Are You Led By Guilt, People-Pleasing or By God?

Do you say, “Yes,” to people when you don’t feel that you have the time or the peace about doing whatever they asked of you? Are you lead by guilt, people-pleasing or by God?

Without being led by the Holy Spirit, we can do things we are not supposed to.

The enemy loves when we stay distracted and busy doing and going. I believe busyness is straight from the enemy. If you are a people-pleaser or need people approval it is very likely you will please man rather than being led by what the Holy Spirit wants. It feels better to our flesh to go along with what everyone else is doing.

Just because something seems right to do, does not mean that it is!

We can wear ourselves out by agreeing to do everything that comes into our path. There are certain things we are not to be involved with even if it seems good and right. The Holy Spirit knows what is best for us, and what we can handle.

Reflect: Do you tend to make decisions or agree to do something because everyone else is going along but you already have a full plate or don’t have peace? Or do you just do what your flesh wants, not stopping to ask the Holy Spirit if He wants you to be involved?

The flesh is always deceiving-it wants what it wants! Moving in the flow of the Holy Spirit makes you come alive and energizes you, operating in the flesh usually drains you of energy and spiritual strength.

How do you know the Holy Spirit is leading you?

1.      Do you make rash or impulsive decisions? Learn to say, “I need to pray about that,” before agreeing to something.

2.      Wait on the Holy Spirit to lead and guide you before forging ahead with your agenda. Yes, there are times we have to make quick decisions, but if you have developed an intimate relationship with God and are acquainted with His ways through reading the Word and prayer, even when you have to make a quick decision it will be more likely you will make one that is Holy Spirit led. Training yourself to be still before God to hear His voice will equip you better when you need to make a quick decision, you will already know how the Holy Spirit speaks.

3.      The Holy Spirit never, ever works in confusion. There is an unexplainable peace when the Holy Spirit is prompting you. If you are not being led by the Spirit, you will experience confusion, chaos, lack of direction, and stress.

4.      When the Holy Spirit leads-He leads! You don’t have to figure out what or how to do something because the Holy Spirit places the answer deep into your spirit. The Holy Spirit does not always give concrete answers, sometimes we just know the “direction” we should take. Sometimes God just wants us to step out in faith before He gives us more detail, but even then, there is peace. You can do something afraid and still have peace!

5.      There is an inner-knowing deep in your spirit, you just know you are supposed to do something.

6.      The Holy Spirit never, ever operates in guilt! If you hear,” You should be, you ought to be or you need to be doing something,” these are laced in guilt from the enemy.

7.      Usually when the Holy Spirit is directing you to do something you will have confirmation with other believes-particularly your spouse if you’re married.

Counselor's Corner: How to Deal With Toxic Family

Families are supposed to be a place of support, love, and acceptance. Sometimes, however, family relationships can be the place where we experience the deepest hurt.

As a Christian, you want to do the right thing and respond Biblically to your toxic family but it seems no matter have much you give or turn the other check, the situation does not change.

Sometimes we can spend years sacrificing our mental and spiritual health in harmful relationships under the notion that we have to because they are family.

It is common for people with toxic behavior to create drama or be surrounded by it; try and manipulate others or control others; be needy; and use others to meet their needs.

Traits of a toxic person:

1.      Are abusive mentally, physically, sexually, or emotionally. When a relationship is based on manipulation, overt or covert; abuse is happening!

2.      The only contact you have with them is negative, or you get anxious of the thought of an encounter with them.

3.      The relationship creates so much stress that it affects your work, home, and personal life.

4.      The relationship is one-sided, usually it is all about them and their needs.  

5.      When you do not give into their demands, silent treatment can happen and blaming.

6.      You feel worse after talking with them or being around them. They bring your energy level down.

7.      Create drama and chaos, and you get emotionally pulled-in to the whirlwind of emotions.

8.      You find yourself in a cycle of trying to fix, enable, and rescue them, and you end up frustrated because none has worked.

9.      Do not take responsibility for their actions, and blame others. Very needy and what you do give them is never enough. They expect you to bail them out of their troubles.

