Counselor's Corner: Dealing with Passive-Aggressive Family

Healthy communication is a vital part of family cohesiveness, however poor communication can be a result of someone with a passive-aggressive personality. While you can be compassionate and understanding, it is important not to give into the sly manipulations of the passive-aggressive person. The passive-aggressive person does not deal with anger, resentment or other negative emotions in a straightforward way. Passive-aggressive people avoid direct conflict and honest confrontation and instead engage in gossiping to deal with resentment in relationships.

Passive-aggressive people can make you feel like you’re the problem or like you’re crazy.

Keys to identifying passive-aggressive behavior:

1)      The silent treatment or limited communication is used when you don’t do what someone wants you to do. This is a form of manipulation and a way to control you.

2)      Subtle behaviors including pouting, appearing upset, and being distant and aloof.

3)      Being stubborn. People behavior in stubborn ways as a way to punish you.

4)      Sweeping problems “under the rug” by refusing to communicate about problems.

5)      Hidden anger and bitterness. Behind their fake smile is a lot of resentment. They will not admit it, even when asked straight up. Their typical response is, “I’m fine.”

6)      Blame others for their actions and feelings as a way to avoid personal accountability.

7)      Send mixed messages and rarely do you get a straight forward response.

8)      Play innocent or dumb when something they did is called to their attention. This tactic is used to make you question your judgement.

9)      Use guilt-tripping and shaming buy suggesting you don’t care enough.

Trying to confront and get things out in the open tends to be the healthiest thing to do, but not likely to happen with a passive-aggressive. Passive-aggressive people can twist your words, so if you choose to confront directly be clear and upfront about issues.  Don’t waste energy trying to make them feel okay with you.

How to deal with passive-aggressive family:

1)      Set limits and maintain boundaries. Passive-aggression can be very damaging to your emotional and mental health. There is a power struggle of control with the passive-aggressive person, you must be firm, strong and guard your heart. Setting consequences if boundaries that you set are broken.

2)      Practice assertive communication, this means being assertive, nonreactive and respectful. Let them know what you will tolerate and not tolerate in a respectful way.

3)      Consider distance from the passive-aggressive family member if they consistently act passive-aggressive to you, especially after trying direct, assertive communication with them.

4)      Don’t share personal information with them. They may ask questions that seem innocent or just being concerned, but don’t share your weaknesses and struggles because they will use those against you.

5)      You cannot win or please them, simply agree to disagree and maintain your peace.

Being in a relationship with someone who is consistently passive-aggressive is not healthy because the relationship lacks honesty. People with passive-aggressive behavior express their negative feelings subtly through their actions instead of handling them directly, so you never truly know where you stand with a passive-aggressive person. We all can tend to have passive-aggressive behaviors, but when those behaviors are chronic is when you need to reevaluate your relationships with others.

Counselor's Corner: Refocusing Your Attention

What has caught your attention lately? Have you been more concerned with the cares of this world, other people’s problems, or on difficult circumstances? Maybe you have been in a long spiritual battle and it has kept most of your time and attention. Whatever the reasons, you have lost your focus on Jesus. When we do this we can endure restlessness, anxiety, fear, stress, and feeling overwhelmed.

Just like with a camera lens, sometimes we need to adjust the camera lens so we can see the picture clearer. In our lives, sometimes we need to step back and find out why we are not focused on the things of God.

They enemy will use anything or anybody to derail and distract you from your purpose and walk with Christ. If you are focusing on the problems around you more than the promises of God, you will lose your focus. You may sense a lack of joy and peace in your life as a result of keeping your eyes fixated on the things that you cannot fix. Perhaps, you may have tried to fix other people’s dilemmas, which led you to focus on their cares and concerns. The focus has been on everything but Christ. Keeping your focus on everything but Jesus is a subtle scheme of the enemy to turn you away from your only source of peace and hope, Jesus Christ. If you have been too busy for Christ, than you have been too busy.

Start today by evaluating what your focus has been on lately, and begin to lay aside every weight that has encroached upon you. Spend daily time with the Lord, and get into His presence where He can bring you back to His promises. Ask the Lord to give you His perspective on each thing that has caused you to lose focus on Christ. Maybe God wants you to cut back something, or even back off from relationships that are harmful to you. You may need to pull back for a while from relationships that have drained your energy and depleted you spiritually. These types of relationships have the potential to keep your focus in the wrong direction. If you have been helping others and have got lost in their problems, and you are sensing your helping is not helping but keeping you from the things of God; step back and get back into alignment with Christ.

How do you know you need to refocus with Christ?

1.      You are feeling anxious and uptight. You have lost your peace and joy.

2.      You are focused more on the problems than God’s promises.

3.      Your time with God is little or non-existent.

4.      You feel worried and fearful.

5.      You are irritable and perhaps even angry.

6.      You become cynical.

7.      Are worn-out physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

8.      You are putting your trust in everything but Christ.

9.      You are disappointed, discouraged, and maybe depressed.

10.  You are overwhelmed and stressed.

11.  You are not sleeping restfully.

Colossians 3:2 ESV

Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth.

Psalm 1:1-6 ESV

Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked, nor stands in the way of sinners, nor sits in the seat of scoffers; but his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water that yields its fruit in its season, and its leaf does not wither. In all that he does, he prospers. The wicked are not so, but are like chaff that the wind drives away. Therefore the wicked will not stand in the judgment, nor sinners in the congregation of the righteous;

Matthew 6:33 ESV

But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

Romans 8:5 ESV

For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit.

Philippians 4:8 ESV

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.