Counselor's Corner: Freedom from False Guilt

 False guilt tells you that you have done something wrong when you have not.

People who are codependent suffer from false guilt more than others do.

Codependents have internalized shame, which fosters a guilty conscience when they are not able to fulfill others needs. Codependents are especially hard on themselves and tend to feel guilty when they are not able to meet everyone’s demands. Codependents are easily manipulated and receive the blame from other people for not complying with their wishes. Codependents are usually the ones who say that they are sorry and try to make peace in order to avoid other’s being upset or disappointed with them.

Codependents feel guilty for not doing enough or giving enough. Codependents usually are connected to relationships that are unhealthy and that foster enabling type of behaviors. Codependents rarely feel free to say, “No,” and when they do they are loaded down with guilt. Codependents often hear internal statements such as, “you should be, you ought to, you need to, and/or you could have.”

Many codependents will go to great lengths to please others, often at the expense of their health, energy and finances.

Codependents feel responsible for others, including fixing and solving other people’s problems. Allowing other people to suffer consequences of their poor choices is most difficult for the codependent, as they will often come to the rescue of the one who needs recuing. Unfortunately, the one who needs recuing knows that the rescuer is kind-hearted and compassionate and will take advantage of this. Codependents often feel guilty for others actions and behaviors.

Codependents deny their needs and will place others needs and wants first. If you are a Christian, the sense of false guilt can be more extreme since there is a belief that Christians should give and give until there is nothing left to give. As a Christian, giving to others should be sacrificial and more importantly Holy Spirit led. God does not expect you to meet every want or need that comes in your path, sometimes God needs to work in that person’s life without your intervention. The enemy will send people in your path to distract you, derail you, and exhaust you. As a Christian, it is imperative that you are in tune with the Holy Spirit as to who to help and how to help. Especially for those who keep coming to you to have their “leaky cups” filled. A leaky cup has to be filled up often, and if you continue to pour into others leaky cups, you can become exhausted.

Codependents feel anxiety and guilt when other people have problems. Codependents will feel compelled to help solve other’s problems, including offering unwanted advice and suggestions. Codependents anticipate others needs and figure out ways to help with those needs. Codependents will abandon their routine to respond to or do something for someone else, and when they don’t, they feel guilty.

When something goes wrong, the codependent will blame themselves, which leads to guilt. Codependents feel guilty if they take care of themselves or spend money on themselves, because they should be helping others with their money and time.

Guilt should not preoccupy your thoughts. If you are playing over and over in your head why you had to set a boundary or could not fulfill a need, this can lead to depression, shame and self-punishment. Self-punishment can come in the form of not enjoying your life or allowing yourself to laugh. Self-punishment that stems from guilt says, “why should you be having fun and laughing when you should be (fill in the blank).

Guilt saps energy and the joy out of life.

Codependents who continue to rescue, problem-solve, help others relentlessly, and feel guilt for saying no or setting boundaries; not only will experience false guilt but lethargy, depression, hopelessness, anxiety, worry, escapism, sickness and mental/emotional problems. Some codependents get so physically and mentally drained that they have thoughts of suicide.

Freedom from codependency is possible, and important for your overall mental, emotional and spiritual well-being. If you are feeling emotionally, mentally and/or physically exhausted from repeatedly recusing, problem-solving and feeling guilty for not doing for others, then you must get serious about your freedom from codependency.

Freedom from false guilt starts with asking yourself the following questions:

·         Do you have a sense of peace about helping or do you feel pressure or a lack of peace?

·         Do you have strength? Spiritual, physical and/or mental?

·         Do you have an inner knowing deep inside from Holy Spirit that you should be doing this or that?

·         Do you have to figure out what you should do, or is the solution to the problem illuminated and you just know what to do?

·         Have you asked God if you should help? What did He tell you to do? Listen carefully because God does speak to His children.

