Counselor's Corner: When Is It Time to Confront Lovingly?

As a Christian, it can be difficult to know when to keep giving mercy to someone or when it is time to confront lovingly. Our first response should be to give mercy and extend grace because we don’t know what someone may be going through. There are times when you will need to speak to others about their continued bad behavior.

→These are some tips to use when you are wondering if you should keep silent or speak up:

1.      Is it an isolated incident? In other words, occurring once or very infrequently.

2.      Are your boundaries being violated? We all the right to privacy, respect and boundaries. Are the people you are dealing with crossing lines repeatedly? Crossing boundaries once or twice should be overlooked, but numerous boundary violations should be addressed.

3.      What is the frequency and the duration of what you are dealing with? Is it the same people doing the same thing over and over again? We should overlook minor infractions by others but when disrespectful behavior becomes chronic with the same people in your life it is time to confront lovingly.

4.      Have you addressed the person’s discourteous behavior before but it did not work, the person continued to be rude and disrespectful?

5.      Are you feeling violated?

6.      Are you being harmed in any way? Physically, emotionally, or mentally?

If you answered mostly yes to the above questions, it will be important to address issues with others lovingly. Sometimes God does step in and rescue us from situations that are unbearable, and other times He is teaching us to rise up and do not fear man.

→When you have to get to the point of confronting others lovingly there are some things to consider:

1.      Be firm and assertive, not aggressive.

2.      Speak calmly and rationally. Do not name call or belittle. Focus on the facts only.

3.      As difficult as it may be, do not concern yourself with what the other person thinks of you. Remember, that you have the right to tell someone they are violating your boundaries or causing harm to you.

4.      Speak truthfully. If you have been harmed by another person’s actions repeatedly, it is okay to tell the other person.

There are times confronting lovingly goes better than expected, and there are times that the person you have confronted continues in their behavior. How many times should you have to confront someone? Just once, but there are times that the other person is oblivious to your pain. If this occurs, continue to stand on the promises in the Word of God for His protection against your enemies, and if anything is being done that is against the law you may need to get the authorities involved. I do believe God will intervene before authorities would needed to be called. Keep standing and believing what God says about His protection. If you can get away or stay away from the source of your contentions, do so. There are times though when we must stay and fight, seek God’s wisdom on what you should do.