We all have difficult people in our lives. As a
Christian, it can be challenging to know how to cope with a difficult
person-especially if they are a Christian!
A difficult person can be defined as one who repeatedly
causes harm to self or others, takes little or no responsibility for their
actions or lives, expects others to fix, solve, rescue, or help continually,
they are not genuine but are known to be dishonest or not trustworthy, and uses
manipulative tactics to gain what they desire. A difficult person may talk a lot about what
they are going to do, but you rarely see evidence of their talk turning into
action. Difficult people rarely keep their word. You learn not to expect
anything from the difficult person because they are not known for keeping promises.
A difficult Christian can be the fore mentioned listed
and as well as have “bad fruit.” You will know them by their fruits they
produce. The Holy Spirit produces the fruit of righteousness in terms of the
character we have and the way that we live our lives. In contrast to the fruit
of the spirit, the Apostle Paul listed the opposite kind of fruit people can
produce, calling these “works of the flesh,” these include: adultery,
fornication, lewdness, uncleanliness, idolatry, sorcery, hatred, contentions,
jealousies, outbursts of wrath, selfish ambition, dissensions, envy, murder,
drunkenness, revelries and the like.
We are responsible to produce the fruit of the spirit
in our lives (joy, peace, love, long suffering, gentleness, kindness, goodness,
and faithfulness), but we must also be responsible to discern the fruit
produced by others.
How do we avoid judging
another wrongly? We evaluate the
consistent actions in a person’s
life.
Jesus warned us to put people to the test by examining
their actions. Jesus told us not to just pay attention to people’s words, but
look at how they live. If we look at the actions of the difficult person or
people in our lives rather than their words alone; we may not get misled!
Jesus dealt with many difficult people while on earth.
Jesus was never prideful or superior, but He showed authority under control.
Jesus dealt with difficult people by rebuking some, remaining silent when
needed, pointing some to scriptures, and trying to teach some.
Reflect
and ponder: Do you have anyone difficult in your
life, perhaps a difficult Christian? How do you deal with that difficult
person? Do you tend to be persuaded by people’s words or do you observe their
behavior?
Counselor’s
Corner: Should you continue to allow the difficult
person in your life or should you step away for a time and let them go into
God’s capable hands?
Some questions to
consider:
1. Have
you been attempting to help the difficult person in your life repeatedly either through finances,
teaching/guiding, or rescuing from their consequences? The key word is repeatedly.
There is a time to help but if the helping becomes chronic or the help never
really helps, it is time to stop!
2. Do
you tend to get agitated, frustrated, tense, or stressed when dealing with the
difficult person in your life?
3. Do
you lose your peace quickly and end-up with feelings of regret because you lose
your peace with the difficult person in your life?
4. Do
you struggle with guilt, condemnation, or feel manipulated by the difficult
person in your life?
5. How
is your life better because the difficult person is in your life? In other
words, do they add value to your life or take away value?
6. Does
the difficult person in your life take from you instead of the relationship
being reciprocal? Is the relationship one-sided? It is okay to help someone who
is down on their luck for a time, but if the helping becomes a pattern and the
relationship is now one-sided; it is time to reelevate the relationship.
7. Has
the difficult person in your life continually broken your trust and they would
like to automatically gain your trust without consistent behavioral changes? Trusting someone with a history of
breaking trust without first seeing the evidence of their changes, would be
unwise and foolish. My recommendation is for someone with repeated cycles of difficult behavior, to allow at least a full
year of observing their actions (not words) to determine if the relationship
can be safe for you. In the meantime, make sure you have truly forgiven the
difficult person or people in your life, pray daily for them, and speak God’s
word over them. If you are married, I am in no way supporting divorce but there
are sometimes that you have to be separate if there has been repeated issues of
infidelity or abuse.
8. If
you have implemented boundaries with the difficult person in your life, yet somehow,
they seem to cross those boundaries- it is time to enforce a consequence. To
punish the difficult person? No! but to guard your heart. You can truly love
people from a distance, and in many cases, it is best to love from afar, until
you know it is safer to engage. You love people from a distance by speaking
blessings over them, praying for them, and
9. If
being around the difficult person in your life causes you to sin in anyway,
this relationship probably is not good for you. You have to ask yourself, “I’m
I a good influence in this person’s life or do they influence me (not for
good)? Do I tend to get confused when I am around this person?
10. Does
this relationship drain you physically, mentally, spiritually, or even
financially? Do you feel burdened when dealing with the difficult person or
people in your life?
11. If
you stayed your distance for a time would you have a better appreciation for
that person that is difficult for you, and would you have peace and overall
sanity?
Family should be our safe haven, but sometimes it is
the place that causes our deepest heartaches. Very often we can have difficult
family members. Not everyone’s family is safe, supportive, or healthy. Not all
families are built on mutual respect. Some families simply are not safe. Some
unhealthy families refuse to communicate and thus cause undue tensions to escalate.
MEDITATE
ON THESE SCRIPTURES:
But
I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.
Matthew
5:44
Every
good tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a bad tree bear good fruit. Every tree
that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. Therefore,
by their fruits you will know them.
Matthew
7:17-20
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