·         Do you feel responsible for offering the solution to someone’s problem? If someone does not directly ask you for advice or help-don’t give it. Don’t try and figure out ways to help but be still and wait for God to show you. It is very likely if you have repeatedly intervened and helped someone, God will likely have you to pray but not physically or finically intervene.

·         Are you able to place boundaries in relationships without feeling like you’re doing something wrong?

·         Are you able to say to others request and not feel guilty for doing so?

·         Do you tend to condemn yourself if you are not pleasing others?

If you do not have the promoting of the Holy Spirit to intervene then move on and enjoy your life without punishing yourself. It is okay to set boundaries, to say no, and to have limits. Know your limits. Know when your helping is no longer helping but instead just placing a bandage over that you would have to replace over and over again. God is capable of helping the ones we love. God works in peace, flow, order, grace and strength, and the enemy works in disorder, chaos, drama, turmoil, pressure and guilt. Guilt never comes from God. God convicts us of sin but does not load us down with heaps of guilt. If you feel guilt for not helping, doing for others or setting boundaries, check the source!

Counselor's Corner: Becomming Resilient Under Pressure

Many in life have been knocked down repeatedly by various trials. Some have had to learn very early on in life how to fight, and some have never learned to get back up from the punches in life. For someone who has been under pressure, stress, trauma, and different crisis’ in their lives, developing resilience is key for maintaining and keeping good mental, physical and spiritual health.

→Without resilience, one breaks under pressure instead of just gently bending.

→What is resilience? The capacity to recover quickly from difficulties. You can bounce back swiftly after stress or difficulty in your life.

Research shows that the amount of resilience a person possesses is a greater factor for determining success in life rather than your IQ. Some people have a natural tendency towards resilience, while others are bent more towards emotional reactions including being overwhelmed by difficulties in life. I believe some resilience is part of our DNA, but I also believe some resilience is learned by your environment or by the people who raised you. Take for instance, if you were raised with an overly emotional mother whose first reaction to problems was to show negative emotions and you never saw how she overcame her difficulties; chances are a part of what you perceived became ingrained in you. The good news is you can learn how to become resilient. Learning to become resilient starts with your thoughts, and renewing your mind to believe what God says in His word about you. If your thoughts are negative, it is probable you are not a resilient person.

Would you consider yourself a resilient person? Why or why not? What traits did your caretakers show you that helped or hindered your resiliency?

Resilient people…

→Resilient people are able to cope with problems and setbacks. Those that lack resilience become overwhelmed when distressing situations occur, tend to focus on the problem, use unhealthy coping mechanisms to deal with life’s challenges, and are slower to recover from setbacks

→Resilient people don’t live life in denial, but they understand that setbacks occur and that life can be painful sometimes.

→Resilient people do not remain focused on the negative, and disengage rapidly from problems that appear unsolvable. A key to resilience is to know when to “cut your losses,” and move on to problems that are solvable.

→Resilient people still mourn losses and experience grief, but they can find redeeming potential in most situations. When non-resilient people face difficulties all of their emotions turn negative. If things are good, the non-resilient person is good, but if things are bad, they feel bad.

→Resilient people can find the silver lining in almost any adverse circumstance. Resilient people will find, seek, and search for the good in their challenges.

→Resilient people are grateful people and are always counting their blessings. They might say, “I am sad that this happened but I am blessed about this.”

→Resilient people are not victims and don’t wallow in self-pity.

→Resilient people are overcomers, whether it is their childhood wounds or current painful situations.

→Resilient people are hopeful. They are hopeful brighter days are ahead and they trust God will use their pain for His purposes.

→Resilient people take good care of themselves such as with exercise, eating healthy, and maintaining a healthy support system.

→Resilient people do not focus on their problems, but focus on what is right in their lives.

→Resilient people are not whiners and complainers. They don’t tell their problems repeatedly to others to gain pity.

→Resilient people are fighters, they don’t back down and they never give up! When they get temporarily knocked down, they come back up stronger.

