Tuesday, June 26, 2018

Counselor's Corner: Freedoom from Being Manipulated by Your Loved Ones





Have you felt the pressure of guilt from your loved ones when they indirectly ask you to fulfill an unspoken request? You know that your loved one is hinting around for you to help them, but their language is twisted in confusion and half-truths so that you will be the one that has the “bright idea” how to solve their dilemma and they appear to be the helpless victim.



Codependent people can be easily manipulated and often times are, mainly because of their strong desire to recuse and fix other’s problems. Your loved ones that manipulate know your tender and merciful heart and will try and take advantage of that. Being a kind and generous person is great, but also being wise to when you are being taken advantage of is just as important. Jesus did not repeatedly help and rescue the same people, He helped once and then moved on to others. If your loved ones are needing repeated recusing, it is time to reevaluate your part.




Not sure if your loved one is manipulating you, these are some classic signs to look for:



1.      Speak in confusion, lies and/or a mix of half-truths.

2.      Have a history of lying and/or being dishonest.

3.      Have an addiction-drugs, alcohol, gambling, money.

4.      Live way above their means.

5.      Financially irresponsible. History of debt, not paying bills, evictions, and/or legal issues.

6.      Fired from previous jobs and it is always someone else’s fault.

7.      Speaks as a victim and tends to blame other people for their messes.

8.      Can never help enough, there is always a need or a crisis.

9.      Use flattery and gifts as tools to gain an advantage over you.

10.  Are repeat offenders, get themselves is the same destructive cycles and expect you to get them out one more time.

11.  Operate in ‘surprises” to catch you off guard, such as a surprise visit to your home.

12.  Feel overwhelmed with guilt if you say “no” or don’t offer to help.

13.  Do you leave your loved one’s presence and feel emotionally/mentally, physically, and spiritually drained?

14.  Do you feel confused when you loved one speaks to you?

15.  Is your emotional/mental, physical and spiritual health being affected in a negative way after years of being in a manipulating relationship?

16.  Have you bailed your loved one out finanically, mentally or spiritually many times and they keep coming back from more?

17.  Does your loved one recognize the damage caused by manipulation by repenting or do you get the notion they just don’t get it?

18.  Do you dread being around your loved one, or do you leave them feeling burdened?

19.  Do you stop your life to meet your loved one’s needs, or to be there for them, again?

20.  Do you lose sleep or feel restless because you are trying to figure out how you can help your loved one with their indirect need (the need they did not come out and ask you about, but you know you have the resources and so do they, so you can help one more time)? This kind of inner dialogue can keep you up at night.

21.  Your loved one has a history of harming themselves or has made threats to harm themselves. There is a sense of urgency and hypervigilance with your loved one when they have a crisis because you don’t want anything to happen to them. Unfortunately, there are those who know this and take advantage of your deep concern for them. God NEVER motivated by fear, worry, anxiety or guilt.

22.  You feel pressure to do something for them, but you don’t have clarity what you are supposed to do for them.

23.  At times you want to run away or escape to get away from all the constant barrage of problems.





Freedom from loved ones who manipulate starts with:


1.      Identify is there a problem with manipulation with your loved one?

2.      Recognize is there a repeated pattern of destructive and unstable ways in your loved one?

3.      After reviewing the signs of manipulation above, and you sense you are being manipulated never make a decision based because you feel pressured or it seems like the right thing to do. Take some time to step away and get before God and pray for His clarity. God speaks in peace; the enemy speaks in confusion. If you feel confused about agreeing to your loved one’s request, step back and go before God. Do not agree to anything until you have peace.  

4.      Know your limits! If you are tired or worn-out, that is NOT the time to agree to do something that you will drain you even more. Those that manipulate have poor limits and boundaries and feel perfectly okay with violating your limits. Those that manipulate will try and wear you down until you say “yes,” to one of their needs.

5.      Allow your loved one to grow-up and take full ownership of their lives. If your loved one is an adult, let them be fully an adult. If you are dealing with a child (yes, children can manipulate), you have authority to tell your child, “no,” to their request. Just because your child asks you for something, it does not mean you have to give it to them. Some children become spoiled and lazy when they get all their requests meet, and then grow up to become adults that continue to act like immature children.

6.      Understand how God operates. When God directs you to do something you will have peace, strength and grace. The Holy Spirit will also illuminate to you exactly what you should do. The Holy Spirit gives precise directions in clarity. When the enemy operates he operates in confusion, chaos, worry, fear, anxiety, guilt and pressure, When the enemy is trying to pressure you to do something you will “spin your wheels” trying to figure out what to do. There will not be a solution to the problem, and the problem appears massive and burdensome.

7.      Pray for your loved ones who are manipulating you to get their needs meet. Ask Holy Spirit to show your loved ones how to be responsible for their own lives.

8.      Set boundaries if your loved one repeatedly has violated your sense of well-being. It is okay to step back from the toxicity of being manipulated. You may need to step away from your phone, not answer the unexpected knock at the door, or not accept calls from your loved ones for a period of time. If your loved one continues to manipulate you, you may need a separation period to heal. Ask the Holy Spirit what type of separation He wants for you. If you are getting sick and/or exhausted, it is okay to separate until you gain strength. Being manipulated is taxing to your overall health.

9.      If your loved one has an issue with lying, it would be advisable not to blindly trust what they say and to keep your heart guarded from the lying, do not react or give responses to what they are saying. You are not able to trust someone that lies. I would advice binding the spirit of lying and deception in Jesus name if you plan on having a conversation with them, and that truth must be spoken from their lips.



Be aware if your loved one knows that you are gong to say “no” to their request, they may use manipulation to get what they want. Remember if you are being manipulated you most likely will not be asked directly for a need to be meet but will be told story after story of their “woe is me” life and how it is everyone else’s fault why they are in trouble. You will be able to sense deep down in your gut that their stories are off and they are “fishing” for you to step up and take care of their needs. People who are responsible for their lives, take full ownership of it and never make anyone else feel responsible for their decisions, including poor choices.

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