False
guilt tells you that you have done something wrong when you have not.
People who are
codependent suffer from false guilt more than others do.
Codependents have internalized
shame, which fosters a guilty conscience when they are not able to fulfill
others needs. Codependents are especially hard on themselves and tend to feel
guilty when they are not able to meet everyone’s demands. Codependents are
easily manipulated and receive the blame from other people for not complying
with their wishes. Codependents are usually the ones who say that they are
sorry and try to make peace in order to avoid other’s being upset or disappointed
with them.
Codependents feel
guilty for not doing enough or giving enough. Codependents usually are connected
to relationships that are unhealthy and that foster enabling type of behaviors.
Codependents rarely feel free to say, “No,” and when they do they are loaded
down with guilt. Codependents often hear internal statements such as, “you
should be, you ought to, you need to, and/or you could have.”
Many codependents will go to great lengths to
please others, often at the expense of their health, energy and finances.
Codependents feel
responsible for others, including fixing and solving other people’s problems.
Allowing other people to suffer consequences of their poor choices is most difficult
for the codependent, as they will often come to the rescue of the one who needs
recuing. Unfortunately, the one who needs recuing knows that the rescuer is
kind-hearted and compassionate and will take advantage of this. Codependents
often feel guilty for others actions and behaviors.
Codependents deny their
needs and will place others needs and wants first. If you are a Christian, the
sense of false guilt can be more extreme since there is a belief that
Christians should give and give until
there is nothing left to give. As a Christian, giving to others should be sacrificial
and more importantly Holy Spirit led. God does not expect you to meet every
want or need that comes in your path, sometimes God needs to work in that
person’s life without your intervention. The enemy will send people in your
path to distract you, derail you, and exhaust you. As a Christian, it is
imperative that you are in tune with the Holy Spirit as to who to help and how
to help. Especially for those who keep coming to you to have their “leaky cups”
filled. A leaky cup has to be filled up often, and if you continue to pour into
others leaky cups, you can become exhausted.
Codependents feel
anxiety and guilt when other people have problems. Codependents will feel
compelled to help solve other’s problems, including offering unwanted advice
and suggestions. Codependents anticipate others needs and figure out ways to
help with those needs. Codependents will abandon their routine to respond to or
do something for someone else, and when they don’t, they feel guilty.
When something goes
wrong, the codependent will blame themselves, which leads to guilt.
Codependents feel guilty if they take care of themselves or spend money on
themselves, because they should be helping others with their money and time.
Guilt should not preoccupy your thoughts. If you are playing over and over in your head
why you had to set a boundary or could not fulfill a need, this can lead to
depression, shame and self-punishment. Self-punishment
can come in the form of not enjoying your life or allowing yourself to laugh.
Self-punishment that stems from guilt says, “why should you be having fun and
laughing when you should be (fill in the blank).
Guilt saps energy and the joy out of life.
Codependents who
continue to rescue, problem-solve, help others relentlessly, and feel guilt for
saying no or setting boundaries; not only will experience false guilt but
lethargy, depression, hopelessness, anxiety, worry, escapism, sickness and
mental/emotional problems. Some codependents get so physically and mentally
drained that they have thoughts of suicide.
Freedom from codependency is possible, and
important for your overall mental, emotional and spiritual well-being. If you are feeling emotionally, mentally
and/or physically exhausted from repeatedly recusing, problem-solving and
feeling guilty for not doing for others, then you must get serious about your
freedom from codependency.
Freedom from
false guilt starts with asking yourself the following questions:
·
Do you have
a sense of peace about helping or do you feel pressure or a lack of peace?
·
Do you have
strength? Spiritual, physical and/or mental?
·
Do you have
an inner knowing deep inside from Holy Spirit that you should be doing this or
that?
·
Do you have
to figure out what you should do, or is the solution to the problem illuminated
and you just know what to do?
·
Have you
asked God if you should help? What did He tell you to do? Listen carefully
because God does speak to His children.
·
Do you feel
responsible for offering the solution to someone’s problem? If someone does not
directly ask you for advice or help-don’t give it. Don’t try and figure out
ways to help but be still and wait for God to show you. It is very likely if
you have repeatedly intervened and helped someone, God will likely have you to
pray but not physically or finically intervene.
·
Are you able
to place boundaries in relationships without feeling like you’re doing
something wrong?
·
Are you
able to say to others request and not feel guilty for doing so?
·
Do you tend
to condemn yourself if you are not pleasing others?
If you do not have the
promoting of the Holy Spirit to intervene then move on and enjoy your life
without punishing yourself. It is okay
to set boundaries, to say no, and to
have limits. Know your limits.
Know when your helping is no longer helping but instead just placing a bandage
over that you would have to replace over and over again. God is capable of
helping the ones we love. God works in peace, flow, order, grace and strength,
and the enemy works in disorder, chaos, drama, turmoil, pressure and guilt. Guilt never comes from God. God
convicts us of sin but does not load us down with heaps of guilt. If you feel
guilt for not helping, doing for others or setting boundaries, check the
source!