→Resilient people move forward, they don’t keep looking back in the past in regret and they don’t project what may happen in the future.

Counselor's Corner: What Are You Focusing On?

What you focus on the most will grow.

The enemy will try to get you to focus on what is wrong, what is not working, and what is worrisome to you. When you lose your focus on what is true, what is right, what is lovely and what is a good report (Philippians 4:6), you will begin to focus on the opposite of these.

CHOOSING to focus on the good will be a daily decision. When the enemy shows you something that is causing fear, worry or frustration, turn away and CHOOSE to focus on the good.

→If your focus has been more on the negative lately check to see who you have been hanging out with, what you have been reading or watching on TV, and giving your attention to the most.

→An unthankful heart can cause you to focus on your wants, but a heart of gratitude will cause you to focus on your blessings.

Distractions come to sidetrack you and get you to focus on what the enemy has brought in front of you. Keeping your focus on Jesus means deliberately fading out everything that pulls you away from the goodness of God. Is this difficult to do? Yes, but with practice you can get so intentional about CHOOSING to turn your eyes and ears from anything that is contrary to the Kingdom of God that eventually this will become automatic to you. Focusing on seeing everything through the lens of Jesus takes discipline.

Discipline your mind to stop focusing on your needs, other’s needs, and take those concerns to the cross of Jesus Christ leaving them there. Go about your day not focusing on what your problems are but how good God is and how He has heard your prayers concerning your situation.

Make the greatest investment in your life by spending time in the presence of God instead of focusing on your problems.

The enemy will use people to come into your life to cause you to lose focus. Your focus can shift from faith to doubt when you deal with those who oppose the things of God. Don’t get so caught up with being overly concerned with people or what they think of you that you lose your focus on God’s goodness.

Reflect: Where has your focus or your attention been lately? Want joy? Want peace? Where is your focus? What is consuming your mind the most?

Counselor's Corner: Do You Like Yourself?

You are with yourself more than anyone else, so getting to like yourself is important if you want to enjoy life.

Enjoying life will be most difficult if you think negative thoughts about yourself. What you think about yourself will affect how you experience life. You may think good thoughts about other people (and that is good), but if you think destructive thoughts about yourself, it will be almost impossible to enjoy these relationships. In fact, many people who do not like themselves will have a hard time being in a relationship with others.

►Take a few moments and ask yourself honestly, what kind of relationship do you have with yourself? If possible journal or write out your answers.

 

Do you like being you?

·         Do you enjoy your company?

·         What thoughts run through your mind about yourself? What is your internal dialogue mostly like about yourself?

·         Do you beat yourself up for your mistakes and weaknesses?

·         Are you overly critical of yourself?

·         Do you laugh often and at yourself?

·          Do you take good care of yourself and treat yourself to the things you enjoy?

·         Are you concerned what others think of you?

·         Do you compare yourself to other people?

·         Are you proud of your achievements and accomplishments? Do you celebrate your victories?

·         Do you tend to think the worst not the best about yourself?

·         Are you your worst-own critic?

·         Can you name or discuss what you do like about yourself?

Let’s explore some reasons why you may think negatively towards yourself…

1.      Negative, critical, upbringing.

2.      Any type of rejection in a relationship.

3.      Low self-esteem that could be a result of abuse, rejection, betrayal, and/or repeated failures in life.

4.      Believed the lie that God is punishing you or that you are not blessed like other people that you know.

5.      Others have spoken negatively about you and you believed what they said about you.

6.      Not able to see yourself the way God sees you, instead you magnify your faults and weaknesses. Have trouble believing God really does love you.

List any others reasons you may know of.

Now let’s explore some truths to help you enjoy being in a relationship with you…

1.      No one is perfect! You might have some weaknesses, faults and even some sins that you do want but they are a part of you for now. You are not just your weaknesses and sins but you have many other positive qualities that are greater.

