Why I Crave Stability
I grew up in a home that was unstable and I never knew what the atmosphere in our home would be like. I did not know from minute to minute who would be upset or who would explode in a rage. I do not ever remember experiencing peace in my home, I believe that is why I am so adamant in there being peace in my home now. I also like to know what is going to happen before it does, or at least have a plan. I realize we cannot plan everything, but my world goes into complete chaos if I don’t have some sort of plan, even if it is an outline. I don’t like unexpected company or unplanned events. I am a planner at heart and I do really try to “go with the flow,” but when you come from chaos you crave stability. In my mind plans=stability.
I grew up with family members who had various mental health issues and substance and alcohol addictions, so there was little stability in my world. Even now as I am all grown up, many of my family members still have mental health issues and addictions, including my son. I never know what I will get from some of my family, some days they are consistent and others days they “drop off the face of the earth.” Some days they are great to talk with and others days they are draining emotionally, but the difficult part is that I do not know when they will have a good or bad day. I don’t know if I say, “No,” to their requests if I will hear from them again. I have no idea from day to day what will come out of their mouths, or if today they will decide to follow Jesus. Even their relationship with Jesus is a roller coaster ride, some days they pursue Him and others days they are pursuing the things of the world. Sometimes they will pray with me and others times they want nothing to do with prayer.
I never know where they will end up living, several in my family change where they live frequently and most of the time I don’t even know where they live. Their phone numbers change just as frequent. Sometimes I don’t hear anything from them at all, leaving me to wonder yet again, “Are they okay?”
I wish I could say I had more stability in my family but I don’t. I am the most stable person in my family, and I am the “baby.” I am very big on people keeping their word and doing what they say they are going to do, and I know that is a result of so many in my life who do just the opposite of that. Oh, how I crave stability!
It is amazing how we can ride the roller coaster of emotions with others, but I don’t want that! If my family CHOOSES to live in turmoil and instability then that is their choice! I cannot control others, but I can control myself and I can maintain peace and stability in my home. I can CHOOSE how often I interact with the unstable people in my life. I don’t have to ride the “crazy train,” I am CHOOSING to get off!
I desire the later part of my life to have peace and stability from Christ. If others CHOOSE to continue to live in turmoil, then they can, but I can’t and will not any longer. Yes, my heart goes out to others who are emotionally unstable but I can’t let it drown me any longer. I have to CHOOSE every day to fight against the generational sins and strongholds in my family, but I fight. I CHOOSE to get in the Word and believe what it says despite my feelings. And yes, some day are more challenging to have stability like around the time of my cycle, but I try not to spew and spill my emotions over any and every one. I have problems just like everyone else, but I don’t expect others to clean up my mess or bail me out of my troubles. I ask for prayer if I am in deep trouble, but I don’t expect others to carry my load and burden themselves. Unstable people will get you to carry their load and yours too! Unstable people have no boundaries, so they don’t know when enough is enough-you have to set the boundaries with them!
I long for the day that I can count on my family, but if that day never comes; I can ALWAYS count on Jesus. I long for the day that I won’t feel like I have to pick up the pieces in their lives, and be the “rock” for them because their lives are so chaotic, BUT if that does not happen-God will be my rock! I will have stability in my life and home regardless of who in my life does not. I will no longer carry the guilt of them not being able to get their lives together, and feeling sorry for them. I will no longer feel sorry for them, and feel it is my duty to fix their problems and be the “rock” for them. I am not a rock, I am a person with human weaknesses, but Jesus can become their rock. I can feel bad for them and believe they just have not had the opportunities that I have had, or their lives have been harder than mine; but the reality is my life has been no calk walk! The difference is I make CHOICES daily that I will pursue God and His ways.
You therefore, beloved, knowing beforehand, take care that you are not carried away with the error of lawless people and lose your own stability. 2 Peter 3:17