough! But if there is a chance for your loved one or the person who you are trying to help to stand on their own “two feet,” let them figure out how to manage their own lives. The harsh reality is there are some who never want to take ownership of their lives and will leech on the resources of others. Ask God to give you the discernment and wisdom when you need to say, “no more.” Saying “no” without guilt comes with knowing that you are trying to help them by forcing them to stand on their own and be responsible and productive citizens. You may feel grief and/or sadness for your loved one who cannot seem to manage their lives. This is normal and part of your healing process as you move forward in your life without the guilt and fulfill what plans and purposes God has for you. Write or talk out your grief and let God have your brokenness for them. Never stop interceding for them, and always believe that God can do in their lives what you cannot. Place your hope in God for them, not you. Let God be their Savior and Redeemer. Refresh your spirit with testimonies of people who have walked out of darkness and have been transformed by Jesus Christ, He can do it! God is no respecter of person’s. You cannot play Savior in someone’s life, that is a burden too big for anyone to carry. Do you not believe God sees the needs of the person you care about? God does send His assistance to those in need, but He will not allow others not to take responsibility for their lives. God is always moved with compassion to those in need, but His desire is to get you up and moving in your destiny.