2.      There is goodness in you and you are capable of being loved and giving love. You may have been wounded in the past and that keeps you from fully loving yourself and others, but you can start by loving you first.

3.      Not everyone will accept or like you, and that is OKAY! You can do everything right to gain a person’s approval and they still won’t like you. Stop today trying to prove yourself and worth to others, love yourself enough to move on to others who are capable of loving you the way that you deserve.

4.      Having a good relationship with yourself starts with your thoughts about yourself. You have to retrain your thinking to begin thinking good thoughts about yourself, even if you don’t initially feel those thoughts about yourself.

→For additional tools to help you discipline your thought life so that you can begin to think differently about yourself, check out my book, “Disciplining your mind 30 days to a better you!”

5.      Learn to treat yourself good and be okay with that! Treat yourself to a new outfit, a favorite book or a much-loved meal.

6.      Lay off being your own critic. Yes, you will have challenging days and will mess-up but stop criticizing yourself for every little thing that you do wrong. Start focusing on what you do right instead. Never get into the habit of thinking the worst before the best about yourself.

7.      Do not condemn yourself for how others have treated you or what they think of you. Passing judgment comes from God alone, so if others have judged you unfairly move on and hold your head up high.

What other things can you do to improve your relationship with yourself?  I would love to know what you think.

Counselor's Corner: Bringing Your Life into Balance

Have you noticed in your life that when you get too little or too much of something, your life gets out of balance?

→There are many ways that your life can get out of balance. Check as many that apply          to you:

·         Work demands

·         Extended family obligations

·         Church functions and/or volunteer opportunities

·         Watching too much TV, texting/checking emails constantly and/or social media

·         No time for fun or relaxation

·         Giving of self to others when your “cup is empty”

·         Little quality time with spouse

·         Eating too much junk food

·         Little or no exercising

·         Time spent with God is little or infrequent

Any others that may apply to you?

Life happens and sometimes curveballs come your way and you get completely out of balance. The goal is then to not stay out of balance.

Recognize the signs of being out of balance so that you may immediately get back in balance.

Signs you are out of balance:

1.      Tiredness, excessively sleepy or fatigued.

2.      Difficult concentrating or staying focused.

3.      Short-fused, irritable and/or easily frustrated.

4.      Feel tense; back and/or neck pain.

5.      Trouble laughing or smiling.

6.      Find yourself complaining and grumbling more.

7.      Difficulty enjoying the simple things of life.

8.      Overall just do not feel well.

9.      Experience high levels of stress.

How to get your life back in balance:

·         Recognize when you are out of balance.

·         Place God first above all. Spend daily time with God.

·         Prioritize what is most important-God, spouse, family, work/ministry.

·         Take a Sabbath (rest) once a week. That’s right, once a week, relax and do nothing stressful or work related.

·         Take a day off of work, or a long weekend.

·         Start exercising regularly and eating a balanced diet.

·         Be okay with saying, “No,” when you need to, and don’t feel bad when you have to!

·         Do something that you enjoy.

·         Decrease time with energy-draining people and increase time with others who inspire, encourage and lift you up.

·         Set limits on your time-phone calls, texts, emails and social media.

You will know when you are back in balance when your heart rate, breathing and blood pressure are normal. Your sleep is restful and replenishing. You have energy, have motivation and have creativity again. You do not feel tense, stress or anxiety. You are able to laugh and enjoy the simple pleasures of life.

Counselor's Corner: How to Break Free from Demonic Cycles

A cycle is something that gets repeated over and over again, usually with the same results.

There seems to be a “force” that pulls you into the same direction that you have tried desperately to get free from. Many people give up when negative cycles continue to happen in their lives because of discouragement that things will not get better.

There are bad habits you may have that seem to come in cycles such as over-indulging in eating or forgoing exercising again. Then there are demonic cycles that when you step back and evaluate the course of your life the same things keep getting repeated in your life to hinder your progress, growth and purpose in the Kingdom of God. In other words, you keep going around the same “mountains” over and over again and you never seem cross-over into your “Promised Land.”

