Counselor's Corner: Rebuilding Trust in Broken Relationships

I have been hurt, wounded, and betrayed by some of the closest relationships in my life. I have struggled with many of these relationships with trusting them again after repeated hurtful actions done by them. Before if someone that hurt me just said, “I’m sorry,” but really showed no signs of repentance and turning away from their behaviors that were hurtful I would just jump back into the relationship as if nothing ever happened. Pretending, covering-up, or just “moving on” in a relationship where there has been hurt eventually will resurface.

Forgiveness, is necessary for the process of reconciliation, but is not sufficient enough for being able to move forward in a relationship. Whether a relationship can be repaired depends primarily on whether trust can be restored. Trust is the glue in relationships, it allows you to feel vulnerable enough so you can connect. If there is no trust, there is no connection, and there is no real relationship.

Rebuilding broken trust takes time, hard work, and commitment from both parties to heal.

It is not wise to let someone back into your heart that has hurt you without first seeing real change. If a person is trying to restore broken trust you should notice a change in direction from their previous actions that were damaging to you.

A person who truly wants to rebuild trust with you will give you all the time you need to trust them again, and will not try and pressure you in anyway to immediately be close again, they will understand their actions have caused a distance in your relationship.

Actions speak louder than words. Often, people give “lip service” or make promises they never intend on keeping, so that you will brush whatever happened off and move on without allowing the person to face the consequences. When people don’t have to face any consequences for their hurtful behavior, they will very likely repeat the same offense against you again.

You want to look for consistent behavioral changes, consistent meaning over time doing the same thing. You’re not looking for perfection but progress and tangible growth. If the person who broke your trust continues in similar or like behaviors it is a great indicator they have not truly changed, you would be wise at this point to continue to guard your heart.

Dealing with those that have repeatedly broken your trust can be more challenging. Overlooking an offense one time is easier than repeated offenses. If someone in your life has repeatedly broken your trust, it would be wise to observe their behavior (actions) for a year. During this time, you should be looking for observable behavioral changes, as well as the person taking steps to rebuild your trust. You can still have contact with them unless if somehow it would cause you damage. Only you know your limits and what you can handle.

Sometimes continuing to be close to someone who has hurt you without giving the time for healing can cause damage to you by not allowing you to work through any anger, resentment or unforgiveness. Space and time can be great healers. You may need to limit your time with the person you are desiring to rebuild trust with if at any point you are going backwards in your healing.

“By their fruits you will know them.” Matthew 7:20

Your fruits are your actions. If you want to know if you can trust someone who has repeatedly broken your trust, look at their “fruit.” Allowing someone back into your life where there has been broken trust takes time, sometimes space, and hard work. If you are married and there has been broken trust, space can be helpful if not imperative when there has been infidelity or abuse, as well as marital and/or individual counseling by professionals, your pastors or other godly couples who will keep the offender accountable.