10.  If you do say, “No,” to their needs they will indirectly or directly make you feel guilty.

11.  After being in their company for just a short while you end-up feeling bad about yourself because you are not helping them in some way.

12.  You feel angry around them and even sometimes when you just think about them. You get angry at their constant blame game and victim mentality.

13.  You do not enjoy being around them and you feel tense if you see they have called or sent you a text.

14.  They are selfish and think only of their needs. They don’t anticipate the feelings or needs of another.

15.  Always the victim and their problems are always someone else’s fault.

16.  Create strife and division.

17.  Unforgiving and angry, sometimes even hostile.

18.  There is turmoil and confusion around them.

19.  Use others for their needs and benefits, regardless of the impact on others.

20.  Lie easily and it is difficult to know when they are telling the truth.

21.  Financially irresponsible, and expect you to bail them out of their poor choices.

If you have been involved with a toxic family member for years, letting go of them is not as easy as letting go of a friend or boyfriend/girlfriend. But letting go is what may need to happen so you can gain your sanity back, and allow God to intervene. Try first to set healthy boundaries with your family, and if they break the boundary you implemented; set a consequence. If the boundaries you set for them are repeatedly being broken, or you are not seeing any real change; it may be time to step aside. Letting go may be for a season and not permanent.

If a family member is in a constant state of need, then they are toxic to your health. Taking care of them, fixing their problems, and treating them like a child, are all signs that they are contributing to your health in a negative way.

Know your limitations and realize we are not superhuman. Realize that a toxic person can drain your energy, health, wellbeing, and sanity. Detaching is not only healthy but may be exactly what you need to restore you. Because of our Christian teaching on humility, kindness, and self-sacrifice, we sometimes get the impression that to set boundaries and consequences is wrong. We believe that we must endure and take whatever someone dishes out on us. When we give someone permission to repeatedly sin against us without consequences, we enable them to sin. Sometimes the best thing we can do with someone who openly continues to sin is to part company with them. This process can help us to forgive them and pray for them regularly. A lot of the times if we stay engaged in a relationship that is toxic we can end up bitter, angry, and resentful. We are to keep peace, and one of the best ways to keep peace may be to detach in love.

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Ephesians 6:12

What suggestions do you have to deal with a toxic family member?

Counselor's Corner: When You Feel Pressure

→Pressure means to squeeze out or to apply a weight on something.

There is good pressure and there is bad pressure. Good pressure causes you to move, change, or to grow for the better, such as the pressure you feel when you are in college. Bad pressure usually comes straight from the kingdom of darkness, and causes you to feel like you are going to snap, such as when you are dealing with the burdens of others because they don’t carry their own weight.

→Pressure that comes from the enemy will wear you down until you break or give into sin.

Signs that the pressure you are experiencing is from the enemy:

1)      You are not sleeping well, and perhaps having nightmares.

2)      You do not feel at peace, maybe restless even.

3)      Headaches that are unusual and/or fatigue, or feeling unwell.

4)      You have “brain fog” and cannot concentrate or stay focused.

5)      Feeling “off” but can’t put your finger on why.

·         If most of the above symptoms occur with added outside annoyances, distractions, and concerning situations that arise then you can rest assured you are experiencing pressure from the enemy to lose your peace, your joy, and eventually snap.

→Reflect:

If you have had one of those days or weeks where you have endured most the above signs and you do lose your cool, don’t condemn yourself but step back and be still with God. Don’t beat yourself up, be aware of the pressure that has tried to get you to break. Forgive yourself and if you did sin ask God to forgive you and He will.

When you feel the kind of pressure that causes you to be on edge, stressed, not able to focus, irritable, annoyed, and frustrated go to the Lord immediately and ask for His protection and deliverance from the pressure tactics the enemy is using to wear you down. The enemy can also use people to cause you to feel pressure as the enemy hopes you will wear down and give into what the enemy wants. This kind of pressure never comes from God.

When God leads you to something He will do so gently, you will have peace, and you will not be annoyed or irritated.

→Meditate:

Out of my distress I called on the Lord; the Lord answered me and set me free. The Lord is on my side; I will not fear. What can man do to me? Psalm 118:5-6, ESV