How do you know if what you are experiencing is a bad habit or a demonic cycle? If the cycles that you go through are centered around getting you to question the goodness of God, His faithfulness, His love for you, have a desire to walk away from your destiny, and if you feel like giving up on life. Discouragement, hopelessness, weariness and oftentimes infirmity surround these demonic cycles. Demonic cycles come only to destroy your faith, your growth and progress, and your destiny.

If you have noticed that every couple of months or so you “battle” the same type of cycles in your life? It is time to take note and realize these are strategies from the pits of hell to derail your faith and squash your assignment from God.

Demonic cycles always come to sabotage any good works that are in your life. Demonic cycles do not have to be tolerated in your life!

How to break free from demonic cycles:

1)      Know your weaknesses and who and what the enemy uses time and time again to disrupt the good that God is doing in your life. Ask yourself is it the same people or similar circumstances that come in cycles to cause you to go back and not move forward? Make a list of your cycles that you need to break free from. Begin declaring victory in Jesus over every cycle until you are completely free.

2)      Watch what you think and say about the situations and people that keep occurring in cycles in your life. Instead of saying,” My grandfather and uncle were addicts so I guess my family will always struggle.” Generational cycles of poverty, failure, addiction, sickness, and mental illness can be broken by not speaking what you have seen all your life as reality but by confessing the Word of God over your family and circumstances, and speaking the opposite of what you have known to be true.

3)      What do you say and believe about yourself consistently, such as when you make a mistake, or do you have a habit of telling yourself, “I can’t do anything right, I fail every time so I will quit trying.” When you mess up and your weaknesses show, what do you believe about yourself? Start telling yourself that failure happens to all and everyone has weakness but you will try again. Many people have cycles of failure that they are not able to recover from. Cycles of failure should be evaluated in terms of what was your part and responsibility and then what part the enemy has played to keep you believing you will not succeed.

4)      Speak to your cycles and tell them that in the name and blood of Jesus Christ they will not be able to manifest in your life ever again. For example, “In the name of Jesus Christ and by His blood I command the cycle of failure to never manifest in my life ever again.” Decree and declare that old cycles that have held you in captivity will break and that you will come out of those cycles in the name of Jesus Christ. Decree and Declare everything in your past be repaired and restored so your future can be unlocked.

5)      If you have repeated cycles of sin in your life there may be a generation stronghold/sin that you need to break. Repent for not only your sins but your family’s. Ask God to clean your heart of all unforgiveness, bitterness and anger at anyone and even God.

6)      Are you repeating the same types of issues because you have not obeyed God and are doing things your way? How long do you have to go through the same problems before you learn your lesson?

7)      What is your mind-set like? Do you believe for more bad news, more troubles or do you believe and confess God’s truths? The enemy will join you in your self-sabotage thinking and speaking and you will stay trapped in demonic cycles by what you are confessing.

In Summary…

Recognize and write down your repeated cycles.

Confess the opposite of your cycles.

Decree and declare that in the name of Jesus Christ that old cycles that have held you in captivity will break.

Decree and declare victory in Jesus Christ over all cycles in your life (name the cycle and declare victory in Jesus over each cycle until complete victory manifests).

Confess and repent your sins as well as your generational line and ask God to cleanse your heart.

CORRECTED UPDATED POST of Breaking Generational Strongholds in Your family

Have you noticed in your family the same or familiar patterns of behavior occurring over and over again with different family members? These are generational strongholds or sins that have been passed down from one generation to another.

Generational strongholds are repeated patterns of sins in a family such as with addiction, idol worship, divorce, lying, and sexual immorality.

The enemy does not want anyone in the family system to begin to recognize familiar patterns of sin. Why? Because if just one person in the family repents and begins to turn from generational inequities the power to touch future generations will be demolished. However, much resistance from the enemy will come to the one or the few in the family who turn from generational wickedness.

