Counselor's Corner: When Dysfunction Tries to Hold You Back

I have been trying to get set free from certain dysfunctions that I have learned from my family of origin. Dysfunctions of being enmeshed, controlled, manipulated, guilted into doing what others want, codependent behaviors, and addictions. Trying to break away from dysfunction when everyone closet to me is still dysfunctional is one of the toughest challenges I have faced.

I have felt an array of emotions as I am getting healthier and keeping a distance from the dysfunction-fear of the unknown, emptiness at times, sadness, anger, loneliness, yet I feel peaceful despite these emotions.

I have found myself questioning myself over and over again, thoughts run through my head continually like, “How can I move on and get myself healthy when my loved ones need help” or “Am I being selfish that I don’t want to hang out like we used to because I feel drained afterwards.” When I have thoughts like these, I must determine my motive, and that is to break away from the dysfunction and to live healthy-mentally, spiritually and physically. My motive is not to hurt anyone but to finally take ownership of my life, and say, “I’ve been sad, depressed, angry, stressed because I allowed dysfunction in my life and accepted it as normal.

The dysfunction is normal to me, it takes everything in me to not get swayed back into the dysfunction. I still want to be loved, to be accepted, and valued. Dysfunction does not allow for autonomy and individuation, it is like “we all stick together no matter what.” Dysfunction does not let you break away without a fight.

I was comfortable with the dysfunction, until I started to get healthier. Now, I really don’t any part of it because of the negative impact it has had om my life for so many years.

Moving forward without the dysfunction is scary to me at times, “What if my loved one’s continue in their dysfunction, will I have to continue to distance myself to keep me healthy?” But then I realize I will never get healthy or have the potential for healthy relationships if I stay connected to the dysfunction.

Dysfunction has a way of pulling you back even when you want to go forward. Being in a dysfunctional family can make you feel trapped, you want out but see no way out-their so helpless, needy, dependent, or controlling.

I have to realize being free from dysfunction at first will feel awkward and very uncomfortable. I might even feel lonely at times, or feel there is a void in my life where I used to have for the chaos, confusion and stress. I may battle at times with feeling like I have abandoned or given-up on my loved ones. But I haven’t given up, I just can’t save myself and them at the same time. I have to let go of the dysfunction so I can finally be free to have the life I believe God wants me to have.

Your loved ones that choose to stay in their dysfunction will not like or understand your need to get healthy away from them. Their control, manipulation, and guilt will likely increase as you set boundaries to maintain a healthy distance from their dysfunction.

Limit your exposure to the dysfunction. There are times that you might have to be around the dysfunction, but don’t make it a weekly habit. Even when you have limited exposure if you leave their presence and feel like you have been set-back in your recovery, you may need more space and distance. Understand that being physically detached from them can create a sense of abandonment and drive you to call/visit to explain yourself or keep the peace.

You are not being selfish for wanting to get healthy. Fact, you will not get healthy if you are around dysfunction frequently.

Healing from a lifetime of dysfunction takes time. Do not anyone rush or pressure you to get back involved. You will know immediately when you are around the dysfunction if you should continue to be around it.

Verbalize to your dysfunctional loved ones you are taking the time to get healed and to get help either through a support group, counseling or your church. Encourage them to get the help and healing as well. Let your loved ones know you will not be a part of the dysfunction any longer, if they deny there are any problems-maintain your distance. True healing cannot occur unless all involved get honest about the problems and then take the steps to get healed. The hope would be to all involved to get healed from the dysfunction.

Stand firm on your desire to get healthy and to be separate from the dysfunction. Your loved ones will use every “trick” to lure you back into the dysfunction. Dysfunction breeds dysfunction, but someone must break the cycle. We don’t fight against flesh and blood but forces unseen, you very likely are contending with old familiar spirits that have been in your family for generations. The enemy will use those loved ones of yours to lure, entice, and try to trap back into the dysfunction. The enemy does not want anyone free from bondages, and very likely you will have to apply and use spiritual warfare as you are breaking free.

To determine if you are ready at some point to reengage with your loved ones ask yourself: Do you feel anxious or fearful about being around them or do you have a sense of peace? Do you still feel anger towards them and are there still unresolved issues? Do you worry about how you will feel after being with them? Before reengaging with your loved ones, you may want to write them or speak to them about their hurtful behaviors and that you will not tolerate it again. If you feel there is little chance of change after meeting with your loved ones but don’t want to lose the connection with them completely then you dictate the location and times where you will connect. Meeting in public places could help to control some dysfunctional behaviors.

As you are healing and letting the dysfunction go, let the good in. Find supportive people that you can build a healthy relationship with. Pray that your loved ones will get the same healing and help that you have, and begin to enjoy your life.