Families
are supposed to be a place of support, love, and acceptance. Sometimes,
however, family relationships can be the place where we experience the deepest
hurt.
As a Christian, you want to do the right thing and
respond Biblically to your toxic family but it seems no matter have much you
give or turn the other check, the situation does not change.
Sometimes
we can spend years sacrificing our mental and spiritual health in harmful
relationships under the notion that we have to because they are family.
It is common for people with toxic behavior to create
drama or be surrounded by it; try and manipulate others or control others; be
needy; and use others to meet their needs.
Traits
of a toxic person:
1. Are
abusive mentally, physically, sexually, or emotionally. When a relationship is
based on manipulation, overt or covert; abuse is happening!
2. The
only contact you have with them is negative, or you get anxious of the thought
of an encounter with them.
3. The
relationship creates so much stress that it affects your work, home, and
personal life.
4. The
relationship is one-sided, usually it is all about them and their needs.
5. When
you do not give into their demands, silent treatment can happen and blaming.
6. You
feel worse after talking with them or being around them. They bring your energy
level down.
7. Create
drama and chaos, and you get emotionally pulled-in to the whirlwind of
emotions.
8. You
find yourself in a cycle of trying to fix, enable, and rescue them, and you end
up frustrated because none has worked.
9. Do
not take responsibility for their actions, and blame others. Very needy and
what you do give them is never enough. They expect you to bail them out of
their troubles.
10. If
you do say, “No,” to their needs they will indirectly or directly make you feel
guilty.
11. After
being in their company for just a short while you end-up feeling bad about
yourself because you are not helping them in some way.
12. You
feel angry around them and even sometimes when you just think about them. You
get angry at their constant blame game and victim mentality.
13. You
do not enjoy being around them and you feel tense if you see they have called
or sent you a text.
14. They
are selfish and think only of their needs. They don’t anticipate the feelings
or needs of another.
15. Always
the victim and their problems are always someone else’s fault.
16. Create
strife and division.
17. Unforgiving
and angry, sometimes even hostile.
18. There
is turmoil and confusion around them.
19. Use
others for their needs and benefits, regardless of the impact on others.
20. Lie
easily and it is difficult to know when they are telling the truth.
21. Financially
irresponsible, and expect you to bail them out of their poor choices.
If you have been involved
with a toxic family member for years, letting go of them is not as easy as
letting go of a friend or boyfriend/girlfriend. But letting go is what may need
to happen so you can gain your sanity back, and allow God to intervene. Try
first to set healthy boundaries with your family, and if they break the
boundary you implemented; set a consequence. If the boundaries you set for them
are repeatedly being broken, or you are not seeing any real change; it may be
time to step aside. Letting go may be for a season and not permanent.
If a family member is in
a constant state of need, then they are toxic to your health. Taking care of
them, fixing their problems, and treating them like a child, are all signs that
they are contributing to your health in a negative way.
Know your limitations and
realize we are not superhuman. Realize
that a toxic person can drain your energy, health, wellbeing, and sanity. Detaching
is not only healthy but may be exactly what you need to restore you. Because of
our Christian teaching on humility, kindness, and self-sacrifice, we sometimes
get the impression that to set boundaries and consequences is wrong. We believe
that we must endure and take whatever someone dishes out on us. When we give
someone permission to repeatedly sin against us without consequences, we enable
them to sin. Sometimes the best thing we can do with someone who openly
continues to sin is to part company with them. This process can help us to
forgive them and pray for them regularly. A
lot of the times if we stay engaged in a relationship that is toxic we can end
up bitter, angry, and resentful. We are to keep peace, and one of the best ways
to keep peace may be to detach in love.
For
our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against
the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the
spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Ephesians 6:12
What suggestions do you
have to deal with a toxic family member?
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