There will be seasons and times for the ones that have chosen to break-free from generational strongholds, that strong opposition will occur.

This opposition comes mainly for two reasons:

One, to get you to go back to your old lifestyle, or to your former ways of living godless. Second, to torment you with that the others in your family that are still under the generational strongholds will not be set-free.

Generational strongholds can only be broken by turning away from your sin, and choosing to walk in a different direction than what may have been passed down generationally to you.

You must be aware of what strongholds are in your family, repent, turn from them, and choose to follow after the Spirit not your flesh. Will doing this be difficult? Yes! Without a doubt, breaking free from generational sins will not be an easy task. Will the enemy try and seduce you back to the familiar, or what you grew-up around? Yes! Be on guard for when you are around people in your family who are still under bondage to generational sins, and make sure to go to your quiet place afterwards and allow the Holy Spirit to speak to you. Those pesky demons that are still attached to some of your family may try and speak to you, so you must get alone with the Father to be still and hear His voice.

→Reflect:

Do you know the generational strongholds in your family? Have you turned from these sins and began living a different way? Have you confessed these sins in your family?

If the enemy comes lurking to persuade you to go back into the familiar ways of what you were raised around, remind yourself that you are a new creation in Christ and your former self is no more.

The younger generation is looking to you, be an example to them how to follow Christ and overcome generational sin.

→Meditate:

So, if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed. John 8:36

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. 2 Corinthians 5:17

I, the Lord…visits the inequity of the fathers on the children to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing steadfast love to thousands of those who love me and keep my commandments (Exodus 20:5; Numbers 14:18).

Counselor's Corner: Breaking Generational Strongholds in Your Family

Have you noticed in your family the same or familiar patterns of behavior occurring over and over again with different family members? These are generational strongholds or sins that have been passed down from one generation to another.

Generational strongholds are repeated patterns of sins in a family such as with addiction, idol worship, divorce, lying, and sexual immorality.

The enemy does not want anyone in the family system to begin to recognize familiar patterns of sin. Why? Because if just one person in the family repents and begins to turn from generational inequities the power to touch future generations will be demolished. However, much resistance from the enemy will come to the one or the few in the family who turn from generational wickedness.

There will be seasons and times for the ones that have chosen to break-free from generational strongholds, that strong opposition will occur.

This opposition comes mainly for two reasons:

One, to get you to go back to your old lifestyle, or to your former ways of living godless. Second, to torment you with that the others in your family that are still under the generational strongholds will not be set-free.

Generational strongholds can only be broken by turning away from your sin, and choosing to walk in a different direction than what may have been passed down generationally to you.

You must be aware of what strongholds are in your family, repent, turn from them, and choose to follow after the Spirit not your flesh. Will doing this be difficult? Yes! Without a doubt, breaking free from generational sins will not be an easy task. Will the enemy try and seduce you back to the familiar, or what you grew-up around? Yes! Be on guard for when you are around people in your family who are still under bondage to generational sins, and make sure to go to your quiet place afterwards and allow the Holy Spirit to speak to you. Those pesky demons that are still attached to some of your family may try and speak to you, so you must get alone with the Father to be still and hear His voice.

→Reflect:

Do you know the generational strongholds in your family? Have you turned from these sins and began living a different way? Have you confessed these sins in your family?

If the enemy comes lurking to persuade you to go back into the familiar ways of what you were raised around, remind yourself that you are a new creation in Christ and your former self is no more.

The younger generation is looking to you, be an example to them how to follow Christ and overcome generational sin.

→Meditate:

So, if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed. John 8:36

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. 2 Corinthians 5:17

I, the Lord…visits the inequity of the fathers on the children to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing steadfast love to thousands of those who love me and keep my commandments (Exodus 20:5; Numbers 14:18).