Freedom From False Guilt that Occurs with Codependency

 False guilt tells you that you have done something wrong when you have not.

Codependents have internalized shame, which fosters a guilty conscience when they are not able to fulfill others needs. Codependents are especially hard on themselves and tend to feel guilty when they are not able to meet everyone’s demands. Codependents are easily manipulated and receive the blame from other people for not complying with their wishes. Codependents are usually the ones who say that they are sorry and try to make peace in order to avoid other’s being upset or disappointed with them.

Codependents feel guilty for not doing enough or giving enough. Codependents usually are connected to relationships that are unhealthy and that foster enabling type of behaviors. Codependents rarely feel free to say, “No,” and when they do they are loaded down with guilt. Codependents often hear internal statements such as, “you should be, you ought to, you need to, and/or you could have.”

Many codependents will go to great lengths to please others, often at the expense of their health, energy and finances.

 

Codependents feel responsible for others, including fixing and solving other people’s problems. Allowing other people to suffer consequences of their poor choices is most difficult for the codependent, as they will often come to the rescue of the one who needs recuing. Unfortunately, the one who needs recuing knows that the rescuer is kind-hearted and compassionate and will take advantage of this. Codependents often feel guilty for others actions and behaviors.

Codependents deny their needs and will place others needs and wants first. If you are a Christian, the sense of false guilt can be more extreme since there is a belief that Christians should give and give until there is nothing left to give. As a Christian, giving to others should be sacrificial and more importantly Holy Spirit led. God does not expect you to meet every want or need that comes in your path, sometimes God needs to work in that person’s life without your intervention. The enemy will send people in your path to distract you, derail you, and exhaust you. As a Christian, it is imperative that you are in tune with the Holy Spirit as to who to help and how to help. Especially for those who keep coming to you to have their “leaky cups” filled. A leaky cup has to be filled up often, and if you continue to pour into others leaky cups, you can become exhausted.

Codependents feel anxiety and guilt when other people have problems. Codependents will feel compelled to help solve other’s problems, including offering unwanted advice and suggestions. Codependents anticipate others needs and figure out ways to help with those needs. Codependents will abandon their routine to respond to or do something for someone else, and when they don’t, they feel guilty.

When something goes wrong, the codependent will blame themselves, which leads to guilt. Codependents feel guilty if they take care of themselves or spend money on themselves, because they should be helping others with their money and time.

Guilt should not preoccupy your thoughts. If you are playing over and over in your head why you had to set a boundary or could not fulfill a need, this can lead to depression, shame and self-punishment. Self-punishment can come in the form of not enjoying your life or allowing yourself to laugh. Self-punishment that stems from guilt says, “why should you be having fun and laughing when you should be (fill in the blank).

Guilt saps energy and the joy out of life.

Codependents who continue to rescue, problem-solve and help others relentlessly not only will experience false guilt but lethargy, depression, hopelessness, anxiety, worry, escapism, sickness and mental/emotional problems. Some codependents get so physically and mentally drained that they have thoughts of suicide.

Freedom from codependency is possible, and important for your overall mental, emotional and spiritual well-being. If you are feeling emotionally, mentally and/or physically exhausted from repeatedly recusing, problem-solving and feeling guilty for not doing for others, then you must get serious about your freedom from codependency.

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How can you get rid of the false guilt that often accompanies codependents that refuse to step-in and intervene for the “fifth-hundredth” time? Use these questions to gauge if you should intervene in a situation:

·         Do you have a sense of peace about helping or do you feel pressure or a lack of peace?

·         Do you have strength? Spiritual, physical and/or mental?

·         Do you have an inner knowing deep inside from Holy Spirit that you should be doing this or that?

·         Do you have to figure out what you should do, or is the solution to the problem illuminated and you just know what to do?

·         Have you asked God if you should help? What did He tell you to do? Listen carefully because God does speak to His children.

·         Do you feel responsible for offering the solution to someone’s problem? If someone does not directly ask you for advice or help-don’t give it. Don’t try and figure out ways to help but be still and wait for God to show you. It is very likely if you have repeatedly intervened and helped someone, God will likely have you to pray but not physically or finically intervene.

Get rid of all the what-if scenario’s that run in your mind if you don’t step in and help. 85% of what we worry about never happens and 15% of what does happen we can handle better than we thought. If you are dealing with adults, you must let them be adults and that includes making choices and having consequences for those choices. Tough, yes, but if you are “drowning” you will not be able to save someone else from drowning.

If you do not have the promoting of the Holy Spirit to intervene then move on and enjoy your life without punishing yourself. It is okay to set boundaries, to say no, and to have limits. Know your limits. Know when your helping is no longer helping but instead just placing a bandage over that you would have to replace over and over again. God is capable of helping the ones we love. God works in peace, flow, order, grace and strength, and the enemy works in disorder, chaos, drama, turmoil, pressure and guilt. Guilt never comes from God. God convicts us of sin but does not load us down with heaps of guilt. If you feel guilt for not helping or doing for others, check the source!