Through this article I am hoping to shed some light on
a topic that is not discussed frequently in Christian circles. When I accepted
Jesus as my Savior over 18 years ago, I had major issues with trust. I had been
abused, rejected and betrayed by the very people who said that they loved me
and were supposed to protect me. I was indoctrinated almost immediately that I
could trust God and that He loved me, however, no one know my hidden secret
that I did not trust God. I wanted so desperately to trust Jesus, but I viewed
Him the way I viewed the people who had hurt me. I was a Christian and I did
believe that I would go to heaven if I died, but when I received salvation I
did it out of fear that I would not spend eternity in hell. I believed all the
lies that penetrated my soul for many years that people were bad and that they
could not be trusted; thus this affected my relationship with God.
I struggled for most of my Christian walk being able
to trust that God would protect me from evil, and that I could truly surrender
all my control to Him. People control
because of a root of fear, and I was one of the most fearful individuals. I
simply could not let go and let God. I
tried but I failed miserably to give it all to God. Why? I was scared that I
would be let down once again. Most of my life was spent being let down by
the ones who were supposed to shield me from danger. I was too ashamed to tell
my new Christian family that I was having trouble trusting God, for if they
knew that I was having trouble trusting God; they would ask me to leave. I just
could not endure anymore abandonment, so I wore a “mask,” for many years in
church. I learned how to pretend very quickly that I was okay, but deep down
inside I yearend to know and trust Jesus like I saw others do.
After my salvation experience, my life was faced with
devastating hardships. More betrayal, rejection, and suffering. All of these
trials made it even harder for me to trust God. Many days, I would simply ask
God, “Where are you in all of this?”
I wondered if He had abandoned and rejected me too. I admit, sometimes it did
feel that God left me. I wrestled understanding God’s plans and His ways. Of
course, I read the Bible and prayed and I even had people pray over me; but when
you have a distorted view of God it makes it very difficult to accept the
truth.
How I longed to be like the friends that I had that
were raised in Christian homes and were treated with love and respect. Trusting
God seemed to come so easily for them, but I wrestled for years with allowing
God full control of my life. Was I a bad person or did that make me any less of
a Christian? Some may say yes, but I would say all of my searching to know God
has actually made my faith stronger. I have come to know and trust my Father,
Jesus Christ. I know after all these years, that He does love me and He is my
refuge. I was forced to seek God in ways that many may not had to. God showed
me time and time again that I may not like everything that happens in my life and
sometimes life is unfair, but He will cover me and lead me out of all
destructive paths. God will not waste the pain that we go through, if we allow
Him to heal us; He will use your suffering to minister to others.
God cares more about your relationship with Him than
anything else. Having a right relationship with Jesus is the most important
thing you will do in your life, let nothing come above this. Seek Him and He
will be found.
When I am in trouble, I call on the name that is above
all names-Jesus. I run to Him and I wait for His deliverance. I now can trust
that His plans are better than mine, and I can rest in Him. There comes a peace
to those who are able to rest in Him, and not try and control the outcomes.
Maybe you are in that same situation, trusting God is
difficult for you. May I encourage you to continue to seek Jesus and allow Him
to heal you from the inside out. People will fail you and not all people can be
trusted, but God can be trusted.
The
Lord will be a refuge for the oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble. And
those who know your name will put their trust in you; For you, Lord, have not
forsaken those who seek you. Psalm 9:9-10
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