Have you felt the pressure of guilt from your loved ones when they indirectly ask you to fulfill an unspoken request? You know that your
loved one is hinting around for you
to help them, but their language is twisted in confusion and half-truths so
that you will be the one that has the “bright idea” how to solve their dilemma
and they appear to be the helpless victim.
Codependent people can be easily manipulated and often times are,
mainly because of their strong desire to recuse and fix other’s problems. Your
loved ones that manipulate know your tender and merciful heart and will try and
take advantage of that. Being a kind and generous person is great, but also
being wise to when you are being taken advantage of is just as important. Jesus
did not repeatedly help and rescue the same people, He helped once and then
moved on to others. If your loved ones are needing repeated recusing, it is
time to reevaluate your part.
Not sure if your loved one is manipulating you,
these are some classic signs to look for:
1. Speak in
confusion, lies and/or a mix of half-truths.
2. Have a
history of lying and/or being dishonest.
3. Have an
addiction-drugs, alcohol, gambling, money.
4. Live way
above their means.
5. Financially
irresponsible. History of debt, not paying bills, evictions, and/or legal
issues.
6. Fired
from previous jobs and it is always someone else’s fault.
7. Speaks as
a victim and tends to blame other people for their messes.
8. Can
never help enough, there is always a need or a crisis.
9. Use
flattery and gifts as tools to gain an advantage over you.
10. Are
repeat offenders, get themselves is the same destructive cycles and expect you
to get them out one more time.
11. Operate
in ‘surprises” to catch you off guard, such as a surprise visit to your home.
12. Feel overwhelmed
with guilt if you say “no” or don’t offer to help.
13. Do you
leave your loved one’s presence and feel emotionally/mentally, physically, and
spiritually drained?
14. Do you feel
confused when you loved one speaks to you?
15. Is your
emotional/mental, physical and spiritual health being affected in a negative
way after years of being in a manipulating relationship?
16. Have you
bailed your loved one out finanically, mentally or spiritually many times and
they keep coming back from more?
17. Does
your loved one recognize the damage caused by manipulation by repenting or do
you get the notion they just don’t get it?
18. Do you
dread being around your loved one, or do you leave them feeling burdened?
19. Do you
stop your life to meet your loved one’s needs, or to be there for them, again?
20. Do you
lose sleep or feel restless because you are trying to figure out how you can
help your loved one with their indirect need (the need they did not come out
and ask you about, but you know you have the resources and so do they, so you
can help one more time)? This kind of inner dialogue can keep you up at night.
21. Your
loved one has a history of harming themselves or has made threats to harm
themselves. There is a sense of urgency and hypervigilance with your loved one
when they have a crisis because you don’t want anything to happen to them.
Unfortunately, there are those who know this and take advantage of your deep concern
for them. God NEVER motivated by fear, worry, anxiety or guilt.
22. You feel
pressure to do something for them, but you don’t have clarity what you are
supposed to do for them.
23. At times
you want to run away or escape to get away from all the constant barrage of
problems.
Freedom from loved ones who manipulate starts
with:
1. Identify
is there a problem with manipulation with your loved one?
2. Recognize
is there a repeated pattern of destructive and unstable ways in your loved one?
3. After
reviewing the signs of manipulation above, and you sense you are being manipulated
never make a decision based because you feel pressured or it seems like the right
thing to do. Take some time to step away and get before God and pray for His
clarity. God speaks in peace; the enemy speaks in confusion. If you feel confused
about agreeing to your loved one’s request, step back and go before God. Do not
agree to anything until you have peace.
4. Know
your limits! If you are tired or worn-out, that is NOT the time to agree to do
something that you will drain you even more. Those that manipulate have poor
limits and boundaries and feel perfectly okay with violating your limits. Those
that manipulate will try and wear you down until you say “yes,” to one of their
needs.
5. Allow
your loved one to grow-up and take full ownership of their lives. If your loved
one is an adult, let them be fully an adult. If you are dealing with a child (yes,
children can manipulate), you have authority to tell your child, “no,” to their
request. Just because your child asks you for something, it does not mean you
have to give it to them. Some children become spoiled and lazy when they get
all their requests meet, and then grow up to become adults that continue to act
like immature children.
6. Understand
how God operates. When God directs you to do something you will have peace, strength
and grace. The Holy Spirit will also illuminate to you exactly what you should
do. The Holy Spirit gives precise
directions in clarity. When the enemy operates he operates in confusion,
chaos, worry, fear, anxiety, guilt and pressure, When the enemy is trying to
pressure you to do something you will “spin your wheels” trying to figure out
what to do. There will not be a solution to the problem, and the problem
appears massive and burdensome.
7. Pray for
your loved ones who are manipulating you to get their needs meet. Ask Holy
Spirit to show your loved ones how to be responsible for their own lives.
8. Set
boundaries if your loved one repeatedly has violated your sense of well-being.
It is okay to step back from the toxicity of being manipulated. You may need to
step away from your phone, not answer the unexpected knock at the door, or not
accept calls from your loved ones for a period of time. If your loved one
continues to manipulate you, you may need a separation period to heal. Ask the
Holy Spirit what type of separation He wants for you. If you are getting sick
and/or exhausted, it is okay to separate until you gain strength. Being manipulated
is taxing to your overall health.
9. If your
loved one has an issue with lying, it would be advisable not to blindly trust what
they say and to keep your heart guarded from the lying, do not react or give responses
to what they are saying. You are not able
to trust someone that lies. I would advice binding the spirit of lying and
deception in Jesus name if you plan on having a conversation with them, and
that truth must be spoken from their lips.
Be aware if your loved one knows that you are gong to say “no” to
their request, they may use manipulation to get what they want. Remember if you
are being manipulated you most likely will not be asked directly for a need to
be meet but will be told story after story of their “woe is me” life and how it
is everyone else’s fault why they are in trouble. You will be able to sense
deep down in your gut that their stories are off and they are “fishing” for you
to step up and take care of their needs. People who are responsible for their
lives, take full ownership of it and never make anyone else feel responsible for
their decisions, including poor choices.
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