False guilt tells you that you have done
something wrong when you have not.
Codependents have internalized shame, which fosters a guilty conscience
when they are not able to fulfill others needs. Codependents are especially hard
on themselves and tend to feel guilty when they are not able to meet everyone’s
demands. Codependents are easily manipulated and receive the blame from other
people for not complying with their wishes. Codependents are usually the ones
who say that they are sorry and try to make peace in order to avoid other’s
being upset or disappointed with them.
Codependents feel guilty for not doing enough or giving enough.
Codependents usually are connected to relationships that are unhealthy and that
foster enabling type of behaviors. Codependents rarely feel free to say, “No,”
and when they do they are loaded down with guilt. Codependents often hear internal
statements such as, “you should be, you ought to, you need to, and/or you could
have.”
Many codependents
will go to great lengths to please others, often at the expense of their health,
energy and finances.
Codependents feel responsible for others, including fixing and
solving other people’s problems. Allowing other people to suffer consequences
of their poor choices is most difficult for the codependent, as they will often
come to the rescue of the one who needs recuing. Unfortunately, the one who
needs recuing knows that the rescuer is kind-hearted and compassionate and will
take advantage of this. Codependents often feel guilty for others actions and
behaviors.
Codependents deny their needs and will place others needs and wants
first. If you are a Christian, the sense of false guilt can be more extreme
since there is a belief that Christians should give and give until there is
nothing left to give. As a Christian, giving to others should be sacrificial and
more importantly Holy Spirit led. God does not expect you to meet every want or
need that comes in your path, sometimes God needs to work in that person’s life
without your intervention. The enemy will send people in your path to distract
you, derail you, and exhaust you. As a Christian, it is imperative that you are
in tune with the Holy Spirit as to who to help and how to help. Especially for
those who keep coming to you to have their “leaky cups” filled. A leaky cup has
to be filled up often, and if you continue to pour into others leaky cups, you
can become exhausted.
Codependents feel anxiety and guilt when other people have
problems. Codependents will feel compelled to help solve other’s problems,
including offering unwanted advice and suggestions. Codependents anticipate
others needs and figure out ways to help with those needs. Codependents will
abandon their routine to respond to or do something for someone else, and when
they don’t, they feel guilty.
When something goes wrong, the codependent will blame themselves, which
leads to guilt. Codependents feel guilty if they take care of themselves or
spend money on themselves, because they should be helping others with their
money and time.
Guilt should not preoccupy your thoughts. If you are playing over
and over in your head why you had to set a boundary or could not fulfill a need,
this can lead to depression, shame and self-punishment. Self-punishment can
come in the form of not enjoying your life or allowing yourself to laugh.
Self-punishment that stems from guilt says, “why should you be having fun and
laughing when you should be (fill in the blank).
Guilt
saps energy and the joy out of life.
Codependents who continue to rescue, problem-solve and help others
relentlessly not only will experience false guilt but lethargy, depression, hopelessness,
anxiety, worry, escapism, sickness and mental/emotional problems. Some codependents
get so physically and mentally drained that they have thoughts of suicide.
Freedom from codependency is possible, and important for your
overall mental, emotional and spiritual well-being. If you are feeling
emotionally, mentally and/or physically exhausted from repeatedly recusing,
problem-solving and feeling guilty for not doing for others, then you must get
serious about your freedom from codependency.
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How can
you get rid of the false guilt that often accompanies codependents that refuse
to step-in and intervene for the “fifth-hundredth” time? Use these questions to
gauge if you should intervene in a situation:
·
Do you have a sense of peace about helping or
do you feel pressure or a lack of peace?
·
Do you have strength? Spiritual, physical and/or
mental?
·
Do you have an inner knowing deep inside from
Holy Spirit that you should be doing this or that?
·
Do you have to figure out what you should do,
or is the solution to the problem illuminated and you just know what to do?
·
Have you asked God if you should help? What did
He tell you to do? Listen carefully because God does speak to His children.
·
Do you feel responsible for offering the solution
to someone’s problem? If someone does not directly ask you for advice or
help-don’t give it. Don’t try and figure out ways to help but be still and wait
for God to show you. It is very likely if you have repeatedly intervened and
helped someone, God will likely have you to pray but not physically or finically
intervene.
Get rid of all the what-if scenario’s that run in your mind if you don’t
step in and help. 85% of what we worry about never happens and 15% of what does
happen we can handle better than we thought. If you are dealing with adults,
you must let them be adults and that includes making choices and having consequences
for those choices. Tough, yes, but if you are “drowning” you will not be able
to save someone else from drowning.
If you do not have the promoting of the Holy Spirit to intervene
then move on and enjoy your life without punishing yourself. It is okay to set
boundaries, to say no, and to have limits. Know your limits. Know when your
helping is no longer helping but instead just placing a bandage over that you would
have to replace over and over again. God is capable of helping the ones we love.
God works in peace, flow, order, grace and strength, and the enemy works in
disorder, chaos, drama, turmoil, pressure and guilt. Guilt never comes from God.
God convicts us of sin but does not load us down with heaps of guilt. If you
feel guilt for not helping or doing for others, check the source!
